Life---Glaringly Apparent

There are a ton of people out there who love to use words in a loose and inappropriate way.  I try not to be one of those people.  Am I perfect?  Hell no.  But I really do try to choose my words carefully.  One word that's been in my mind a lot lately is the word "Selfish."  I've witnessed a lot of selfishness over the past few years, and while seeing that makes me a bit sad about humanity as a whole, I realize that not everyone is--selfish.  But I have to say, after 2 years of living with this man I have to admit that T has a selfish nature.  It's not one of hose hateful, malignant things as it can be with so many.  It's more of a childish and immaturity thing.  Either way, it wreaks havoc on my life in major ways.

Again, I don't use words like "Selfish" loosely.  I know what the word means.  There are people who accuse others of being selfish... because those people aren't giving them what they want and are not giving into demands.  I'm not one of those people.  I wouldn't call someone selfish simply because they don't give me what they want... oh, but I've been on the receiving end of that, I can tell you.  But that person had a LOT of issues, so there's that.

T's selfishness doesn't make him sexy, doesn't make him 'dearer' to me, and I don't at all find it attractive on any level.  Duh, I know.  I guess what I'm saying here is that it turns me off in a huge way.  A lack of empathy and compassion combined with selfishness is not something one can brag about, I assure you.

There are too many instances to discuss here, and I wouldn't even try.  But what happened this morning was like a glass of ice-water in the face, which always leaves me to some serious introspection about where I want my life to be.

I've not slept very well in several nights and last night was the crashing point where my body just finally gave out enough to sleep deeply.  T usually wakes me up before he leaves for work so I can take my morning medicine, and since the diagnosis of borderline diabetes I have to check my blood glucose in the mornings.. before taking any medicine or drinking water.  It's important I check morning glucose, so this is one thing I never skip as it can reveal a possible turning point in which pre-diabetes can shift and become something more serious.

So T wakes me up, and having been in a VERY DEEP sleep it wasn't easy.  I struggled to think, to even speak... I was a little confused and disoriented--not fully awake.  As I lay there trying to get my bearings I could see T standing there with this impatient look on his face, and he was using that tone of voice that tells me he's in full-blown passive-aggressive mode.  He stood there with that posture that said he was in a hurry.  Still too sleepy to get my thoughts straight, I leaned up on one arm attempting to clear my head and wake up fully.

Normally, he will wake me up and put the lancet in the device because, honestly... some days my eyes are SO blurry I can't see well enough to (a blood sugar thing, my doctor says).  It takes a few seconds to put the lancet in the device and take the protective cap off.  Today, however, he just stood there as a few seconds passed, standing and half-leaning against the dresser.  My thoughts, as muddled as they were, came together enough to think... 'Arrogant.'  His stance, posture... looked blatantly arrogant.

I was beginning to wake up more at this point as anxiety and stress began to take hold.  Many mornings are like this as T will often barrel through the house, half bent as he RUSHES around... as if that behavior was going to somehow get him from point A to point B faster.  Well, whatever.  Anyway, as the stress began to take hold, as I could feel the anxiety growing in my stomach... he finally turned towards the little table with my glucose monitoring kit, and started to close it.  He picked up the meds laying there and was going to hand them to me..... I was very confused at this point.  But what he did next.... shocked as well as angered me.

He turned to me and said, "You could just skip this today...."

Huh?  What?

I was fully awake at this moment---and oddly speechless.  I sat there for a moment, angry... still sleepy, yet fully feeling the effects of what he just said to me.  The exchange hadn't lasted even a minute, perhaps 30 seconds at the most.  But the impact of what transpired was forceful, and it woke me up in a big way.

Anger wasn't permitting clear thought, I can tell you.  I was simply stunned into silence, left with my anger and trying desperately to calm down.  What I told him was just to go, to go to work.  I'm 100% certain he could tell I was pissed.

Once the initial anxiety and stress subsided I was left weak and achy and beyond fatigued.  I went back to bed and slept another 2.5 hours.

In the aftermath of this morning were a few other surprises, just idiotic stuff I had to clean in the kitchen.  I swear my children when growing up weren't this messy.  So that wasn't fun as a follow up.

I'm not going to explain to him the importance of monitoring my blood sugar as the doctor instructed.  He was there IN the room when she gave me the diagnosis!  He was in the room when she asked if my mom and oldest sister (who both had diabetes) had any diabetic complications, and when I said YES... he also heard her say that it makes my likelihood of having complications that much higher.  He was there when she said I needed medication to hopefully stop the progression, and he was there when she spoke of how serious it is that things be addressed NOW, that pre-diabetes causes damage and raises the risk of heart attack and stroke significantly.  He was there.

I was told that the goal for my morning blood glucose levels should be UNDER 100.  They've been hovering around 115 but have been as high as 123 and as low as 109.  The low of 109 happened only once.  If I get readings that consistently show elevated to 124 or above... that's a big red flag.  So checking every day gives my doctor an average to see where things are going.

T was there for the entire conversation.

He's shown his hand, as he often does, and I see all too clearly where he stands and what he thinks.  He's shown his hand when it comes to everything I'm dealing with, be it Autoimmune Hepatitis, Pre-Diabetes, heart issues, etc.  He spends a lot of time watching tv, and a lot of time on FB.  He knows very little to nothing about what I'm dealing with because he hasn't bothered to read, research, etc.

I belong to a forum for pre-diabetics and diabetics, and I can't even tell you how many spouses, sisters, brothers, etc... seek information, talk about their concerns, ask what they can do to help.  T, in stark contrast... acts as if everything is perfectly normal.

Emotionally, I've been separating myself from T out of necessity.  I recognize this as a protective behavior and one that is actually healthy.  His lack of compassion, empathy, compassion or concern, his indifference especially... have pretty much turned me off at this point and I'm not trying to fix that because it's not my place.  This has happened before, so I recognize where I am in this.  I don't find hatefulness, indifference, nor a lack of compassion attractive in the least.  I also don't find passive/aggressive, or out-right aggression attractive, and I cannot abide control freaks... in which T is one.  At least he knows he's a control freak.  He's not doing anything about it, but at least he's aware.

Still, my life's course can't be set by someone else's map.  I have to set my own course, make my own decisions, and do what's right and necessary for me, for my health, for my happiness, for my life.

For now all I can do is fight like hell not to fall into that pit of despair and dare to dream when I'm able.  I can't allow anyone, not ANYONE to destroy my happiness and health.

This is an ongoing situation, one of which I can only address one day at a time because of my current bad health.

Controlled Crash PART II.

Waking up, there's stress.  Texts & phone calls = stress.  Making decisions brings conflict and stress, and the very essence of being begins to die under all... that... stress.  Eventually life is centered around 'Sink or swim,' around 'Fight or flight,' and honestly.... that is NOT life OR living.  At what point do I acknowledge what I already know and take action?

I'm too tired, to painful, and too sick to continue this entry for long, but I can say that if I were healthy, of at least normal health with energy to get through my day like anyone else I would most likely not be where I am or doing what I'm doing.  My life would be quite different.

These conversations aren't always in private.  What I blog about has been talked about openly at some point.  What drives me to work things out here is the fact that a resolution, a solution, a fix has not yet made itself known, nor even the offering of an idea of one, to be honest.  And waiting isn't living, my friends.  I think we can all agree to that, can't we?

If I could choose anything right now it would be happiness.  No matter what the packaging was, happiness is the goal.  All other wants and desires really come secondary to that with only ONE exception; doing the right thing, ultimately.  Could I be this sick AND happy?  I'm sure I could in the right circumstances where stress, anxiety and conflict didn't occur at every turn.  Many people are sick and happy, and those people have a great support system.  A support system, btw, can be just one person, but it takes involvement for it to work.  Stupid uttering of well-intended fools will say "I'm here for you!" yet are as absent as ever.

Love is a verb.

Compassion is a verb.

Love is what you DO, not what you SAY.

Compassion is love in action.

It's not rocket science.  People can lazily give lip service day in and day out, plop memes on someone's TL on social networking sites, or send a text.  Lazy, lazy, lazy.  A phone call or actually BEING there does make all the difference in the world.  But there are other things, worse things than being emotionally lazy.  Much worse.

For example: Spending time making that person's life miserable, or being so careless that you cause harm to them is worse than being lazy.  But NEITHER of those are good, kind, compassionate or loving.  In fact, they're incredibly cruel in their delivery and effect, and they're a dark gift that keeps on giving.

I have far too much pain to go any further into this, but the most important thing to take away from all of this is that being a control freak means you're not tending to YOUR life but, cruelly, to someone else's, and not a single bit of that is love or companion.  Not even close.

I'll touch on that later---just having a major crash as I do about this time every day....

Controlled Crash PART I.

I've not posted in a while, I know.  Some days are just too hard to think, much less talk about what's happening.  Health issues are still unresolved so I'm living in hell for the most part.  Bad thing is, part of that hell, one of the biggest part of that hell isn't my failing health but who I'm with.  Today I'm choosing to be blunt.  It's about time.

I've spent the better part of the morning, to make a long story short as possible, doing a research--a LOT of research.  Doesn't even matter what the subject matter is (not health this time).  What IS important and what absolutely matters in every way is the complete disconnection from T... until I make up my own mind about something and choose to act upon it.  It's part of being a grown-up, so I hear.  You know, making informed decisions on issues that affect one's life. ((sarcasm))

I put in hours worth of research and made my decision after days of talking to people who're experts on the subject, reading, and watching informative videos.  It's not like I made my decision rashly or without forethought.  By the time I put in the footwork and came to my decision---it was with a 100% certainty.  Personally, I have no doubts about my decision at all.

During the stages of research and educating myself on the subject.. T was off in la-la-land, where he seems to spend most of his time (like many average men).  Be it diving headlong into a FB fixation that eats up every spare moment, or staring mindlessly at a screen watching some movie or series or whatever.  Then there's all the other extraneous things and the important things.  When it's all said and done, honestly, I'm left with wondering if I need to make an appointment with him just to have a conversation about important issues.  Thing is--I'm not even remotely the time to do that.  Oh, I USED to be the girl who would wait like an idiot for Mr. Man to have the time for me, but I don't indulge that anymore.

There just isn't any time.  Right?  Not exactly...

It's AFTER I put in the time and effort to research something, AFTER I make my decision based on that research and time... when he decides to be a part of the process and tries to TELL me how things will go, how it will happen (or not happen), and goes on to put time in to finding an alternative to my decision.  What.  The.  Actual.  Hell?

I'm sorry, but if you're too busy to not be a part of the process, you're sure as hell not going to be a part of the decision.  Period.  You can't just waltz in and take over AFTER the fact!

There's a certain intelligence that comes with recognizing and working with your limitations, knowing when to stop or take a different course.  I know my limitations well and am well informed on how to either get around or overcome them.  If you can't identify your limitations they will rule you and your life.

However, there are those who create limitations and full-on embrace them.  The most common, and the ones that irritate the hell out of me the most are the following:

I don't know.
I can't.
We'll see.
Maybe.
AND EVERYONE'S FAVORITE... ((sarcasm again))
If I have time.

Sometimes people don't know or can't do something.  I get that.  But when the question that precedes those answers is "Why"... I start to have a problem with that.  "Why are you being an asshole?"  "I don't know."  You see, the question is what makes those answers so infuriating, not so much the answers themselves.. However, I've always ALWAYS been one to say "I don't know BUT I'LL FIND OUT" if there's any way I can.

So when T attempts to crawl from the shadows and override my decisions and I ask "WHY?"... I honestly don't want to hear "I don't know."  And if I hear "I can't," I would like also to know... "WHY?"

It's not like I want to chat like a couple of old ladies over tea.  I'm talking about important issues that need discussing OR dealing with me having to make the decisions on my own due to lack of participation. Again, you can't just sashay in later after everything's been said and done and a decision's been made!

It's said that control freaks are generally very lazy people, that their own lives are usually badly out of sorts and they seek to control others in order to FEEL "In control."  I'm not talking about those who try to control their own lives, those who will listen to advice from others.  Even if that person doesn't TAKE your advice, they at least listen, and THAT is a fundamental difference between an actual control freak and those who may be a bit OCD in their own lives.  I can be said that the real control freak will be the one RESISTING ANY advice from you and INSISTING you take their advice.. no matter what, even if it's a very bad choice for you.

I'll end this here, but I'll try to compose PART II in a few minutes....

---O---M---G---!

My goal was to try and feel better today, to recover or otherwise heal the invisible sucking black hole that seeps every ounce of energy I have.  My goal was very simple, and in most cases easily obtained by not having stress, by not having anxiety, and by not having to deal with begging or pleading my case to get help with something important.

The 'something' at this point isn't even relevant, because T is a repeat offender when it comes to the pushback, etc. that comes with trying to keep up with my health.  I've no one else in which to ask for help.  No one at all.  I'm exhausted, spent, and hollow inside.  Vibrance exited my life, not with illness, but with the lack of a support network.  Not a soul in my life in which to have a heartfelt discussion about any of this.

An hour into writing this T decided to pick a fight with me.  I'm not in a place to fight, argue, and have no desire to continue to do so.  At the moment, in this half-alive and spent existence, all I want right now is to have peace, tranquility, happiness, joy, and the kind of hope that brings possibility into being.

At the moment.... where I was once just irritated, I'm just empty.  Where in all of this is any sign of life?  I literally feel like a ghost walking the earth.

Where are all the gentlemen in the world, the full-formed males as it were?  Where is the guy that can look at a situation and see something in need of repair, correction, instead of just seeing something to complain about?  It took me at least a year to realize how much was going to be left up to me to carry this relationship.  I'm just not up to it, whether anyone likes it or not.  It's a no-can-do for me.  Plug-in or get out.

I did know a couple of guys who fit the description of "Gentleman" here in my time here on planet earth.  One of them I knew I couldn't be in a relationship with because I didn't feel anything 'romantic' for him.  I saw him as a dear friend, but that's about it.  The other is another story, but one meant for another time, another post.  But the art of being a gentleman is surely all but dead.  Few men respect women these days.

I believe taking a couple of years to tell someone that X, Y, and Z are harmful to me, pointing out behaviors that could be EASILY changed, most often without much effort, that could take a tremendous amount of stress off me and improve both our lives.  Not even things terribly complex, but things nonetheless that are so numerous as to when they occur to be a major problem.

It's time to crawl in bed, cover up, put the headphones on and listen to music---my most favorite escape these days.  I have no other coping mechanism and can handle only so much for so long.  It's hollowed me out completely.

I don't trust T anymore.  It's not about cheating, because he's not that type.  But it is about his constantly, and on a daily basis, habit of breaking his word, then trying to twist things back around on me when he fails to keep his word.  I'm not going to bear his cross as I have my own to carry.

It's been a shitty day for sure.  It's time I make today disappear into music and dreams.  Tomorrow means I will be alone, and that my friends... is a good thing.  In the meantime I will try and find another reason for getting out of bed.

Where have all the gentleman gone?...

Respect Revisited.

It's one of the single most important traits a person can have; the ability to extend TRUE respect to another human being.  It's a taught skill, one that is vital to getting along with others on this planet.  Yes, those "duh" statements seem redundant because everyone is supposed to understand, and yet what I find these days is that most people have either discarded respect, or were never taught it to begin with.  Either way, gone are the days when I allow myself to be disrespected by others.

This topic is one I revisit when relevant.  I'm living in a situation where disrespect has become the order of the day from T.  I've talked to him, explained, begged and pleaded for him to SEE and UNDERSTAND what he does and how it affects me.  He says he gets it yet returns to the disrespectful pattern of behavior almost immediately.

Disrespect changes how I feel about people.  Abuse, mental and physical change how I feel about people.  Meaning, if you're going to disrespect and/or abuse me you will cease to be someone I want to be around, someone I admire, someone I love.  I'm not including family in this because that's a whole other situation.  If my sons disrespected me, which they don't, I would still love and admire them.  When it comes to relationships---sorry, disrespect and abuse, hatefulness and meanness simply don't cut it for me.  Eventually your abuses, disrespect, etc... will reveal you for who you are, and I will ultimately fall out of love with you.

T isn't abusive, but he is disrespectful.  If he says something mean or hurtful he usually apologizes and means it.  But apologies for the indifference, disrespect, etc... fall on deaf ears and leave me cold inside.  He's really killing my feelings for him--and yes, he knows this.

My past history, as you guys know, have been fraught with abuses and disrespect.  I endured a lot for the sake of what I thought was love.  The confusion of someone being hateful and abusive to me while claiming to love me has taught me much, and it's also left me with many questions yet to be answered.  I've been lucky in that there've only been a couple of relationships that have left me questioning what romantic love is.  And I say 'romantic love' because, again, that's a very different thing than love for family or friends.

My past colors my present.  It is what it is and in many ways this has left me at a crossroads of what I want and need, and what I have.  I don't really have a definition of love anymore outside of my faith.  Romantic love is fragile, and most of the time it's temporary.  Whether someone falls out of love and moves on, or whether that love deepens into something more deep, stable, and abiding remains to be seen in the early days of the relationship.  And that deep, abiding love is the stuff that keeps people together and happy for many, many years.  Not that it guarantees a perfect relationship or perfect life or perpetual bliss--it absolutely doesn't.  But that kind of love is what makes getting past the hard parts possible.

That kind of love is what makes getting past the hard parts possible.

I don't know why people tend to go into relationships EXPECTING so much without any wiggle room.  Destined to fail, those relationships put under that amount of stress and pressure will ultimately fail.  It's been proven.  So why do people do this if it's going to only end in chaos and separation?  The quick answer: Not all people do this.

Control freaks are those who ultimately end up destroying a relationship.  And by that I mean those who have an incessant need to control EVERYTHING about the relationship AND the person they're with.  If someone is trying to change everything about you, that relationship you have with them will eventually end, because it will become too hurtful, too harmful to you to stay in.  And it's unhealthy to stay in relationships like that.

Then you have someone like me who's had an emotionally-abusive childhood, who didn't have the benefit of a healthy, plugged-in mom, or a father around for any part of development.  I didn't have the best teacher as to what to pick in terms of a partner.  A boyfriend, a husband... doesn't matter.  My choices have been mostly bad.  Mostly.

I'm going to have to finish this at a later date.  I'm feeling very sick today and can't continue to sit at the computer....

To be continued....

Keep Your Word When You Can

Notice the title: "Keep your word WHEN YOU CAN."  See, I'm not unreasonable.  I understand enough of human nature (like most of us) to know that NO ONE is perfect, and if anyone claims to be perfect... RUN LIKE HELL!  Still, one thing that sticks with me long-term is when people break their word because they had no intention of keeping their word to begin with.  Yeah, a big pet peeve of mine.. and here's why...

A person is only as good as their word; don't you agree?  But the HUMAN side of us also understands that there WILL be times when 'shit just happens,' and we have to recognize the difference between us wanting someone to keep their word.. and being a complete and total CONTROL FREAK.  Now that's another pet peeve of mine--control freaks.  But I'll get to the latter in a bit.  Right now, I need to get something off my chest.

Not unlike many, I have a long history of being subjected to those who frequently break their word.  It isn't always presented as a 'promise,' mind you, but it's still important to follow through when you can.  When you can.  Hey, I know all too well how things can change in the blink of an eye, and it stands to reason that when shit happens, things change.  We have to amend the course of our day and intentions and make room for whatever that unexpected change demands from us.  Right?  I mean, this is life on planet earth, folks, so we sometimes have to take a chill pill if something doesn't quite go our way.  Seriously.

In the past I've been held to an unbelievably rigid set of rules when it comes to relationships.  Needless to say, I've ended up with a couple of complete control freaks who attempted (with some success, unfortunately) to micromanage my life and time; totally fault, because I allowed it to happen.  But given that information, there is also the other side to this coin, and that's the real point.  At some point you have to at least make every effort to keep your word, even when it's inconvenient.

Last night, right before bed, I learned T broke his word to me on something and failed to tell me about it, failed to discuss it with me, and most importantly.. he didn't bring the problem to my attention so we could talk about the decision that HE would ultimately make.  The actual subject matter doesn't matter, trust me, so I'm focusing on the act itself, which is really the most important part.

Bottom line: if you're going to tell me you're going to do something, either DO IT or talk to me about why you can't, won't, etc.  How is that difficult?  It's really not.  In my case, I can completely understand when something doesn't happen the way I expect it to.. if people TALK to me about it!

Last night was a mess, a complete and total mess.  Feeling disrespected has become a part of my life again, and with it nastiness from the past.  I don't like the parallels, though this situation is really more about someone's utter emotional and moral laziness than actual cruelty.  No, the cruelty was the past situation, by far.

My past situation, as you guys know by now if you've read my other blogs, was very dark, very toxic, especially at the end.  I was held accountable for everything that went wrong in the relationship, and I was also held responsible for FIXING everything that was wrong in the relationship.  And according to him, "I" was what was wrong; who I am, who I want to be, how I lived, what I liked/disliked, and virtually EVERYTHING about me... was all wrong (according to him) and needed 'fixing.'  Without repeating how damaging that was to me, I will say that the experience opened my eyes to a few things, including (but not limited to) the unreasonable expectations of selfish people.

The unreasonable expectations of selfish people.

It took me a long time to say those words.  I don't like slapping labels or judgment on anyone, especially someone I love/d.  And I very much did love that person at the time.  I loved him so much I was blind to what was happening, to what and who he really was, and how utterly controlled I was during that time.  The idea that so much could be demanded of me never occurred to me in the beginning.  The idea that I would be shackled to everything I said never occurred to me.  The idea that there was NO ROOM for error, NO ROOM for life, NO ROOM for 'shit to happen' also never occurred to me.  I was utterly blinded by emotion.  And yet, I did everything in my power to agree to everything, and to push myself beyond what was reasonable in order to accommodate his every wish and command.

Over time, and as my health became worse, the narrative began to change, and my own personal story with it.  Sick, tired, in desperate need of rest, sleep, peace, tranquility.. I continued to do what was asked.  Over time, the toll on my body, mind, self-esteem, all of me really, was severe and debilitating at times.  And eventually... I didn't feel good at all.  My happiness and joy dulled and faded into nearly nothing.

The valuable lessons learned:

Love yourself enough to expect people to keep their word to you WHEN THEY CAN.
Love THEM enough to know they're human and shit happens sometimes.
Love...
Just love...

Last night was, in part, a by-product of recent history.  I'm not allowing myself to be controlled, either by force or by coercion.  And yes, I know the difference ALL too well; this is a good thing, btw.  I can recognize when people are doing their best, when they're trying, and I can also recognize when they're being total lazy assholes.  And guess what, ALL of us have our moments of being total lazy assholes.  Humility says... don't be so damn self-important that you think YOUR needs exceeds that of another.

Involve the other person in the dialogue when things change IF you have any warning that they will change.  Involve that other person in the dialogue when, even AFTER the fact, you can't keep your word for any reason.  But dammit, be freaking PATIENT, because honestly.. the world doesn't evolve just around you (using the word "You" loosely here, folks).

I recognized last night the extent to where the dialogue didn't include me, leaving me to once again feel disrespected to a large large degree.  I wasn't included when things changed, was told nothing at all.  In fact, the worst of it was that I know had "I" not brought the subject up... it wouldn't have been brought up at all.  And let's be clear, there was a timeline on this situation.

No, I'm not prepared to be unreasonable about this or any other thing, and I will still continue to make respect one of the most important factors in ANY relationship I have with ANYONE and everyone.  And it really has to go both ways.

I got it out of my system and spoke my mind.  T understands full well what happened and how NOT keeping his word or involving me in the dialogue when things change makes ALL the difference between treating me with respect or not.

It's a tiresome topic, really, and I'm not saying the actual topic of respect is tiresome.  Rather I am saying that I shouldn't have to always be asking for respect and pointing out the lack of it.  I also know that, like the past situation, if I keep quiet and say and do nothing for myself, then I'm doomed to allow the damage to continue, to lose my self-esteem and self-respect in the process.  And you know what?  I'm just not willing to go there again.

Keep your word when you can.

Governing What I Allow in My Life

It's not a cliche.  When people say "It helps me to help others," they mean it.  Yet there is another side to that coin that few speak of, and that other side is the one that can set you back a good ways in recovering from your own experiences.  Yet, some of us do want to help very much, because we know all too well that we wish that someone would've been there to help us, thinking that if only I'd had the information THEN...

I know I've mentioned before that I stopped therapy shortly before I moved.  Being 3 hours away from my therapist meant, well, that commute just wouldn't have worked out for me.  She was great, and I appreciate all she did for me, but there were some issues with that therapist (not a psychologist btw) that eventually brought me to a place where I didn't trust her much anymore.  One example is that she told me that the heart arrhythmia I'd had my whole life, discovered as a child and getting MUCH worse as an adult.. simply was in my head.  As it turned out, as many of you who've been reading my blogs for a while, is that I had cardiac ablation for THREE arrythmias, all dangerous in that they can cause stroke and heart failure if left untreated.  I'd had a TIA (mini stroke) in 2013 (early) that should've been a red flag for the doctors, but not having health insurance meant I had few options available to me for proper diagnosis and treatment.  Still, the last few sessions I had with my therapist she'd mentioned that what I thought was my heart wasn't real.  Yet it was, and it was discovered when I finally got insurance and wore a heart event monitor.. where they detected SVT, AFib, and atrial flutter.

Moving on, I've not been back to a therapist since.  Not because Beverly didn't believe me when I talked to her about my health (because she ASKED), but because I just don't have the time or energy or stamina or strength to take on yet one more appointment.  Eventually I will pursue another therapist, because I've yet to find a convincing way to get myself past the damage done by an ex, a narcissist.

So be it.

At least once a week I search for new information.  Well, that's not entirely true.. and it's not really 'new' information as much as new articles, patient/victim accounts via article or video.  I'm looking and seeking as all others like me are for answers and explanations, or just a way to make sense of the senseless.  And when I talk about this topic, when I drudge up the memories, when I have to face it again... even if by my own choice... I'm still left with that unsettling feeling that I really need to understand, despite there really being no way to do so; this in and of itself is part of the damage.

And still I seek answers.  And still I talk.  And still I share.  And still I remember because forgetting isn't an option.

I am able to observe the pieces of the chaos and see the big picture.  Everything I went through had an absolute pattern, even if I didn't see it then.  It wasn't at all random, and it was very much the M.O. of a malignant narcissist.  Not having the knowledge at the time only made more of a mess in my head and in my life, which is usually the case when you've not been around someone like that before. Yet, I have been around someone like that before; my mom.  I won't go into that here, but I have spoken about it in the past.  At this time, however, it's rather outside the scope of what I'm addressing at the moment.

It's easy for a narcissist to make you feel unloved, unwanted, and ultimately discarded as worthless and of no use.  In fact, MY narcissist told me I had no use in his life.  What shocked me at the time was all the demands he made, the type of demands one asks only of their GF or wife.  I wasn't useful any longer because I'd stopped being his narcissistic supply, something I've talked a great deal about in my other blogs... because I'd not created this blog just yet.  Anyway, feeling unloved, unwanted, and unappreciated was the very foundation of my relationship with that person.  While pushed away, ignored, yelled at, yet charged with the task of holding the relationship together solely on my own, my spirit withered beneath the onslaught.  When you love someone you will do whatever it takes to make sure they're happy.  The difference between someone with a strong, health self-esteem and someone like me is that... I continued to do 'whatever' to my own detriment, whereas a stronger woman would have told that person to F off early on.

I didn't recognize what I was dealing with until it was too late.

For those who know, for those who've been where I've been, you know all too well how this thing plays out.  Bringing on the charm, saying and doing all the right things at first, looking all too good to be true, you fall, and you fall hard.  Not having the energy to rehash the details, I'll just say that people can only hold the false persona for only so long, and when the mask begins to slip... you're already in too deep to see what's behind it.

In my case I was completely and totally heads-over-heels in love.  I would've done anything for this person and ended up doing things I wouldn't' ordinarily do.  I'll leave it at that.  And it added to the damage in the long run.  Still, I didn't SEE.  Still, I remained blind as hell.  Maybe by choice, I'm thinking, because I didn't want THAT to be true.

As time passed and I was shown that I would always have to prove myself, prove my love for him, and then eventually prove that I was deserving of him, his love, his attention.  I was punished if I didn't do EXACTLY what he wanted, asked, or demanded.  I was punished for having my own mind and thoughts and wants and needs, dreams, passions.  I was punished by the withdrawal of love, affection, even sex.  Seriously.  No joke.  Stonewalling alternating with gaslighting began to wreck me from the inside out, and I was so oblivious to what was happening.  I knew it was SO very wrong what was happening, but I was told it was solely MY fault for SO long and so many times that I eventually began to believe it myself.  I was to blame.  For everything.

My character was questioned and criticized.  My body was criticized.  The way I dressed, the way I looked, how much I weighed, what I ate or didn't eat, how long it took me to get ready to go somewhere, how long it took me to put on makeup or do my hair or take a shower, if I needed to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night; there wasn't anything sacred and it wall fair game when it came to criticism.

This wore on me for a very long time, and as the years passed I no longer recognized who I was anymore.  Being told to change nearly EVERYTHING about me, then being told I'd changed completely and was as perfect a reason as anything to break up with me... split my spirit right down the middle.  I'd let this go on for far too long, and again.. because I didn't recognize what I was dealing with until it was too late.

Today I still deal with the damage.  Today I still look for ways to understand.  Today is a new day filled with beginnings that are often crushed by this undercurrent of doubt that I can't quite calm.  So I look, read, listen, watch, and I try to remind myself that it wasn't all for nothing, that I learned something very important along the way.  But nothing is really healed.  Not yet.  And this is why I talk about this on a regular basis, why I created a blog specifically for this purpose, this topic.  Because I'm not the only one dealing with this.

Sooner or later the scales will tip and my life will be back in balance.  It's difficult to obtain that balance when you still struggle with reminding yourself who and what you are, trying to split the lies from the truth, trying to put the pieces of your spirt back together again, and all the while trying to hush the echoes of hateful words that can't be unheard.

Living with a chronic illness doesn't help, but it does remind me how important getting your balance back is in the great scheme of things.  Healing the damage will bring ease to my spirit, comfort to my soul, and inner kindness back to the broken me once again.  It's okay to be broken, btw. Broken doesn't mean you deserve less love, less respect, or less opportunity to be who you are.

.... more to come....

Need to rest...

Today is not the best day for that

Sunday.  End of the week.  The last chance to get anything done.  I totally understand sleeping in, though my body won't allow me to do that.  I understand T wanting to sleep in.  Totally get it.  My only thought in that is: What will he do with the waking time?  We're not exactly in 'normal circumstances' mode right now, as we are still surrounded by boxes and clutter from things that need to be either put away, assembled and put away, or just organized and cleaned out.  I did most of that myself during the first week on Prednisone, and I'm afraid I actually overdid things because, honestly, I didn't know how much energy I would have from one day to the next, and I don't have any help here but for T.  And truly.. he's very little help.

My son, the one who lives closest to me, is till roughly about 4 hours drive away.  Not really close in the great scheme of things.  But he's offered to come here and help.  The trouble I have with that is that he'd have to take off work in order to do that, and have an 8hr round trip drive.  And just to do things that T can actually do himself.  Oh, there are other alternatives, but T won't allow it.  This is also another issue I have with this situation---not being able to make a decision on my own and actually act upon it.  I'm really rather tired of being treated like a child, a slave, and am so very close to just saying... F it all.

I do what I can with what my body and energy will allow.  I push, and I push, and I keep pushing long-past what I know I should really be doing.  It isn't enough, though.  For all that I can do, the remaining tasks are out of my reach at this time.  So who's going to do this?

I offered to look online, call around, and find a "handyman" who can do these relatively simple tasks. I can't even tell you how tired I am of walking around boxes that have been sitting here for nearly a month now.  It doesn't make sense.  It just doesn't make sense.  Except in that I know T for what he is, and he's a guy who could literally care less if the house he lives in falls apart around him.  How do I know this?  Well, for starters, I remember the first time I saw his house, the one he lived in for 10 years.  The disarray, to say the least, was uncomfortable, and it (for all practical purposes) looked like an abandoned house inside as NOTHING was ever cleaned.  I refused to take a shower at his house, because I felt I would be clean if I stayed OUT of those bathrooms/showers.  Dear God, you've no idea how bad it was.

I felt sorry for him at the time, and I even tried cleaning it up myself FOR him.  It was an IMPOSSIBLE task.  I spent hours trying to scrub stuff that simply would not come off.  And I'm telling you, that was just in the bathtub and shower.  And the smell...

He told me that his ex wife was to blame.  He said she made a mess out of everything and wouldn't clean the house, etc., etc.  However, he'd been divorced and living away from her for YEARS.  So what about cleaning all that up after she left???  How about hiring someone to come in and get things right so you don't live in filth?  I bought the story.  Stupid, stupid, stupid me. Why the hell do I insist on trusting people, I've no idea, as history repeats itself in the guys I end up with??

So here I am, 2nd anniversary just yesterday, and I look at the pattern of what is and what is not done in this house, and the last one we lived in, and I see that exact pattern in him.  I KNOW there are guys out there that AREN'T looking for a mother, you know.. someone to clean up after them etc.  Because I've met men who took great pride in what they have, what they own, and they respected their investments, be it home or car or belongings of any kind.  Oh, but there've been a couple I've been with who take everything they have for granted and let it fall to waste... claiming.. they don't take their stuff for granted.  Right.  Proof is in the pudding, sir.

In the midst of this clutter I long for a better life.  How can I not?  I'm not a filthy person, and I despise clutter.  I grew up with a mother who was a hoarder, and I hated that even as a child. Why would I be okay with it as an adult?  T isn't really a hoarder, though there are a few aspects of what he does that hint at the tendency.  Keeping crap that he says he's going to sell one day but never sells anything.  Keeping things that he will never ever use, claiming he might use them one day.  And as it piles up and there's no room for anything... that's where the tendency or pre-disposition shows itself clearly.  The only difference is that he doesn't buy new things and keep them.

I'm about functionality.  Yes, and having lovely surroundings is part of who I am as well, part of being a woman really.  At least most women.  It's that nesting thing.  I like that about me, and I'm not willing to change that at all.  No matter what you have or don't have you can still make things nice, clean, livable, and make it look and feel like home.  If you're living with someone who could care less about that, then you may find yourself struggling on a daily basis to maintain that feeling.  And THAT is where I am right now.

We moved here because I needed peace, serenity, to get out of a racket and noise-filled city.  I didn't dislike our neighbors, except for the ones we knew were selling drugs. They were eventually evicted anyway.  But the noise, and looking out the front window to see anything but inspiring sites.  It was grating on my nerves.  T, however, could live anywhere in any neighborhood and be okay with it.  That's what it looks like when someone doesn't give a shit.  I'm so opposite of that, though, and it's causing a great deal of unrest and turmoil in my life.  And don't even get me started on the anxiety.

What did I discover after the move?  I discovered that it's still insanely difficult to find my peace, and it seems like the only time I actually ever have it is when I'm alone, or when I'm laying in bed at night.  Oh, and I guess I didn't mention we're sleeping in separate rooms because T snores like a freight train and I was getting absolutely NO sleep whatsoever.  I'm sorry, but his not wanting to sleep by himself is lower on the totem pole than my declining health.  I was firmly warned by my GI specialist, my lung doctor, and even my primary care physician... that if I kept sleeping minimally that it would have dire effects on my heart, my lungs, and my overall health.  And now that I know I'm dealing with at least one autoimmune disease, I can't risk the triggers such as physical and emotional stress, especially while on prednisone.

So what does it all mean, then?  Where do I go from here?  Can I even FIX anything wrong here?

PART II of this will address precisely where I am at the moment, choices I have to make, and so on....

PART II: Never Mind. Seriously. Just Never Mind.

First let me say this: I'm not demonizing T.  I do love T.  But you have to understand that his behavior is destructive, not only to the relationship, but to me as well.  I've tried to help him understand what his behavior does, how it affects US, and how it affects me.  I haven't pointed out that it affects him as well, because stating the obvious is never going to get the point across.  He has to come to THAT conclusion himself, to figure out for himself how things affect him, etc.  I can't do that, nor can I speak for him or his feelings.  I've asked, and he's shared very little.  His choice entirely.

So at this point, as mentioned in previous entries in my blogs, I have to now focus on myself, my health, and getting strong and healthy again.  My life depends on it, and I'm not willing to give up quality of life in order to make room for T's ego.

How did I get here, and does it make ME self-centered to make myself the center of my own world right now?

Giving so much that you lose yourself is unhealthy, and it WILL empty you at some point where you have nothing left to sustain yourself.  I've given, given, given, accepted, self-blamed, and a plethora of other unhappy endeavors, thoughts and considerations until I really was left feeling completely empty and unhappy.  My attempts to fulfill T's needs without replenishing myself was the worst possible thing I could have done.  But I chose to do it to make him happy.  Over the past couple of years this went on--my giving, giving in, ignoring my own needs and desires, putting all I am to the side in order to make sure HIS world was right.  Now I'm left of what's left of the person I used to be, and trust me when I say I've been here before... it's unhealthy and destructive.

The dialogue began to change when my health began to decline.  Over the course of many doctor visits, tests of every kind, a few diagnosis and procedures... I realized that the person who was sometimes next to me was not only clueless at what was happening to me or how I felt about it all, but it was a CHOICE he made each and every day.  He would spend so much free time on FaceBook, picking away at his phone and reposting memes and articles and so forth that didn't enrich his life, OR our life together.  I observed this over the past two years and wondered, at first, why he didn't spend that much time learning about what I was going through, the sometimes dangerous and necessary procedures I was having, WHY I was having them, and what it meant.  Eventually, I asked him why.  He really didn't have an answer, and to this day still doesn't have an answer.

I had an idea that I would be going through these life events WITH him.  I believed that maybe he possessed even the smallest curiosity about anything I've been and am going through.  I was wrong.  So wrong.

What was the turning point?  When did I recognize the indifference full-force?  That one's easy.  The day I had the fine needle aspirate for a large thyroid nodule found during an ultrasound of my carotid arteries.  When I was told I needed a biopsy I didn't know that I would be going to that appointment alone.  This wouldn't be the first time he did this...

Transjugular liver biopsy was the reality check: Liver biopsies are extremely risky, and doctors have to seriously weigh the benefits against the risk before deciding on this measure.  In my case, not only was a liver biopsy ordered, but I had to have it done via catheter via the jugular vein in my neck so they could assess portal pressures.  Even the radiologist sat down and explained how "Tricky and complicated" this procedure is, then asked me if I had anyone there with me, or if I wanted to call someone to come to the hospital to be there... and that he would wait for them if so.  That's how risky this procedure is.  Where was T?  He dropped me off at the hospital for the procedure and went to work.

He dropped me off for the procedure and went to work.

As I sat in the critical care area waiting for the radiologist to return I looked around at the other patients there, some of which were waiting for their procedures to be done, or was in recovery mode. ALL of them had family and/or friends with them.  I was the only one there by myself.  Even the nurses kept asking me if I had someone there with me.

When the radiologist returned I told him no one would be there and to just go ahead.  He asked me if I had someone to take me home afterwards, and I told him yes.  One word.  Just 'yes.'  It's all I could say.

I was a little sad as I was taken into the surgical suite where they would do the ultrasound-guided procedure.  It was a painful process because I can't take morphine (allergy).  I felt it all and was awake.  Groggy, but awake.  When it was over they took me to recovery.  I called T and told him I was in recovery, and he said to call him when they released me and to meet me where he would be picking me up.  An aide took me downstairs to wait when the time came.  T didn't even bother coming up to walk with me.

This is the part when things begin to shift, when you see that person for the first time, when you look at them and barely recognize who you're looking at.  You wonder who they are and why you're there with them.  That's what I went through.  I wondered who this guy was who was, for the most part, behaving as if he were just some neighbor or something who gave me a ride that day because I had no other way to get to/from the hospital.  Who the hell IS this person? ... that's what I still ask on nearly an every day basis now.

My life became about me when I realized 'me' is all I had.  AIH, the lung issues (COPD), the worsening heart valve problem, the struggle with pain and other unpleasantness that refuses to resolve and stay resolved, all of it is MY struggle.  My struggle to get well; my struggle to cope, find answers, find strength, to continue to make choices based on what's right for my health and life.  In this I discovered that I couldn't continue to put his needs, wants, demands, etc. ahead of my health any longer.  I did that once before in my life and paid dearly with my health.  I'm not willing to do it again because, this time, the stakes are much higher.

I reserve the right to protect my life now.  T made choices as I gave him everything, as I put my own health second, my happiness last, placed my entire well-being on hold.  He made choices that benefitted him and hurt me in the process.  And he continues to do so.  Yes, I've told him.  No, he's not really responded with anything other than to feel sorry for himself.  He refuses to take a step back and LOOK at what he's done, what he's not done, and how it's changed the way I see him, and how I see US.

Been here, done that before.  I know how this works, and I know how guys like him think.  The more he pities himself, the more he refuses to acknowledge what's happened, the further back progress is pushed.  Now there's no progress.  Things aren't better.  And, frankly, I'm just too damn sick to fix it all myself.  It's been tossed in my lap, this stuff, and I'm not up to carrying the load anymore.

So every time I speak and he says "What?"... every time I repeat myself, only to have him retain very little of what I say, each time I'm sitting right next to him and talk.. and he says "What?" or pretends he heard me but didn't... I distance myself from him even more.  It's about protecting myself now, protecting my health, my life.

I absolutely refuse to allow another guy to suck the life right out of me.

Now when he says 'What?' I have only one reply:  "Never mind.  Seriously.  Just never mind."  T's response?... nothing.

So be it.

Gas lighting

NOTE:  I will occasionally state a reminder that when I'm referring to narcissists I will usually use the words "he" or "him" etc., because that's my experience.  Unless I'm referring to my mom, of course.  But do know that I know and understand that narcissists can be either male or female.  My stating things in terms of 'he' is only speaking to my own personal experience.

Funny thing about the parallels of abuse in life.  Right now we have a tightly-wound political climate in which history, though a dark version of itself, is being made by the worst president to have ever held office in US history.

What is Gaslighting?  Well, first of all, let me say first the term comes from an old b/w movie starring Charles Boyer and Ingrid Bergman... where she ( was being systematically driven crazy, or made to think she was, by her controlling conman of a husband.  Oh, but it goes far deeper than that, really.  Far deeper.  It's an insidious tool used by all masters of emotional/verbal abuse.

Gaslighting or gas-lighting is a form of mental abuse in which information is twisted or spun, selectively omitted to favor the abuser, or false information is presented with the intent of making victims doubt their own memory, perception, and sanity.

OMG, but have I experienced this first-hand, and it's THE worst form of emotional abuse someone could endure.  How did I know this tactic was being used on me?  Because I had to seek counseling to recover from a relationship in which gaslighting was routinely used on me.  I had no idea, until it was shown to me by a therapist who immediately recognized what I was describing.  Thank God for her!

All the pieces fit.  I saw everything fall neatly into place as my therapist explained to me what gaslighting is, what it does, and how damaging it is for the receiver.  I was stunned as she spoke, a little numb as I read the handouts she gave me to look over, and more recently... shaken a little as I watched the movie ("Gaslight") where the term actually came from.  OMG, I thought, I'm watching so much right there on the screen.. so much that I actually went through.

But it's really more than that, folks.  You have to be aware of gaslighting and knowing where you are in the narcissistic supply food chain.  Once you recognize you're with a narcissist, you can get to the task of knowing where you stand so you can find your way out.  Remember, you've been conditioned to believe that the narcissist is the only person who will want or have you, that they're a true gift from God himself, and that you are damned lucky to have them.  Don't you believe it!

So many red flags, so little time.  But if you remember that you're solely in that person's life for THEIR benefit, then you will be able to spot the red flags and they reveal themselves.

You're not important to them except as a source of supply.  Your needs don't matter, and anything they do for you isn't for YOU but for their ego.  It's a lot like the farmer feeding the calf to fatten it before slaughter.  Once you're consumed, your emotional remains are no longer necessary, needed, or wanted.  Time for a new calf to fatten.

Over time the joys you find in life become a burden to your narcissist.  Why?  Because it's about YOU.  And trust me, it can NEVER be about YOU.  There is only one center of his universe.... and trust me, babe, it's NOT YOU.  And it never ever will be.

Some of the rules you'll have to follow include being available 24/7 in case your narcissist needs you.  It won't matter if your tired, working, hungry, taking a shower, sleeping, eating, talking to friends or family, or just spending some time for yourself by watching tv.  You BETTER be available or pay the price.  There is ALWAYS a price.

I can't tell you how many times I lost sleep, stayed up until 2am or was woken at 2am when I had to be up at 5am or 6am... just so I wouldn't be stonewalled and ignored for days or weeks by my narcissist who didn't respect me OR my time.  I skipped meals, taking a shower at another time, because the narcissist claimed I was being 'selfish' for doing those things instead of talking to him on the phone.  He also didn't allow me to do anything WHILE talking on the phone, so necessary tasks that needed done either had to be put off so I could sit stock-still in one location so he didn't hear any other sound coming through the phone.. to alert him that I was doing anything more than listening to him.  He claimed that if I were doing anything else while on the phone with him I was being disrespectful and not giving him my full, undivided attention.  Thing is... I would hear CRASH, BOOM, BANG, and the cacophony of explosive sounds of paper rattling as he went through all the things he does while on speakerphone with me.  Double-standard... another narcissist classic maneuver.

Not sleeping, eating, having constant anxiety filling your gut, body full of adrenalin... all these things can kill you.  All of these things WILL wreck your health, and they did wreck mine.

You know you're dealing with a narcissist when your health stops mattering, when you lose sleep and they don't care, when being at their beck and call 24/7 means your life isn't your life any longer. When all of your free, waking time and then some is manipulated and filled to the brim with unrealistic demands, constant criticism, massive episodes of gaslighting.... beware, because you're going to withdraw out of necessity for your health and life and your narcissist, if he hasn't already begun doing so, will be looking for his next source of supply.

More to come...

Ever-Wondering Why I Bother to Give a Damn

It was a long holiday weekend filled with packing, moving a few loads over to the new house, and lots of anxiety having to be around T for that long.  I'm not being mean here, I assure you, but the magnitude in which he's "just not there" is ever more apparent when we're around each other too much.  And honestly, it drags me down and wears me out beyond words.  Not sure how I can handle this much longer.

I try very hard to be patient and understanding, but it's nearly impossible to feel those things when the other person is simply not trying at all.  I'm a ghost in my own household (notice I didn't say "home"), and the weight of being absolutely trapped is taking a tremendous toll on me both physically and emotionally.  Life isn't supposed to be this hard.

He's supposed to go visit his family in Florida next month, and no.. I'm not going.  By choice.  I'm simply not up to that long drive right now, and honestly... I really need the time alone; maybe I'll be able to breathe for once.  I'm a little scared I'll like being by myself much more than I realize.  Though it really wouldn't surprise me...as I crave space, peace, breathing room, a place to stretch these broken wings and try and remember what it feels like to fly.

...It was another weekend with my pointing out all the ways he tries to control me, how he treats me like a child, how he doesn't respect me... and as always it falls on deaf ears.  Oh, he vehemently INSISTS that he understands what I'm trying to say to him, that he gets it, that he will try harder, and so on..and on..and on..and on.  His words mean very little to me anymore, and his WORD... means even less.

I can't rely on him following through.

Honestly, I could understand his not being able to follow through on some things if there were a REASON.  But there's not.  He simply just... doesn't.  And it's very telling.

In the meantime I try desperately to hold on, to remember who I am, to remember my dreams, wishes, hopes, goals, and to remind myself that my needs matter too.  I also have to work on not being completely rolled over by him when he does this; and I have to say it's nearly impossible.  I mean, let's face it---I'm not the toughest person, and I'm sensitive to both people and environment.  And my environment right now is NOT conducive to happiness, joy, OR healing; three things of which I need desperately in my life.

How the hell did I get here?  Rhetorical question, really.  What I should be asking myself is 'How did I get here AGAIN?!'

Okay, so truth be told I'd have to say I HAVE asked myself that question and know how I got here again.  I'm not in the awful places that I've been in the past with relationships, but this one isn't healthy for me at all.  So what do I do so that I can thrive, live, and be able to breathe in my own space?

That's the million dollar question, isn't it?

And I'm working on that...

I am.  I have to.

HAVE to.

Praise Me

It's the sustenance of all narcissists, and without it they will ruin your world.

Giving praise to my narcissist was easy in the beginning because I saw this funny, handsome, romantic guy who said and did all the right things.  I mean, this is how we end up falling in love, isn't it?  We see their personality traits and love what we see and hear, and over time it endears them to us.  I mean, how can it not?  And I'm not talking about what that person says about who WE are, but rather those things that show us who THEY ARE.  HUGE difference.

Anyone who's been with a narcissist knows that they project this image to the outside world, and to US at first, as exceedingly charming, funny, lovely people!  We discover later on, when forced to learn about narcissists, that this is absolutely necessary for their survival, that they NEED that supply of praise and adulation, even worship.  But we also know that when the mask begins to slip we get glimpse of the other thing lurking beneath, the very thing that will end up devouring our lives, our spirits, our health and vitality, our sense of self-worth.

I still have some fond thoughts about my ex, but in keeping them within proper perspective I know those fond feelings are misplaced, misguided, that they're feelings for an IDEAL.  In many ways this discovery left me to withholding real praise for the person I'm with.  I have to actively participate in my own inner-functions, that is to say I have to be extremely mindful that I'm not purposely holding back for fear of things turning out the same as they did with my narcissist.

Oh, I do know better.  But my current relationship isn't without it's issues, some of them serious.  Be that as it may, I'm in perpetual self-preservation mode.  Not surprising what I've gone through.

My finally speaking openly about my experience with a narcissist has helped me tremendously in more ways than I thought possible.  But I've a very long way to go, and I'm not sure I'm willing to let go of those protective inner resources I've obtained along the way.  I'm sure I still need to talk to a therapist to finish dealing with the experience, and in time I will.

You see, in all honesty, I know I won't ever be the same person again.  Not exactly.  I can repair what's broken, but I can't replace what's gone.  And who knows, maybe what I 'think' is 'gone' is actually just tucked away in a safe place inside, waiting for healing.  I can certainly be on board with such a possibility, because it's far better than having to mourn something totally lost.

Praise.  It's not something I received much of in my life, especially growing up, but it was also something I never really needed.  For me, praise wasn't what I needed, but APPROVAL.  I'm completely aware of this, and I'm somewhat okay with that.  And I'm comfortable with GIVING praise to others.  It actually comes easily for me.  But what of the 'demanded praise' required by a narcissist?

Narcissistic Supply; what an absolutely ugly term to use on oneself.  Yet, I had to.  HAVE to.  If I'm not completely honest with myself about this, I'm lost.  So here I am, realizing that for the person I fell head over heals in love with... I was nothing more than that supply to feed his ego, his bottomless need.

When the emotional abuse became too much, praise for him became exceedingly difficult, then eventually... impossible; We all have our breaking points.  When my usefulness had run out, he began to demand praise--to be right, the authority on all I was and should be, or could never be, the walking encyclopedia of absolutely everything, the expert on my life.  Anything other than acceptance and agreement of all his criticisms of me was met with hatefulness, withdrawal of love, stonewalling, more criticism, usually ending in gas lighting to throw me off balance.  This cycle was never-ending after a time, and it hollowed out the vibrant parts of me with all its energy-sapping and relentless battering.

"You're right" had eventually revealed itself as the bitter lie it was.
"You're amazing" became a weapon he ultimately used against me.
"I love you" became yet another weapon to use against me, and he did it often.
"I miss you" was met with an ugly retort that somehow missing him meant I was "Selfish."
"You're so smart" became one of his favorite reasons to belittle me, with constant 'reminders' of how he was so much smarter.

He required praise, but it was usually tucked away in his arsenal to be used against me whenever the mood struck him---and it often did in just about every situation.

I didn't have to defend myself; but I didn't know this then.  And when I discovered my error in having defended myself for too many years to this person, it was almost too late.  So much damage done.  So damn much damage done.

I guess today is just a day when I'm finding I need to deal with this a bit more, to purge, to get it off my chest.

Now, some of you have asked WHO it is I'm talking about, which of my ex's... well, I'm not saying.  It's not about pointing fingers, but about sharing what I've gone and am going through as a result in hopes it helps someone else.

Now, on to eat some lunch....

PART 2: Your Value as a Human Being Defined by a Narcissist

In the last entry I gave a pretty long account of how I came to bringing narcissists into my life.  While long, I think it was important to define where I'm coming from in a meaningful way.  Hopefully I did just that.  Now it's time to explain how I allowed narcissists to define who I am and, which resulted in allowing them to define my actual value as a person.  Do realize that ALL narcissists do this, so if you're dealing with one you'll most likely see yourself in what I'm about to say; unless you're in the early stages where you're being put on a pedestal.

I've previously discussed "Narcissistic Supply" and what it means, but in short I will simply say it's basically a narcissist using another human being in order to feel superior, better-than.  That's WAY oversimplifying, but you probably get the point if you're actually WITH a narcissist.

NOTE:  You'll ONLY be valued by a narcissist when you're fulfilling the narcissistic need (aka, when you're actually and literally 'narcissistic supply').  The devaluation period begins when you're no longer that supply and the narcissist is bored and actively looking for his next supply.  This more times than not happens WHILE you're still with them, because they have to secure their next supply before getting rid of the old supply that is no longer giving them what they need.  They can't really be left without a supply of any kind so often, though not always, end up finding someone new (a replacement) while still in the relationship with you.  This is VERY common, by the way.

Clues you're being replaced as a narcissist's supply:

The signs are not unlike any other 'normal' situation where someone becomes bored in the relationship, cheats on you, etc.  But there are critical differences between a normal 'cheating' or 'falling out of love with' situation and that of where a narcissist is seeking a new supply.

All the usual fare applies here, with some uniquely different additions and twists:

1.  Calling and texting less/communication sees difficult or impossible, which is ultimately blamed on you.

2.  Picking fights, usually on a daily basis, often resulting in his/her not speaking to you for days (stonewalling), which is ultimately blamed on you.

3.  Constant criticism, which is ultimately blamed on you.

4.  Constant comparing and contrasting you to ex's or others the narcissist is interested in, which is ultimately blamed on you.

5.  Sex becomes something that feels 'unnatural' to you.  Now this is a tough one, because narcissists rarely ever have "normal" sex.  In fact, during sex they are usually disconnected and unable to perform unless stimulated in another way outside of the sex itself.  And outside of sheer 'performance' a narcissist cannot "make love."

But when your narcissist is looking for another source of supply the sex becomes such that it often leaves the 'supply' turned off, repelled, and bewildered.  This is a dangerous stage, because the resulting psychological and emotional damage can be long-lasting.  And like everything else bad that happens with your narcissist.. this is ultimately blamed on you.

6.  Demands become either more in number, and/or stranger in nature.  Usually this falls under the heading of all things sexual, but it requires a separate notation here because of its complexity in where it actually separates itself from actual 'sex.'  Let's suffice it to say that the demands for things such as sexually explicit photos, videos, performances, and information increase in number.  You find yourself barely able to find the time to do the things in your life that need doing, to take any time at all for yourself, to do anything for yourself, including relaxing... because the narcissist is, at this point, attempting to extract a supply that you can no longer provide.  Either your emotional state has deteriorated (depression, anxiety) to a point where you simply cannot be the plaything any longer, or if your self-esteem is intact enough... you simply WILL NOT be that supply any longer.  In both cases you probably have no idea what you're dealing with or how to define it.  And again, you will ultimately be blamed for the narcissist's behavior and increase in his/her 'needs.'

7.  Your time is no longer respected.  This is one of the hardest traits you'll have to deal with when it comes to being with a narcissist.  As YOU are devalued, so is everything in your life.  Your own needs will be offered up to you as 'selfish,' no matter if it's eating, sleeping, working, hobbies, leisure activities, your faith (church, etc.), and even your pets and family.  At this point your narcissist no longer really sees you as a human being deserving of respect, care, compassion or love.

Your inability to supply the narcissist's ever-increasing demands/needs renders you irrelevant.  THIS is absolutely CRITICAL for you to recognize, because if you don't recognize and deal with this (by LEAVING) it can destroy your physical and emotional wellbeing.  When things have reached this level of deterioration it is NECESSARY for you to get out!  You are going to be discarded eventually, so it makes no sense to stay.  Thing is, you'll probably not recognize what's happening unless you're made aware---which is what I'm doing now.  You will ultimately be blamed for all of this.

8.  Constant reminders that you can be replaced.  This is often said with a dark tone of warning, but it also can be presented in a flippant manner, both meant to hurt and worry you, to make you question your role and responsibility in the situation.  In a NORMAL and HEALTHY relationship the person who is unhappy, falling out of love, etc. will usually just break up with you and leave the situation, and they often will leave in a way that is as least damaging to you.  Healthy breakups between emotionally healthy people aren't HAPPY affairs, but a certain amount of respect is normally sought in the situation.  When a narcissist wants to leave, however, he/she does it in such a way as to leave you as hurt and broken as possible.  You will ultimately be blamed for this.

9.  You find yourself increasingly responsible for the relationship and shown how inept you are at the job.  This is really a killer of self-esteem and self-worth for those dealing with a narcissist.  Because narcissists aren't really people pleasers, they often seek out those who are.  They don't really feel compassion or actual love, so they seek those who DO feel those things, and strongly.  They also seek out those damaged just enough to be malleable.  With this combination, when the narcissist begins to look for a replacement for you (looking for a new supply), the devaluation period becomes fraught with many, many demands, often ones that are nearly impossible to meet.  And.. the relationship APPEARS to deteriorate before your eyes.  But it's an illusion.

The relationship, like the narcissist, was always based on what you 'thought' was real but was merely a facade.  Once the facade begins to crack and crumble away, once the narcissist's mask begins to slip and ultimately drop... the truth of the situation reveals itself.  Sadly, you'll begin to frantically try to patch the cracks and decay, to help the narcissist replace the mask you fell in love with.  This can never be done, though, and as the relationship becomes depressing, disconnected, chaotic, not only will the narcissist blame you for this, you will end up blaming yourself.  He/she has groomed you from the beginning for this very moment.

Over time your self-esteem was whittled away at, and at some point hacked away recklessly and with wanton abandon by the same person who once made you feel like you mattered.  This is the worst part of the devaluation period, a time in which you will ultimately be blamed for the hurt and damaged inflicted upon you by the narcissist.

10.  You will notice more frequently that the narcissist is accusing YOU of exactly what he/she is doing, often at the time you're being accused.  THIS is one of the most tell-tale signs you're dealing with a narcissist, btw---projection.  It happens early on as well, but you're in the throes of falling in love and being mostly gushed mover, pampered perhaps, and made to 'feel loved.'  Here is when, in a perfect world, we would recognize that we are falling in love with an IDEAL and make haste of getting far far away.

.................................

I've chosen not to list everything, because the list really is quite long.  All of these warning signs overlap because they're all connected, and they also share one key component: blame.  You will be ultimately blamed for every mistake, every problem, every single thing that goes wrong in the relationship.  And all the 'right' things, the seemingly 'good' things, well, those will be the things your narcissist will take credit for.  Don't fall for it.

Here's the part where I talk to you frankly, as a person with experience:

Look, I'm no expert, and I've no degree in psychology.  I can't analyze anyone, but what I can do is analyze their BEHAVIOR.  As human beings without degrees in psychology that's all we can do, it's what we MUST do; that, and practice the skill of discernment.

We cannot be blamed for what was done to us by a narcissist.  Their malignant self-love leaves no room for them to feel compassion, so they inflict pain, and they hurt us emotionally, sometimes physically, and they have no true self-restraint.  There is NOTHING at all that we can do to make it stop, to change them.  They are what they are, and in the RARE event they recognize they have a problem they can seek and obtain help, even change and become a better, kinder, more compassionate person.  But WE cannot change them, ever.  And we MUST NOT EVER blame ourselves for what they are.

My college honors psych classes didn't prepare me for dealing with this personally, but seeing a therapist DID give me a tremendous amount of insight, and it helped me understand what part of me made me vulnerable to these personality types.  It can help you too.  Why suffer when you don't have to?

Am I healed?  No.  Not completely.  I would benefit from finding another therapist.  I'm in a new city and just haven't searched for a therapist to replace the last.  But again, I also have been telling myself that I understand now and am okay.

But I'm not okay.

You see, breaking up with a narcissist is ugly business.  Not because you've broken up, but because you've broken up with an IDEAL.  How the hell do you say goodbye to an IDEAL?  You can't.  And because of this you never really get to say goodbye, to obtain that much-needed closure!

You can't say goodbye to someone who never existed to begin with.

Please understand that I'm not devaluing that person as a human being or saying that they as a person didn't exist, wasn't or isn't deserving of love, respect, etc.  They absolutely did and DO!  But the "Someone" I'm referring to DIDN'T exist, and that was the person who wore the mask, built the facade, then tore it all down because I never mattered as a person.  Do you understand?  It's not easy to describe something so utterly complicated.

I have to accept every day that I was just narcissistic supply to someone I loved deeply, fully, and unconditionally.

You're killing everything I feel about you...

Weekends are the worst.  It's when T is home and there's no escape from the relentless indifference, complaining, and overt half-assing anything done.  I suppose it's just easier to talk myself into believing all the excuses I make for him, rather than face the facts head-on and acknowledge what I know with all that I am.  This is one of the greatest discomforts I know in terms of relationships; having to accept when you're holding the entire weight of the relationship on your shoulders.

Fuck that.

I've spent my entire life making excuses for the way some have treated me, and now is no exception.  Haven't I learned enough to know better by now?  Perhaps.  But putting what you know into action isn't always possible when you're in an impossible situation.  My goal of getting my health back is absolutely critical in changing my life, my world, and moving forward out of this absolutely 'stuck' situation I'm in.

I'm grateful for what I have.  I'm grateful I have a place to live.  I'm grateful God has made it so my life isn't a complete train wreck.  As I sit here in the wake of yet another blatant display of compassionless rhetoric from T... I know that things, for me, could be 100% better.  It's getting there that's going to take the most work.

So what's happened?  Well, my son hurt his back and has gone to the ER twice in the past two weeks.  He's been told he'll need surgery, but his insurance won't kick in until January.  He's still able to work, but when the pain is out of control, when it's difficult for him to walk... he misses work.  His boss is great, loves him and the work he does when there.  He's actually a shining star in that respect and has been since day 1 on the job.  But in the meantime, while his wife attends college full-time, while the two kids' needs for school, etc. must be met, paying the cell phone bill plummets to the bottom of the list titled "necessities."  Even I get this.  Still, T has to bitch and complain, while my son and his wife stress.  My son was diagnosed with a bleeding ulcer and high BP almost a year ago, and stress, anxiety is NOT his friend.  To say the least.

We put them on our family plan, because the cost isn't really all that different from when they had their crappy phones on that crappy network they used to have.  But you know what?  Shit happens.  And family is supposed to help family.  My son was there for me SO many times, and now.. it's time for me to be there for him.  He asks for nothing.  He's humble about the situation he's in, and from time to time he's expressed how ashamed he is that things have gotten this way.  I assure him that 'shit happens' and that helping is what family does.  It's always been this way.  He still feels awful, but honestly.. he shouldn't.

When T whines and complains about having to cover their part of the cell phone bill.. it changes how I feel about him.  T's greatest love in his life is money.  It's true.  And while it's all well and good to be practical and do all the right things, financially, it's more important to do the right things by family.  This isn't a long-term situation, so listening to him whine and complain literally kills what I feel for him.  What's left, that is.  Nice job, T.

Have I told him this?  Yes.  Point-blank, up-front, no political correctness, no sugar-coating anything. I'm not cruel or mean about it, but I make absolutely certain that I get my point across.

I've tried to show him how his actions and words, or lack thereof, hurts others.  I've shown him understanding (at first), patience (at first), and have done everything I could to help... always with love and kindness.  I'm now at a place where I no longer am willing to do the work for him.  He's a grown man and has to make up his own mind who and what he wants to be; an asshole, or a good man.  The first takes no effort, while the second takes absolute effort; being attentive to others while also being aware of one's words, deeds, and even motives.

It really all boils down to ONE major thing:  Love is a verb.

So here I sit in the garden of decay, loving T much less each time he chooses indifference, lack of compassion or understanding, every single time he chooses bitching over an act of love.

I'm quickly edging towards feeling absolutely nothing for T.  He knows.  He complains about that, too.  But he refuses to look at himself, what he does and doesn't do, and makes NO effort to be that better person.

I'm so damn tired of this, and I am left completely unimpressed.

I'm turned on by gentlemen, and gentlemanly behaviors.  Leaving one's morality, decency, and humanity completely unchecked is a MASSIVE turnoff for me, no matter WHO you are.