Again, I don't use words like "Selfish" loosely. I know what the word means. There are people who accuse others of being selfish... because those people aren't giving them what they want and are not giving into demands. I'm not one of those people. I wouldn't call someone selfish simply because they don't give me what they want... oh, but I've been on the receiving end of that, I can tell you. But that person had a LOT of issues, so there's that.
T's selfishness doesn't make him sexy, doesn't make him 'dearer' to me, and I don't at all find it attractive on any level. Duh, I know. I guess what I'm saying here is that it turns me off in a huge way. A lack of empathy and compassion combined with selfishness is not something one can brag about, I assure you.
There are too many instances to discuss here, and I wouldn't even try. But what happened this morning was like a glass of ice-water in the face, which always leaves me to some serious introspection about where I want my life to be.
I've not slept very well in several nights and last night was the crashing point where my body just finally gave out enough to sleep deeply. T usually wakes me up before he leaves for work so I can take my morning medicine, and since the diagnosis of borderline diabetes I have to check my blood glucose in the mornings.. before taking any medicine or drinking water. It's important I check morning glucose, so this is one thing I never skip as it can reveal a possible turning point in which pre-diabetes can shift and become something more serious.
So T wakes me up, and having been in a VERY DEEP sleep it wasn't easy. I struggled to think, to even speak... I was a little confused and disoriented--not fully awake. As I lay there trying to get my bearings I could see T standing there with this impatient look on his face, and he was using that tone of voice that tells me he's in full-blown passive-aggressive mode. He stood there with that posture that said he was in a hurry. Still too sleepy to get my thoughts straight, I leaned up on one arm attempting to clear my head and wake up fully.
Normally, he will wake me up and put the lancet in the device because, honestly... some days my eyes are SO blurry I can't see well enough to (a blood sugar thing, my doctor says). It takes a few seconds to put the lancet in the device and take the protective cap off. Today, however, he just stood there as a few seconds passed, standing and half-leaning against the dresser. My thoughts, as muddled as they were, came together enough to think... 'Arrogant.' His stance, posture... looked blatantly arrogant.
I was beginning to wake up more at this point as anxiety and stress began to take hold. Many mornings are like this as T will often barrel through the house, half bent as he RUSHES around... as if that behavior was going to somehow get him from point A to point B faster. Well, whatever. Anyway, as the stress began to take hold, as I could feel the anxiety growing in my stomach... he finally turned towards the little table with my glucose monitoring kit, and started to close it. He picked up the meds laying there and was going to hand them to me..... I was very confused at this point. But what he did next.... shocked as well as angered me.
He turned to me and said, "You could just skip this today...."
Huh? What?
I was fully awake at this moment---and oddly speechless. I sat there for a moment, angry... still sleepy, yet fully feeling the effects of what he just said to me. The exchange hadn't lasted even a minute, perhaps 30 seconds at the most. But the impact of what transpired was forceful, and it woke me up in a big way.
Anger wasn't permitting clear thought, I can tell you. I was simply stunned into silence, left with my anger and trying desperately to calm down. What I told him was just to go, to go to work. I'm 100% certain he could tell I was pissed.
Once the initial anxiety and stress subsided I was left weak and achy and beyond fatigued. I went back to bed and slept another 2.5 hours.
In the aftermath of this morning were a few other surprises, just idiotic stuff I had to clean in the kitchen. I swear my children when growing up weren't this messy. So that wasn't fun as a follow up.
I'm not going to explain to him the importance of monitoring my blood sugar as the doctor instructed. He was there IN the room when she gave me the diagnosis! He was in the room when she asked if my mom and oldest sister (who both had diabetes) had any diabetic complications, and when I said YES... he also heard her say that it makes my likelihood of having complications that much higher. He was there when she said I needed medication to hopefully stop the progression, and he was there when she spoke of how serious it is that things be addressed NOW, that pre-diabetes causes damage and raises the risk of heart attack and stroke significantly. He was there.
I was told that the goal for my morning blood glucose levels should be UNDER 100. They've been hovering around 115 but have been as high as 123 and as low as 109. The low of 109 happened only once. If I get readings that consistently show elevated to 124 or above... that's a big red flag. So checking every day gives my doctor an average to see where things are going.
T was there for the entire conversation.
He's shown his hand, as he often does, and I see all too clearly where he stands and what he thinks. He's shown his hand when it comes to everything I'm dealing with, be it Autoimmune Hepatitis, Pre-Diabetes, heart issues, etc. He spends a lot of time watching tv, and a lot of time on FB. He knows very little to nothing about what I'm dealing with because he hasn't bothered to read, research, etc.
I belong to a forum for pre-diabetics and diabetics, and I can't even tell you how many spouses, sisters, brothers, etc... seek information, talk about their concerns, ask what they can do to help. T, in stark contrast... acts as if everything is perfectly normal.
Emotionally, I've been separating myself from T out of necessity. I recognize this as a protective behavior and one that is actually healthy. His lack of compassion, empathy, compassion or concern, his indifference especially... have pretty much turned me off at this point and I'm not trying to fix that because it's not my place. This has happened before, so I recognize where I am in this. I don't find hatefulness, indifference, nor a lack of compassion attractive in the least. I also don't find passive/aggressive, or out-right aggression attractive, and I cannot abide control freaks... in which T is one. At least he knows he's a control freak. He's not doing anything about it, but at least he's aware.
Still, my life's course can't be set by someone else's map. I have to set my own course, make my own decisions, and do what's right and necessary for me, for my health, for my happiness, for my life.
For now all I can do is fight like hell not to fall into that pit of despair and dare to dream when I'm able. I can't allow anyone, not ANYONE to destroy my happiness and health.
This is an ongoing situation, one of which I can only address one day at a time because of my current bad health.
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