Thoughts, Scattered.

....More often then not.  Yet, the ramblings that ensue are necessary.

Autumn, Fall, Gilded in Warm Memories.

My favorite time of year is here, and I've taken the first steps to re-vamping my sites so I can have them live again.  A story, a memory, and a future-book, "Autumn Whispers to Me" will be live soon.  Until then, there are the audio blogs...

September 01, 2016: Rant, confusion, whatever...

Life.  Amiright?

Audio Blog Continues...

Healing being what it is, and a slow process at that, rants, raves and sometimes utter confusion will find itself with a voice.  C'est la vie.  No real title for this.... it's just been that kind of week or so.

Pushing ahead....

Still going through shoulder recover, and will be for some time.  I've made another video so I can continue to keep up here.  Thanks for visiting...

:)

Risk for Redemption.

I played a bit with the idea of composing an audio/vid for myself, just something to remind me that there was, in fact, a time when I felt like a normal human being, when pain was minimal and sometimes absent, when I could behave normally, when restrictions of body (and now spirit and emotion) hadn't taken hold.  I know I used to feel better and actually participate in L I F E.  But for the life of me, my mind edits at will and separates the now from the then, the me I became and the me I once was.  So to keep it all in perspective... I made an audio movie with pics ranging from 8 months ago to 4 years ago, before this big crash in everything that is 'my life' and 'me.'

I was hesitant to upload it here (still am), but a friend of mine said "Do it.  Put it ALL out there, and to hell with what anyone thinks!"  It feels odd to see my own face all over this video, but... it's mostly for me anyway, something I can look at and recall that L I F E was there in me, and maybe.. just maybe... I will start believing again.  enough of the typing... arm aches horribly.

The compilation set as a reminder of where I once was in my L I F E and H E A L T H, remembering a healthier, happier me... taking a risk for redemption of myself, an apology to tell the woman I've become.... 'I'm so sorry I let you down."

Experiment #1...

Hi everyone.  Until my shoulder heals enough so that typing isn't painful, I'll be making audio entries in my blogs.  I can only handle so much typing, so this means audio will be a much better choice for now.  Thanks for your patience....

What If.....

What if I said I wanted to pour my heart and soul out to you?  What if I could, even for a very short time, find such trust that nothing, absolutely nothing would be off limits in what I could share?  What if I didn't hold back, didn't keep my entire heart's secrets walled off from the rest of me, and expose every one in such detail that it took your breath away?  What if... I told you a secret you'd never forget, no matter how hard you tried?

What if you could be surprised at the stories I hold inside?

What if I told you that I've never trusted a soul 100% in my life but that I'm willing to now?

What would you ask me if you could ask me anything?

What if I told you that you'd be surprised at who I'm talking to, and would you want it to be you?

Post-Surgery Blues, and the Inevitable Pain of Indifference.

This is difficult.  Post-surgery for frozen shoulder and minor rotator cuff tear and I'm feeling like hell.    It will take a long time to recover and regain full use of my left arm, and dammit but it hurts to type.  I almost decided to do an audio blog but not enough privacy the last couple of days to do that.  So I'll make this just a quick check-in.

I'm not sleeping, mostly getting up several times a night to move my arm, elbow... to alleviate what pain I can.  This is often a tearful process.  I don't know when the big crash will come, but it will.  A human being simply can't withstand not sleeping like this.  On Wednesday, then on Saturday... things will change and hopefully for the better.

Sleeping on my side after this kind of surgery isn't the best idea, and it creates a world of pain, swelling to an unhealthy level in my arm.  This became the catalyst for ordering one of those Tempur Pedic beds.  NOT the cheapest thing in the world, but a very necessary one at this point as the healing process is going to take a long time.  So be it.  It's adjustable so I can support the back of my legs and have the back of the bed upright to manage sleeping without being on my side.  Saturday, a Laz-boy chair will arrive, and mostly for the same purpose.  As it stands now my options are to sit straight/upright or lay in a flat bed.  Both options mean pain and swelling.  But hey, those recliners are awesome and it's not like it won't be fully enjoyed way beyond the shoulder healing.

I suppose at this point I'm just rambling, but everything I am is consumed with the pain and trying to work past it without taking the powerful pain killers I was given.  The side effects sucks, and that means I'm making damn sure to take them sparingly.  But either way, my point is basically that I'll be dealing with this for a while and probably not making a lot of sense when I post.

There most likely won't be daily entries for a while, but I will try my best.

Post-surgery with all it's unbelievable pain has opened up a part of me that I really would rather leave closed, shut away, and ignored.  That echo chamber of the past and present merging in unsettling ways rumbles below the surface, always, making itself known at the darkest of hours and experiences.  I find myself unsettled---not just my circumstances or thoughts.  In the wee hours, especially when awakened by the almost ceaseless pain, true anxiety sets in and grips me.  Most of the time I can overcome it and get past it's frightening messages.  But then there are times when it takes hold and I find myself incredibly vulnerable and needing a strong, positive presence to jerk me back into a brighter reality.  Things is... I have no such strong, positive presence.  Yeah.
What to do with that.

As you guys know, indifference has been my companion.  T's indifference rears it's true self amidst the pain that really feels as if it's going to rip me apart.  You see, the first part of knowing how to squash pain naturally is to avoid stress at all costs, because stress destroy's the body's own ability to send much-needed pain killers to it's needed location.  Over time, especially in the presence of AI disease and fibromyalgia.... the breakdown of this mechanism is swift and brutal, leaving me without any natural defenses.  This sucks.

I've been brought to tears by the sheer intensity and duration of this pain, and the fibro is in a massive flare-up now, adding wide-spread, diffuse pain to that of the post-surgical.  While it's nothing to brag about, I will admit that I've been brought to my knees by the force of it all, crying so hard I felt as if my head would explode.  Late at night, when it's at its worst T will simply get up, stand there... and say nothing, do nothing, offer nothing.  I've had to tell him it's best he stay away rather than bring that indifference to the already miserable situation.

It is times like this that I long for "home," whatever and wherever that is.  No one to reach out to, to plead to, or talk to.  Not a parent, sibling, or best friend.  No one.  It's only when either by exhaustion or prescription intervention does the pain lessen a little, just enough for my mind to bring forth an image of a healthy, happy, joyful, fulfilled and pain-free me.  When I fall asleep... it sometimes carries me into dreaming, those thoughts.

My arm is in a lot of pain at the moment, so I'm going to sign off.  I hope that each day with willpower and physical therapy.. and even the weaker moments when I allow myself the prescription help to relieve the pain... maybe I'll get stronger, better.  I have 3 days of PT this coming week... and I pray it's the start to real recovery.

I need this pain to stop.  I really do.

Hopefully I can post tomorrow.

PS... I was amazed at how many page views Where Fireflies Dream received.... gave me a smile.

It's About Time.

When I first began blogging it was for one specific reason--venting.  I needed a place where I could get things off my chest that were bothering me so I could get on with life without cumbersome emotions or baggage.  I had ONE blog at that time.  When things got tough, and they often were, I would visit my blog and unload to my heart's content, not giving a single iota to being politically correct or holding back out of some delusion that I somehow had to be 'polite' here.  The venting would ensue, fall upon the screen, and I would be left to bask in the aftermath of some seriously epic purging of thoughts, feelings, and more.  In the end I would usually go back and delete the long-winded and emotionally-charged entries, knowing I could do so now that some time had past.  That blog still exists and I still post in it as often as possible, and I named it "All Things Ephemeral" for a reason, even if that reason no longer exists.  Let me explain....

A few years ago I made the decision to stop deleting the entries.  Being honest with myself I realized that I was deleting so as not to 'hurt feelings' of those I vented about.  No matter that I left off names and details that would give much away to the wrong set of eyes reading, I decided it was somehow 'impolite' to share even my feelings and experiences.  Boy, was that ever stupid.  I'm glad I came to my senses and stopped editing the content over some perceived butthurt it may cause someone else.  But, did I really stop editing my own entries after all?  Well, today I figured it was something worth investigating.

I often come here and stare at the blank screen where bits of my life would fall and wonder... "How can I actually talk about this?"  I know as I write just how much I'm holding back, even when I don't WANT to.  Still, the struggle to set myself free remains just that--a struggle, even today.  Even when I know the healthiest thing I can do for myself is write about it, get it out of my system, it's remains incredibly difficult just the same.

What I want very much to do right now is to take the first step in 'going there,' to talk openly instead of using a string of allusions to piece together a story that, when all is said and done, remains unclear and ill-explained because of that fear below the surface of truth.

A Bold First Step

My next blog entry will be in This Free Spirit, and I tell you this because it will ultimately be the first blog entry in many years where I hold little if nothing back.  With failing health I need all the help I can get to break the bonds of emotional servitude, and the first step is to open myself completely to the idea of 'almost' full disclosure.

Wish me luck....

Life---Glaringly Apparent

There are a ton of people out there who love to use words in a loose and inappropriate way.  I try not to be one of those people.  Am I perfect?  Hell no.  But I really do try to choose my words carefully.  One word that's been in my mind a lot lately is the word "Selfish."  I've witnessed a lot of selfishness over the past few years, and while seeing that makes me a bit sad about humanity as a whole, I realize that not everyone is--selfish.  But I have to say, after 2 years of living with this man I have to admit that T has a selfish nature.  It's not one of hose hateful, malignant things as it can be with so many.  It's more of a childish and immaturity thing.  Either way, it wreaks havoc on my life in major ways.

Again, I don't use words like "Selfish" loosely.  I know what the word means.  There are people who accuse others of being selfish... because those people aren't giving them what they want and are not giving into demands.  I'm not one of those people.  I wouldn't call someone selfish simply because they don't give me what they want... oh, but I've been on the receiving end of that, I can tell you.  But that person had a LOT of issues, so there's that.

T's selfishness doesn't make him sexy, doesn't make him 'dearer' to me, and I don't at all find it attractive on any level.  Duh, I know.  I guess what I'm saying here is that it turns me off in a huge way.  A lack of empathy and compassion combined with selfishness is not something one can brag about, I assure you.

There are too many instances to discuss here, and I wouldn't even try.  But what happened this morning was like a glass of ice-water in the face, which always leaves me to some serious introspection about where I want my life to be.

I've not slept very well in several nights and last night was the crashing point where my body just finally gave out enough to sleep deeply.  T usually wakes me up before he leaves for work so I can take my morning medicine, and since the diagnosis of borderline diabetes I have to check my blood glucose in the mornings.. before taking any medicine or drinking water.  It's important I check morning glucose, so this is one thing I never skip as it can reveal a possible turning point in which pre-diabetes can shift and become something more serious.

So T wakes me up, and having been in a VERY DEEP sleep it wasn't easy.  I struggled to think, to even speak... I was a little confused and disoriented--not fully awake.  As I lay there trying to get my bearings I could see T standing there with this impatient look on his face, and he was using that tone of voice that tells me he's in full-blown passive-aggressive mode.  He stood there with that posture that said he was in a hurry.  Still too sleepy to get my thoughts straight, I leaned up on one arm attempting to clear my head and wake up fully.

Normally, he will wake me up and put the lancet in the device because, honestly... some days my eyes are SO blurry I can't see well enough to (a blood sugar thing, my doctor says).  It takes a few seconds to put the lancet in the device and take the protective cap off.  Today, however, he just stood there as a few seconds passed, standing and half-leaning against the dresser.  My thoughts, as muddled as they were, came together enough to think... 'Arrogant.'  His stance, posture... looked blatantly arrogant.

I was beginning to wake up more at this point as anxiety and stress began to take hold.  Many mornings are like this as T will often barrel through the house, half bent as he RUSHES around... as if that behavior was going to somehow get him from point A to point B faster.  Well, whatever.  Anyway, as the stress began to take hold, as I could feel the anxiety growing in my stomach... he finally turned towards the little table with my glucose monitoring kit, and started to close it.  He picked up the meds laying there and was going to hand them to me..... I was very confused at this point.  But what he did next.... shocked as well as angered me.

He turned to me and said, "You could just skip this today...."

Huh?  What?

I was fully awake at this moment---and oddly speechless.  I sat there for a moment, angry... still sleepy, yet fully feeling the effects of what he just said to me.  The exchange hadn't lasted even a minute, perhaps 30 seconds at the most.  But the impact of what transpired was forceful, and it woke me up in a big way.

Anger wasn't permitting clear thought, I can tell you.  I was simply stunned into silence, left with my anger and trying desperately to calm down.  What I told him was just to go, to go to work.  I'm 100% certain he could tell I was pissed.

Once the initial anxiety and stress subsided I was left weak and achy and beyond fatigued.  I went back to bed and slept another 2.5 hours.

In the aftermath of this morning were a few other surprises, just idiotic stuff I had to clean in the kitchen.  I swear my children when growing up weren't this messy.  So that wasn't fun as a follow up.

I'm not going to explain to him the importance of monitoring my blood sugar as the doctor instructed.  He was there IN the room when she gave me the diagnosis!  He was in the room when she asked if my mom and oldest sister (who both had diabetes) had any diabetic complications, and when I said YES... he also heard her say that it makes my likelihood of having complications that much higher.  He was there when she said I needed medication to hopefully stop the progression, and he was there when she spoke of how serious it is that things be addressed NOW, that pre-diabetes causes damage and raises the risk of heart attack and stroke significantly.  He was there.

I was told that the goal for my morning blood glucose levels should be UNDER 100.  They've been hovering around 115 but have been as high as 123 and as low as 109.  The low of 109 happened only once.  If I get readings that consistently show elevated to 124 or above... that's a big red flag.  So checking every day gives my doctor an average to see where things are going.

T was there for the entire conversation.

He's shown his hand, as he often does, and I see all too clearly where he stands and what he thinks.  He's shown his hand when it comes to everything I'm dealing with, be it Autoimmune Hepatitis, Pre-Diabetes, heart issues, etc.  He spends a lot of time watching tv, and a lot of time on FB.  He knows very little to nothing about what I'm dealing with because he hasn't bothered to read, research, etc.

I belong to a forum for pre-diabetics and diabetics, and I can't even tell you how many spouses, sisters, brothers, etc... seek information, talk about their concerns, ask what they can do to help.  T, in stark contrast... acts as if everything is perfectly normal.

Emotionally, I've been separating myself from T out of necessity.  I recognize this as a protective behavior and one that is actually healthy.  His lack of compassion, empathy, compassion or concern, his indifference especially... have pretty much turned me off at this point and I'm not trying to fix that because it's not my place.  This has happened before, so I recognize where I am in this.  I don't find hatefulness, indifference, nor a lack of compassion attractive in the least.  I also don't find passive/aggressive, or out-right aggression attractive, and I cannot abide control freaks... in which T is one.  At least he knows he's a control freak.  He's not doing anything about it, but at least he's aware.

Still, my life's course can't be set by someone else's map.  I have to set my own course, make my own decisions, and do what's right and necessary for me, for my health, for my happiness, for my life.

For now all I can do is fight like hell not to fall into that pit of despair and dare to dream when I'm able.  I can't allow anyone, not ANYONE to destroy my happiness and health.

This is an ongoing situation, one of which I can only address one day at a time because of my current bad health.

Listen...

No really, LISTEN.  I'm ADHD and have been all my life.  It reveals itself somewhat differently as an adult as it did when I was a child.  Makes sense, right?  Sometimes I don't hear something or are easily distracted, but not because I'm bored or I don't care what the person talking is saying.  However, and I'm only touching on it right now, I'm sick of not being heard.

Too sick to go any further, but I just had to let that out for now.

More on this later---trust me.  Ugh.

Controlled Crash PART II.

Waking up, there's stress.  Texts & phone calls = stress.  Making decisions brings conflict and stress, and the very essence of being begins to die under all... that... stress.  Eventually life is centered around 'Sink or swim,' around 'Fight or flight,' and honestly.... that is NOT life OR living.  At what point do I acknowledge what I already know and take action?

I'm too tired, to painful, and too sick to continue this entry for long, but I can say that if I were healthy, of at least normal health with energy to get through my day like anyone else I would most likely not be where I am or doing what I'm doing.  My life would be quite different.

These conversations aren't always in private.  What I blog about has been talked about openly at some point.  What drives me to work things out here is the fact that a resolution, a solution, a fix has not yet made itself known, nor even the offering of an idea of one, to be honest.  And waiting isn't living, my friends.  I think we can all agree to that, can't we?

If I could choose anything right now it would be happiness.  No matter what the packaging was, happiness is the goal.  All other wants and desires really come secondary to that with only ONE exception; doing the right thing, ultimately.  Could I be this sick AND happy?  I'm sure I could in the right circumstances where stress, anxiety and conflict didn't occur at every turn.  Many people are sick and happy, and those people have a great support system.  A support system, btw, can be just one person, but it takes involvement for it to work.  Stupid uttering of well-intended fools will say "I'm here for you!" yet are as absent as ever.

Love is a verb.

Compassion is a verb.

Love is what you DO, not what you SAY.

Compassion is love in action.

It's not rocket science.  People can lazily give lip service day in and day out, plop memes on someone's TL on social networking sites, or send a text.  Lazy, lazy, lazy.  A phone call or actually BEING there does make all the difference in the world.  But there are other things, worse things than being emotionally lazy.  Much worse.

For example: Spending time making that person's life miserable, or being so careless that you cause harm to them is worse than being lazy.  But NEITHER of those are good, kind, compassionate or loving.  In fact, they're incredibly cruel in their delivery and effect, and they're a dark gift that keeps on giving.

I have far too much pain to go any further into this, but the most important thing to take away from all of this is that being a control freak means you're not tending to YOUR life but, cruelly, to someone else's, and not a single bit of that is love or companion.  Not even close.

I'll touch on that later---just having a major crash as I do about this time every day....

To Live.

I've posted in my other blogs so am a bit spent here.  Please forgive any 'flat' statements.  And if this all comes across tired... it's because it is, and I am.  Somewhere between life and death there has to be actual LIVING.  For me, this is a bit more difficult to achieve.  So how and when do I get my health back, my energy back, my LIFE back?  Haven't I been asking this same question for what seems forever?   No need to answer that.
I'm sitting here right now hearing that inner voice of my body sending me every available signal that I need to lay down.  But that's not what I'm looking for, not what I want to do.  Bedridden isn't living. I've managed to get out of that constant bedridden state, but it hasn't made standing, sitting, walking, or even being alive... easy.  So now what?

I don't harbor any false hope of T ever obtaining the ability to be anything other than what he is, or what he chooses to be; lost in a non-compassionate state.  He fully embraces indifference, and I believe he does so because, well, it's simply lazy and easier.  A lot of men are like this.  Too many.  He knows he is too and doesn't seem to care that he is.  But he rails against the truth even while he admits it, stating that he's very loving and compassionate.  Okay.  Maybe.  But not to me.  What this has done over time is make me pull away, and yes I've told him this.  I know where this is heading where I'm concerned.

I long for that time when I wasn't dating, in a relationship, when I was fully myself even if my health was failing at that time.  And it wasn't all that long ago, really.  Time passes, months and years, and I've watched my health fail in a situation that lacks empathy.  What the hell am I supposed to do with that?

Many nights I can't sleep because the growing anxiety has bullied it's way into the only respite I used to know---sleep.  Dammit.

I wake up tired, spent, worn out, and unmotivated.  This isn't going to help me heal and, in fact, will hurt me even more.

Will today, this weekend, be yet another failure on T's part?  Will he insist yet again on buying food that hurts my health and ignoring ALL of my doctors' warnings?  I can't say I'm optimistic about this.

I'm exhausted trying to be my own champion.