Controlled Crash PART II.

Waking up, there's stress.  Texts & phone calls = stress.  Making decisions brings conflict and stress, and the very essence of being begins to die under all... that... stress.  Eventually life is centered around 'Sink or swim,' around 'Fight or flight,' and honestly.... that is NOT life OR living.  At what point do I acknowledge what I already know and take action?

I'm too tired, to painful, and too sick to continue this entry for long, but I can say that if I were healthy, of at least normal health with energy to get through my day like anyone else I would most likely not be where I am or doing what I'm doing.  My life would be quite different.

These conversations aren't always in private.  What I blog about has been talked about openly at some point.  What drives me to work things out here is the fact that a resolution, a solution, a fix has not yet made itself known, nor even the offering of an idea of one, to be honest.  And waiting isn't living, my friends.  I think we can all agree to that, can't we?

If I could choose anything right now it would be happiness.  No matter what the packaging was, happiness is the goal.  All other wants and desires really come secondary to that with only ONE exception; doing the right thing, ultimately.  Could I be this sick AND happy?  I'm sure I could in the right circumstances where stress, anxiety and conflict didn't occur at every turn.  Many people are sick and happy, and those people have a great support system.  A support system, btw, can be just one person, but it takes involvement for it to work.  Stupid uttering of well-intended fools will say "I'm here for you!" yet are as absent as ever.

Love is a verb.

Compassion is a verb.

Love is what you DO, not what you SAY.

Compassion is love in action.

It's not rocket science.  People can lazily give lip service day in and day out, plop memes on someone's TL on social networking sites, or send a text.  Lazy, lazy, lazy.  A phone call or actually BEING there does make all the difference in the world.  But there are other things, worse things than being emotionally lazy.  Much worse.

For example: Spending time making that person's life miserable, or being so careless that you cause harm to them is worse than being lazy.  But NEITHER of those are good, kind, compassionate or loving.  In fact, they're incredibly cruel in their delivery and effect, and they're a dark gift that keeps on giving.

I have far too much pain to go any further into this, but the most important thing to take away from all of this is that being a control freak means you're not tending to YOUR life but, cruelly, to someone else's, and not a single bit of that is love or companion.  Not even close.

I'll touch on that later---just having a major crash as I do about this time every day....