Today. And why not?

Email from a friend...

Text, FB, Email is NOT a respectful way to have important conversations.

NOTE:  Audio isn't as clear as I'd like, so I'm working on that today so future uploads are without any weird sounds.  Thanks for your patience.

Controlled Crash PART I.

I've not posted in a while, I know.  Some days are just too hard to think, much less talk about what's happening.  Health issues are still unresolved so I'm living in hell for the most part.  Bad thing is, part of that hell, one of the biggest part of that hell isn't my failing health but who I'm with.  Today I'm choosing to be blunt.  It's about time.

I've spent the better part of the morning, to make a long story short as possible, doing a research--a LOT of research.  Doesn't even matter what the subject matter is (not health this time).  What IS important and what absolutely matters in every way is the complete disconnection from T... until I make up my own mind about something and choose to act upon it.  It's part of being a grown-up, so I hear.  You know, making informed decisions on issues that affect one's life. ((sarcasm))

I put in hours worth of research and made my decision after days of talking to people who're experts on the subject, reading, and watching informative videos.  It's not like I made my decision rashly or without forethought.  By the time I put in the footwork and came to my decision---it was with a 100% certainty.  Personally, I have no doubts about my decision at all.

During the stages of research and educating myself on the subject.. T was off in la-la-land, where he seems to spend most of his time (like many average men).  Be it diving headlong into a FB fixation that eats up every spare moment, or staring mindlessly at a screen watching some movie or series or whatever.  Then there's all the other extraneous things and the important things.  When it's all said and done, honestly, I'm left with wondering if I need to make an appointment with him just to have a conversation about important issues.  Thing is--I'm not even remotely the time to do that.  Oh, I USED to be the girl who would wait like an idiot for Mr. Man to have the time for me, but I don't indulge that anymore.

There just isn't any time.  Right?  Not exactly...

It's AFTER I put in the time and effort to research something, AFTER I make my decision based on that research and time... when he decides to be a part of the process and tries to TELL me how things will go, how it will happen (or not happen), and goes on to put time in to finding an alternative to my decision.  What.  The.  Actual.  Hell?

I'm sorry, but if you're too busy to not be a part of the process, you're sure as hell not going to be a part of the decision.  Period.  You can't just waltz in and take over AFTER the fact!

There's a certain intelligence that comes with recognizing and working with your limitations, knowing when to stop or take a different course.  I know my limitations well and am well informed on how to either get around or overcome them.  If you can't identify your limitations they will rule you and your life.

However, there are those who create limitations and full-on embrace them.  The most common, and the ones that irritate the hell out of me the most are the following:

I don't know.
I can't.
We'll see.
Maybe.
AND EVERYONE'S FAVORITE... ((sarcasm again))
If I have time.

Sometimes people don't know or can't do something.  I get that.  But when the question that precedes those answers is "Why"... I start to have a problem with that.  "Why are you being an asshole?"  "I don't know."  You see, the question is what makes those answers so infuriating, not so much the answers themselves.. However, I've always ALWAYS been one to say "I don't know BUT I'LL FIND OUT" if there's any way I can.

So when T attempts to crawl from the shadows and override my decisions and I ask "WHY?"... I honestly don't want to hear "I don't know."  And if I hear "I can't," I would like also to know... "WHY?"

It's not like I want to chat like a couple of old ladies over tea.  I'm talking about important issues that need discussing OR dealing with me having to make the decisions on my own due to lack of participation. Again, you can't just sashay in later after everything's been said and done and a decision's been made!

It's said that control freaks are generally very lazy people, that their own lives are usually badly out of sorts and they seek to control others in order to FEEL "In control."  I'm not talking about those who try to control their own lives, those who will listen to advice from others.  Even if that person doesn't TAKE your advice, they at least listen, and THAT is a fundamental difference between an actual control freak and those who may be a bit OCD in their own lives.  I can be said that the real control freak will be the one RESISTING ANY advice from you and INSISTING you take their advice.. no matter what, even if it's a very bad choice for you.

I'll end this here, but I'll try to compose PART II in a few minutes....

To Live.

I've posted in my other blogs so am a bit spent here.  Please forgive any 'flat' statements.  And if this all comes across tired... it's because it is, and I am.  Somewhere between life and death there has to be actual LIVING.  For me, this is a bit more difficult to achieve.  So how and when do I get my health back, my energy back, my LIFE back?  Haven't I been asking this same question for what seems forever?   No need to answer that.
I'm sitting here right now hearing that inner voice of my body sending me every available signal that I need to lay down.  But that's not what I'm looking for, not what I want to do.  Bedridden isn't living. I've managed to get out of that constant bedridden state, but it hasn't made standing, sitting, walking, or even being alive... easy.  So now what?

I don't harbor any false hope of T ever obtaining the ability to be anything other than what he is, or what he chooses to be; lost in a non-compassionate state.  He fully embraces indifference, and I believe he does so because, well, it's simply lazy and easier.  A lot of men are like this.  Too many.  He knows he is too and doesn't seem to care that he is.  But he rails against the truth even while he admits it, stating that he's very loving and compassionate.  Okay.  Maybe.  But not to me.  What this has done over time is make me pull away, and yes I've told him this.  I know where this is heading where I'm concerned.

I long for that time when I wasn't dating, in a relationship, when I was fully myself even if my health was failing at that time.  And it wasn't all that long ago, really.  Time passes, months and years, and I've watched my health fail in a situation that lacks empathy.  What the hell am I supposed to do with that?

Many nights I can't sleep because the growing anxiety has bullied it's way into the only respite I used to know---sleep.  Dammit.

I wake up tired, spent, worn out, and unmotivated.  This isn't going to help me heal and, in fact, will hurt me even more.

Will today, this weekend, be yet another failure on T's part?  Will he insist yet again on buying food that hurts my health and ignoring ALL of my doctors' warnings?  I can't say I'm optimistic about this.

I'm exhausted trying to be my own champion.

Lucid Dream...

I had my first lucid dream.  At least I think it was my first.  You know how dreams are... some of them you just can't remember.  But this one was pretty clear, and it had the usual recurring theme as my dreams tend to have, which has been the way of my dreams nearly my entire life.  There are basically 3 recurring themes, but I won't get into those now.  But as dreams go, this one was quite different then all the others.

The dream:

I was home, in 'my' room doing nothing but sitting quietly on the bed and looking out the window.  Clouds outside were very low, dark, broiling... and they shifted into what I recognized as a tornado (common theme in my dreams and not in the least scary, btw).  I jumped up and ran into the living room looking to see what damage there might be, can I yelled out to T that there was a tornado.

I could see the deck out back was damaged, the railing torn, and some trees, etc. were damaged.  I then walked into the breakfast nook area, and this is when I noticed the furniture was different, the room was different, and outside the breakfast nook window was another room.. instead of the deck and gorgeous view.

Once I realized everything was different I stopped, turned a little bit and told T... "Oh.  Never mind.  It's is just a dream." I then just looked around quickly, amused that I was dreaming.. then woke.

Weird.

And I don't mind weird at all, but... I felt in my dream, as I do after waking from an interesting or otherwise really good dream, rather.. disappointed.  Perhaps it was because I felt as if I had control of things in the dream, and much less so than in real life.

Whatever caused this lucid dream--I hope it happens again, because... I rather liked it.  Honestly, I wish I felt in real life the way I do in my dreams.  Why?  Because it's more like 'living.'

"....You've chosen lessons of pain."

I received a message with this video in it yesterday.  I have no idea who the person is who sent it... but, oddly.. this is one of my favorite songs and one I listen to every night.  Headphones on, dark room, and songs to obliterate the thoughts....

All alone you felt (All alone you felt)

Since the angels brought, you, down

Fly, too, high, now, you, have fallen perfectly

Certainly you'll see (Certainly you'll see)

[You] have a special purpose

To share

All, your, dreams, have, come, together perfectly

Could you open your mind

And see the reason

You've chosen lessons of pain

For a warrior's heart

Truth and inspiration

Reminds us to not be afraid

They don't understand (They don't understand)

Though they call themselves, your, friend

Fate, has, brought, you, back, to find your destiny

Should you travel deep (Should you travel deep)

Hear the voices, light, the, way

Souls, .... and, reveal your destiny

Could you open your mind

And see the reason

You've chosen lessons of pain

For a warrior's heart

Truth and inspiration

Reminds us to not be afraid

*instrumental*

Wipe your tears

It's all right

And revel yourself in the truth

You're the strongest heart

All these tears

All these nights lead down a road that seems like a maze yet

All you encounter will make sense in time

Could you open your mind

And see the reason?

You've chosen lessons of pain

For a warrior's heart

Truth and inspiration

Reminds us to not be afraid

Could you open your mind

And see the reason

You've chosen lessons of pain

For a warrior's heart

Truth and inspiration

Reminds us to not be afraid

Could you open your mind

And see the reason

You've chosen lessons of pain

For a warrior's heart

Truth and inspiration

Reminds us to not be afraid

Getting it all off my chest...

Well, it's a little cathartic to be able to vent, to scrutinize, to assess, to get it all out when something's bothering me.  If you want to know exactly what I'm talking about... it's HERE.  PART I and PART II were needed as this was, well, you'll see if you're curious enough to go there and read.  The discussion was about Beta men vs Alpha men and the necessary balance of power in a relationship.  I'm past that now, moving on, and wondering what the hell I'm going to do about my life as it is at the moment... not much of a life at all.  Aren't I always struggling with this?  Don't answer.

Exhaustion overcomes on the other side of stress.  I'm pretty much there at the moment and fighting like hell to defeat its encroachment.  What I'm left with is a familiar struggle to find my strength and focus again.  It's okay.  It is what it is.

I have to face each day like I don't remember the one before.  I can't allow myself to have any regrets, or allow the sense that I lost yet another 24 hours of my life.  There aren't any do-overs.  What I do is wake and think to myself.. "Today is the day."  It's a mantra of sorts, and one that has yet to actually work.

I'm spent.  Working on those two hefty entries has left me with virtually nothing.  So, if you're curious... click on the link above to read the most of today's crapola.

Anger? Surprise? Inspiration at its worst? WTH?

REPOST from my other blog(s):

Sometimes I get a spark of something that inspires me.  Such inspiration doesn't always present itself in the best way, though, but I usually try to go with it when it happens.  Such gems shouldn't be taken for granted but taken advantage of.  It really is that rare.

In the midst of fighting for every drop of energy that can be found wherever it is I can find it, a tiny burst will make its way into the day and nudge me.  Okay, I can certainly deal with that.  Wish there were MORE of it, but I'll take what I can get and go with it nonetheless.

The fuel for this little 'fire' isn't from a good source, definitely not a positive force, and most definitely not from a pleasant source.  Be that as it may, there it is... kind of like when your dog has an accident and you're left looking at it wondering to yourself what you did to deserve such a... 'gift'? lol  Okay, okay... enough with lame attempts at comedy.  Even so, the conversation with a friend of mine earlier today was what ignited this whatever-it-is and sent me on a journey to try and put my thoughts in order.  I found the results of that rather.. lacking.

All this blabbering, to be honest, is just my working through it all.  Not the conversation, because that was interesting and creatively invigorating.  But the chaos I'm dealing within the thought process at the moment is simply trying to pull together the shards of data that's left from past experience.  Anyone who understands this knows where I'm coming from.  G knows.  She gets it.  And, from what I read on her blog(s)... she's been able to run with it without tripping like a clown every step of the way that I've been.  Eh.  I'm still confident that this purging will eliminate the chaff and reveal the good stuff.  I'll be back to discuss that when it happens.

The Art of ASSumption & The Most Powerful Thing to Be.

I spent the last 1/2 hour or so talking on the phone to a friend of mine, who also has a blog as well, and we talked about life, health, girl stuff, and so on.  During the course of the conversation, and as the conversation settled into more meaningful, deeper topics... we both came to the realization that scrutiny is good, and ASSumption is bad.  Okay.  Sounds silly when you put it like that, but why confuse the issue with pretty words?

Somewhere between acquiring information and implementing reason something can go very, very awry, and the consequences aren't anything to write home about.  So why do people fall prey to the rather weak lure of assumption when the truth is often, though not always, fairly interesting?  G and I concluded that we definitely are in the middle of a dung-pile of thrill-seekers who can't handle being removed from the most caustic drama available.  And when it's not available... they set about constructing the facade that will most assist them in their endeavor to be shocked, appalled, thrilled, and mortified.  How crazy is that?  Well, maybe it's not crazy at all.

Humans thrive on drama.  Whether you have drama in your life or not, and it doesn't matter who's fault the drama is, people just can't seem to help themselves when said drama isn't up to par for their taste.  It takes talent, G and I agree on this, and we believe that in all seriousness people hone and perfect this skill that is not at all unlike mental heroin.  Once people try it.. they can't do without it, and when their 'stash' of drama runs low, or it's just not doing it anymore for them, they have to enhance it somehow.

Right before G and I hung up so we could, you know, blog about it (grin)... we both thought there was, in so many ways, a certain kind of power with being honest with blogging AND life.  When you realize your advantage, when it finally hits you that you're actually in a position power... the anger against having ASSumption being projected on you... that's the moment you win.

The most powerful thing to be, hands-down, is underestimated.

Now, this isn't anything new.  I've known this, as most do, my whole life.  Or at least fairly early on at some point... usually in childhood.  Even if we don't recognize it right off deep in our gut we know.  The first time someone doesn't believe us when we're telling the truth--realization sets in.  And either then, or later on in life, at some point in time... you understand fully that the moment people don't give you credit for having intelligence is the moment they relinquish their own power.. to you.

People who don't respect you try, even subconsciously, to discredit you.  This is a very strong form of underestimation of you as a person.  This means they underestimate you, therefore, can't predict what you will say, do, or think at any moment in any situation.  The mistrust they infuse doesn't move beyond themselves and, therefore... they weaken their own ability to 'keep up.'  My question in all of this is.. "Why on earth would they deliberately assume the position of weakness?"  Well, that's something only those people can answer.

I can be amused by all of this easily.  However, as G and I agreed, there's a certain element of pity that comes into play when you realize that when people choose to inject ASSumption into truth that their lives must become terribly distorted as a result.  How can anyone find anything good if the distortion becomes a barrier to actual communication?

At this moment I can visualize G blogging away frantically---excited to know she's not as powerless as she once thought.  It was a good conversation.

Off to re-post on my other blogs, then to read G's blog...

What a weird freaking day.

The elusive network of support.

I've been told throughout my life it's necessary, even vital to success when fighting against that which challenges.

Those challenges many of us face, be it losing weight, extracting oneself from a bad relationship, dealing with a break up or death of a loved one, financial hardship, health issues--I've been told that you simply can't do it alone.

Despite what I'm told, I'm testing that theory as we speak.

I don't need anyone to hold my hand all of the time, but when my resolve slips, my confidence wanes beneath unrelenting weakness and pain of which there's been no tangible hope of it ending soon, it would be nice to have someone who gives a crap present. And I'm not talking about someone being in the same room, but someone who is  Actually present.  Finding someone who can be actually present is a lot harder than it sounds.  At least in my experience.

I've dealt with people who say they love me but choose to be abusive and/or simply not there emotionally.  Trust me when I say this isn't my first rodeo.  And I can tell the difference between if someone is 'absent' with malice or not.  In my current situation there isn't any malice, but it doesn't feel a lot different from the situations I've been in where this was the case.

If you've not read the post below you probably won't understand what I'm about to say...

I've been so sick over the past week that I've been bedridden until today.  The why's and wherefores of the situation is in the post below.  But I'm going to be very blunt here, and at the risk of sounding like a weakling--which is far different from being physically weak, btw.  Still, my experiences over the past week have both saddened and introduced an anxiety about my vulnerability in the life I'm in at the moment.

Bedridden, for me, means sitting up for any length of time is impossible, that standing and walking are feats that make me feel like I've just done something magical.  Standing means my legs shaking so badly that I'm not sure I'll make to to whatever destination I'm heading towards, even if it's 6-10 ft away.  Sitting up, as well as standing and walking, means I feel a wave of extreme weakness wash over me from the top down, leaving an equally intense aching in its place.  This means that over the past several days I don't eat unless someone can bring me something.

The lack of appetite and early satiety, at least, has helped make this vulnerability easier to bear, though my body does send uncomfortable signals that I need nutrition.  I've also lost my taste for water and have to force myself to drink it.  Even with small sips my stomach revolts with waves of nausea.

T worked from home a couple of days this week and was home, of course, over the weekend.  I've never felt so much like an inconvenience.  But the worst of is is when I really, really needed help with something and he just was indifferent, if he heard me at all.  This isn't going to be easy to say, but I will for clarity here... at one point I was getting a bad headache with nausea which told me I needed to eat something.  I'd had a small container of yogurt and a banana (had to force the yogurt down because I felt full after a couple of bites), but it had been about 10 hours since I'd eaten when the sick filling came over me.  I asked T to please bring me something, anything, a banana... whatever... just to stave off the nausea and headache.  He was too busy, he said.  It was about an hour later when I finally ate something, and I had to eat it sitting on the side of the bed because I didn't have the strength to make it to the dining room.  I spent a few days, up until yesterday, having to take whatever food I could get down in the bedroom where I'm sleeping due to T's snoring.  Can't sleep at all in the same room with him.  Anyway....

In the hour it took to get a banana to eat I laid in bed contemplating what I was going through and wondering what it would be like if I became seriously ill and had to rely on him to take care of me until I recovered.  It didn't take long before I was consumed with homesickness, a longing for my simple life in my little apartment in Mobile.  This isn't the first time I'd had this feeling, btw, but this was by far the most intense.

I learned that I have to find a way to disconnect from my situation while still IN my situation.  I've done it before, but I was a LOT healthier then.  How do I do this?  That's the million dollar question, isn't it?

Screams behind the silence.

Be proper.  Be respectful.  Don't say anything.  Allow it to hurt.  Walk away.  Seek solace within.  Shut out the world.  Be careful.  Bury it deep within.  Try and forget.  Sedation in sleep.  Don't talk.  Don't FEEL anything and it won't hurt.

No matter what I tell myself the truth behind the feelings won't give me respite.  I've refused to allow myself the freedom of addressing what "I" need in the past and felt the sting of days and weeks and years lost, years where I was put on pause and left to wither inside.  Right now I can't say I'm doing well in that department again.  This time... I feel myself, who I am, once again collapsing beneath it all.

I try to remain as silent as possible, as still as I can bring myself to be.  That silence, though no one understands, is louder than anything they could actually handle.

WTF kind of life is this anyway?  None.  None at all.

The Similarities of Day to Day Life.

Or shall we call it "A life of perpetual sameness"?  Either way, I'm going to make damn sure I change this.  I have to.

I've posted enough here for you guys to know where I am at the moment.  Dealing with communication and respect issues from T, issues that make themselves known every day and every night without fail.  You also know by now that my tolerance for this is extremely thin, verging on non-existent.  Notwithstanding innocent goof and human blunders, somewhere in the chaos one has to actually SEE the damage being done.  "I" see the damage because I'm a recipient of most of it, but T sits quietly on the river "Denial" and refuses to move.  Ok.  Whatever.

He doesn't like my bluntness and doesn't want me to say aloud the truth that threatens not only to completely destroy this relationship, but the truth that's destroying my peace of mind, health, and happiness.  He's in blissful ignorance, so I don't have any choice other than to say exactly what's on my mind.

When I'm trying to open a discussion, when I need to point out behaviors in someone that TRULY need addressing, I use non-combative phrases.  I speak of how I feel, what the harmful behavior is, but I don't point fingers, name-call, label, etc., because that approach causes damage as well.  I know how to communicate, as long as people allow me to communicate.

Repeatedly disrespecting me is a huge deal and would be for pretty much anyone.  Not allowing anyone to disrespect me was a lesson only recently learned, so I'm still a little awkward with it and finding my balance and strength when approaching the subject.  I'm getting there.  Now, in the process I've become fairly blunt when I've taken all I can, and all PC is out the window.  I speak my mind now while doing my best to preserve the other person's (in this case T) self-esteem.  I've no interest in becoming what I most despise so won't allow myself to go there.

T believes that when I point out what he does that hurts, offends, and disrespects me.. that it's a form of disrespect and that I shouldn't say anything at all.  But I assure you, that approach NEVER works and is, in fact, quite harmful to relationships and the individuals.  If I shove down my feelings, ignore the disrespect, and take the punches in silence... I will eventually resent that person, and that person right now is T.  No matter how I try to explain this--he doesn't get it and shows no indication of trying to understand or stop the disrespectful behavior.

Again, as I've said many times before, I'm not trying to make T out as a bad guy or to demonize him. He's NOT a bad guy--he's just blind to the things he does and doesn't do that greatly and adversely affect me in so many ways.  I hang in there for the obvious reasons, and I do so because I hold hope very close, hope that he'll see what he's doing so it can be stopped.

I may be a bit foolish for relying on hope this way given my past experiences and hope-filled failures.  But there's no reason NOT to hope.  In fact, hope is the great buffer of all things, isn't it?  Life tends to slip apart when hope is lost.

Damage control: There's been a lot of this with most being unsuccessful.  And I'm no stranger to damage control given past relationships that left me holding the weight of fixing everything.  One person CANNOT fix a relationship, nor can one person break it.  If a relationship is going bad, guaranteed there are TWO people at fault, even if it's the behavior of one and the acceptance of that behavior by the other.  It takes two people to break a relationship and two to repair it; an absolute truth.

Sometimes there are victims, yes, but 'most' victims are willing.  Meaning, when you have a way out of a bad situation and don't get on board with preparing things, and if you stay and suffer the damaging consequences.. then you've willingly participated in that damage.

As for me, I was a willing victim.  I played the martyr in love more times than I like to admit.  My role in a past relationship which did a LOT of damage to my self-esteem, body, etc. I take full responsibility for.  I remained in a bad situation, and though I believed that he and I could fix things I refused to see and acknowledge (for far too long) that the weight of that burden was planted fully on me.  I should've left at the first sign of serious problems.

I should have bailed when the relationship began changing the way I saw myself, how I thought of myself, when it began to depress me and fill my entire world with anxiety.  I should have been my own best friend and stood up for ME.  Instead, I did everything I possibly could to change into the distorted version he wished me to become.  It doesn't take a genius to understand that my acceptance of abuses, be they emotional or physical, would nearly destroy me as a person; I get it NOW, but I didn't get it THEN, not until it was too late and the damage was done.

I had to forgive myself more than the other person, because it was ME who let myself down.  I didn't have my own back, and I allowed everything till nearly the end.  It wasn't until I had a TIA and ended up in the hospital (very shortly after the last blow up) did I realize to what degree I'd been beaten up inside and how it had shattered me.

In the hospital the doctors asked about my level of stress, had I been dealing with major life changes such as a death in the family, financial hardship, and/or a breakup.  That was the first time the lightbulb went on and I began to introspect as I lay in that hospital bed with nothing but the hum of the heater to interfere with what came to me.  The realization was harsh, brazen, and shattering in its truth.  I had to get out of the relationship; I had to let go; and I had to do it to save my life.

This wasn't a comfortable awareness when it came blazing out of the deep recesses in which unpleasant things go to smolder.  But there was nothing I could do, really, but allow it into the light and face what it was, what I'd always known but refused to acknowledge.

So the burning question for most people at this point, after hearing/reading about my experience, the question everyone I knew at the time had is: Why the hell did I stay so long?  I stayed because I was in love with him.  Isn't that why any of us stay in bad or toxic relationships, because of our feelings and our sometimes misguided hopes that he/she will change?

I wouldn't find out until much later, until it was far too late and the damage was taking over my life and destroying happiness, that the person I fell in love with didn't really exist.  If you've read my blogs for a while you've heard me say this, and that's because the realization that I fell in love with a lie is profound and one I struggle with today for obvious reasons: You can't say goodbye to someone who doesn't exist.

The mask slipped and I discovered the truth beneath.

To this day everything about me struggles to reconcile who I thought I loved with who I was actually dealing with.

I believe that this problem of irreconcilable truths, for me, is fanning the flames of what's happening in the current relationship.  While I knew this was a possibility there wasn't any reasonable way to prepare for the experience itself.  On one hand being protective is necessary, but on the other hand.. always being poised in defense isn't a good idea either.

This emotional struggle could end with closure; something I will never have.  I can't say goodbye to someone who never existed, now can I?

Yeah... and therein lies the biggest problem of all.  This fight, this struggle permeates day to day life.  T's disrespect, whether purposeful or accidental permeates day to day life.  Health problems worsen and take over day to day life.  There seems to be no end to this....

---O---M---G---!

My goal was to try and feel better today, to recover or otherwise heal the invisible sucking black hole that seeps every ounce of energy I have.  My goal was very simple, and in most cases easily obtained by not having stress, by not having anxiety, and by not having to deal with begging or pleading my case to get help with something important.

The 'something' at this point isn't even relevant, because T is a repeat offender when it comes to the pushback, etc. that comes with trying to keep up with my health.  I've no one else in which to ask for help.  No one at all.  I'm exhausted, spent, and hollow inside.  Vibrance exited my life, not with illness, but with the lack of a support network.  Not a soul in my life in which to have a heartfelt discussion about any of this.

An hour into writing this T decided to pick a fight with me.  I'm not in a place to fight, argue, and have no desire to continue to do so.  At the moment, in this half-alive and spent existence, all I want right now is to have peace, tranquility, happiness, joy, and the kind of hope that brings possibility into being.

At the moment.... where I was once just irritated, I'm just empty.  Where in all of this is any sign of life?  I literally feel like a ghost walking the earth.

Where are all the gentlemen in the world, the full-formed males as it were?  Where is the guy that can look at a situation and see something in need of repair, correction, instead of just seeing something to complain about?  It took me at least a year to realize how much was going to be left up to me to carry this relationship.  I'm just not up to it, whether anyone likes it or not.  It's a no-can-do for me.  Plug-in or get out.

I did know a couple of guys who fit the description of "Gentleman" here in my time here on planet earth.  One of them I knew I couldn't be in a relationship with because I didn't feel anything 'romantic' for him.  I saw him as a dear friend, but that's about it.  The other is another story, but one meant for another time, another post.  But the art of being a gentleman is surely all but dead.  Few men respect women these days.

I believe taking a couple of years to tell someone that X, Y, and Z are harmful to me, pointing out behaviors that could be EASILY changed, most often without much effort, that could take a tremendous amount of stress off me and improve both our lives.  Not even things terribly complex, but things nonetheless that are so numerous as to when they occur to be a major problem.

It's time to crawl in bed, cover up, put the headphones on and listen to music---my most favorite escape these days.  I have no other coping mechanism and can handle only so much for so long.  It's hollowed me out completely.

I don't trust T anymore.  It's not about cheating, because he's not that type.  But it is about his constantly, and on a daily basis, habit of breaking his word, then trying to twist things back around on me when he fails to keep his word.  I'm not going to bear his cross as I have my own to carry.

It's been a shitty day for sure.  It's time I make today disappear into music and dreams.  Tomorrow means I will be alone, and that my friends... is a good thing.  In the meantime I will try and find another reason for getting out of bed.

Where have all the gentleman gone?...

Respect Revisited.

It's one of the single most important traits a person can have; the ability to extend TRUE respect to another human being.  It's a taught skill, one that is vital to getting along with others on this planet.  Yes, those "duh" statements seem redundant because everyone is supposed to understand, and yet what I find these days is that most people have either discarded respect, or were never taught it to begin with.  Either way, gone are the days when I allow myself to be disrespected by others.

This topic is one I revisit when relevant.  I'm living in a situation where disrespect has become the order of the day from T.  I've talked to him, explained, begged and pleaded for him to SEE and UNDERSTAND what he does and how it affects me.  He says he gets it yet returns to the disrespectful pattern of behavior almost immediately.

Disrespect changes how I feel about people.  Abuse, mental and physical change how I feel about people.  Meaning, if you're going to disrespect and/or abuse me you will cease to be someone I want to be around, someone I admire, someone I love.  I'm not including family in this because that's a whole other situation.  If my sons disrespected me, which they don't, I would still love and admire them.  When it comes to relationships---sorry, disrespect and abuse, hatefulness and meanness simply don't cut it for me.  Eventually your abuses, disrespect, etc... will reveal you for who you are, and I will ultimately fall out of love with you.

T isn't abusive, but he is disrespectful.  If he says something mean or hurtful he usually apologizes and means it.  But apologies for the indifference, disrespect, etc... fall on deaf ears and leave me cold inside.  He's really killing my feelings for him--and yes, he knows this.

My past history, as you guys know, have been fraught with abuses and disrespect.  I endured a lot for the sake of what I thought was love.  The confusion of someone being hateful and abusive to me while claiming to love me has taught me much, and it's also left me with many questions yet to be answered.  I've been lucky in that there've only been a couple of relationships that have left me questioning what romantic love is.  And I say 'romantic love' because, again, that's a very different thing than love for family or friends.

My past colors my present.  It is what it is and in many ways this has left me at a crossroads of what I want and need, and what I have.  I don't really have a definition of love anymore outside of my faith.  Romantic love is fragile, and most of the time it's temporary.  Whether someone falls out of love and moves on, or whether that love deepens into something more deep, stable, and abiding remains to be seen in the early days of the relationship.  And that deep, abiding love is the stuff that keeps people together and happy for many, many years.  Not that it guarantees a perfect relationship or perfect life or perpetual bliss--it absolutely doesn't.  But that kind of love is what makes getting past the hard parts possible.

That kind of love is what makes getting past the hard parts possible.

I don't know why people tend to go into relationships EXPECTING so much without any wiggle room.  Destined to fail, those relationships put under that amount of stress and pressure will ultimately fail.  It's been proven.  So why do people do this if it's going to only end in chaos and separation?  The quick answer: Not all people do this.

Control freaks are those who ultimately end up destroying a relationship.  And by that I mean those who have an incessant need to control EVERYTHING about the relationship AND the person they're with.  If someone is trying to change everything about you, that relationship you have with them will eventually end, because it will become too hurtful, too harmful to you to stay in.  And it's unhealthy to stay in relationships like that.

Then you have someone like me who's had an emotionally-abusive childhood, who didn't have the benefit of a healthy, plugged-in mom, or a father around for any part of development.  I didn't have the best teacher as to what to pick in terms of a partner.  A boyfriend, a husband... doesn't matter.  My choices have been mostly bad.  Mostly.

I'm going to have to finish this at a later date.  I'm feeling very sick today and can't continue to sit at the computer....

To be continued....

When Past Experiences Fade.

What I've found is that our past really does change us.  It doesn't change WHO we are, per se, but it certainly changes how we think and how we approach familiar, yet uncomfortable, situations in the future.  Once the damage is done it's done.  We can seek counseling, religion, friends or family to aid in the healing process, but we can't change the scars that remain once the healing is complete.  And this is IF the healing is complete.  Some of us never quite reach that level of healing, unfortunately.

I'm not going to say I'll never heal from my past unfortunate experiences, and I totally accept the fact that the scars are there for a reason; We can't wish or hope or anger them away.  And why would we?

For me, the damage left by awful experiences of past relationships aren't always apparent or noticeable.  With each day's accomplishments and trials the past may be readily in focus or blurred beyond recognition.  My mind only calls up what it needs, or what it believes is relevant.  Is it always actually relevant?  Of course not, so it's up to me to determine what's what and act accordingly.  For example, being disrespected usually brings past experiences readily to the forefront.  It is what it is.  And during those times when the ugly parts of the past fades... I don't question the opacity of the lens I'm viewing through but accept the gift and move through my day.

The past doesn't always color my world, and I'll take the blurry days over the stark reality of the scars left from an emotionally-violent past.  Today is one of those blurry days, and I'm grateful for that little gift.  But it doesn't mean I've forgotten.  There isn't any way I can forget.

I remember because of the scars.  I remember because I'm not lost on the value of the lesson.  I remember because those memories, painful as they are, keep me in-check much like the painful burn of a flame that makes us pull back before too much harm is done.  I remember because I'm supposed to.

The sum of me, all the parts that make up the whole, is only whole when I'm aware.  I can't bury or ignore those dark experiences that hurt and changed me no more than I can bury or ignore those great experiences that made my spirit soar to amazing heights, that inspired me.  Acceptance is healing, and it's a place I can thrive in.

It's time for me to sign off.  I'm cold, tired, and it's time to just heal a little while.....

What Will it Take?

The daily battle of ripping myself out of the 'homesick' feelings is exhausting.  It's not like every waking minute is filled with dreams of how life was a couple of years ago when I lived in Mobile, when it was just myself and my pets.  And don't for a minute think that was a lonely life.  I mean, sure, it was a little lonely at times, but it was peaceful having only myself to contend with and not another soul to judge, make me feel bad, make me question myself, and the only sources of stress and anxiety were actual NORMAL stressors that most people have to deal with.  Life--was just simpler then.

I don't for a minute regret this life I'm in now.  Well, maybe I have a couple of times.  But I know that there are good things that came from my choices to be with T, to live HERE instead of where I really consider 'home' (Mobile, AL).  I get where I was and where I am and how I got here.  I feel the appreciation for the things that make life better.  I also understand what it is about this life that really isn't at all good for me.  In fact, I'm extremely clear on what's not working for me here.

My hands are tied at the moment by Autoimmune disease(s) and the effects of the medications that are necessary for remission.  There's a reason I'm here, right now, exactly where I am and under what circumstances.  Though I don't pretend to understand it all, I know that whatever my purpose is here is somehow necessary.  It's the only thing I can say on that matter.  In the great scheme of things, as the situation is what it is, a very cautious part of me is watching how much stress my body and spirit can handle and looking for signs that things need to change, and change immediately.  No reason to be blind, because it could cost me everything.  And I mean everything.

When I look at my surroundings now I'm not sure how I feel.  I like the house, the location, and the view is spectacular.  But the biggest influence in my surroundings is T, and he's chronically unplugged, indifferent, and rarely can see, hear, interact or connect with anything outside of his own skin.  That's a big problem for me.  I'm down to disconnecting entirely so I have the freedom to take care of myself above and beyond him.  He's healthy and grown and fully capable of taking care of himself.  He's off in his own world most of the time anyway.

I'm going to have to call it quits here for now.  My body is urging me to step away from the computer,  that it's past time to stop and rest.  Oh, but I've learned the hard way that ignoring those signals is a VERY bad idea.

the invisibility of being.

Throughout my life I've been pretty thin-skinned, listening to others tell me what I should/shouldn't be, what and how I should think, do, say, dream... developed into an art form for me that damn near reached "Spidey Power" status.  No, seriously.  I would take and wear whatever anyone projected upon me like a shiny pair of Jimmy Choo's.  And trust me when I say that two-sizes too small absolutely made a difference in how I felt and carried myself through life.

Barefoot is better.  Know what happens when you go barefoot the majority of the time?  The soles of your feet get pretty damn tough.  Having grown up poor I had only one pair of shoes (cheap) at a time and wasn't really allowed to wear them outside if I were just playing in the yard, etc.  They had to last until my mom decided we could afford more.  I think I had the toughest feet of anyone I've ever known because of this.  The only thing that really hurt me was if I stepped on glass (which I did a few times, once landing me in the ER to have the glass removed), and when that California asphalt and concrete got hot enough to fry an egg on.  Even so, over time walking barefoot didn't bother me one single bit.

But what about the INSIDE?  Oh, but that was a whole different story altogether.  I couldn't walk my way through through the pain to being 'thick-skinned' and pretty much felt the weight of anything and everything that was said to me.  Criticism became truth, a 'reality' handed to me that I willingly took.  My childhood experiences weren't filled with encouragement or praise nor even helpful criticism.  Indifference and criticism, and many times complete withdrawal of love and affection were the tools used to shape the person I would become.

I was to become the child who survived.

In adulthood, that small child I once was is alive, and though not well, that part of me is AWARE.  There is still a disconnection of who 'that little girl' was and who I am now, and I still see photos of when I was little and feel such pity for 'that little girl.'  Yes, I know it's me, of course.  But the disconnection is still there just the same.  I want SO much to apologize to her and say "I'm sorry I didn't protect you!"

I've accepted this disconnection as a part of who I am, but I don't like it one single bit.  C'est la vie.

I remain thin-skinned, but my reaction to criticism, disrespect, and so forth is very different now.  I've allowed history to repeat itself in relationships I've had, and the reality of this has unprecedented tenure, so it would seem.  It will be with me the rest of my life.  Okay.  I'll just have to work around that when possible, right?

So here I am all grown up and stuff.  I can make decisions, change my mind, and walk away from anyone or anything that threatens my happiness; such are the benefits of being an adult.  Right?  Well, not exactly.  At least not for me.  That subconscious, that inner child, the child I actually WAS at one time so long ago, well.. she has a mind of her own and remembers the pain, the isolation, the indifference, the coldness, the invisibility of being... well, me.

Such memories carry over for the long-haul and map the course of life in often undesirable ways.  But it doesn't always have to be like that.  I can do more to help myself in that respect.  And I do.

On bad days, of which I have far too many these days, that inner child is the one who suffers most.  Sure, I feel the physical pain, and I feel the isolation of my situation and all it invokes (depression, anxiety, etc).  But it's what happens INSIDE that changes my world, my life.  All I can do is anesthetize myself with too much coffee, reading, and way too much television.  My physical body simply refuses to allow much more these days.  That's okay, because eventually the AIH and the 'possible' Myositis, both autoimmune, is driving the bus now, and not even my inner child can rebel against that and affect change.

Sitting here in the quiet, drinking coffee, talking about things I've not talked with a single other human being about...well, but for one therapist for a very short time, I can definitely say I recognize my life as it was, and as it still is; The invisibility of being... me.

Finding Me

I'm not lost.  I'm not invisible, though I FEEL that way most of the time.  I know who I am, for the most part.  I can look at my life objectively and see where I've gone terribly wrong.  I have a sense now of protecting my health, my sanity, my life, and I won't allow anyone to derail that.  I've come a very, very long way.

I have a purpose just like any other, and a couple of relationship experiences has taught me that I can't lose sight of the fact that I don't need anyone else telling me I'm worthwhile.  Selfish people will spend a LOT of time telling you you're not worthwhile, not worth their time, effort, love.  And why do we allow this?  The answer to that is different for every person, but the one thing that we all have in common is the TYPE person we chose to bring into our lives.

I'm right here, right now, alive and feeling; I've always been here.  Though a couple of people I had in my life tried frantically to diminish who and what I am, and they nearly succeeded, they FAILED.  I know this because I was able to finally walk away from the situation and felt that terrible, heavy weight lift as I did so.  Even in the absence of real closure I know I saved myself by steering clear.

This situation I'm in now with my health is a big uncertainty in my life and I have to accept that.  I have no idea, going forward, what to expect and have to take things one day at a time, literally.  What little energy I have can't be spent on yet another person who doesn't have my best interests at heart or in mind.  Now, on the surface that may sound selfish, but since my health and life are at stake.. I can't leave anything to chance, nor can I just pour my life and future into someone else the way I had in the past.  There's nothing selfish about taking care of myself, and it's taken me a couple of years to actually believe this.

I don't care if anyone thinks I'm selfish right now.  I do all I can for others as much as my energy and health will allow.  The people who love me understand.  And the people, past and present, who don't love me don't understand at all and stand in judgment.  Thankfully, the numbers in that particular group are ridiculously small.

This is not the time for me to turn my focus away from the very real AI disease(s) I'm dealing with.  Both the one confirmed and the one yet-to-be-confirmed are very serious and require life-long treatment.  No one has given me a prognosis, because there's really no way to at this point.  No one can guarantee me anything, and what they're left with is telling me the possibilities as far as what my life expectancy is WITH and WITHOUT treatment.  I've started treatment, as you guys know.  I've begun that journey, but it's going a lot slower than anticipated.  Still, my odds with treatment are far better than without.  Even knowing THAT I'm given NO guarantees of what will be a year from now, 5 years from now, or even next month.

All I can do is take very good care of myself and avoid stress and anxiety.  And herein lies the biggest problem--my life with T, my past that haunts me... all bring stress and anxiety in like a flood.  Not 24/7.. but enough to make each day just one more opportunity to work my way past that.

Finding myself sounds so damn cliche, and so much so that I cringe just thinking those words.  But it's something I can't ignore.  I'm here, but I don't recognize the person in the mirror, the sick person with the dark circles under the eyes, etc.  It's okay, though.  I know and understand the drill.  That sick person in the mirror needs TLC, patience, understanding, and love.  I'm really pretty much the only one that can provide that.  It's still me in there, looking back...


It's still me in there looking back....

Not Now!

Yesterday was really hard.  Whether it be from the big jump in Azathioprine dosage, the actual AI issues I'm dealing with still, or a combination of that and more, the result is finding myself in bed by about 5pm.  The nausea, the lower back pain when I stand and walk, the weak and achy limbs, and the absolute NEED for peace, comfort, calm... these are the things that made up the entirety of my day yesterday.  I still tried to post in my blogs, but I have to admit I had a very difficult time in doing so.  A VERY difficult time.

Coffee has been the driving force to what all I do on any given day, and many times (like yesterday) it wasn't of much use.  Tastes good, though!  It's one of my few indulgences.  Still, I really wish I didn't have to use caffein to make it through the first half of my day.

I'm having some trouble organizing my thoughts today, so bear with me...

In the midst of the health issues T still fails to recognize the importance of avoiding conflict.  He knows, and only because I've told him, that just being on the prednisone alone lowers my tolerance for stress.  Prednisone suppresses the immune system, and it also suppresses cortisol... the anti-stress hormone.  Yes, the Pred is on board, but both adrenalin and cortisol can't swoop in and save the day now.  What this leaves me with is having to deal directly with the anxiety and stress brought about by, well, to be blunt... absolutely stupid crap.  I'm sorry, but I'm all for picking one's battles, something T doesn't and won't do with any care or forethought.

Not paying attention when I say something, tuning me out, etc... forces me to constantly repeat myself.  It's tiresome, and it drains me to have to do this.  I've taken to just saying "Nevermind" in response most of the time, because it really just isn't worth it to have to constantly repeat things.

Knowing what I face every day does little to help me feel better, positive, upbeat, and hopeful.  I know that the Battle-To-Be-Heard is a daily one, and one that tears me down on a day basis.  I often wonder which is worse--dealing with a narcissist, or dealing with someone who, for all practical purposes, just isn't present most of the time.  I don't think either is a good choice, at least not for me.

The only thing I can do now is minimize my exposure to those situations, the ones where I'm not heard, where IMPORTANT information is forgotten, where I drag myself through most conversations because the other person isn't plugged-in.  I have only one real defense in this case... and that's just to say... "Not now!"

"Not now!"

It will have to do...

A Few Precious Minutes to Myself

People sometimes want what they don't have, covet what they will never have, and forget to appreciate the important things they're almost guaranteed.  Why does this happen?  I can't speak for everyone and won't try to, but I do know ALL of us fall prey to this.  And if you're one of the few who think you don't.. I would suggest taking a few steps back and looking good and long at your life, because you may just be missing out in ways you never even realized.

We get too close to see the big picture.

It's not like I can't admit to over-scrutinizing my life and everything in it.  It's where I am at the moment, always in that mode of trying to figure things out and understand.  The whole understanding this is part of who I am, and yes... I can over-think things because of this.  It's okay, though, because eventually I discard the deadwood information I glean from digging in too deep.  It's a bit like cleaning house.  Seriously, if you look too closely for dust.. you're going to find it.  Yeah, you know what I mean.

I spend my insomniac nights over-thinking in order to try and solve problems.  It doesn't work.  I know it doesn't work.  But I do it anyway.  And I shouldn't, really, because it just makes me freaking tired.  Okay, so where am I going with this?....

Alone time.  Me time.  Just time to myself to sort through the muddle that's my life right now has become as important as sleep, as breathing.. because I'm finding that in that space, while I can actually take a breath and breathe, think, and allow the quiet outside to seep in a bit, I feel better.  No really, I just feel better in that state.  Maybe it's the whole needing to hang on to my independence thing, not sure.  But it doesn't matter the why as much as it matters what good it does to my soul, my spirit, my being..to simply have the time to take to regroup and heal inside and out.  It's hard to explain that last part, so I'm not going to try.  Many of you may already understand what I mean.

This morning, on a Saturday, I'm able to take time to just drink coffee, read a bit online, listen to the absolute quiet.  I hear the heater running, a ticking clock in the breakfast nook, the wind when it rushes through the big trees outside.  I hear all of this and know it's all about 'the still.'

I'm appreciative for these rare and precious moments when I have less pain, when the depression isn't taking hold, when I can sit and drink coffee and just... be... me.  Life will return shortly, and everything will change.  I'm hoping that this weekend will be peaceful and not filled with my chasing life while it dashes and darts away just out of reach.

In the meantime, as I sit here in the quiet, my past history visits.  This time, however, I'm not shaken by any of it and can simply look at what was and see it as.. 'what was.'

I'm not controlled by anyone anymore, and that gives me peace.

I don't have to use every single ounce of my energy trying to please another person, and that gives me peace.

I don't have to meet anyone's demands, and that gives me peace.

I can say "NO" to that which harms me, including people, and that gives me peace.

I don't need anyone to tell me I'm okay, or loved, or liked, etc, and that gives me peace.

I can take care of myself without guilt, and that gives me peace.

I don't have to ask permission for anything, and that gives me peace.

I can listen to my instincts and follow them, and that gives me peace.

My know my choices are mine, and that gives me peace.

I have found my voice, and that gives me peace.

I can speak my mind, my truth, out loud, and that gives me peace.

I don't have to explain myself unless I choose to, and that gives me peace.

I don't have to cater to another, and that gives me peace.

I choose to not be bullied, and that gives me peace.

I can stand up for myself without guilt, and that gives me peace.

I don't have to listen, take, or act on advice I know isn't good for me, and that gives me peace.

There is a long list of things that give me peace, and while my life isn't perfect (and NO ONE'S ever will be, including mine) it's still MY LIFE.  MY life.  So in this imperfection of life I know things won't always be rainbows and sunshine and butterflies (well, maybe butterflies).  I accept the reality of reality and can choose to live accordingly.  I can make these choices because I broke free from a relationship that sought to destroy all I am.  While I didn't come out of the station unscathed, I walked away with enough of myself to know I'm healing JUST by making that exit.  I walked right out of the dark and into life.

In the still I can sometimes see better, think more clearly, and take an inventory of what should be kept and what should be discarded or changed.  This isn't a bad thing, btw.  I realize what I need to work on.  I'm aware of those things that I need to change.

I'm not going to be anything but myself.  Gone are the days when I try to reinvent myself for another person.  And trust me, the whole 'reinventing' oneself thing isn't a bad thing as along as we remember to still be ourselves while making those changes.  Trying to be anything or anyone else is a total recipe for disaster.  I tried it to suit another and am still paying the price for that huge mistake.

Don't ever let anyone tell you to change who you are.  Take it from me, someone who's tried that, it will only wreck you.  The only thing you really need to remember when someone is trying to change you, insisting you change, is how that demand makes you FEEL.  If it feels wrong, it is.  Self-doubt isn't good either, and anyone who instills doubt within you by their words, their actions, their demands are simply trying to make THEIR life better while destroying yours.  Appreciate the person you are.

Appreciate the person you are.  This means, appreciate everything about you, the good, the bad, the kooky, whatever it is that's inherently you, appreciate it all.  Change those things that YOU see needs changing.  Listen to input from those who actually love you and hold your best interests in mind when they speak.

One more cup of coffee...