Revelations Post-Consumption....

NOTE:  I apologize if the audio isn't quite up to par, and I'm looking into a decent mic to cut down on the static heard.

"Post-Consumption" and what I mean by that.  AFTER a malignant narcissist chews you up and spits you out (narcissistic supply).  Plainly, put.

Narcissist Much?

Narcissists.  I've not talked about this subject in some time.  The unfortunate truth is that I still struggle to get past the damage that was done and find it interfering even to this day with day to day life.  I had a good head start in the right direction with a therapist who helped me identify with what I was dealing with in a relationship, but that head start was only just that.  Sadly, the past is catching up to me as I feel myself and my life slowing due to illness.  I can no longer emotionally run or sprint to stay ahead of what still lurks behind in my past.

I won't go into the whole narcissist explanation again, and frankly I'm not well enough to deal with revisiting my experiences.  There are tons of articles and videos about the subject if you need more information.  Not that I won't visit or talk about this topic again, because I will.  Just not right now, not today.

My point here today is to warn anyone in a relationship with a narcissist that if they don't get out soon.. the effects of the experiences will be with you and possibly forever.  Your time and life, who you are as a person is precious and more fragile than you'd ever realize without that smack up side your head.  Not all needs that smack, but... I certainly did, and I regret very much NEEDING that to make me do the right thing and protect myself, to admit that I'm worth protecting.

As much as I avoid it I sometimes look back and feel such regret that I allowed myself to be emotionally beaten to a pulp.  Some may say I shouldn't 'go there,' that I shouldn't revisit such experiences, but to that I would have to say---it's important that I don't forget.  Whatever compelled me to abandon myself that way, the HORRIBLE self-esteem created by a strange childhood life experiences left me more vulnerable than I could've imagined.  My vulnerability to certain emotionally dangerous elements did a tremendous amount of damage, leaving me to accept, NEEDING to accept the fact that I was completely unprepared to defend myself.

My health began to go downhill at the very start of my experience.  Dealing with the insidious nature of another's narcissistic personality was draining, frightening, confusing, bewildering, and it left me absolutely questioning who I am.  That weakened state took hold, and fed by chronic stress and anxiety grew and eroded my health.  It's almost impossible to turn this off once it takes hold and takes control over you.  Just don't let it happen.  I wish I hadn't.

Even today I have to fight with the damage the experience left inside, the razor-sharp doubt that cuts strategically away at my happiness and health.  Many times I'm successful with shoving it all into the bowels of my subconscious.... but it's there, always there, always watching and waiting for me to let my guard down.

The message is to myself and to you.  If you deal with it now or have in the past... love yourself more than you loved that other person.  Love yourself more than you fear that other person.  Love yourself enough to get out and get help, because there's nothing more important than protecting yourself and your health.

I'm hurting too much to keep typing, so.... if you're curious or unsure if you're dealing with or living with a narcissist... don't assume you think you can recognize it even if your face to face with it.  Read about it, and watch the numerous videos out there about this subject.

One suggestion: Read about and watch videos regarding "Gaslighting," and if you recognize it as something being done to you---get out fast!

Waning Patience.

Patience used to be one of my strong points, though that doesn't mean that under certain circumstances that I didn't have my patience tested, sometimes to the extreme.  And it's okay to lose one's patience now and then, because shoving emotions down only makes for a more emotional outcome/reaction later on.  I'm all about being honest with emotions, not burying them so they rise later as a twisted, overblown version of themselves.

But what happens when you're with someone who either beats you down emotionally (or physically as in some cases) for feeling, expressing or sharing those feelings?  After a time one of two things will happen: Either you will suppress your feelings to a self-damaging degree, or you will become very reactive as the bruises are poked and prodded on a regular basis.  And that's putting it mildly.

Long ago, as a child, I learned to not express anger.  Kids are taught, as we all know, that losing your temper or expressing anger isn't a good thing.  Well, for the most part this is true.  We have to learn to express our feelings in a controlled manner when possible.  Some situations do warrant not holding everything back.  However, when people teach children to NOT express anger there is a very real possibility, a very strong one, that the child will grow up suppressing anger, and many go on to suppressing most, if not all, emotions/feelings.  This is a disaster in the making.

I learned quickly that expressing anger AND sadness was a punishable "crime."  Whether the punishment was shaming, guilting, being sent to my room, grounded, scolded, etc... it didn't matter, because the outcome was always the same---negative feedback.  This did a lot of damage and I'm still trying to get past that damage, to heal and feel whole again.  It's not easy, I'll tell you, and I wish my mom would've had the foresight and intuition to teach me to FEEL while learning healthy ways to EXPRESS those feelings.

With each relationship I got into I became a huge sponge that absorbed everything that was thrown at me.  Every unkind and hateful word, every mean-spirited criticism, every joke about me in which I was always the punch line (a treasured abuse by narcissists, btw), even the stonewalling became something I took on as a part of myself.  No wonder I'm broken.

My relationships became an extension of my experiences with my mom, with almost ALL of them carrying on the hurtful legacy I would carry and eventually be crushed by later in my life.  My choices in men weren't the smartest, and I'm willing to admit that I didn't SEE or recognize what I was doing until just a few years ago.

The relationship I'm in now is more than trying, to put it mildly.  T isn't an 'abuser,' but he's simply, more often than not, just not here.  The blatant absence, even in his presence, is a perfect reflection of yet another favored 'punishment' met out by my mother, the indifference and tuning-out being the most painful of things, damaging in their deliverance and painful as a well-delivered punch, maybe even more so.

My days are brought with not being heard, not listened to, with even the smallest gesture of respect something I rarely receive from this guy who claims to 'love' me.  Communication is a nightmare in which I can never wake it seems.  At nearly batting 100 at this point, T literally hears perhaps the last couple of words in a sentence or phrase, often not even acknowledging that I had spoken.  Repeating myself constantly has become a stress I no longer want to have, so I rarely initiate conversation with him for this reason.

My past is laden with such things, though of a darker and more abusive nature.  While I didn't recognize it at the time my entire being was being eroded in such a way that I would only see the situation for what it was only after my spirit was broken.  Even into this relationship the insidious nature of that erosion of self continues to make itself known and without any hint of what can heal what is still an open wound.  That's okay for now, though, because if I can recognize what's happening I can eventually find a way out, to allow healing even if it's in small, minuscule measures.

I have a confession to make.  This whole 'not being heard' thing has worn me to the bone, leaving my capacity for patience wanting, to say the least.  Yes, Prednisone in my system, and even in its exit from my system brings with it moodiness as it doesn't allow anymore for the cortisol (the anti-stress hormone) to swoop in and save the day.  There is only what is in my system artificially until my adrenal glands wake up and being doing their job at full capacity; the waiting totally sucks, I promise you.

Being within 2 feet of T and not being heard is something I'm not okay with anymore.  I don't have the desire to repeat every sentence or word every day of my life.  I just have no desire or energy for such a thing, and it makes communication enormous work and a frustrating endeavor that I've lost almost all interest in.  I find myself in tears as T is the only person I'm around these days, and the realization that I'm so at his mercy while he HAS no mercy is staggering in its significance when it comes to my life and my health.

This is not a situation all that unfamiliar to me.

I've been down this road before, only the terrain looks a little different.  Being sick, having major health issues arise (such as a TIA, which I had in 2013) and having someone in my life who was indifferent, 'put-out' by my being sick, having my emotions, self-esteem and body pushed beyond any reasonable limit damaged my health--both physical and emotional.  This was on a far, far greater scale than anything I'd ever experienced in my life and mostly due to my not understanding what it was I was dealign with.  I know now, of course, but it's not of any help at the moment.  I'm at T's mercy, totally, so when I try to talk about anything, especially the most important things and am tuned-out to the point where I'm literally talking to myself... I admit... it's brought me to tears over the last week or so.  I'm too weak, to tired, and way too sick to be able to handle this in any healthy fashion.

Yesterday was so incredibly hard.  I spent most of the day in bed, covered up, dealing with a tuned-out T to freezing one moment and overheating the next.  It was just too much at one time, and I didn't handle it well.  I fight to get out of bed every day, to try yet one more time while embracing the hope that today will be the day I feel better and more like myself.  It's all I have.  Yet my day was spent in bed yesterday for the most part because I was unable to find any motivation to even so much as sit upright and watch tv.  There's a lot of details I'm not adding, but I honestly don't have the energy to type much more than I have.

All I know is that history is somewhat repeating itself, and the damage from the past is fusing with the damage from the present, leaving me spent, depressed, and defeated.

It's really all I know right now...

Why Am I Here Again?

T

he question hangs in the air.  On a daily basis I ask myself why I'm 'here,' meaning in this life, in this city, in this place.  WHY am I STILL here.. is the real question.  Oh, I know how I got here; that's not the problem.  And in many ways I know why I'm still here, too.  I mean, I'm not well at all.  Not at all.  And it's not like I have a mom or sister, etc. that I can go move in with.  My siblings are just people I share DNA with.  I have nowhere to go, or I would absolutely go.

In no way do I take pleasure in stating the cold, hard facts about T, and there's nothing enjoyable about living with someone who is SO blatantly disconnected and indifferent, so completely tuned out.  So much disrespect, yes.  But I think, more than anything, that his diminishing what I'm going through is the absolute worst.  I distance myself because that's the only way I can regain my balance and have any peace.  I will continue to distance myself to protect my health.  It's the right thing for me to do.

I'm too weak to go into details right now.  Soon, though... I hope....

"I Forgot"

I hear that phrase a lot these days.  What does it mean, exactly, I'm not sure; but I know how it feels.  Having to rely on someone for ANY reason requires trust, and I mean absolute trust.  Having to rely on someone who's betrayed that trust on a daily basis is a hell I wouldn't wish on a single soul.

I absolutely MUST get better, well, healthy.

It's not like I haven't been here before.  Being sick isn't fun for anyone, and being sick in the presence of someone who lacks compassion, or who FAKES compassion, is stressful, uncomfortable, and more than just a little sad.  I have to say I'm surprised at how many people lack even the minimal amount of compassion required to be 'human.'  Is this really the norm now?  I have to make myself believe it's not the norm, because it it is then human beings are in serious, serious trouble.

There seems to be a limited coffer in which compassion comes in only specific quantities--at least in some people.  And when dipping into the reserve almost appears as a painful event for narcissists.  There are rules as well that must be followed lest you end up on the wrong side of favor with those types.  Timing, whether or not it's convenient (for one to be sick), how long the illness will take to resolve, and if none of the criteria is met then the faux compassion is quickly discarded and the true feelings of resentment and irritation is revealed. Yes, it's been there all along, but that person, that narcissist has grown weary of caring for you.

It's heartbreaking to feel that kind of compassionless ire radiating from someone you love, someone you THOUGHT or THINKS loves you.  It's the worst kind of betrayal, because we all long for unconditional love; something a narcissist is incapable of.  They can play the part, but the script changes dramatically when it comes to the test of time, and it does so every single time.  As for the threshold of said narcissist's limit for compassion, care, love, and selflessness depends on the individual and how much the narcissist is "paid" for their pseudo-love and false devotion.

For me, right now in my current situation, it's a matter of indifference and lack of action that's the real problem.  Half-assing his way through just about everything (except his own personal needs) is a way of life for him.  This was also the case with a past relationship of mine in which half-assing was more like an art form, a 'skill' in which the narcissist patted himself on the back for having such prowess.  Congratulating himself for a lack of feeling, caring, compassion, empathy... while blaming me for his lack of caring.

As things currently stand it's a matter of way too many "I forgot" statements that are more like fingernails dragging down a chalkboard than anything remotely comforting.  Yes, we all forget, some of us forget a lot of things.  But when it comes to the really important matters forgetting isn't well-accepted.

The important matters, while I won't go into details, are serious ones that impact my quality of life and health.  Forgetting isn't even an option to most normal, caring individuals, but in T's case... it's a way of life, something he does, and something he doesn't feel important enough to address.. though he emphatically says so.  I don't buy it, and I don't because you can't put all forgetfulness on a level playing field with every single situation and circumstance.  Forgetting to run a dishwasher, for example, isn't on the same level of importance as forgetting putting the wrong medication in the wrong place when it can risk the person's life.

If there is any compassion inside, any at all, it comes into play without having to invoke it, no matter what.

This is more of a rant than anything.  I'm both disheartened and disappointed at T's behavior.  I have no interest whatsoever in trying to make him understand.  I have far too many other things to focus on, including (but not limited to) new issues that I have to see the doctor for tomorrow morning.  Enough is enough, and I've had enough.  My life has changed drastically, and I'm trying to get it back on track, get healthy, and stress isn't something I need right now.  In fact, on prednisone.. stress is to be avoided at all costs.  Many days this means disappearing into my room/Girl Cave in order to stretch out, listen to music, and shut the entire world away....

..I've had to resort to that withdrawal far too many times these days...

What Will it Take?

The daily battle of ripping myself out of the 'homesick' feelings is exhausting.  It's not like every waking minute is filled with dreams of how life was a couple of years ago when I lived in Mobile, when it was just myself and my pets.  And don't for a minute think that was a lonely life.  I mean, sure, it was a little lonely at times, but it was peaceful having only myself to contend with and not another soul to judge, make me feel bad, make me question myself, and the only sources of stress and anxiety were actual NORMAL stressors that most people have to deal with.  Life--was just simpler then.

I don't for a minute regret this life I'm in now.  Well, maybe I have a couple of times.  But I know that there are good things that came from my choices to be with T, to live HERE instead of where I really consider 'home' (Mobile, AL).  I get where I was and where I am and how I got here.  I feel the appreciation for the things that make life better.  I also understand what it is about this life that really isn't at all good for me.  In fact, I'm extremely clear on what's not working for me here.

My hands are tied at the moment by Autoimmune disease(s) and the effects of the medications that are necessary for remission.  There's a reason I'm here, right now, exactly where I am and under what circumstances.  Though I don't pretend to understand it all, I know that whatever my purpose is here is somehow necessary.  It's the only thing I can say on that matter.  In the great scheme of things, as the situation is what it is, a very cautious part of me is watching how much stress my body and spirit can handle and looking for signs that things need to change, and change immediately.  No reason to be blind, because it could cost me everything.  And I mean everything.

When I look at my surroundings now I'm not sure how I feel.  I like the house, the location, and the view is spectacular.  But the biggest influence in my surroundings is T, and he's chronically unplugged, indifferent, and rarely can see, hear, interact or connect with anything outside of his own skin.  That's a big problem for me.  I'm down to disconnecting entirely so I have the freedom to take care of myself above and beyond him.  He's healthy and grown and fully capable of taking care of himself.  He's off in his own world most of the time anyway.

I'm going to have to call it quits here for now.  My body is urging me to step away from the computer,  that it's past time to stop and rest.  Oh, but I've learned the hard way that ignoring those signals is a VERY bad idea.

Do You Hear Me?

One common theme you guys see here is about 'listening,' you know.. simply NOT tuning someone out when they're talking to you.  Not to say as human beings we can't or aren't ever distracted, or we forget, or whatever the case, because that can and does happen.  What I'm talking about is the chronic habit of just not listening when someone talks.  It's the epitome of rude, of not caring, and shows a blatant absence of empathy and compassion.  This is NOT a good thing, folks.

As more is uncovered with my failing health, as things become more complicated as to the treatments, as my body revolts by making even simple tasks nearly impossible, I find my tolerance for being tuned out and/or not taken seriously has pretty much vanished.  I've hung in there for over a year dealing with this, and I'm just not on board with it anymore.  But you guys know this by now, I'm sure.

One more night of repeating myself, asking questions where the answer was already given, and finding myself in the middle of a energy-draining diatribe where T argues the argument and tries to blame everything on me.  I didn't say it right, didn't speak loud enough, said it at the wrong time, or just wasn't clear enough.  I'm calling BS on all of that, because I can't be anything other than perfectly clear these days.  I'm sick and weak and painful, which doesn't leave me a lot of energy to be creatively-difficult.  Hell no.. I HAVE to cut to the chase, because I don't have enough strength or energy to do anything else.

Why do I bother?  I've been here before and know how it plays out.  Men love to believe they're right, the only ones with answers.  No offense to any guys reading this who aren't cut from the typical cloth.  I know you exist and appreciate you all.  What I'm speaking of here are men who decidedly "Take the path of least resistance" and spin things in their favor.  Hey, if it works for you, congratulations.  But my guess is.. it absolutely doesn't.

Can women be like this?  Sure they can!  But for the sake of argument here, and from my personal standpoint and experience, I've dealt with MEN who do this, which is why that's my focus.

I can't make someone hear me, listen to me, respond to me, or respond or care or give a crap from any standpoint or view.  I can ask.  I can point out the obvious, IF that person is open and not a total asshole.  But I can't make anyone change.  What happens, by default, is that I end up changing the way I communicate with such people, and that usually means... I stop communicating.  It's inevitable, and it's happened before.

Whether the approach is to be a rip-roaring ass or indifferent zombie, the result on MY end is the same.  I don't have any interest in sharing thoughts, dreams, life, whatever with someone who is a jerk in response or barely hears what I'm saying, much less remembers what I'm saying.  Why on earth would I waste so much effort on people who doesn't deserve it?  Rhetorical question, of course.

I'd like to finish my thoughts on this, but unfortunately the jump in dosage of the Azathioprine is kicking my ass.  I will have to finish this another time...

Thanks for your patience, guys....

PART II: Never Mind. Seriously. Just Never Mind.

First let me say this: I'm not demonizing T.  I do love T.  But you have to understand that his behavior is destructive, not only to the relationship, but to me as well.  I've tried to help him understand what his behavior does, how it affects US, and how it affects me.  I haven't pointed out that it affects him as well, because stating the obvious is never going to get the point across.  He has to come to THAT conclusion himself, to figure out for himself how things affect him, etc.  I can't do that, nor can I speak for him or his feelings.  I've asked, and he's shared very little.  His choice entirely.

So at this point, as mentioned in previous entries in my blogs, I have to now focus on myself, my health, and getting strong and healthy again.  My life depends on it, and I'm not willing to give up quality of life in order to make room for T's ego.

How did I get here, and does it make ME self-centered to make myself the center of my own world right now?

Giving so much that you lose yourself is unhealthy, and it WILL empty you at some point where you have nothing left to sustain yourself.  I've given, given, given, accepted, self-blamed, and a plethora of other unhappy endeavors, thoughts and considerations until I really was left feeling completely empty and unhappy.  My attempts to fulfill T's needs without replenishing myself was the worst possible thing I could have done.  But I chose to do it to make him happy.  Over the past couple of years this went on--my giving, giving in, ignoring my own needs and desires, putting all I am to the side in order to make sure HIS world was right.  Now I'm left of what's left of the person I used to be, and trust me when I say I've been here before... it's unhealthy and destructive.

The dialogue began to change when my health began to decline.  Over the course of many doctor visits, tests of every kind, a few diagnosis and procedures... I realized that the person who was sometimes next to me was not only clueless at what was happening to me or how I felt about it all, but it was a CHOICE he made each and every day.  He would spend so much free time on FaceBook, picking away at his phone and reposting memes and articles and so forth that didn't enrich his life, OR our life together.  I observed this over the past two years and wondered, at first, why he didn't spend that much time learning about what I was going through, the sometimes dangerous and necessary procedures I was having, WHY I was having them, and what it meant.  Eventually, I asked him why.  He really didn't have an answer, and to this day still doesn't have an answer.

I had an idea that I would be going through these life events WITH him.  I believed that maybe he possessed even the smallest curiosity about anything I've been and am going through.  I was wrong.  So wrong.

What was the turning point?  When did I recognize the indifference full-force?  That one's easy.  The day I had the fine needle aspirate for a large thyroid nodule found during an ultrasound of my carotid arteries.  When I was told I needed a biopsy I didn't know that I would be going to that appointment alone.  This wouldn't be the first time he did this...

Transjugular liver biopsy was the reality check: Liver biopsies are extremely risky, and doctors have to seriously weigh the benefits against the risk before deciding on this measure.  In my case, not only was a liver biopsy ordered, but I had to have it done via catheter via the jugular vein in my neck so they could assess portal pressures.  Even the radiologist sat down and explained how "Tricky and complicated" this procedure is, then asked me if I had anyone there with me, or if I wanted to call someone to come to the hospital to be there... and that he would wait for them if so.  That's how risky this procedure is.  Where was T?  He dropped me off at the hospital for the procedure and went to work.

He dropped me off for the procedure and went to work.

As I sat in the critical care area waiting for the radiologist to return I looked around at the other patients there, some of which were waiting for their procedures to be done, or was in recovery mode. ALL of them had family and/or friends with them.  I was the only one there by myself.  Even the nurses kept asking me if I had someone there with me.

When the radiologist returned I told him no one would be there and to just go ahead.  He asked me if I had someone to take me home afterwards, and I told him yes.  One word.  Just 'yes.'  It's all I could say.

I was a little sad as I was taken into the surgical suite where they would do the ultrasound-guided procedure.  It was a painful process because I can't take morphine (allergy).  I felt it all and was awake.  Groggy, but awake.  When it was over they took me to recovery.  I called T and told him I was in recovery, and he said to call him when they released me and to meet me where he would be picking me up.  An aide took me downstairs to wait when the time came.  T didn't even bother coming up to walk with me.

This is the part when things begin to shift, when you see that person for the first time, when you look at them and barely recognize who you're looking at.  You wonder who they are and why you're there with them.  That's what I went through.  I wondered who this guy was who was, for the most part, behaving as if he were just some neighbor or something who gave me a ride that day because I had no other way to get to/from the hospital.  Who the hell IS this person? ... that's what I still ask on nearly an every day basis now.

My life became about me when I realized 'me' is all I had.  AIH, the lung issues (COPD), the worsening heart valve problem, the struggle with pain and other unpleasantness that refuses to resolve and stay resolved, all of it is MY struggle.  My struggle to get well; my struggle to cope, find answers, find strength, to continue to make choices based on what's right for my health and life.  In this I discovered that I couldn't continue to put his needs, wants, demands, etc. ahead of my health any longer.  I did that once before in my life and paid dearly with my health.  I'm not willing to do it again because, this time, the stakes are much higher.

I reserve the right to protect my life now.  T made choices as I gave him everything, as I put my own health second, my happiness last, placed my entire well-being on hold.  He made choices that benefitted him and hurt me in the process.  And he continues to do so.  Yes, I've told him.  No, he's not really responded with anything other than to feel sorry for himself.  He refuses to take a step back and LOOK at what he's done, what he's not done, and how it's changed the way I see him, and how I see US.

Been here, done that before.  I know how this works, and I know how guys like him think.  The more he pities himself, the more he refuses to acknowledge what's happened, the further back progress is pushed.  Now there's no progress.  Things aren't better.  And, frankly, I'm just too damn sick to fix it all myself.  It's been tossed in my lap, this stuff, and I'm not up to carrying the load anymore.

So every time I speak and he says "What?"... every time I repeat myself, only to have him retain very little of what I say, each time I'm sitting right next to him and talk.. and he says "What?" or pretends he heard me but didn't... I distance myself from him even more.  It's about protecting myself now, protecting my health, my life.

I absolutely refuse to allow another guy to suck the life right out of me.

Now when he says 'What?' I have only one reply:  "Never mind.  Seriously.  Just never mind."  T's response?... nothing.

So be it.

PART I: Never Mind. Seriously. Just Never Mind.

Where the hell are my headphones?  I need to retreat to a safe place!

Same shit, different day, new perspective on an old and growling beast.  I don't run from the things I have to address, but I also don't face them until I have my crap together either.  So when I find myself continuing to observe T's indifference, the disconnection despite his denial, I begin visualizing a much better life far from 'here.'  I wouldn't be the first woman to have the need from being freed from such damaging bonds.  Crap, but I feel like a caged animal at times.

He doesn't listen, which means I have to repeat 99% of anything and everything I say.  And what he hears, or says he hears, he remembers very little of, even of the most critical and important of things. No, he doesn't have a 'memory' problem--he has a SELECTIVE MEMORY problem.  Like many men, he's afflicted, and he will find himself on the outside FAST.  Well, to be honest, he's pretty much there already and is too damn self-centered and egocentric to notice. smh.  I almost feel sorry for him.

Almost.

So what happens when Mr. Man tunes out?  Well, the beginning part of the process is pretty self-evident, isn't it?  When a woman doesn't feel 'heard' she tends to speak "louder," though that doesn't mean volume-wise.  Ask to be heard.  Demand to be heard.  And then... eventually... doesn't care if 'he' hears or not because, by then, most likely someone else has come along who really is listening.  And before you 'go there' and think we're talking an affair, let me say THIS:  It is a human need to want to be heard, for someone to show they give a shit, and just because you find someone who listens, gives a shit... doesn't mean you're sleeping with them.

When you've wasted time on someone who doesn't bother to listen, hear, or acknowledge.. OR remember anything you say, it's only natural to stop talking to that person.  Funny thing about that, too, because it's always when you've given up, stopped talking, stopped sharing, and begin disconnecting that the other party decides they suddenly notice.  Doesn't usually fix the behavior, and it usually brings on board even more problems because that person suddenly feels 'needy' in the absence of what they once had.

On the flip-side of this is when you're dealing with a narcissist, the one who is constantly needy and making demands, unreasonable demands, while accusing you of not 'being there.'  Oh God, but that is an insane situation when it happens.  Lucky for me, T isn't much of a narcissist, and not a malignant one as I can see, but he's so self-centered that he's pretty incapable of being there for another person.  No joke.  Not kidding in the least.  He's clueless.

In my situation, especially at this point in treatment for the AIH, it would be nice to have someone ACTUALLY present.  Not sort of present, going through the motions of being present, but ACTUALLY PRESENT.  "Wish in one hand..." as my mom used to say.

On my own.  Okay.  Well, if you're not going to be there for me, then get out of my way!  Yes, I've told him this, point-blank.  He just decides that he IS there for me, though there's nothing really in his behavior that makes him 'there' for me.  I can't reconcile this at all.  Neither can he.  He can't explain, then says he 'understands,' which are simply mere words to me.  It's not like we live in separate households and have completely separated lives.  He's here, but he's NOT here.

It would be different, understandable if we lived in separate places entirely.  When you don't live with someone you have to allow them room and time to live their own life, to do what they need to do with regards to just everyday living.  That's just respectful.  But when you're in the same household and you're not there... that's an entirely different scenario altogether because you're supposed to be working together for at least some common goals, there to help one another, etc.

Give me some damn space!  Let me BREATHE, for crying out loud!  Indifference can be quite suffocating.  Has anyone ever noticed this?  Because I certainly have.  It's a lot like being trapped.  It really is.  Nothing looms larger in any room than an absent human being.  Yes, you can quote me on that.  It's how I feel, how I see it, and how I experience it.  "It" being living with someone who is completely unplugged and self-centered.  I feel like I'm suffocating...

There are times I need to talk, REALLY need to talk.  I'm still reeling from this recent diagnosis, and I'm confused and bewildered as to what to do, how to deal with the disease itself, the harsh and necessary treatment protocols, the uncertainty of the future, and I've no one to talk to about this.

Autoimmune Hepatitis is a RARE disease, so there's not a ton of people out there talking about it, sharing their stories, and so on.  There's not a ton of information on it, and even less as how to cope with it.  And here's the clincher... T has NO clue what this disease is about, how it can affect me over the course of my life, prognosis indicators... NOTHING at all.  Why?  Because he's not BOTHERED to learn anything about it.  He's absolutely CLUELESS about AIH.

What am I to think of that?.... heading to PART II to expound... and oh trust me, I feel a vent coming on...

A Comfortable Position

Realistic; it's the new optimistic.  I can't change the facts, but I can change what I accept, what I don't accept, and how I deal with said facts...

Now, we've all heard the phrase.. "I can't change anyone else, but I CAN change ME."  And yes, that's true. But what this phrase doesn't address is how OTHERS can also change us!  In fact, it's the words and behaviors of others that do the most damage, or the most good, and it's often done with little effort on your part as a 'receiver' because while you may be ignoring, making excuses for, or actively doing whatever it takes to protect yourself... those words and behaviors touch your subconscious.  And this often happens in the most insidious of ways.  If you're dealing with someone who is NOT concerned about your best interest, OR you're dealing with a narcissist, then you're going to be in BIG trouble, my friend.  VERY big trouble.

Will I ever really heal?

I can't give an exact timeline, if there actually IS one, but I can keep moving can't I?  Can't I just keep moving like what's wounded is more like a muscle than my entire soul?  Won't this make it better in time, all this moving, shifting, changing?  While I can't answer the questions myself, the fact that I'm asking them means I'm still heading towards healing.  At least that's the way "I" see it.

Does this moving involve pushing down what I know is damage done, or does it mean I simply find a way to navigate around it through the course of my everyday life?  Now this is something I may or may not be able to figure out over time, but my thinking at the moment is that, at least for now, moving definitely means navigating around the damage I know is there, what is hurting.  All this shifting about to find a comfortable 'position' within myself only works for a short time, not much unlike when you've been sitting too long.  It does help for a little while.

Why not sugar-coat what is, put on the rose-colored glasses, numb the pain, the truth... just numb it all?  Because that's just one more tiresome temporary solution.  What I need is a final, definitive cure to the deep wounds within.  Isn't that what anyone wants when they come out of a dark situation?  Of course.  Why not?  We can long for, desire, and obtain (eventually) that which we deserve---freedom from pain and a gain of our self, whole, and undamaged as possible.

The side effects of being with a narcissist are far-reaching, undeniable, and long lasting.  Even out of the relationship they plague everything, poison the good, and pinch the wounds that refuse to heal.  They linger in the very air we breathe at times, even when we're not aware of it.  At least that's how it is with me.  Then suddenly they come crashing through again, ultimately pushing me back to square one for a time.  It's always there.  We don't forget.  "I" don't forget.  I can't forget.  The scars are a part of me now.

I still deal with it because I have to.  Or rather... I don't really DEAL with those side effects; it's more like I ENDURE them.  I mean, isn't that what most of us do until we, well, don't?

Praise Me

It's the sustenance of all narcissists, and without it they will ruin your world.

Giving praise to my narcissist was easy in the beginning because I saw this funny, handsome, romantic guy who said and did all the right things.  I mean, this is how we end up falling in love, isn't it?  We see their personality traits and love what we see and hear, and over time it endears them to us.  I mean, how can it not?  And I'm not talking about what that person says about who WE are, but rather those things that show us who THEY ARE.  HUGE difference.

Anyone who's been with a narcissist knows that they project this image to the outside world, and to US at first, as exceedingly charming, funny, lovely people!  We discover later on, when forced to learn about narcissists, that this is absolutely necessary for their survival, that they NEED that supply of praise and adulation, even worship.  But we also know that when the mask begins to slip we get glimpse of the other thing lurking beneath, the very thing that will end up devouring our lives, our spirits, our health and vitality, our sense of self-worth.

I still have some fond thoughts about my ex, but in keeping them within proper perspective I know those fond feelings are misplaced, misguided, that they're feelings for an IDEAL.  In many ways this discovery left me to withholding real praise for the person I'm with.  I have to actively participate in my own inner-functions, that is to say I have to be extremely mindful that I'm not purposely holding back for fear of things turning out the same as they did with my narcissist.

Oh, I do know better.  But my current relationship isn't without it's issues, some of them serious.  Be that as it may, I'm in perpetual self-preservation mode.  Not surprising what I've gone through.

My finally speaking openly about my experience with a narcissist has helped me tremendously in more ways than I thought possible.  But I've a very long way to go, and I'm not sure I'm willing to let go of those protective inner resources I've obtained along the way.  I'm sure I still need to talk to a therapist to finish dealing with the experience, and in time I will.

You see, in all honesty, I know I won't ever be the same person again.  Not exactly.  I can repair what's broken, but I can't replace what's gone.  And who knows, maybe what I 'think' is 'gone' is actually just tucked away in a safe place inside, waiting for healing.  I can certainly be on board with such a possibility, because it's far better than having to mourn something totally lost.

Praise.  It's not something I received much of in my life, especially growing up, but it was also something I never really needed.  For me, praise wasn't what I needed, but APPROVAL.  I'm completely aware of this, and I'm somewhat okay with that.  And I'm comfortable with GIVING praise to others.  It actually comes easily for me.  But what of the 'demanded praise' required by a narcissist?

Narcissistic Supply; what an absolutely ugly term to use on oneself.  Yet, I had to.  HAVE to.  If I'm not completely honest with myself about this, I'm lost.  So here I am, realizing that for the person I fell head over heals in love with... I was nothing more than that supply to feed his ego, his bottomless need.

When the emotional abuse became too much, praise for him became exceedingly difficult, then eventually... impossible; We all have our breaking points.  When my usefulness had run out, he began to demand praise--to be right, the authority on all I was and should be, or could never be, the walking encyclopedia of absolutely everything, the expert on my life.  Anything other than acceptance and agreement of all his criticisms of me was met with hatefulness, withdrawal of love, stonewalling, more criticism, usually ending in gas lighting to throw me off balance.  This cycle was never-ending after a time, and it hollowed out the vibrant parts of me with all its energy-sapping and relentless battering.

"You're right" had eventually revealed itself as the bitter lie it was.
"You're amazing" became a weapon he ultimately used against me.
"I love you" became yet another weapon to use against me, and he did it often.
"I miss you" was met with an ugly retort that somehow missing him meant I was "Selfish."
"You're so smart" became one of his favorite reasons to belittle me, with constant 'reminders' of how he was so much smarter.

He required praise, but it was usually tucked away in his arsenal to be used against me whenever the mood struck him---and it often did in just about every situation.

I didn't have to defend myself; but I didn't know this then.  And when I discovered my error in having defended myself for too many years to this person, it was almost too late.  So much damage done.  So damn much damage done.

I guess today is just a day when I'm finding I need to deal with this a bit more, to purge, to get it off my chest.

Now, some of you have asked WHO it is I'm talking about, which of my ex's... well, I'm not saying.  It's not about pointing fingers, but about sharing what I've gone and am going through as a result in hopes it helps someone else.

Now, on to eat some lunch....

PART 2: Your Value as a Human Being Defined by a Narcissist

In the last entry I gave a pretty long account of how I came to bringing narcissists into my life.  While long, I think it was important to define where I'm coming from in a meaningful way.  Hopefully I did just that.  Now it's time to explain how I allowed narcissists to define who I am and, which resulted in allowing them to define my actual value as a person.  Do realize that ALL narcissists do this, so if you're dealing with one you'll most likely see yourself in what I'm about to say; unless you're in the early stages where you're being put on a pedestal.

I've previously discussed "Narcissistic Supply" and what it means, but in short I will simply say it's basically a narcissist using another human being in order to feel superior, better-than.  That's WAY oversimplifying, but you probably get the point if you're actually WITH a narcissist.

NOTE:  You'll ONLY be valued by a narcissist when you're fulfilling the narcissistic need (aka, when you're actually and literally 'narcissistic supply').  The devaluation period begins when you're no longer that supply and the narcissist is bored and actively looking for his next supply.  This more times than not happens WHILE you're still with them, because they have to secure their next supply before getting rid of the old supply that is no longer giving them what they need.  They can't really be left without a supply of any kind so often, though not always, end up finding someone new (a replacement) while still in the relationship with you.  This is VERY common, by the way.

Clues you're being replaced as a narcissist's supply:

The signs are not unlike any other 'normal' situation where someone becomes bored in the relationship, cheats on you, etc.  But there are critical differences between a normal 'cheating' or 'falling out of love with' situation and that of where a narcissist is seeking a new supply.

All the usual fare applies here, with some uniquely different additions and twists:

1.  Calling and texting less/communication sees difficult or impossible, which is ultimately blamed on you.

2.  Picking fights, usually on a daily basis, often resulting in his/her not speaking to you for days (stonewalling), which is ultimately blamed on you.

3.  Constant criticism, which is ultimately blamed on you.

4.  Constant comparing and contrasting you to ex's or others the narcissist is interested in, which is ultimately blamed on you.

5.  Sex becomes something that feels 'unnatural' to you.  Now this is a tough one, because narcissists rarely ever have "normal" sex.  In fact, during sex they are usually disconnected and unable to perform unless stimulated in another way outside of the sex itself.  And outside of sheer 'performance' a narcissist cannot "make love."

But when your narcissist is looking for another source of supply the sex becomes such that it often leaves the 'supply' turned off, repelled, and bewildered.  This is a dangerous stage, because the resulting psychological and emotional damage can be long-lasting.  And like everything else bad that happens with your narcissist.. this is ultimately blamed on you.

6.  Demands become either more in number, and/or stranger in nature.  Usually this falls under the heading of all things sexual, but it requires a separate notation here because of its complexity in where it actually separates itself from actual 'sex.'  Let's suffice it to say that the demands for things such as sexually explicit photos, videos, performances, and information increase in number.  You find yourself barely able to find the time to do the things in your life that need doing, to take any time at all for yourself, to do anything for yourself, including relaxing... because the narcissist is, at this point, attempting to extract a supply that you can no longer provide.  Either your emotional state has deteriorated (depression, anxiety) to a point where you simply cannot be the plaything any longer, or if your self-esteem is intact enough... you simply WILL NOT be that supply any longer.  In both cases you probably have no idea what you're dealing with or how to define it.  And again, you will ultimately be blamed for the narcissist's behavior and increase in his/her 'needs.'

7.  Your time is no longer respected.  This is one of the hardest traits you'll have to deal with when it comes to being with a narcissist.  As YOU are devalued, so is everything in your life.  Your own needs will be offered up to you as 'selfish,' no matter if it's eating, sleeping, working, hobbies, leisure activities, your faith (church, etc.), and even your pets and family.  At this point your narcissist no longer really sees you as a human being deserving of respect, care, compassion or love.

Your inability to supply the narcissist's ever-increasing demands/needs renders you irrelevant.  THIS is absolutely CRITICAL for you to recognize, because if you don't recognize and deal with this (by LEAVING) it can destroy your physical and emotional wellbeing.  When things have reached this level of deterioration it is NECESSARY for you to get out!  You are going to be discarded eventually, so it makes no sense to stay.  Thing is, you'll probably not recognize what's happening unless you're made aware---which is what I'm doing now.  You will ultimately be blamed for all of this.

8.  Constant reminders that you can be replaced.  This is often said with a dark tone of warning, but it also can be presented in a flippant manner, both meant to hurt and worry you, to make you question your role and responsibility in the situation.  In a NORMAL and HEALTHY relationship the person who is unhappy, falling out of love, etc. will usually just break up with you and leave the situation, and they often will leave in a way that is as least damaging to you.  Healthy breakups between emotionally healthy people aren't HAPPY affairs, but a certain amount of respect is normally sought in the situation.  When a narcissist wants to leave, however, he/she does it in such a way as to leave you as hurt and broken as possible.  You will ultimately be blamed for this.

9.  You find yourself increasingly responsible for the relationship and shown how inept you are at the job.  This is really a killer of self-esteem and self-worth for those dealing with a narcissist.  Because narcissists aren't really people pleasers, they often seek out those who are.  They don't really feel compassion or actual love, so they seek those who DO feel those things, and strongly.  They also seek out those damaged just enough to be malleable.  With this combination, when the narcissist begins to look for a replacement for you (looking for a new supply), the devaluation period becomes fraught with many, many demands, often ones that are nearly impossible to meet.  And.. the relationship APPEARS to deteriorate before your eyes.  But it's an illusion.

The relationship, like the narcissist, was always based on what you 'thought' was real but was merely a facade.  Once the facade begins to crack and crumble away, once the narcissist's mask begins to slip and ultimately drop... the truth of the situation reveals itself.  Sadly, you'll begin to frantically try to patch the cracks and decay, to help the narcissist replace the mask you fell in love with.  This can never be done, though, and as the relationship becomes depressing, disconnected, chaotic, not only will the narcissist blame you for this, you will end up blaming yourself.  He/she has groomed you from the beginning for this very moment.

Over time your self-esteem was whittled away at, and at some point hacked away recklessly and with wanton abandon by the same person who once made you feel like you mattered.  This is the worst part of the devaluation period, a time in which you will ultimately be blamed for the hurt and damaged inflicted upon you by the narcissist.

10.  You will notice more frequently that the narcissist is accusing YOU of exactly what he/she is doing, often at the time you're being accused.  THIS is one of the most tell-tale signs you're dealing with a narcissist, btw---projection.  It happens early on as well, but you're in the throes of falling in love and being mostly gushed mover, pampered perhaps, and made to 'feel loved.'  Here is when, in a perfect world, we would recognize that we are falling in love with an IDEAL and make haste of getting far far away.

.................................

I've chosen not to list everything, because the list really is quite long.  All of these warning signs overlap because they're all connected, and they also share one key component: blame.  You will be ultimately blamed for every mistake, every problem, every single thing that goes wrong in the relationship.  And all the 'right' things, the seemingly 'good' things, well, those will be the things your narcissist will take credit for.  Don't fall for it.

Here's the part where I talk to you frankly, as a person with experience:

Look, I'm no expert, and I've no degree in psychology.  I can't analyze anyone, but what I can do is analyze their BEHAVIOR.  As human beings without degrees in psychology that's all we can do, it's what we MUST do; that, and practice the skill of discernment.

We cannot be blamed for what was done to us by a narcissist.  Their malignant self-love leaves no room for them to feel compassion, so they inflict pain, and they hurt us emotionally, sometimes physically, and they have no true self-restraint.  There is NOTHING at all that we can do to make it stop, to change them.  They are what they are, and in the RARE event they recognize they have a problem they can seek and obtain help, even change and become a better, kinder, more compassionate person.  But WE cannot change them, ever.  And we MUST NOT EVER blame ourselves for what they are.

My college honors psych classes didn't prepare me for dealing with this personally, but seeing a therapist DID give me a tremendous amount of insight, and it helped me understand what part of me made me vulnerable to these personality types.  It can help you too.  Why suffer when you don't have to?

Am I healed?  No.  Not completely.  I would benefit from finding another therapist.  I'm in a new city and just haven't searched for a therapist to replace the last.  But again, I also have been telling myself that I understand now and am okay.

But I'm not okay.

You see, breaking up with a narcissist is ugly business.  Not because you've broken up, but because you've broken up with an IDEAL.  How the hell do you say goodbye to an IDEAL?  You can't.  And because of this you never really get to say goodbye, to obtain that much-needed closure!

You can't say goodbye to someone who never existed to begin with.

Please understand that I'm not devaluing that person as a human being or saying that they as a person didn't exist, wasn't or isn't deserving of love, respect, etc.  They absolutely did and DO!  But the "Someone" I'm referring to DIDN'T exist, and that was the person who wore the mask, built the facade, then tore it all down because I never mattered as a person.  Do you understand?  It's not easy to describe something so utterly complicated.

I have to accept every day that I was just narcissistic supply to someone I loved deeply, fully, and unconditionally.

Your Value as a Human Being Defined by a Narcissist

In some ways I've avoided thinking about this, knowing if I go there I'll be reminded of how blindsided I was by my narcissist's intentions.  His intentions weren't evident to me because I was so completely thrown off-guard by the hot/cold performances that occurred on a daily basis, and in those times when I did actually have a few minutes to myself to breathe and think...I didn't allow myself to think about anything but the weight that was lifted off of me during the times of his angry absences.

This is the maze of confusion a narcissist creates to keep you off-balance, because if you ever gained your footing... you'd run like hell.

I'd spent the majority of my life re-inventing myself after events that pretty much left my life utterly changed for good.  Back then, while still damaged from the events of my childhood, and still WITHIN my childhood, that constant shifting of who I knew I was and who I was allowed to be didn't change who I was inside.  As my instincts as a child, my inclinations to gravitate towards those things I was meant to embrace, were thwarted by an indifferent and emotionally-absent mother.  Most other parents would recognize how significant my passions were.  But not my mother.  There was a perpetual "No" associated with almost everything I reached for.  I knew what I was, who I was meant to be, and it was a vibrant, bright and burning flame that remained within me for many years.  But it did die out eventually in my early teens, thanks to a mother who made the decision long ago that her needs were more important than her child's.

I was the last of six and born very late--an "accident" as she liked to call me.  I laughed until adulthood about being referred to as an 'accident,' like she fell, hit her head and ended up pregnant, something unintentional that would morph into a walking regret later on.  Still, not quite understanding what that word meant in terms of me, I continued to reach for the stars and fill my small, unassuming life with those things that would lift me, despite the doors she continuously closed without hesitation or thought.

She was my first and most influential exposure to narcissism.

I knew I was a dancer as early as age 4.  I gravitated towards dance, ballet at the time, and music like the proverbial moth to a flame.  I hadn't even started kindergarten and I'd built a fairly large collection of classical music albums of which I played daily.  I danced daily, despite the lack of any classical training, and I begged my mother for lessons...every....single....year until I reached junior high school, when I knew I was long-past the window of realizing my dream.  The days of dancing in the alleyway outside of the ballet studio next to my house were over, as was the begging and pleading and dreaming of such.  My dreams didn't die, but they did shift.

She couldn't say no to dance lessons in school.  And yes, back then schools still did teach the arts.  In 5th grade I was able to take music classes, recorder.. because it was the cheapest route.  The music teacher encouraged me to take up another instrument---clarinet.  My mother actually did, to my surprise, buy me a used clarinet at a local pawn shop, and I eagerly went about learning.  Within about 3 months I was asked to join the school district's 'honor band,' which was for those gifted or accelerating behind the average.  My mom was glad for me, but she remained pretty unimpressed and never came to any of the recitals.

As time went on and I couldn't afford to take my clarinet to get the required 'maintenance'... it finally broke, and my mom simply didn't pursue doing anything about it.  I'd gone through so many changes with music that my mom was oblivious to, even though it happened right before her eyes.  She never noticed when I'd bring home an oboe, a flute, a piccolo... she didn't notice that I could actually PLAY them.  I could play just about any wind instrument put in my hands.

My music teacher, recognizing what was happening with me offered to take me to a symphony.  It was the only one I would ever attend.. at least so far.  I was awed, amazed, and NEEDED to be there, to be a PART of it all.  But it wasn't meant to be anything more than one more door that would slam shut forever.

We moved to Colorado right before I was to begin high school, my clarinet was sold, and my dreams were forgotten and never spoken about again by her.  However, at the age of 14 something else came across my path that would stick with me until adulthood---bellydance.  This was another door my mother closed with a resounding "No," and I wasn't to revisit this particular dream until adulthood, when living on the Mississippi gulf coast I made my first trip to New Orleans where I entered a shop called "Kruz: From Morocco to India."  I was drawn to the little shop on the corner by the music pouring out of its doors, and I walked out changed that day.. forever.

This time was different, and I had no one but myself to close the door, and what I chose to do was run straight through it to the other side.  Within 2 years I was told by many that I danced as if I'd done it my entire life, and people began asking me to teach them.  I taught, and I performed, and my life FINALLY felt exactly right.

After a few years, however, I began to feel progressively weak, tired, and unable to even continue going to the gym.. something I'd done since age 20.  While I'd found ways to work out and exercise prior to that age, the gym experience didn't happen until 20.

My last day of dance practice, when I knew it was over for me happened while living in Jacksonville, FL.  My once 3 hour long and effortless dance practices dwindled to about 20 minutes, and I collapsed on the floor in tears knowing that it would be my last.  I felt it with all I was and saw the signs of it coming for about a year.

My gym membership was canceled, as the strong, vibrant body I once possessed was failing me.  Over a couple of weeks I could lift less and less until I couldn't lift at all.  The easy 30 minutes on the Stairmaster halted altogether.  I hired a personal trainer who, after a few weeks, said I really needed to see a doctor.  Without health insurance, that really wasn't possible.

My trips to the gym ended with me leaving exhausted, pale, and with dark circles under my eyes.  I would get home and sleep for 3 hours straight without waking.  Recovery from exercise became impossible.

We moved again, and I began to not recognize myself anymore, moving for the person I was with at the time, as his job required traveling.  I lived my life through his while trying to find my way.  At this point I returned to writing, something I'd done since early childhood and also was very good at.  I created a couple of web sites, discovered graphic art, web design, and created spaces on the web where my artistic needs could at least somewhat be met.

I won't go into the writing at this point, because this entry has already begun looking like War and Peace.  But it was something I'd always HAD to do, be it poetry or short stories, then later.. beginning novels.  This was somewhat taken away from me when my handwritten manuscripts (I didn't have a computer at first) were 'sold off' by a storage facility where our belongings were stored.  The guy I was with at the time failed to make the payments and didn't tell me.  Years of writing, and SO much more, were bought by strangers.  All my writing was gone along with years of memories in photos, art my kids made for me as they were growing up, and... my life changed yet again.

The chronic fatigue I'd found myself in had begun taking the creative edge off my writing, and about 7 years ago I'd written the last sentence in an uncompleted book.  I've yet to get my muse to return.

The artist within refused to give up and rediscovered something I'd reached for in high school---photography.  I was able to take a class, but my mother said "No" to buying me a used camera and, instead, left me to use the disposable ones.  While my classmates shared information about their impressive 35mm cameras, I simply hung back and clung to the camera whose only capability was left in the parameters set by the manufacturer.  But I kept trying, always finding things to shoot.  Getting close to my subject was impossible, and I had no control over settings.  Frustrated, I did not take another semester.

Fast-forward to now:

A few years ago I finally obtained a REAL camera.  I don't think I ever left the house without it, and I found myself loving the shoots I did at the local cemeteries.  Getting film developed was costly at the rate I was shooting, so I ended up with a used digital camera that eventually gave out as well.  That camera finally gave out and I obtained a cheap digital from Best Buy.  It lasted a couple of years.  I then bought a decent digital from eBay and... well, ended up having to sell that to my BF at the time so I could pay my rent.  Oh trust me, I've left off major life events in this story.  But in the end I was left without a camera.

I'd also discovered OOAK doll repainting, of which I had to give up when moving to Montgomery due to the health issues.  But I have all my supplies, and a brand new camera waiting for me to recover from whatever has been kicking my backside.

So much information, isn't it?  I know.  It is.  And what has all this to do with having your value determined by a narcissist?  That one is actually easy to explain.  You see, when the patterns begin in childhood, when your determination is strong in the beginning and hammered away with over time your sense of self, that balance in your life changes significantly, and many times, though not always, people end up gravitating to those who are most like that which defined us from very early on.  In other words, we gravitate towards those we're most used to.  It's our comfort zone, though it's never actually comfortable.

Over and over again in my life I ended up with people who would ultimately treat me the way my mother did.  Sounds a bit cliche, doesn't it?  Well, maybe it is in some ways, but I think that's mostly due to how many people actually end up in this situation.

PART 2 will address where this ties into narcissists and their need to define your value as a human being.

PART 1: I wasn't supposed to be... awake.

But I was... the entire time during the procedure.  It's not exactly the nightmare they make movies and write books about, but it more than surprised me, and it most DEFINITELY surprised the radiologist performing the procedure.  Really.  I was supposed to be asleep.

I arrived at the hospital yesterday morning to have a liver biopsy done.  I'd already researched enough to know what to expect, talked to people in the forum I belonged to to hear their experiences.  I wasn't expecting to be this surprised.  Oh, but I was.. and in more ways than one.

When the radiologist came in with another doctor to talk to me about the procedure, what to expect, how it will work, etc., he mentioned HOW they were going to access my liver.  Now, this is where the first surprise came in...

He began telling me that Dr. S wants things done a particular way and that the procedure I'm having is "tricky" because it involves entering the jugular vein and inserting a wire that will be able to reach the portal vein in the liver in order to check the pressure there.  He began telling me the risks to the heart and lung and liver.  I listened, but I was confused because I thought I was to be there for just the biopsy and didn't know anything at all about checking the portal pressure.  Skipping ahead...

We talked a little about the procedure, and the radiologist reassured me that Dr. S was very specific about what he wanted done.  I asked if anything bad had ever happened during the procedure with anyone he's done it on and he said that the only thing that has happened in his (long) career was one patient's heart went out of rhythm and wouldn't go back in, so they had to stop the procedure, send him to the cath lab to shock his heart back into normal sinus rhythm.  Ok.  Only one event.  So I said..  "Ok.  Let's do this."

The Dr. assisting the radiologist explained about the two medication that I'd be given, that I wouldn't be put completely under but would be unaware of what's going on and wouldn't feel anything, except perhaps the lidocaine they would use on my neck where they would make the tiny incision to access the jugular.  He said I would just 'sleep' through the procedure and would not have any recollection of it at all once it's done and I'm awake.  I was familiar with this because I'd had a heart cath in 2013, and ablations on my heart in 2014... so that twilight sleep I know about and have experienced.

...Off to the OR we went.

Once on the table the anesthesiologist told me she was giving me the first dose of sedation, and that it would be done in stages until they're ready to begin the procedure, then she added "The lidocaine may bring you out of this for a moment because it stings, but it will be brief."  By the time they were ready to begin I was loopy as hell, but I was awake.  One last dose was given, because I was awake... and I think I nodded off for a minute or two.  Then I was awake again.

Awake, aware of my surroundings enough to hold a conversation.

I heard the radiologist say he was administering the lidocaine.  Oh yeah---I definitely felt that.  But it quickly receded and I felt nothing in that area.

I felt the cath wedge go into my jugular, and I continued to feel it go down my chest, felt something strange with my right lung, felt it proceed past my heart--to which my heart fluttered a little--and then nothing... for now.

I heard every word said, heard the radiologist talking to the doctor that was there, even remember hearing him calling out the numbers once he began reading the wedged pressure and free-flowing pressure.  I remember the numbers exactly.

A couple of times the anesthesiologist raised the blue drape over my face to look at me, and I returned with a smile.  Then... they changed Caths and went back in to take the biopsy samples...

The first "snap!" I heard had only a little discomfort with it.  The second "Snap" was a bit more painful and I said.. "Oh, that one smarts!"  This was the first time the radiologist knew I was awake.

"How much did you give her?" I heard him ask the anesthesiologist.  "She's awake."  She responded with the dosage she'd given me, and he said.. "Wow.  I would be on a vent if I'd had that much."  He has a smile in his voice, so I know he was just joking a bit. Plus I was familiar with this radiologist as he'd done the biopsy on my thyroid nodule a year ago.  He's good guy, a really skilled radiologist.

So the third "Snap" I heard came with significant cramping across the entire front of my ribcage, where the liver is.  And oh yeah.. THAT one definitely hurt.  And folks, I have a high pain tolerance for stuff like this, having kids, etc.  So when I say it hurt.. I mean it.

Once they were finished they removed the blue drape and one of the nurses told me she was applying pressure to the little hole where they'd entered the jugular.  She told me there may be a bit of a bruise there and that she was sorry if the pressure she was applying hurt.  It really wasn't that bad, and I told her so.

As I lay there with pressure being applied to my neck the anesthesiologist came over and apologized that I felt pain and explained she wasn't sure why I remained awake.  I assured her that it was okay and that the pain I did feel didn't last a long time, that I was okay.  They returned me to recovery.

I told my nurse there what happened, and she looked at me as if I'd grown a third eye. lol  The other nurses turned around (my bed was right next to the little desk where all the nurses sat) and gave me a look of horror. haha   Hey, no events... so to me this was a good procedure.

I'll have the results in a few days, I think.  But I don't believe I have portal hypertension at all.  I believe Dr. S just wanted to make sure due to some of the symptoms I was having.  As for the presence of any cirrhosis... I don't believe that's the case either, or Dr. S would've seen the prominent veins in my esophagus etc. when he did the EGD a couple of months ago.  What I DO expect is to see  if NASH is actually present and to what extent, and if there is any fibrosis or not.  I fully expect the outcome to be okay, with perhaps  NAFLD or maybe NASH if inflammation is present.

Can you hear me?

Extending my trust to you is free only once.  After that, it's up to you to earn it again.

It never ceases to amaze me when T expresses his belief that he should have my trust whether he's broken it or not.  Disrespecting me doesn't make me trust you; In fact, the opposite is true.  Break my trust and it's no longer MY job to extend it to you again.  Yes..you absolutely have to earn it again.  Or not.  It's entirely up to you.  My part is done.

Trusting someone is more than just about not cheating in a relationship or choosing to NOT lie.  It's much more than that.  When someone mistreats you the trust leaves just as easily and abruptly as if your bf/gf/wife/husband had cheated.

If you play games with my trust--you WILL lose my trust.  Those in my past who have toyed with my trust, my feelings... lost my trust and did so quickly.  I won't be toyed with again, and I also will no longer waste any precious time or energy on worrying, hoping, or even working to regain that sense of trust of that person.  I've spent far too much energy in the past trying to find the why's and wherefores in the wake of someone doing something absolutely childish and stupid, something that hurt me deeply and destroyed my trust in them.  Life is just too damn short for that.

Guys, I will tell you this: If you're toying with a woman's feelings, her self-esteem, trying to get a rise out of her at the expense of her self-esteem, trying to make her jealous... you WILL lose in the end.  I guarantee it.  Either your life will be made miserable as you find yourself in the garden of decay that was once your relationship, or you will find yourself alone.  So it's best you know what outcome you're expecting, what you're expecting to gain by such behaviors.. before you embark on a journey you may not be able to come back from.

The other way to lose trust is by being indifferent.  Oh yeah, I know.. there's the "I" word again.  But this is just as damaging, because if you're indifferent to someone enough times they will eventually not trust you with their feelings.  This isn't unlike the mistrust you get from an affair, purposefully trying to make her jealous, and so on.  The only difference is that the response isn't going to be explosive and intensely emotional.  Nope.  In fact, the damage is slow and insidious and permanent.

Because of my past experiences, mainly the most recent one, I've little tolerance for those things that hurt me, make me feel less-than.  Life is an excellent teacher if you're willing to learn.

Oh, about that whole forgiveness thing... yes, I forgive and highly recommend that to anyone who's been hurt this way.  But I do not suggest becoming a doormat to that person in the process.

It's not just about what's happened, or IS happening

Moving beyond what's wrong to embrace what's right; It's what we do when we choose to survive.

Years beyond all of the darker relationship experiences I've had I still have to face those demons nearly every day.  Somehow I manage to keep going, though I'm afraid that the damage done won't heal completely.  I have to believe that this isn't the case.  But what happens when you know what you have to do to be happy, to thrive, and it goes against your spiritual beliefs?

This is something I now struggle with.  But it's just a struggle, and eventually those end.

It takes a minute

The weekends are tough.  Living with an indifferent person is difficult, especially when you don't have a space to which you can retreat and gather your thoughts.  At the moment this house is filled with boxes--moving time is near.  The new house is larger, and I will have my own space/room that I can use as I see fit.  It will become a place for art, contemplation, even sleep if I need to just be alone.  Well, there's no 'IF' about that.  Still, as the weekends bring opportunity for unpleasant events... I wonder how long this body will hold out.  No, I'm not being melodramatic.  As the situation worsens, so does my health, leaving me with little to no quality of life.

This past weekend wasn't unlike any other, just one more group of days where indifference and disrespect remain a solid foundation on which I have to exist.  When I try hard enough, work hard enough, I can get myself past the feelings that this brings forth.  It takes a minute.

Tomorrow I'm going in for a liver biopsy.  T's first question when hearing I have to have this done is... "Do I have to be there?"  This, like so many other utterances, behaviors, etc., did NOT exactly endear him to me (I think I said that right... so tired right now that I'm struggling to gather my thoughts).  I've told him bluntly that certain things he says and does, very particular things, are changing the way I see him, and the way I feel about him.  The problems are all rooted in a blatant lack of compassion on his part, and as much as I've tried to show him what he's doing and its effects on me, on the relationship, he doesn't do anything to help himself in that respect.

I can only do so much.

Is it up to me to change my environment?  Am I the only one who has to work to fix both sides of this situation?  It's all too familiar, really, and I'm not at all comfortable with it.  I've been made to be responsible for both sides of a relationship in the past, and it NEVER ends well.  If both people aren't doing their part it will ultimately fall apart.

That brand of emotional laziness in relationships destroy everything in its wake, including trust, including love.

Nearly every moment I'm striving to return balance into my world.  This is too much work for one person.  I can't, again, carry the entire weight of a relationship, especially when it's do damn destructive.

Is indifference, emotional laziness, chronic disrespect a form of abuse?  With the exception of chronic disrespect, no.  But what I do know is it's destructive to the person who is buried beneath it.

So how am I handling the indifference towards being in the hospital for a risky procedure?  Not very well.  I will be there alone, as he will be at work during the procedure and after in recovery.  On one hand it hurts my feelings on a human level.  And on the other hand I also see it as a blessing in disguise.  I will find a way to rationalize my way through this... but it takes a minute.  It really does.

Another hole in the head.

I need another blog like I need....  yeah, you know the drill.  But I suppose the realization of late is that I'm still struggling with old patterns, though the fabric of them may be different.  While I recognize 'overt' abuse, even overt emotional abuse, distinguishing between what constitutes abuse or not can sometimes be a challenge for me.  My ultimate goal is to finish what I started roughly 2.5 years ago...when I realized the absolutely horrific predicament I found myself in.  How did it happen again?  I'm tired of asking myself that question, and equally tired of HAVING to.  Such is the struggle to understand the very thing that has repeatedly tried to destroy everything I am.

Abuse, in any of its forms, has components that are insidious, stealthy, and the destruction they cause is far-reaching.

Working my way through the experiences is a goal, and one I've not yet reached.  The absence of closure, for one, and vacillating between understanding and utter bewilderment (even now) holds me tight in a never-ending loop of esteem-crushing confusion.  I'll be damned if I'm going to allow that to happen---hence, this blog.

I have a tough time keeping up with everything as it is, but after realizing I have a long way to go with this particular subject.. I realized it would good for me to have a place to express it all.  And maybe, just maybe.. I can help someone else in the process.

Here is the beginning of the middle.

I have to start somewhere.