Same shit, different day, new perspective on an old and growling beast. I don't run from the things I have to address, but I also don't face them until I have my crap together either. So when I find myself continuing to observe T's indifference, the disconnection despite his denial, I begin visualizing a much better life far from 'here.' I wouldn't be the first woman to have the need from being freed from such damaging bonds. Crap, but I feel like a caged animal at times.
He doesn't listen, which means I have to repeat 99% of anything and everything I say. And what he hears, or says he hears, he remembers very little of, even of the most critical and important of things. No, he doesn't have a 'memory' problem--he has a SELECTIVE MEMORY problem. Like many men, he's afflicted, and he will find himself on the outside FAST. Well, to be honest, he's pretty much there already and is too damn self-centered and egocentric to notice. smh. I almost feel sorry for him.
Almost.
So what happens when Mr. Man tunes out? Well, the beginning part of the process is pretty self-evident, isn't it? When a woman doesn't feel 'heard' she tends to speak "louder," though that doesn't mean volume-wise. Ask to be heard. Demand to be heard. And then... eventually... doesn't care if 'he' hears or not because, by then, most likely someone else has come along who really is listening. And before you 'go there' and think we're talking an affair, let me say THIS: It is a human need to want to be heard, for someone to show they give a shit, and just because you find someone who listens, gives a shit... doesn't mean you're sleeping with them.
When you've wasted time on someone who doesn't bother to listen, hear, or acknowledge.. OR remember anything you say, it's only natural to stop talking to that person. Funny thing about that, too, because it's always when you've given up, stopped talking, stopped sharing, and begin disconnecting that the other party decides they suddenly notice. Doesn't usually fix the behavior, and it usually brings on board even more problems because that person suddenly feels 'needy' in the absence of what they once had.
On the flip-side of this is when you're dealing with a narcissist, the one who is constantly needy and making demands, unreasonable demands, while accusing you of not 'being there.' Oh God, but that is an insane situation when it happens. Lucky for me, T isn't much of a narcissist, and not a malignant one as I can see, but he's so self-centered that he's pretty incapable of being there for another person. No joke. Not kidding in the least. He's clueless.
In my situation, especially at this point in treatment for the AIH, it would be nice to have someone ACTUALLY present. Not sort of present, going through the motions of being present, but ACTUALLY PRESENT. "Wish in one hand..." as my mom used to say.
On my own. Okay. Well, if you're not going to be there for me, then get out of my way! Yes, I've told him this, point-blank. He just decides that he IS there for me, though there's nothing really in his behavior that makes him 'there' for me. I can't reconcile this at all. Neither can he. He can't explain, then says he 'understands,' which are simply mere words to me. It's not like we live in separate households and have completely separated lives. He's here, but he's NOT here.
It would be different, understandable if we lived in separate places entirely. When you don't live with someone you have to allow them room and time to live their own life, to do what they need to do with regards to just everyday living. That's just respectful. But when you're in the same household and you're not there... that's an entirely different scenario altogether because you're supposed to be working together for at least some common goals, there to help one another, etc.
Give me some damn space! Let me BREATHE, for crying out loud! Indifference can be quite suffocating. Has anyone ever noticed this? Because I certainly have. It's a lot like being trapped. It really is. Nothing looms larger in any room than an absent human being. Yes, you can quote me on that. It's how I feel, how I see it, and how I experience it. "It" being living with someone who is completely unplugged and self-centered. I feel like I'm suffocating...
There are times I need to talk, REALLY need to talk. I'm still reeling from this recent diagnosis, and I'm confused and bewildered as to what to do, how to deal with the disease itself, the harsh and necessary treatment protocols, the uncertainty of the future, and I've no one to talk to about this.
Autoimmune Hepatitis is a RARE disease, so there's not a ton of people out there talking about it, sharing their stories, and so on. There's not a ton of information on it, and even less as how to cope with it. And here's the clincher... T has NO clue what this disease is about, how it can affect me over the course of my life, prognosis indicators... NOTHING at all. Why? Because he's not BOTHERED to learn anything about it. He's absolutely CLUELESS about AIH.
What am I to think of that?.... heading to PART II to expound... and oh trust me, I feel a vent coming on...
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