Sunday. End of the week. The last chance to get anything done. I totally understand sleeping in, though my body won't allow me to do that. I understand T wanting to sleep in. Totally get it. My only thought in that is: What will he do with the waking time? We're not exactly in 'normal circumstances' mode right now, as we are still surrounded by boxes and clutter from things that need to be either put away, assembled and put away, or just organized and cleaned out. I did most of that myself during the first week on Prednisone, and I'm afraid I actually overdid things because, honestly, I didn't know how much energy I would have from one day to the next, and I don't have any help here but for T. And truly.. he's very little help.
My son, the one who lives closest to me, is till roughly about 4 hours drive away. Not really close in the great scheme of things. But he's offered to come here and help. The trouble I have with that is that he'd have to take off work in order to do that, and have an 8hr round trip drive. And just to do things that T can actually do himself. Oh, there are other alternatives, but T won't allow it. This is also another issue I have with this situation---not being able to make a decision on my own and actually act upon it. I'm really rather tired of being treated like a child, a slave, and am so very close to just saying... F it all.
I do what I can with what my body and energy will allow. I push, and I push, and I keep pushing long-past what I know I should really be doing. It isn't enough, though. For all that I can do, the remaining tasks are out of my reach at this time. So who's going to do this?
I offered to look online, call around, and find a "handyman" who can do these relatively simple tasks. I can't even tell you how tired I am of walking around boxes that have been sitting here for nearly a month now. It doesn't make sense. It just doesn't make sense. Except in that I know T for what he is, and he's a guy who could literally care less if the house he lives in falls apart around him. How do I know this? Well, for starters, I remember the first time I saw his house, the one he lived in for 10 years. The disarray, to say the least, was uncomfortable, and it (for all practical purposes) looked like an abandoned house inside as NOTHING was ever cleaned. I refused to take a shower at his house, because I felt I would be clean if I stayed OUT of those bathrooms/showers. Dear God, you've no idea how bad it was.
I felt sorry for him at the time, and I even tried cleaning it up myself FOR him. It was an IMPOSSIBLE task. I spent hours trying to scrub stuff that simply would not come off. And I'm telling you, that was just in the bathtub and shower. And the smell...
He told me that his ex wife was to blame. He said she made a mess out of everything and wouldn't clean the house, etc., etc. However, he'd been divorced and living away from her for YEARS. So what about cleaning all that up after she left??? How about hiring someone to come in and get things right so you don't live in filth? I bought the story. Stupid, stupid, stupid me. Why the hell do I insist on trusting people, I've no idea, as history repeats itself in the guys I end up with??
So here I am, 2nd anniversary just yesterday, and I look at the pattern of what is and what is not done in this house, and the last one we lived in, and I see that exact pattern in him. I KNOW there are guys out there that AREN'T looking for a mother, you know.. someone to clean up after them etc. Because I've met men who took great pride in what they have, what they own, and they respected their investments, be it home or car or belongings of any kind. Oh, but there've been a couple I've been with who take everything they have for granted and let it fall to waste... claiming.. they don't take their stuff for granted. Right. Proof is in the pudding, sir.
In the midst of this clutter I long for a better life. How can I not? I'm not a filthy person, and I despise clutter. I grew up with a mother who was a hoarder, and I hated that even as a child. Why would I be okay with it as an adult? T isn't really a hoarder, though there are a few aspects of what he does that hint at the tendency. Keeping crap that he says he's going to sell one day but never sells anything. Keeping things that he will never ever use, claiming he might use them one day. And as it piles up and there's no room for anything... that's where the tendency or pre-disposition shows itself clearly. The only difference is that he doesn't buy new things and keep them.
I'm about functionality. Yes, and having lovely surroundings is part of who I am as well, part of being a woman really. At least most women. It's that nesting thing. I like that about me, and I'm not willing to change that at all. No matter what you have or don't have you can still make things nice, clean, livable, and make it look and feel like home. If you're living with someone who could care less about that, then you may find yourself struggling on a daily basis to maintain that feeling. And THAT is where I am right now.
We moved here because I needed peace, serenity, to get out of a racket and noise-filled city. I didn't dislike our neighbors, except for the ones we knew were selling drugs. They were eventually evicted anyway. But the noise, and looking out the front window to see anything but inspiring sites. It was grating on my nerves. T, however, could live anywhere in any neighborhood and be okay with it. That's what it looks like when someone doesn't give a shit. I'm so opposite of that, though, and it's causing a great deal of unrest and turmoil in my life. And don't even get me started on the anxiety.
What did I discover after the move? I discovered that it's still insanely difficult to find my peace, and it seems like the only time I actually ever have it is when I'm alone, or when I'm laying in bed at night. Oh, and I guess I didn't mention we're sleeping in separate rooms because T snores like a freight train and I was getting absolutely NO sleep whatsoever. I'm sorry, but his not wanting to sleep by himself is lower on the totem pole than my declining health. I was firmly warned by my GI specialist, my lung doctor, and even my primary care physician... that if I kept sleeping minimally that it would have dire effects on my heart, my lungs, and my overall health. And now that I know I'm dealing with at least one autoimmune disease, I can't risk the triggers such as physical and emotional stress, especially while on prednisone.
So what does it all mean, then? Where do I go from here? Can I even FIX anything wrong here?
PART II of this will address precisely where I am at the moment, choices I have to make, and so on....
No comments:
Post a Comment