Finding out I have an autoimmune disease, in this case one that wants very much to destroy my liver (Autoimmune Hepatitis), has changed everything for me. How I live, what I do, who I'm around, where I go, all of those everyday things people take for granted has to be approached with a great deal of thought and discretion now. My life is different, but it's still MY life, which means I get to choose how to live it from one moment to the next.
My past contains enough sharp edges that, more often than not, continue to cut. Not having dealt with to completion the necessary steps to find my way out of that past darkness does have its drawbacks, so all I can do is navigate as best I can in hopes the wounds won't be reopened, or even that new ones won't be created. We can't run from our past, and I can't think of a single reason anyone would want to. As bad as it may be, we still need to remember, always remember what we went through so we can recognize the danger signs and steer clear of repeating the same mistakes over and over again. For me, I have made the mistakes repeatedly, but only because I didn't get the proper help to recognize WHY it was happening, and to also recognize any current situation that is dangerous to me, my spirit, my peace of mind, my life in general.
A more recent past experience still wreaks havoc on who and what I am, and it sometimes, oftentimes, defies all inner reason and threatens to steal away my joy whenever it comes. I'm not in full control over this yet, though I'm trying very much to get a handle on things. Working towards healing is like that, you know. It doesn't happen overnight or in a few minutes, and anyone telling you that's the way healing works.. is lying.
The echoes of the past still whisper to me if I'm not very careful to replace that voice with another. Someone I dearly loved and trusted betrayed my trust in more ways than I can tell you. The comparisons alone were damaging all by themselves, and to this very day I hear those words again and again, because while I was with that person I heard those very words... again and again. It's going to take a minute to heal from that.
"It's not mean if it's true!" If I had a dollar for every time I heard this.
Even IF something is true it can still be mean to say it, comment on it, or judge whatever it is. And you also have to know if it's actually TRUE or not, have the ability to recognize the difference between your OPINION and actual fact. Case in point, telling someone they're stupid, a moron, etc., making fun of them either for their age, weight, height, choice of clothing, and so on... is mean. Is is less mean to tell an elderly person they're "old" or "wrinkled" or even "incontinent" okay? Is it nice to say it though it may be true? Is it 'nice' to tell a mentally retarded person that they're mentally retarded? Is it okay to tell someone who has a physical disability that impairs their ability to walk like everyone else.. that they walk funny? No. NONE of that is okay. Nor is it okay to make judgments of that person when you're really speaking just opinion. Keep it to yourself, because IT IS MEAN.
Enter the comparisons...
This tactic of a narcissist, btw, is a common one. When you don't meet their overblown and unreasonable criteria you're completely fair game for un-called for scrutiny, criticism, judgment, and character assassination. At first it's subtle, insidious in nature. Later, as the narcissist becomes comfortable and feels you're hooked in, the once-veiled comparisons bundled with insults become bolder, louder, and more extreme. Eventually, the comparisons will be point-blank as the narcissist gets more comfortable with the idea that he is somehow right.
You'll be compared to their ex's, family members, friends, or people they want you to know is interested in them. This is across the board, btw.
I could go into great bloody detail with this, but not today. I spent the better part of a couple of years trying NOT to be me at the insistence of that person, the one who criticized, ridiculed, then resorted to blatant attacks on who and what I am as a person. It was a long, drawn-out event that had me scrambling to be, in effect, someone else entirely. And the result?... disastrous. Absolutely disastrous. In time I barely recognized the woman in the mirror, and as time passed and the onslaught continued... I began to miss the person I was, because she remained beneath the surface, suffocating, crying out for help with no one to hear.
I'm still saving that part of me, still trying to heal the wounds. And I still remember the length I allowed myself to go to in order to please that other, otherwise, un-pleasable person. I allowed him to talk me into dissolving all I was. BIG BIG mistake.
The physical effects began to happen immediately. I no longer looked like the happy person I was prior to that relationship (for lack of a better word). I could see in the mirror, and in photos, how much sadness there was in my eyes after about six months or so, but I didn't put it together until much, much later. By the time I was shown what it was I was dealing with, so much of me was broken, shattered, and confused. To this day I still seek to repair the damage, and I struggle with it every day, day in and day out. And I still wonder why the hell it happened to me.
I have to talk about this. It's the only way to deal with it. In my everyday life I don't talk to anyone about this now. In fact, I don't talk about it with anyone anymore, which is one reason it pours on the pages across my blogs, some days more than others.
Where do I find healing? I know it's not in the form of denial. I know it's not in the form of sugar-coating the experience. I know it's not like I can wish it away like it never happened. It DID happen, and it actually continues to happen still, because the way it happened, the damage it did, and the way it ended was insidious for the most part and cruel as hell.
Letting go:
What nice words, huh? "Letting go" sounds like something easy, a walk in the park, a piece of cake, something anyone can do. Right? Wrong! Actually letting go takes closure, time, patience, and a complete understanding of what happened and my role in the situation and in the healing itself.
Where it all falls apart for me is the mirror. When I look I see that other me, the sad one, the bewildered one, the one who was taught to NOT TRUST her own instincts, her own vital truth. That's what I see. I don't know at the moment how to change this, and the damaging effects are still continuing. I know I'm going to have to return to therapy, and I'm not apologizing for that, nor am I going to feel bad or 'less than' for that. The situation wrecked me, and I'm at least smart enough, strong enough to admit that I need help dealing with the damage I incurred.
Many days I have nothing to say on this matter, and some days it's a flood of thought, emotion, and so on. Like today. I know what's triggering this, and I'm just going to roll with it for now. In ways I'm still hurt that so much was ignored and missed and scoffed at, so much that's come to light over the past couple of years.
That's another topic for another entry... Yeah, I'm definitely on a roll today... purging the demons.
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