PART II: Never Mind. Seriously. Just Never Mind.

First let me say this: I'm not demonizing T.  I do love T.  But you have to understand that his behavior is destructive, not only to the relationship, but to me as well.  I've tried to help him understand what his behavior does, how it affects US, and how it affects me.  I haven't pointed out that it affects him as well, because stating the obvious is never going to get the point across.  He has to come to THAT conclusion himself, to figure out for himself how things affect him, etc.  I can't do that, nor can I speak for him or his feelings.  I've asked, and he's shared very little.  His choice entirely.

So at this point, as mentioned in previous entries in my blogs, I have to now focus on myself, my health, and getting strong and healthy again.  My life depends on it, and I'm not willing to give up quality of life in order to make room for T's ego.

How did I get here, and does it make ME self-centered to make myself the center of my own world right now?

Giving so much that you lose yourself is unhealthy, and it WILL empty you at some point where you have nothing left to sustain yourself.  I've given, given, given, accepted, self-blamed, and a plethora of other unhappy endeavors, thoughts and considerations until I really was left feeling completely empty and unhappy.  My attempts to fulfill T's needs without replenishing myself was the worst possible thing I could have done.  But I chose to do it to make him happy.  Over the past couple of years this went on--my giving, giving in, ignoring my own needs and desires, putting all I am to the side in order to make sure HIS world was right.  Now I'm left of what's left of the person I used to be, and trust me when I say I've been here before... it's unhealthy and destructive.

The dialogue began to change when my health began to decline.  Over the course of many doctor visits, tests of every kind, a few diagnosis and procedures... I realized that the person who was sometimes next to me was not only clueless at what was happening to me or how I felt about it all, but it was a CHOICE he made each and every day.  He would spend so much free time on FaceBook, picking away at his phone and reposting memes and articles and so forth that didn't enrich his life, OR our life together.  I observed this over the past two years and wondered, at first, why he didn't spend that much time learning about what I was going through, the sometimes dangerous and necessary procedures I was having, WHY I was having them, and what it meant.  Eventually, I asked him why.  He really didn't have an answer, and to this day still doesn't have an answer.

I had an idea that I would be going through these life events WITH him.  I believed that maybe he possessed even the smallest curiosity about anything I've been and am going through.  I was wrong.  So wrong.

What was the turning point?  When did I recognize the indifference full-force?  That one's easy.  The day I had the fine needle aspirate for a large thyroid nodule found during an ultrasound of my carotid arteries.  When I was told I needed a biopsy I didn't know that I would be going to that appointment alone.  This wouldn't be the first time he did this...

Transjugular liver biopsy was the reality check: Liver biopsies are extremely risky, and doctors have to seriously weigh the benefits against the risk before deciding on this measure.  In my case, not only was a liver biopsy ordered, but I had to have it done via catheter via the jugular vein in my neck so they could assess portal pressures.  Even the radiologist sat down and explained how "Tricky and complicated" this procedure is, then asked me if I had anyone there with me, or if I wanted to call someone to come to the hospital to be there... and that he would wait for them if so.  That's how risky this procedure is.  Where was T?  He dropped me off at the hospital for the procedure and went to work.

He dropped me off for the procedure and went to work.

As I sat in the critical care area waiting for the radiologist to return I looked around at the other patients there, some of which were waiting for their procedures to be done, or was in recovery mode. ALL of them had family and/or friends with them.  I was the only one there by myself.  Even the nurses kept asking me if I had someone there with me.

When the radiologist returned I told him no one would be there and to just go ahead.  He asked me if I had someone to take me home afterwards, and I told him yes.  One word.  Just 'yes.'  It's all I could say.

I was a little sad as I was taken into the surgical suite where they would do the ultrasound-guided procedure.  It was a painful process because I can't take morphine (allergy).  I felt it all and was awake.  Groggy, but awake.  When it was over they took me to recovery.  I called T and told him I was in recovery, and he said to call him when they released me and to meet me where he would be picking me up.  An aide took me downstairs to wait when the time came.  T didn't even bother coming up to walk with me.

This is the part when things begin to shift, when you see that person for the first time, when you look at them and barely recognize who you're looking at.  You wonder who they are and why you're there with them.  That's what I went through.  I wondered who this guy was who was, for the most part, behaving as if he were just some neighbor or something who gave me a ride that day because I had no other way to get to/from the hospital.  Who the hell IS this person? ... that's what I still ask on nearly an every day basis now.

My life became about me when I realized 'me' is all I had.  AIH, the lung issues (COPD), the worsening heart valve problem, the struggle with pain and other unpleasantness that refuses to resolve and stay resolved, all of it is MY struggle.  My struggle to get well; my struggle to cope, find answers, find strength, to continue to make choices based on what's right for my health and life.  In this I discovered that I couldn't continue to put his needs, wants, demands, etc. ahead of my health any longer.  I did that once before in my life and paid dearly with my health.  I'm not willing to do it again because, this time, the stakes are much higher.

I reserve the right to protect my life now.  T made choices as I gave him everything, as I put my own health second, my happiness last, placed my entire well-being on hold.  He made choices that benefitted him and hurt me in the process.  And he continues to do so.  Yes, I've told him.  No, he's not really responded with anything other than to feel sorry for himself.  He refuses to take a step back and LOOK at what he's done, what he's not done, and how it's changed the way I see him, and how I see US.

Been here, done that before.  I know how this works, and I know how guys like him think.  The more he pities himself, the more he refuses to acknowledge what's happened, the further back progress is pushed.  Now there's no progress.  Things aren't better.  And, frankly, I'm just too damn sick to fix it all myself.  It's been tossed in my lap, this stuff, and I'm not up to carrying the load anymore.

So every time I speak and he says "What?"... every time I repeat myself, only to have him retain very little of what I say, each time I'm sitting right next to him and talk.. and he says "What?" or pretends he heard me but didn't... I distance myself from him even more.  It's about protecting myself now, protecting my health, my life.

I absolutely refuse to allow another guy to suck the life right out of me.

Now when he says 'What?' I have only one reply:  "Never mind.  Seriously.  Just never mind."  T's response?... nothing.

So be it.