All Stressed Out

It was a difficult night last night to say the least.  As moods go, mine wasn't the greatest to begin with, and testing me by being disrespectful isn't a great way to end an otherwise peaceful evening.  And yet, this is exactly what T decided to do.  It was just poor judgment on his part, really, so I'm giving him a pass and trying to move beyond that one event.  In having to deal with unpleasantness that late in the evening the anxiety and stress carried itself with me and right into bed; NOT something that's conducive to sleep, much less GOOD sleep.  *sigh*

As much as the current events here can be trying at times, or even more than just trying, I'm often taken back to my recent past and how many times nighttime was wrought with more stress and anxiety than I've ever known.  It's a wash-over of sorts, all this carrying the past into the present.  I was told it's a form of PTSD, that certain experiences were actual emotional trauma that will resurface until I'm able to deal with them properly and un-do the damage.  Or if not to un-do, but rather to HEAL the damage.

During current stressful events the past comes in and waves like an annoying child DEMANDING attention right then and there.  I don't like this but know that the damage done prior is now a part of me, a part of my life.  Thing is, none of it's healed completely.

I suppose healing won't happen until I learn HOW to heal, because I knew THEN when it was happening that I couldn't do it on my own.  And right NOW.. I accept that same truth, which is that this is bigger than me and healing will take time, patience, help, and understanding that I can't get on my own.  But what do I do in the meantime?

Wait.  I just wait.  I'll wait it out, ride out what I can, roll with the punches when they come and try to get up the next day and start over.  It's all I can do.

See, what I want you guys to understand is that a narcissist's reach is far, their grip unbelievably strong.  This is why you need to know who and what you're dealing with, because getting out early before the damage is done is going to be the key to your healing faster and more completely than had you stayed in there.. hoping for the impossible, that being that the narcissist will see reason and change.  That person WILL NOT CHANGE.

If you know you're being emotionally abused, please get out.  If you can't bring yourself to leave, seek help so that you can make that choice and follow through.  Don't allow yourself to be changed, wrecked, and trampled underfoot by someone who only sees you as a supply source for their needs.  Listen to your instincts, and if you're in a new relationship.. PLEASE make sure you're able to assess your current situation and know the difference between normal crap people usually deal with in relationships, and those things that are red flags.  There is a difference between abusive and irritating, annoying, even disrespectful.  But if you don't have the information you need you may not be able to tell the difference.

I'm tired.  Very tired.  And pushing the past back down into the abyss is exhausting.  Time to chill out, watch tv or focus on something other than the crap I'm dealing with.

Til next time...