Deep down inside is where it counts. You can put on a pretty face to the world, smile and laugh and be funny and the center of attention. But does that mean you're happy, or that you're simply faking it in hopes that you make it? I won't sit here and speak for anyone, but observations from my past tells me that the latter is most likely true for most people who believe they can pretend to be happy until it 'sticks.' Whatever. As for me, I want genuine happiness, the lasting kind that can and will get you through tough times. Because you know what? There WILL be tough times. You know it, and I know it.
Arm yourself with reality.
On the flip side of those who bury the bad too deep to see or feel or acknowledge (much less fix) there's the ones who really are quite oblivious to what's going on around them. In that state they're able to be happy because they're "blissfully unaware" of any peril. Until, that is, they find themselves sliding off the cliff, which does eventually happen when you're not paying attention.
T is that second type. He's blissfully unaware, happily unaware, of all the things that change everything in his world. Only he doesn't see the changes and is often surprised when he catches glimpses of them. While he fails to recognize what it is he's facing when this happens, he's lost to my words when I try to explain that this was ultimately foretold to him.. that he was warned that he's unplugged and indifferent and that, eventually, it will catch up to him in ways he absolutely won't like.
It makes me tired defending myself. It wears me down having to explain myself, which I don't have to do that often with T at all because he's really just kind of 'not there' for me. He's not mean, as I've said in the past. He's just incredibly indifferent and blind. And oh trust me, there are far worse things he could be. Even so, it wears me down to the bone always playing chase---chasing him to point out his surroundings, so to speak.
It's an uphill battle for me. But at least 'uphill' means you're climbing to the top of the mountain, a great place to see EVERYTHING.
I'm dealing with intense nausea and back pain today, so I'm not in the best mood. I'm not angry or anything. I simply just don't feel well at all and can see my day stretching ahead of me with me stretched out on the sofa or bed and wishing with all I am that this nausea passes. Hating it, I'm telling you. Hating it with all I am.
But hey.. I'm still breathing, right?
And today... I can honestly say that I really could care less if T is plugged in at all. He's working from home today, which he can do on occasion, but I don't have to deal with him really because he's in his office. Too sick to care what's going on around me at this time.
Sick and tired of being sick and tired and living amongst a world of indifference.
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