A person is only as good as their word; don't you agree? But the HUMAN side of us also understands that there WILL be times when 'shit just happens,' and we have to recognize the difference between us wanting someone to keep their word.. and being a complete and total CONTROL FREAK. Now that's another pet peeve of mine--control freaks. But I'll get to the latter in a bit. Right now, I need to get something off my chest.
Not unlike many, I have a long history of being subjected to those who frequently break their word. It isn't always presented as a 'promise,' mind you, but it's still important to follow through when you can. When you can. Hey, I know all too well how things can change in the blink of an eye, and it stands to reason that when shit happens, things change. We have to amend the course of our day and intentions and make room for whatever that unexpected change demands from us. Right? I mean, this is life on planet earth, folks, so we sometimes have to take a chill pill if something doesn't quite go our way. Seriously.
In the past I've been held to an unbelievably rigid set of rules when it comes to relationships. Needless to say, I've ended up with a couple of complete control freaks who attempted (with some success, unfortunately) to micromanage my life and time; totally fault, because I allowed it to happen. But given that information, there is also the other side to this coin, and that's the real point. At some point you have to at least make every effort to keep your word, even when it's inconvenient.
Last night, right before bed, I learned T broke his word to me on something and failed to tell me about it, failed to discuss it with me, and most importantly.. he didn't bring the problem to my attention so we could talk about the decision that HE would ultimately make. The actual subject matter doesn't matter, trust me, so I'm focusing on the act itself, which is really the most important part.
Bottom line: if you're going to tell me you're going to do something, either DO IT or talk to me about why you can't, won't, etc. How is that difficult? It's really not. In my case, I can completely understand when something doesn't happen the way I expect it to.. if people TALK to me about it!
Last night was a mess, a complete and total mess. Feeling disrespected has become a part of my life again, and with it nastiness from the past. I don't like the parallels, though this situation is really more about someone's utter emotional and moral laziness than actual cruelty. No, the cruelty was the past situation, by far.
My past situation, as you guys know by now if you've read my other blogs, was very dark, very toxic, especially at the end. I was held accountable for everything that went wrong in the relationship, and I was also held responsible for FIXING everything that was wrong in the relationship. And according to him, "I" was what was wrong; who I am, who I want to be, how I lived, what I liked/disliked, and virtually EVERYTHING about me... was all wrong (according to him) and needed 'fixing.' Without repeating how damaging that was to me, I will say that the experience opened my eyes to a few things, including (but not limited to) the unreasonable expectations of selfish people.
The unreasonable expectations of selfish people.
It took me a long time to say those words. I don't like slapping labels or judgment on anyone, especially someone I love/d. And I very much did love that person at the time. I loved him so much I was blind to what was happening, to what and who he really was, and how utterly controlled I was during that time. The idea that so much could be demanded of me never occurred to me in the beginning. The idea that I would be shackled to everything I said never occurred to me. The idea that there was NO ROOM for error, NO ROOM for life, NO ROOM for 'shit to happen' also never occurred to me. I was utterly blinded by emotion. And yet, I did everything in my power to agree to everything, and to push myself beyond what was reasonable in order to accommodate his every wish and command.
Over time, and as my health became worse, the narrative began to change, and my own personal story with it. Sick, tired, in desperate need of rest, sleep, peace, tranquility.. I continued to do what was asked. Over time, the toll on my body, mind, self-esteem, all of me really, was severe and debilitating at times. And eventually... I didn't feel good at all. My happiness and joy dulled and faded into nearly nothing.
The valuable lessons learned:
Love yourself enough to expect people to keep their word to you WHEN THEY CAN.
Love THEM enough to know they're human and shit happens sometimes.
Love...
Just love...
Last night was, in part, a by-product of recent history. I'm not allowing myself to be controlled, either by force or by coercion. And yes, I know the difference ALL too well; this is a good thing, btw. I can recognize when people are doing their best, when they're trying, and I can also recognize when they're being total lazy assholes. And guess what, ALL of us have our moments of being total lazy assholes. Humility says... don't be so damn self-important that you think YOUR needs exceeds that of another.
Involve the other person in the dialogue when things change IF you have any warning that they will change. Involve that other person in the dialogue when, even AFTER the fact, you can't keep your word for any reason. But dammit, be freaking PATIENT, because honestly.. the world doesn't evolve just around you (using the word "You" loosely here, folks).
I recognized last night the extent to where the dialogue didn't include me, leaving me to once again feel disrespected to a large large degree. I wasn't included when things changed, was told nothing at all. In fact, the worst of it was that I know had "I" not brought the subject up... it wouldn't have been brought up at all. And let's be clear, there was a timeline on this situation.
No, I'm not prepared to be unreasonable about this or any other thing, and I will still continue to make respect one of the most important factors in ANY relationship I have with ANYONE and everyone. And it really has to go both ways.
I got it out of my system and spoke my mind. T understands full well what happened and how NOT keeping his word or involving me in the dialogue when things change makes ALL the difference between treating me with respect or not.
It's a tiresome topic, really, and I'm not saying the actual topic of respect is tiresome. Rather I am saying that I shouldn't have to always be asking for respect and pointing out the lack of it. I also know that, like the past situation, if I keep quiet and say and do nothing for myself, then I'm doomed to allow the damage to continue, to lose my self-esteem and self-respect in the process. And you know what? I'm just not willing to go there again.
Keep your word when you can.
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