Not Now!

Yesterday was really hard.  Whether it be from the big jump in Azathioprine dosage, the actual AI issues I'm dealing with still, or a combination of that and more, the result is finding myself in bed by about 5pm.  The nausea, the lower back pain when I stand and walk, the weak and achy limbs, and the absolute NEED for peace, comfort, calm... these are the things that made up the entirety of my day yesterday.  I still tried to post in my blogs, but I have to admit I had a very difficult time in doing so.  A VERY difficult time.

Coffee has been the driving force to what all I do on any given day, and many times (like yesterday) it wasn't of much use.  Tastes good, though!  It's one of my few indulgences.  Still, I really wish I didn't have to use caffein to make it through the first half of my day.

I'm having some trouble organizing my thoughts today, so bear with me...

In the midst of the health issues T still fails to recognize the importance of avoiding conflict.  He knows, and only because I've told him, that just being on the prednisone alone lowers my tolerance for stress.  Prednisone suppresses the immune system, and it also suppresses cortisol... the anti-stress hormone.  Yes, the Pred is on board, but both adrenalin and cortisol can't swoop in and save the day now.  What this leaves me with is having to deal directly with the anxiety and stress brought about by, well, to be blunt... absolutely stupid crap.  I'm sorry, but I'm all for picking one's battles, something T doesn't and won't do with any care or forethought.

Not paying attention when I say something, tuning me out, etc... forces me to constantly repeat myself.  It's tiresome, and it drains me to have to do this.  I've taken to just saying "Nevermind" in response most of the time, because it really just isn't worth it to have to constantly repeat things.

Knowing what I face every day does little to help me feel better, positive, upbeat, and hopeful.  I know that the Battle-To-Be-Heard is a daily one, and one that tears me down on a day basis.  I often wonder which is worse--dealing with a narcissist, or dealing with someone who, for all practical purposes, just isn't present most of the time.  I don't think either is a good choice, at least not for me.

The only thing I can do now is minimize my exposure to those situations, the ones where I'm not heard, where IMPORTANT information is forgotten, where I drag myself through most conversations because the other person isn't plugged-in.  I have only one real defense in this case... and that's just to say... "Not now!"

"Not now!"

It will have to do...