I know I've mentioned before that I stopped therapy shortly before I moved. Being 3 hours away from my therapist meant, well, that commute just wouldn't have worked out for me. She was great, and I appreciate all she did for me, but there were some issues with that therapist (not a psychologist btw) that eventually brought me to a place where I didn't trust her much anymore. One example is that she told me that the heart arrhythmia I'd had my whole life, discovered as a child and getting MUCH worse as an adult.. simply was in my head. As it turned out, as many of you who've been reading my blogs for a while, is that I had cardiac ablation for THREE arrythmias, all dangerous in that they can cause stroke and heart failure if left untreated. I'd had a TIA (mini stroke) in 2013 (early) that should've been a red flag for the doctors, but not having health insurance meant I had few options available to me for proper diagnosis and treatment. Still, the last few sessions I had with my therapist she'd mentioned that what I thought was my heart wasn't real. Yet it was, and it was discovered when I finally got insurance and wore a heart event monitor.. where they detected SVT, AFib, and atrial flutter.
Moving on, I've not been back to a therapist since. Not because Beverly didn't believe me when I talked to her about my health (because she ASKED), but because I just don't have the time or energy or stamina or strength to take on yet one more appointment. Eventually I will pursue another therapist, because I've yet to find a convincing way to get myself past the damage done by an ex, a narcissist.
So be it.
At least once a week I search for new information. Well, that's not entirely true.. and it's not really 'new' information as much as new articles, patient/victim accounts via article or video. I'm looking and seeking as all others like me are for answers and explanations, or just a way to make sense of the senseless. And when I talk about this topic, when I drudge up the memories, when I have to face it again... even if by my own choice... I'm still left with that unsettling feeling that I really need to understand, despite there really being no way to do so; this in and of itself is part of the damage.
And still I seek answers. And still I talk. And still I share. And still I remember because forgetting isn't an option.
I am able to observe the pieces of the chaos and see the big picture. Everything I went through had an absolute pattern, even if I didn't see it then. It wasn't at all random, and it was very much the M.O. of a malignant narcissist. Not having the knowledge at the time only made more of a mess in my head and in my life, which is usually the case when you've not been around someone like that before. Yet, I have been around someone like that before; my mom. I won't go into that here, but I have spoken about it in the past. At this time, however, it's rather outside the scope of what I'm addressing at the moment.
It's easy for a narcissist to make you feel unloved, unwanted, and ultimately discarded as worthless and of no use. In fact, MY narcissist told me I had no use in his life. What shocked me at the time was all the demands he made, the type of demands one asks only of their GF or wife. I wasn't useful any longer because I'd stopped being his narcissistic supply, something I've talked a great deal about in my other blogs... because I'd not created this blog just yet. Anyway, feeling unloved, unwanted, and unappreciated was the very foundation of my relationship with that person. While pushed away, ignored, yelled at, yet charged with the task of holding the relationship together solely on my own, my spirit withered beneath the onslaught. When you love someone you will do whatever it takes to make sure they're happy. The difference between someone with a strong, health self-esteem and someone like me is that... I continued to do 'whatever' to my own detriment, whereas a stronger woman would have told that person to F off early on.
I didn't recognize what I was dealing with until it was too late.
For those who know, for those who've been where I've been, you know all too well how this thing plays out. Bringing on the charm, saying and doing all the right things at first, looking all too good to be true, you fall, and you fall hard. Not having the energy to rehash the details, I'll just say that people can only hold the false persona for only so long, and when the mask begins to slip... you're already in too deep to see what's behind it.
In my case I was completely and totally heads-over-heels in love. I would've done anything for this person and ended up doing things I wouldn't' ordinarily do. I'll leave it at that. And it added to the damage in the long run. Still, I didn't SEE. Still, I remained blind as hell. Maybe by choice, I'm thinking, because I didn't want THAT to be true.
As time passed and I was shown that I would always have to prove myself, prove my love for him, and then eventually prove that I was deserving of him, his love, his attention. I was punished if I didn't do EXACTLY what he wanted, asked, or demanded. I was punished for having my own mind and thoughts and wants and needs, dreams, passions. I was punished by the withdrawal of love, affection, even sex. Seriously. No joke. Stonewalling alternating with gaslighting began to wreck me from the inside out, and I was so oblivious to what was happening. I knew it was SO very wrong what was happening, but I was told it was solely MY fault for SO long and so many times that I eventually began to believe it myself. I was to blame. For everything.
My character was questioned and criticized. My body was criticized. The way I dressed, the way I looked, how much I weighed, what I ate or didn't eat, how long it took me to get ready to go somewhere, how long it took me to put on makeup or do my hair or take a shower, if I needed to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night; there wasn't anything sacred and it wall fair game when it came to criticism.
This wore on me for a very long time, and as the years passed I no longer recognized who I was anymore. Being told to change nearly EVERYTHING about me, then being told I'd changed completely and was as perfect a reason as anything to break up with me... split my spirit right down the middle. I'd let this go on for far too long, and again.. because I didn't recognize what I was dealing with until it was too late.
Today I still deal with the damage. Today I still look for ways to understand. Today is a new day filled with beginnings that are often crushed by this undercurrent of doubt that I can't quite calm. So I look, read, listen, watch, and I try to remind myself that it wasn't all for nothing, that I learned something very important along the way. But nothing is really healed. Not yet. And this is why I talk about this on a regular basis, why I created a blog specifically for this purpose, this topic. Because I'm not the only one dealing with this.
Sooner or later the scales will tip and my life will be back in balance. It's difficult to obtain that balance when you still struggle with reminding yourself who and what you are, trying to split the lies from the truth, trying to put the pieces of your spirt back together again, and all the while trying to hush the echoes of hateful words that can't be unheard.
Living with a chronic illness doesn't help, but it does remind me how important getting your balance back is in the great scheme of things. Healing the damage will bring ease to my spirit, comfort to my soul, and inner kindness back to the broken me once again. It's okay to be broken, btw. Broken doesn't mean you deserve less love, less respect, or less opportunity to be who you are.
.... more to come....
Need to rest...
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