Now, we've all heard the phrase.. "I can't change anyone else, but I CAN change ME." And yes, that's true. But what this phrase doesn't address is how OTHERS can also change us! In fact, it's the words and behaviors of others that do the most damage, or the most good, and it's often done with little effort on your part as a 'receiver' because while you may be ignoring, making excuses for, or actively doing whatever it takes to protect yourself... those words and behaviors touch your subconscious. And this often happens in the most insidious of ways. If you're dealing with someone who is NOT concerned about your best interest, OR you're dealing with a narcissist, then you're going to be in BIG trouble, my friend. VERY big trouble.
Will I ever really heal?
I can't give an exact timeline, if there actually IS one, but I can keep moving can't I? Can't I just keep moving like what's wounded is more like a muscle than my entire soul? Won't this make it better in time, all this moving, shifting, changing? While I can't answer the questions myself, the fact that I'm asking them means I'm still heading towards healing. At least that's the way "I" see it.
Does this moving involve pushing down what I know is damage done, or does it mean I simply find a way to navigate around it through the course of my everyday life? Now this is something I may or may not be able to figure out over time, but my thinking at the moment is that, at least for now, moving definitely means navigating around the damage I know is there, what is hurting. All this shifting about to find a comfortable 'position' within myself only works for a short time, not much unlike when you've been sitting too long. It does help for a little while.
Why not sugar-coat what is, put on the rose-colored glasses, numb the pain, the truth... just numb it all? Because that's just one more tiresome temporary solution. What I need is a final, definitive cure to the deep wounds within. Isn't that what anyone wants when they come out of a dark situation? Of course. Why not? We can long for, desire, and obtain (eventually) that which we deserve---freedom from pain and a gain of our self, whole, and undamaged as possible.
The side effects of being with a narcissist are far-reaching, undeniable, and long lasting. Even out of the relationship they plague everything, poison the good, and pinch the wounds that refuse to heal. They linger in the very air we breathe at times, even when we're not aware of it. At least that's how it is with me. Then suddenly they come crashing through again, ultimately pushing me back to square one for a time. It's always there. We don't forget. "I" don't forget. I can't forget. The scars are a part of me now.
I still deal with it because I have to. Or rather... I don't really DEAL with those side effects; it's more like I ENDURE them. I mean, isn't that what most of us do until we, well, don't?
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