I need my time to myself this morning. T has a short day today, and while I love the guy... he's not the easiest person to be around, as you guys already know if you've read my other posts. That being said, I'm attempting to get myself in the right frame of mind for what I know is to come over the next few days. I'm happy that he gets these paid 4 day holiday weekends--he deserves it. But when he's home it creates a lot of work, tension, anxiety in me because of his lack of drive, ambition, dedication... to getting ANYTHING done at home. There's just so much to be done, and none of it's getting done unless I do it. And let's face it, these days.. I can't do all that much. When I DO... I OVERDO, and it sets me back for days on end when I have to pick up the slack.
I need time to heal. I've asked for time to heal. Not that I'm sitting on my ass, mind you, because all I do is unpack, organize, arrange, put away, clean up, shuffle stuff about, deal with deliveries, moving boxes, and then stressing over the bigger jobs that are beyond me right now. Things like a very large yard that needs serious attention, hiring someone to move the mountain of boxes from moving and deliveries (we're in a location where the city doesn't do this). I feel right now as if the walls are closing in...
I need the walls to open up, which is why we moved here. The view is spectacular, the neighborhood private and quiet. And yet... inside this house there is anxiety. For me anyway. T could really care less about anything but his work. All of his attention and diligence is put forth at work (desk job, btw, as he's a senior programmer and quality control expert), so when he gets home... bam! That inner switch of his goes straight to auto-pilot.
If I were healthy and energetic I would simply assume the role of 'everything' here at home. But I honestly don't know how long I could keep that up and be happy with my life. I want a partner in life, not someone who uses me as a maid, mom, and general 'handy man' type girl. I can't do it. It's not me. We're not in a Leave it to Beaver episode, and I won't assume the role of June Cleaver, who.. by the way was respected and treated well by her husband. Given that, I am left to make the decision to develop my own life fully and totally outside of this relationship until it becomes more like an actual relationship and one based on trust and respect.
Bottom line here is that I don't trust anyone who doesn't treat me with respect.
In the meantime I keep on keepin' on and will continue to do so until I feel it's taking more of me and my life, happiness, and sanity. Then, and only then will I make the final decision to cut myself free, to spend my wings, to gain my dignity and wings back again.
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