Narcissist Much?

Narcissists.  I've not talked about this subject in some time.  The unfortunate truth is that I still struggle to get past the damage that was done and find it interfering even to this day with day to day life.  I had a good head start in the right direction with a therapist who helped me identify with what I was dealing with in a relationship, but that head start was only just that.  Sadly, the past is catching up to me as I feel myself and my life slowing due to illness.  I can no longer emotionally run or sprint to stay ahead of what still lurks behind in my past.

I won't go into the whole narcissist explanation again, and frankly I'm not well enough to deal with revisiting my experiences.  There are tons of articles and videos about the subject if you need more information.  Not that I won't visit or talk about this topic again, because I will.  Just not right now, not today.

My point here today is to warn anyone in a relationship with a narcissist that if they don't get out soon.. the effects of the experiences will be with you and possibly forever.  Your time and life, who you are as a person is precious and more fragile than you'd ever realize without that smack up side your head.  Not all needs that smack, but... I certainly did, and I regret very much NEEDING that to make me do the right thing and protect myself, to admit that I'm worth protecting.

As much as I avoid it I sometimes look back and feel such regret that I allowed myself to be emotionally beaten to a pulp.  Some may say I shouldn't 'go there,' that I shouldn't revisit such experiences, but to that I would have to say---it's important that I don't forget.  Whatever compelled me to abandon myself that way, the HORRIBLE self-esteem created by a strange childhood life experiences left me more vulnerable than I could've imagined.  My vulnerability to certain emotionally dangerous elements did a tremendous amount of damage, leaving me to accept, NEEDING to accept the fact that I was completely unprepared to defend myself.

My health began to go downhill at the very start of my experience.  Dealing with the insidious nature of another's narcissistic personality was draining, frightening, confusing, bewildering, and it left me absolutely questioning who I am.  That weakened state took hold, and fed by chronic stress and anxiety grew and eroded my health.  It's almost impossible to turn this off once it takes hold and takes control over you.  Just don't let it happen.  I wish I hadn't.

Even today I have to fight with the damage the experience left inside, the razor-sharp doubt that cuts strategically away at my happiness and health.  Many times I'm successful with shoving it all into the bowels of my subconscious.... but it's there, always there, always watching and waiting for me to let my guard down.

The message is to myself and to you.  If you deal with it now or have in the past... love yourself more than you loved that other person.  Love yourself more than you fear that other person.  Love yourself enough to get out and get help, because there's nothing more important than protecting yourself and your health.

I'm hurting too much to keep typing, so.... if you're curious or unsure if you're dealing with or living with a narcissist... don't assume you think you can recognize it even if your face to face with it.  Read about it, and watch the numerous videos out there about this subject.

One suggestion: Read about and watch videos regarding "Gaslighting," and if you recognize it as something being done to you---get out fast!