Giving praise to my narcissist was easy in the beginning because I saw this funny, handsome, romantic guy who said and did all the right things. I mean, this is how we end up falling in love, isn't it? We see their personality traits and love what we see and hear, and over time it endears them to us. I mean, how can it not? And I'm not talking about what that person says about who WE are, but rather those things that show us who THEY ARE. HUGE difference.
Anyone who's been with a narcissist knows that they project this image to the outside world, and to US at first, as exceedingly charming, funny, lovely people! We discover later on, when forced to learn about narcissists, that this is absolutely necessary for their survival, that they NEED that supply of praise and adulation, even worship. But we also know that when the mask begins to slip we get glimpse of the other thing lurking beneath, the very thing that will end up devouring our lives, our spirits, our health and vitality, our sense of self-worth.
I still have some fond thoughts about my ex, but in keeping them within proper perspective I know those fond feelings are misplaced, misguided, that they're feelings for an IDEAL. In many ways this discovery left me to withholding real praise for the person I'm with. I have to actively participate in my own inner-functions, that is to say I have to be extremely mindful that I'm not purposely holding back for fear of things turning out the same as they did with my narcissist.
Oh, I do know better. But my current relationship isn't without it's issues, some of them serious. Be that as it may, I'm in perpetual self-preservation mode. Not surprising what I've gone through.
My finally speaking openly about my experience with a narcissist has helped me tremendously in more ways than I thought possible. But I've a very long way to go, and I'm not sure I'm willing to let go of those protective inner resources I've obtained along the way. I'm sure I still need to talk to a therapist to finish dealing with the experience, and in time I will.
You see, in all honesty, I know I won't ever be the same person again. Not exactly. I can repair what's broken, but I can't replace what's gone. And who knows, maybe what I 'think' is 'gone' is actually just tucked away in a safe place inside, waiting for healing. I can certainly be on board with such a possibility, because it's far better than having to mourn something totally lost.
Praise. It's not something I received much of in my life, especially growing up, but it was also something I never really needed. For me, praise wasn't what I needed, but APPROVAL. I'm completely aware of this, and I'm somewhat okay with that. And I'm comfortable with GIVING praise to others. It actually comes easily for me. But what of the 'demanded praise' required by a narcissist?
Narcissistic Supply; what an absolutely ugly term to use on oneself. Yet, I had to. HAVE to. If I'm not completely honest with myself about this, I'm lost. So here I am, realizing that for the person I fell head over heals in love with... I was nothing more than that supply to feed his ego, his bottomless need.
When the emotional abuse became too much, praise for him became exceedingly difficult, then eventually... impossible; We all have our breaking points. When my usefulness had run out, he began to demand praise--to be right, the authority on all I was and should be, or could never be, the walking encyclopedia of absolutely everything, the expert on my life. Anything other than acceptance and agreement of all his criticisms of me was met with hatefulness, withdrawal of love, stonewalling, more criticism, usually ending in gas lighting to throw me off balance. This cycle was never-ending after a time, and it hollowed out the vibrant parts of me with all its energy-sapping and relentless battering.
"You're right" had eventually revealed itself as the bitter lie it was.
"You're amazing" became a weapon he ultimately used against me.
"I love you" became yet another weapon to use against me, and he did it often.
"I miss you" was met with an ugly retort that somehow missing him meant I was "Selfish."
"You're so smart" became one of his favorite reasons to belittle me, with constant 'reminders' of how he was so much smarter.
He required praise, but it was usually tucked away in his arsenal to be used against me whenever the mood struck him---and it often did in just about every situation.
I didn't have to defend myself; but I didn't know this then. And when I discovered my error in having defended myself for too many years to this person, it was almost too late. So much damage done. So damn much damage done.
I guess today is just a day when I'm finding I need to deal with this a bit more, to purge, to get it off my chest.
Now, some of you have asked WHO it is I'm talking about, which of my ex's... well, I'm not saying. It's not about pointing fingers, but about sharing what I've gone and am going through as a result in hopes it helps someone else.
Now, on to eat some lunch....
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