I've previously discussed "Narcissistic Supply" and what it means, but in short I will simply say it's basically a narcissist using another human being in order to feel superior, better-than. That's WAY oversimplifying, but you probably get the point if you're actually WITH a narcissist.
NOTE: You'll ONLY be valued by a narcissist when you're fulfilling the narcissistic need (aka, when you're actually and literally 'narcissistic supply'). The devaluation period begins when you're no longer that supply and the narcissist is bored and actively looking for his next supply. This more times than not happens WHILE you're still with them, because they have to secure their next supply before getting rid of the old supply that is no longer giving them what they need. They can't really be left without a supply of any kind so often, though not always, end up finding someone new (a replacement) while still in the relationship with you. This is VERY common, by the way.
Clues you're being replaced as a narcissist's supply:
The signs are not unlike any other 'normal' situation where someone becomes bored in the relationship, cheats on you, etc. But there are critical differences between a normal 'cheating' or 'falling out of love with' situation and that of where a narcissist is seeking a new supply.
All the usual fare applies here, with some uniquely different additions and twists:
1. Calling and texting less/communication sees difficult or impossible, which is ultimately blamed on you.
2. Picking fights, usually on a daily basis, often resulting in his/her not speaking to you for days (stonewalling), which is ultimately blamed on you.
3. Constant criticism, which is ultimately blamed on you.
4. Constant comparing and contrasting you to ex's or others the narcissist is interested in, which is ultimately blamed on you.
5. Sex becomes something that feels 'unnatural' to you. Now this is a tough one, because narcissists rarely ever have "normal" sex. In fact, during sex they are usually disconnected and unable to perform unless stimulated in another way outside of the sex itself. And outside of sheer 'performance' a narcissist cannot "make love."
But when your narcissist is looking for another source of supply the sex becomes such that it often leaves the 'supply' turned off, repelled, and bewildered. This is a dangerous stage, because the resulting psychological and emotional damage can be long-lasting. And like everything else bad that happens with your narcissist.. this is ultimately blamed on you.
6. Demands become either more in number, and/or stranger in nature. Usually this falls under the heading of all things sexual, but it requires a separate notation here because of its complexity in where it actually separates itself from actual 'sex.' Let's suffice it to say that the demands for things such as sexually explicit photos, videos, performances, and information increase in number. You find yourself barely able to find the time to do the things in your life that need doing, to take any time at all for yourself, to do anything for yourself, including relaxing... because the narcissist is, at this point, attempting to extract a supply that you can no longer provide. Either your emotional state has deteriorated (depression, anxiety) to a point where you simply cannot be the plaything any longer, or if your self-esteem is intact enough... you simply WILL NOT be that supply any longer. In both cases you probably have no idea what you're dealing with or how to define it. And again, you will ultimately be blamed for the narcissist's behavior and increase in his/her 'needs.'
7. Your time is no longer respected. This is one of the hardest traits you'll have to deal with when it comes to being with a narcissist. As YOU are devalued, so is everything in your life. Your own needs will be offered up to you as 'selfish,' no matter if it's eating, sleeping, working, hobbies, leisure activities, your faith (church, etc.), and even your pets and family. At this point your narcissist no longer really sees you as a human being deserving of respect, care, compassion or love.
Your inability to supply the narcissist's ever-increasing demands/needs renders you irrelevant. THIS is absolutely CRITICAL for you to recognize, because if you don't recognize and deal with this (by LEAVING) it can destroy your physical and emotional wellbeing. When things have reached this level of deterioration it is NECESSARY for you to get out! You are going to be discarded eventually, so it makes no sense to stay. Thing is, you'll probably not recognize what's happening unless you're made aware---which is what I'm doing now. You will ultimately be blamed for all of this.
8. Constant reminders that you can be replaced. This is often said with a dark tone of warning, but it also can be presented in a flippant manner, both meant to hurt and worry you, to make you question your role and responsibility in the situation. In a NORMAL and HEALTHY relationship the person who is unhappy, falling out of love, etc. will usually just break up with you and leave the situation, and they often will leave in a way that is as least damaging to you. Healthy breakups between emotionally healthy people aren't HAPPY affairs, but a certain amount of respect is normally sought in the situation. When a narcissist wants to leave, however, he/she does it in such a way as to leave you as hurt and broken as possible. You will ultimately be blamed for this.
9. You find yourself increasingly responsible for the relationship and shown how inept you are at the job. This is really a killer of self-esteem and self-worth for those dealing with a narcissist. Because narcissists aren't really people pleasers, they often seek out those who are. They don't really feel compassion or actual love, so they seek those who DO feel those things, and strongly. They also seek out those damaged just enough to be malleable. With this combination, when the narcissist begins to look for a replacement for you (looking for a new supply), the devaluation period becomes fraught with many, many demands, often ones that are nearly impossible to meet. And.. the relationship APPEARS to deteriorate before your eyes. But it's an illusion.
The relationship, like the narcissist, was always based on what you 'thought' was real but was merely a facade. Once the facade begins to crack and crumble away, once the narcissist's mask begins to slip and ultimately drop... the truth of the situation reveals itself. Sadly, you'll begin to frantically try to patch the cracks and decay, to help the narcissist replace the mask you fell in love with. This can never be done, though, and as the relationship becomes depressing, disconnected, chaotic, not only will the narcissist blame you for this, you will end up blaming yourself. He/she has groomed you from the beginning for this very moment.
Over time your self-esteem was whittled away at, and at some point hacked away recklessly and with wanton abandon by the same person who once made you feel like you mattered. This is the worst part of the devaluation period, a time in which you will ultimately be blamed for the hurt and damaged inflicted upon you by the narcissist.
10. You will notice more frequently that the narcissist is accusing YOU of exactly what he/she is doing, often at the time you're being accused. THIS is one of the most tell-tale signs you're dealing with a narcissist, btw---projection. It happens early on as well, but you're in the throes of falling in love and being mostly gushed mover, pampered perhaps, and made to 'feel loved.' Here is when, in a perfect world, we would recognize that we are falling in love with an IDEAL and make haste of getting far far away.
.................................
I've chosen not to list everything, because the list really is quite long. All of these warning signs overlap because they're all connected, and they also share one key component: blame. You will be ultimately blamed for every mistake, every problem, every single thing that goes wrong in the relationship. And all the 'right' things, the seemingly 'good' things, well, those will be the things your narcissist will take credit for. Don't fall for it.
Here's the part where I talk to you frankly, as a person with experience:
Look, I'm no expert, and I've no degree in psychology. I can't analyze anyone, but what I can do is analyze their BEHAVIOR. As human beings without degrees in psychology that's all we can do, it's what we MUST do; that, and practice the skill of discernment.
We cannot be blamed for what was done to us by a narcissist. Their malignant self-love leaves no room for them to feel compassion, so they inflict pain, and they hurt us emotionally, sometimes physically, and they have no true self-restraint. There is NOTHING at all that we can do to make it stop, to change them. They are what they are, and in the RARE event they recognize they have a problem they can seek and obtain help, even change and become a better, kinder, more compassionate person. But WE cannot change them, ever. And we MUST NOT EVER blame ourselves for what they are.
My college honors psych classes didn't prepare me for dealing with this personally, but seeing a therapist DID give me a tremendous amount of insight, and it helped me understand what part of me made me vulnerable to these personality types. It can help you too. Why suffer when you don't have to?
Am I healed? No. Not completely. I would benefit from finding another therapist. I'm in a new city and just haven't searched for a therapist to replace the last. But again, I also have been telling myself that I understand now and am okay.
But I'm not okay.
You see, breaking up with a narcissist is ugly business. Not because you've broken up, but because you've broken up with an IDEAL. How the hell do you say goodbye to an IDEAL? You can't. And because of this you never really get to say goodbye, to obtain that much-needed closure!
You can't say goodbye to someone who never existed to begin with.
Please understand that I'm not devaluing that person as a human being or saying that they as a person didn't exist, wasn't or isn't deserving of love, respect, etc. They absolutely did and DO! But the "Someone" I'm referring to DIDN'T exist, and that was the person who wore the mask, built the facade, then tore it all down because I never mattered as a person. Do you understand? It's not easy to describe something so utterly complicated.
I have to accept every day that I was just narcissistic supply to someone I loved deeply, fully, and unconditionally.
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