You're killing everything I feel about you...

Weekends are the worst.  It's when T is home and there's no escape from the relentless indifference, complaining, and overt half-assing anything done.  I suppose it's just easier to talk myself into believing all the excuses I make for him, rather than face the facts head-on and acknowledge what I know with all that I am.  This is one of the greatest discomforts I know in terms of relationships; having to accept when you're holding the entire weight of the relationship on your shoulders.

Fuck that.

I've spent my entire life making excuses for the way some have treated me, and now is no exception.  Haven't I learned enough to know better by now?  Perhaps.  But putting what you know into action isn't always possible when you're in an impossible situation.  My goal of getting my health back is absolutely critical in changing my life, my world, and moving forward out of this absolutely 'stuck' situation I'm in.

I'm grateful for what I have.  I'm grateful I have a place to live.  I'm grateful God has made it so my life isn't a complete train wreck.  As I sit here in the wake of yet another blatant display of compassionless rhetoric from T... I know that things, for me, could be 100% better.  It's getting there that's going to take the most work.

So what's happened?  Well, my son hurt his back and has gone to the ER twice in the past two weeks.  He's been told he'll need surgery, but his insurance won't kick in until January.  He's still able to work, but when the pain is out of control, when it's difficult for him to walk... he misses work.  His boss is great, loves him and the work he does when there.  He's actually a shining star in that respect and has been since day 1 on the job.  But in the meantime, while his wife attends college full-time, while the two kids' needs for school, etc. must be met, paying the cell phone bill plummets to the bottom of the list titled "necessities."  Even I get this.  Still, T has to bitch and complain, while my son and his wife stress.  My son was diagnosed with a bleeding ulcer and high BP almost a year ago, and stress, anxiety is NOT his friend.  To say the least.

We put them on our family plan, because the cost isn't really all that different from when they had their crappy phones on that crappy network they used to have.  But you know what?  Shit happens.  And family is supposed to help family.  My son was there for me SO many times, and now.. it's time for me to be there for him.  He asks for nothing.  He's humble about the situation he's in, and from time to time he's expressed how ashamed he is that things have gotten this way.  I assure him that 'shit happens' and that helping is what family does.  It's always been this way.  He still feels awful, but honestly.. he shouldn't.

When T whines and complains about having to cover their part of the cell phone bill.. it changes how I feel about him.  T's greatest love in his life is money.  It's true.  And while it's all well and good to be practical and do all the right things, financially, it's more important to do the right things by family.  This isn't a long-term situation, so listening to him whine and complain literally kills what I feel for him.  What's left, that is.  Nice job, T.

Have I told him this?  Yes.  Point-blank, up-front, no political correctness, no sugar-coating anything. I'm not cruel or mean about it, but I make absolutely certain that I get my point across.

I've tried to show him how his actions and words, or lack thereof, hurts others.  I've shown him understanding (at first), patience (at first), and have done everything I could to help... always with love and kindness.  I'm now at a place where I no longer am willing to do the work for him.  He's a grown man and has to make up his own mind who and what he wants to be; an asshole, or a good man.  The first takes no effort, while the second takes absolute effort; being attentive to others while also being aware of one's words, deeds, and even motives.

It really all boils down to ONE major thing:  Love is a verb.

So here I sit in the garden of decay, loving T much less each time he chooses indifference, lack of compassion or understanding, every single time he chooses bitching over an act of love.

I'm quickly edging towards feeling absolutely nothing for T.  He knows.  He complains about that, too.  But he refuses to look at himself, what he does and doesn't do, and makes NO effort to be that better person.

I'm so damn tired of this, and I am left completely unimpressed.

I'm turned on by gentlemen, and gentlemanly behaviors.  Leaving one's morality, decency, and humanity completely unchecked is a MASSIVE turnoff for me, no matter WHO you are.