It takes a minute

The weekends are tough.  Living with an indifferent person is difficult, especially when you don't have a space to which you can retreat and gather your thoughts.  At the moment this house is filled with boxes--moving time is near.  The new house is larger, and I will have my own space/room that I can use as I see fit.  It will become a place for art, contemplation, even sleep if I need to just be alone.  Well, there's no 'IF' about that.  Still, as the weekends bring opportunity for unpleasant events... I wonder how long this body will hold out.  No, I'm not being melodramatic.  As the situation worsens, so does my health, leaving me with little to no quality of life.

This past weekend wasn't unlike any other, just one more group of days where indifference and disrespect remain a solid foundation on which I have to exist.  When I try hard enough, work hard enough, I can get myself past the feelings that this brings forth.  It takes a minute.

Tomorrow I'm going in for a liver biopsy.  T's first question when hearing I have to have this done is... "Do I have to be there?"  This, like so many other utterances, behaviors, etc., did NOT exactly endear him to me (I think I said that right... so tired right now that I'm struggling to gather my thoughts).  I've told him bluntly that certain things he says and does, very particular things, are changing the way I see him, and the way I feel about him.  The problems are all rooted in a blatant lack of compassion on his part, and as much as I've tried to show him what he's doing and its effects on me, on the relationship, he doesn't do anything to help himself in that respect.

I can only do so much.

Is it up to me to change my environment?  Am I the only one who has to work to fix both sides of this situation?  It's all too familiar, really, and I'm not at all comfortable with it.  I've been made to be responsible for both sides of a relationship in the past, and it NEVER ends well.  If both people aren't doing their part it will ultimately fall apart.

That brand of emotional laziness in relationships destroy everything in its wake, including trust, including love.

Nearly every moment I'm striving to return balance into my world.  This is too much work for one person.  I can't, again, carry the entire weight of a relationship, especially when it's do damn destructive.

Is indifference, emotional laziness, chronic disrespect a form of abuse?  With the exception of chronic disrespect, no.  But what I do know is it's destructive to the person who is buried beneath it.

So how am I handling the indifference towards being in the hospital for a risky procedure?  Not very well.  I will be there alone, as he will be at work during the procedure and after in recovery.  On one hand it hurts my feelings on a human level.  And on the other hand I also see it as a blessing in disguise.  I will find a way to rationalize my way through this... but it takes a minute.  It really does.