Love-Bombing is where the narcissist lays the foundation for you to fall in love with him/her. But beware---it's a carefully constructed trap in which you will ultimately fall into if you're not very careful. The narcissist in your life knows where the gaps are in who you are, all the wounds of past and present that leave you vulnerable to them. They know where they are and what they are, and they WILL use it against you.
We don't fall in love with people who are outwardly hateful, meaning, dehumanizing, or cruel. If we're empathic, sensitive, we're at risk of making excuses for people who are absolutely all those things. It's in our very nature to love unconditionally, to forgive fully, to want to nurture and care for someone we love when they're wounded. But narcissists have an M.O., and one that is about as covert as it gets... in the beginning. As time passes and the mask begins to slip we see them for who they really are who've they've been since the very beginning. We miss those tell-tale signs that would have saved us profound grief--if only we had seen them.
Love-Bombing is a term that's used to describe the outpouring of so-called love from the narcissist towards his/her victim in order to draw in, acquire, and emotionally anchor their victim to themselves. They look and sound like a hero, the person who will love you like no other, and they may even tell you so. The shower you with love and attention, call you often, send text messages that are sheer poetry. This is NOT to be confused with "Normal" courting in a relationship, which has a modicum of constraint and ease of pace as the relationship matures and grows. Love-Bombing is, in fact, like a fast-track with ONE single goal; To get the narcissist to his/her "supply" as quickly as possible.
As for my experience, I was enamored very early on as I found myself in awe of this seemingly kind person who was funny, caring, attentive, charming, and liked by so many. I mean, how can a person be terrible if they have so many friends? Wouldn't those people simply exit stage-left if they were subjected to mean, cruel, and hateful behavior? Well, not so much with a narcissist, because you have to look at how deep and meaningful those relationships are. When you do look closer at this person's 'harem' of friends, ex's, admirers, you find that the relationships aren't close at all but very superficial. They don't 'hang out' with these people, don't have any deep, close or meaningful interactions with them, and they may only be 'friends' found through social media.
In the beginning there were kind words, attentiveness, outward gestures of what appeared to be love, kindness, and even respect. I fell for this time and time again, and probably because of my own wounds from childhood where emotional abandonment, stonewalling, and the use of guilt and shame as punishment from my mother (my dad wasn't around my entire life). I don't accept blame for what my narcissist did to me, but I do accept having responsibility in it continuing.
The Love-Bombing phase actually didn't last that long for me, and as I look back at the beginning I see that it really began to fade after about 8 weeks. I was so sucked in by then that I could no longer see anything clearly. This is one reason why relationships should progress slowly, allowed to mature and grow at a gradual pace. You can't cram a lifetime into a few weeks, meaning... you can't get to know each other fully in that amount of time.
As the Love-Bombing subsided I found myself being the 'chosen' one to carry the relationship. During the few short years I was with my narcissist the burden of carrying the entire relationship fell solely on my shoulders, no matter what... I was responsible for everything that DID and DID NOT happen. It was taxing to both my emotional and physical health, which began to disintegrate long before the relationship did.
Before long, holidays, birthdays, special events, etc. were not something my narcissist wanted to share with me...and of course, true to his narcissistic nature---it was all my fault. In fact, from the very first holiday we spent together...he made certain to turn the event into a complete nightmare filled with cruelty, hurt, and blame. And this should really have been a huge red flag for me. Instead, true to MY nature of being empathic and sensitive, my first knee-jerk reaction was to wonder what "I" had done wrong and what "I" could do to make it better, to fix things. THIS was the first "feeding" for the narcissist I'd let into my life, and it wouldn't be the last. He had found a willing victim and was the only one of the two of us who was aware of that fact.
I would come to know my role in things later one, once the relationship ties were severed completely.
This first crucial step (Love-Bombing) appears benign, uplifting, and wonderful on so many levels. In a normal, well-adjusted relationship these overtures are great and hold real meaning. But they're also paced, unhurried, and timely... and never are those efforts used against you. When Love-Bombing happens, the narcissist in your life will keep a running tally of all the 'good things' they've done for you, and keeping score has only one purpose---to use them against you later when you begin to question their obviously abnormal behaviors.
Gas Lighting, which I will discuss in another entry, happens when you begin to become aware of your narcissist's abnormal and abusive behaviors. He/she will begin one of the most covert attacks on your self-esteem, and your MIND, when you begin to call them out on what they're doing, when you dare to share your feelings with them about how hurtful their words and behavior are. Gas Lighting is when the narcissists begins to tell you you're "crazy," when they do things deliberately to confuse you, when they set out to literally make you second guess EVERYTHING. Few recognize this for what it is when it first begins to happen, and most only discover what's happening in the 'Discard' phase, when the narcissist has emptied you and is now looking for another 'supply.'
There really isn't an easy or quick way to explain the above, and there is still so much I haven't said. Over time I will reveal more in hopes of helping even ONE person recognize what they're dealing with so they can get the hell out of their toxic relationship before it does too much damage.
I've begun with the beginning, but I will be revisiting Love-Bombing, Gas Lighting, etc. as I go.
In the meantime, if you're dealing with a narcissist, beware of circular logic, as many times this is all he/she is armed with. The truly damaging ammunition a narcissist has against you are the gaps in your self, in who you are, and these gaps (as mentioned before) are the wounds of your past and their effects. This is really the only way a narcissist gets in and takes control. Know your wounds and heal them, and if you're with a narcissist now get help, find a therapist who can help you identify what's making you vulnerable and assist you in completely severing ties with that person in your life.
More to come...
No comments:
Post a Comment