When I was informed yesterday that the procedure I was having was more serious and carries far more risk than 'just' the biopsy I thought I was having, my radiologist asked me if I had anyone there with me. The fact that I was alone in the section where I waited to be taken to my procedure didn't deter him from asking, because.. after all... I was the only patient there who didn't have anyone with them.
I told him T had dropped me off and went to work; and he just looked at me for a moment, sat down, and began telling me (using straight-forward language) how "Tricky" the procedure I was going to have, how serious it was, and about the risks involved. He said if I wanted to call T and give him an opportunity to come back to the hospital so he could be there as it's being done that they would hold off on performing the procedure until he arrived. The radiologist left the room, and I called T...
T's reaction? "Well, they have my contact information so that if anything happens they can call and I will come there."
I sat there for a split-second taking in his response, then was filled with the overwhelming need to hang up the phone, to NOT hear his voice at all. And while this isn't the first time I've felt this reaction, it was by far the strongest I've felt. I instantly went into self-preservation mode and wanted him nowhere near me.
The nurses, doctors, and other supportive medical staff were the only ones who made me feel like I wasn't completely alone. I accepted that for what it was and allowed myself to just focus on what was about to happen and put T far, far out of my mind. In fact, to be honest, he didn't enter my mind at all until at the end of recovery when I was told I was being released.
What does this mean? That's not a question I'm asking myself, because I already know the answer. I've been there, done that in the past with someone not giving a crap about my health, my well-being, and diminishing what I was going through or dealing with. Has society really become a nation of zombies who have nothing but bricks for hearts? I'm certainly beginning to think so.
I was supposed to go home and rest, not strain myself, no lifting, not even driving. But T had other plans, ones that made HIS life ultimately easier. Because that's what it all boils down to. The aching in my neck and liver had begun, so I prayed that the medication I was given at the hospital would kick in soon and I at least wouldn't be in pain.
A heart cath is scheduled for the 19th of this month (November), and I was given a lab order to get blood work done prior to that day, as soon as possible. T decided that since I was "Already out and about" that I should go to the lab to get the blood drawn. I was painful, loopy, tired, and I wasn't at all up to walking through a parking garage and hospital in order to get blood drawn. I just wanted to go home and rest. That's all. Just go home and rest. But that wasn't about to happen. T would have his way, and I would simply have to suck it up and deal with the unpleasantness.
This isn't the first time I've been with someone who lacks compassion, but at least I now know how to deal with it while protecting myself at the same time... thanks to a couple of past relationships. At least I was smart enough to learn from the experiences, and while those lessons were necessary and taught me much, it doesn't mean I'm not feeling the effects of what's happening.
Deja vu.
I'm still processing everything, having just gone through this yesterday. I've no real thoughts on the matter other than the obvious that one would expect to have after such.
I'll come to terms with things---perhaps when I feel stronger.
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