The 'something' at this point isn't even relevant, because T is a repeat offender when it comes to the pushback, etc. that comes with trying to keep up with my health. I've no one else in which to ask for help. No one at all. I'm exhausted, spent, and hollow inside. Vibrance exited my life, not with illness, but with the lack of a support network. Not a soul in my life in which to have a heartfelt discussion about any of this.
An hour into writing this T decided to pick a fight with me. I'm not in a place to fight, argue, and have no desire to continue to do so. At the moment, in this half-alive and spent existence, all I want right now is to have peace, tranquility, happiness, joy, and the kind of hope that brings possibility into being.
At the moment.... where I was once just irritated, I'm just empty. Where in all of this is any sign of life? I literally feel like a ghost walking the earth.
Where are all the gentlemen in the world, the full-formed males as it were? Where is the guy that can look at a situation and see something in need of repair, correction, instead of just seeing something to complain about? It took me at least a year to realize how much was going to be left up to me to carry this relationship. I'm just not up to it, whether anyone likes it or not. It's a no-can-do for me. Plug-in or get out.
I did know a couple of guys who fit the description of "Gentleman" here in my time here on planet earth. One of them I knew I couldn't be in a relationship with because I didn't feel anything 'romantic' for him. I saw him as a dear friend, but that's about it. The other is another story, but one meant for another time, another post. But the art of being a gentleman is surely all but dead. Few men respect women these days.
I believe taking a couple of years to tell someone that X, Y, and Z are harmful to me, pointing out behaviors that could be EASILY changed, most often without much effort, that could take a tremendous amount of stress off me and improve both our lives. Not even things terribly complex, but things nonetheless that are so numerous as to when they occur to be a major problem.
It's time to crawl in bed, cover up, put the headphones on and listen to music---my most favorite escape these days. I have no other coping mechanism and can handle only so much for so long. It's hollowed me out completely.
I don't trust T anymore. It's not about cheating, because he's not that type. But it is about his constantly, and on a daily basis, habit of breaking his word, then trying to twist things back around on me when he fails to keep his word. I'm not going to bear his cross as I have my own to carry.
It's been a shitty day for sure. It's time I make today disappear into music and dreams. Tomorrow means I will be alone, and that my friends... is a good thing. In the meantime I will try and find another reason for getting out of bed.
Where have all the gentleman gone?...
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