Let's get on with it then, shall we?
There comes a time when you have to make a choice between your health and happiness, and the PROMISE of health and happiness. Knowing what the difference is between those two things is critical for emotional, and many times physical, survival. No one, and I mean NO ONE is worth allowing your health to be torn down, your emotional health beaten and battered. I've been here before, and I recognize what it is, and I'm not going to lay down and let myself be trampled underfoot.
Overt bullying is easy to spot. Narcissistic behavior, once you know what it is, can be easy to spot. But there are other delivery methods of delivery when it comes to destructive behavior, so you have to be very careful not to fall prey to the guilting that precedes that behavior. Those many-times subtle clues can save you a world of stress, anxiety, and damage; heed them, or pay the consequences.
Past experiences with a narcissist has taught me much; not just about what to look for in terms of what's good or bad for me, but also in my own reactions to the information. I don't always practice what I preach, because I am human and still not healed from the past experiences, but I'm at least aware of the decisions I make and what they can and will most likely do to my ultimate survival. Being aware is a good thing.
There is nothing worse than being at the mercy of another:
After my last couple of relationships, one that lasted the better part of 11 years, I learned to despise having to depend on a single soul for anything. And by 'depend' I mean for anything, be it emotional support, love, companionship, or even financial help if the proverbial shit hits the fan. Many people have loving family, friends, and/or a significant other who is there for them through thick and thin, and in those kinds of relationships all parties on all sides do what they do out of love and compassion, not expecting anything in return for whatever help and/or support they provide. Bonds like that are truly a blessing, but a blessing I know nothing of myself but for my sons. Thing is about having kids, even grown kids with kids of their own, is that you do everything in your power to keep them OUTSIDE of the problems and worry. My sons would worry horribly if they only knew what goes on in my life, and what I've gone through in the past. They know very little, and that's because I love them and know they would worry themselves sick and make decisions at their own peril just to help me. No.. I'm not about to do that.
Being at someone's mercy when your chronically sick is worse than any other kind of dependancy. You find out quickly who gives a shit and who doesn't, and it will usually bring out the very worst in people. I'm finding this to be the case across the board and have plenty of history as proof. Not being comfortable to talk to anyone about anything, holding back the truth about how bad I feel, what's really bothering me, that I need someone to talk to, someone to just listen without judgment, just to be gentle at times, kind... is really a hell on earth, I have to admit. But then, this isn't a new experience for me.
As my health declines, as my energy wanes, as I'm completely anchored to this house by symptoms of both AI disease and the treatments, as I watch life rush past me while I'm unable to participate, as asking for any help requires begging, reminding, and the 'guilt' that's pushed at me for having asked, I long SO VERY MUCH for the freedom of being single, living alone, and answering to NO ONE at all. You're probably wondering how I could live alone and not ask for help if I'm having to ask for help NOW.. right? Well, therein is the problem I have, and one that is so much worse than the illness I'm dealing with.
AI disease is forever, but relationships don't have to be:
Wow, yeah.. I actually just said that. I suppose I've been able to recognize that I SUCK at choosing which men I become involved with. So it only makes sense that I stop choosing at all. Oddly, this is the decision I made after my last relationship. I didn't need or want another relationship because I'd had just about enough of all it entails and found the price (paying with my self-esteem etc) was just too high. So if there is anything I can actually STOP that's doing me harm, why shouldn't I? After giving my all in this situation and the last, and still struggling just to maintain, I have to wonder at the insanity of that choice. Right? It just doesn't make sense to stay in a situation that is ultimately going to destroy you in the end.
I have absolutely nothing left inside---again. How did I get here... again?
Well, foregoing the fact that the above is a rhetorical question, let me just say that I don't recognize anything good or uplifting in staying here. I've developed an unwillingness to sacrifice myself again, and maybe because there's still a tiny part of me that clings to hope about some kind of future. Whatever it is, it's a loud and urgent voice warning me to beware of who I give my power to.
I feel the need to distance myself.
This is also something quite familiar, a reaction I recognize as an act of necessary self-preservation. My need to retreat, the need to just sink into some safe place where I can heal, be at peace, and turn my thoughts and energy to the possibility of having a much better life, a healthier life, by finding my way out. This could just be wishful thinking, too...
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