This topic is one I revisit when relevant. I'm living in a situation where disrespect has become the order of the day from T. I've talked to him, explained, begged and pleaded for him to SEE and UNDERSTAND what he does and how it affects me. He says he gets it yet returns to the disrespectful pattern of behavior almost immediately.
Disrespect changes how I feel about people. Abuse, mental and physical change how I feel about people. Meaning, if you're going to disrespect and/or abuse me you will cease to be someone I want to be around, someone I admire, someone I love. I'm not including family in this because that's a whole other situation. If my sons disrespected me, which they don't, I would still love and admire them. When it comes to relationships---sorry, disrespect and abuse, hatefulness and meanness simply don't cut it for me. Eventually your abuses, disrespect, etc... will reveal you for who you are, and I will ultimately fall out of love with you.
T isn't abusive, but he is disrespectful. If he says something mean or hurtful he usually apologizes and means it. But apologies for the indifference, disrespect, etc... fall on deaf ears and leave me cold inside. He's really killing my feelings for him--and yes, he knows this.
My past history, as you guys know, have been fraught with abuses and disrespect. I endured a lot for the sake of what I thought was love. The confusion of someone being hateful and abusive to me while claiming to love me has taught me much, and it's also left me with many questions yet to be answered. I've been lucky in that there've only been a couple of relationships that have left me questioning what romantic love is. And I say 'romantic love' because, again, that's a very different thing than love for family or friends.
My past colors my present. It is what it is and in many ways this has left me at a crossroads of what I want and need, and what I have. I don't really have a definition of love anymore outside of my faith. Romantic love is fragile, and most of the time it's temporary. Whether someone falls out of love and moves on, or whether that love deepens into something more deep, stable, and abiding remains to be seen in the early days of the relationship. And that deep, abiding love is the stuff that keeps people together and happy for many, many years. Not that it guarantees a perfect relationship or perfect life or perpetual bliss--it absolutely doesn't. But that kind of love is what makes getting past the hard parts possible.
That kind of love is what makes getting past the hard parts possible.
I don't know why people tend to go into relationships EXPECTING so much without any wiggle room. Destined to fail, those relationships put under that amount of stress and pressure will ultimately fail. It's been proven. So why do people do this if it's going to only end in chaos and separation? The quick answer: Not all people do this.
Control freaks are those who ultimately end up destroying a relationship. And by that I mean those who have an incessant need to control EVERYTHING about the relationship AND the person they're with. If someone is trying to change everything about you, that relationship you have with them will eventually end, because it will become too hurtful, too harmful to you to stay in. And it's unhealthy to stay in relationships like that.
Then you have someone like me who's had an emotionally-abusive childhood, who didn't have the benefit of a healthy, plugged-in mom, or a father around for any part of development. I didn't have the best teacher as to what to pick in terms of a partner. A boyfriend, a husband... doesn't matter. My choices have been mostly bad. Mostly.
I'm going to have to finish this at a later date. I'm feeling very sick today and can't continue to sit at the computer....
To be continued....
No comments:
Post a Comment