Point blank--when someone is dealing with health issues that REQUIRE certain dietary changes you just don't go against better judgment, advice, and information. With everything I'm dealing with, with my BP skyrocketing into stage 4 hypertension (brought about by Prednisone, I'm told), you don't hand that person a bag of salty chips and walk away. This is basically what T is doing.
How do you "Forget" something so important? The deep-seated indifference has become a danger to my health now, and given that I can't even so much as walk across a parking lot, much less through a grocery store, I'm completely at T's mercy here. I can't walk, stand, or do anything without excruciating pain in my back---something they've not gotten to the bottom of. All we know so far, due to an MRI, is that it's NOT spina-related. AI or what, then? Doesn't matter at this point. What matters is that I do the things I'm supposed to do to get myself well, healed, and healthy again. And the one person who has most of the control has chosen to disregard even the doctor's advice. WTH??
Bringing home everything I'm not supposed to eat. Salt, sugar, junk, processed foods, and deciding that a piece of meat for dinner is somehow healthy... I simply don't understand. I have to eat more vegetables and fruit, yet I can't stand at a counter long enough to make salad. Ugh. It's exhausting even talking about it at this point because I'm weak and having trouble thinking. Where is this going to leave me in the end? Destroying my health one meal at a time is what's happening now, and I have no idea what to do about it.
I've been here before, though it was much much worse. Getting 'sick,' even with the cold or flu, wasn't allowed. And if I DID get sick, or if something was making me less-than healthy or energetic, I was treated like garbage and made to feel horrible for 'daring' to get sick to begin with. Back then, just a few short years ago, I had no idea I was dealing with THREE heart arrhythmias AND an autoimmune disease that was trying to destroy my liver. I didn't have health insurance, and the clinic I went to wasn't aggressive with testing for most things. All I knew is that I didn't feel well or was very sick and tired and hurting a lot of the time, something that my ex wasn't on board with.
You find out quickly who cares for you when you become sick. Trust me on this.
This time around I'm with someone who emphatically claims to love me, care for me, and tells me I'm the most important person in his life. He volunteers this information---I don't ask for it. My last relationship taught me to not trust people, anyone in fact. Maybe one day I'll get past that. Maybe not. I have no idea. So when T tells me he loves me then sets out to undermine my attempts at healing and obtaining better health... it makes me not trust him, or his motives. Echoes of the recent past have come back to haunt me, laying waste to so much I've strived to overcome.
I guess I have to accept the fact that in many regards this whole thing is out of my hands. As long as I'm too sick, too weak, and too painful (lower back) to fend for myself 100%... I'm vulnerable and at the mercy of another. And for the second time in my life the people who I'm at the mercy of don't really have my best interests at heart. Well, T does... but fails to remember what's needed and necessary for me to recover. I really don't know how to take that.
I'm heading to the other room here in a few minutes, my retreat, my decompression chamber. The day is somewhat overcast, which will make rest and relaxation a bit easier. There's something soothing in cloudy days. While I need and want and love those sunny days, the clouds are still welcomed from time to time.
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