When I'm without words, music....

When I'm without words, music...

Screams behind the silence.

Be proper.  Be respectful.  Don't say anything.  Allow it to hurt.  Walk away.  Seek solace within.  Shut out the world.  Be careful.  Bury it deep within.  Try and forget.  Sedation in sleep.  Don't talk.  Don't FEEL anything and it won't hurt.

No matter what I tell myself the truth behind the feelings won't give me respite.  I've refused to allow myself the freedom of addressing what "I" need in the past and felt the sting of days and weeks and years lost, years where I was put on pause and left to wither inside.  Right now I can't say I'm doing well in that department again.  This time... I feel myself, who I am, once again collapsing beneath it all.

I try to remain as silent as possible, as still as I can bring myself to be.  That silence, though no one understands, is louder than anything they could actually handle.

WTF kind of life is this anyway?  None.  None at all.

Redirect

I need a complete and total redirect in my life, and I'm the only one who can effectively do this.  Yet, I wake up each day wondering exactly how to make it happen.  Today is yet another one of those days.

There are times when the wounds of my past don't haunt me.  I think that's fairly normal across the board, that there will be good days and bad days and days when you're strong or weak or unsure.  On the days when things are good I don't think much beyond what I really need to do in the present, getting well, learning more about what I'm dealing with so I'm prepared and know what to do and how to proceed with my life.

Today isn't a good day, starting from the moment I woke up...

T isn't the easiest person to live with.  He creates these situations that promote stress and drama and it's completely and totally unnecessary.  In the age of technology we have options for communication, and those options provide secondary options as to how we deal with people at any given moment.  When someone calls and you can't talk--let it go to VM and read it at your convenience.  If It's an emergency, that person will most likely follow it with a text or another PC.  If you get a text and it doesn't require an immediate response, or even if it does, and you CAN'T respond--simply don't.  Read it later, read it then, reply later.. those are options the receiver has.  Isn't that an easy concept?  I mean, I certainly think so.

For the better part of a couple of years now I have told T this: "If I text you with information you don't have to text back or call me right away.  Sending you information doesn't mean an immediate response is necessary.  Read it, don't read it, deal with it when you can."  I think that's a pretty clear indication that I don't require a response.  I've also told him if it's an URGENT situation I will call, and if it's an EMERGENCY I will call 911 (if it's me), or I will keep calling so he gets the sense of urgency.  Again, I think that's pretty clear, right?

So this morning I realized I'd forgotten to remind T about a couple of REALLY IMPORTANT matters, and I chose to send him a text message, rather than an email.  And what does he do?... call me immediately and begin whining about my texting him.  Well, alrighty then, Ace... you're officially on your own now, and if you mess up and forget to cross that T and dot that I then it will be solely on you, as well as the COST.  Don't blame me.

Why do people do this anyway?  Why not just do what most of us do and ignore a text when we can't deal with it right then?---responding to the urgent ones are a different story, of course.  Still, is that drama necessary?  No, I don't think so.

But now the peace and serenity I strive for each day, beginning with the start of my day, is shattered.  Not only am I stressed out now but feeling the physical effects of that stress, something that isn't at all comfortable when your body doesn't have enough cortisol (Prednisone suppresses that HUGELY) to handle that stress.  I just don't understand why people do this.

My goal is to regain my health and my strength and stamina, my vitality.  I understand that achieving that goal is a process, a mindset, and a choice.  I've chosen to take care of myself, but I break that promise every day.  Anyone who knows what it's like to let yourself down knows how far that can set one back.  But I forgive myself for falling short and move ahead as best I can.

A stronger me, a healthier me could handle these things much better.  I've spoken to T at length about AIH, the heart issues, etc... and explained to him what I'm dealing with, what the medical facts are, what I can do and not do and what I need from him.  Those conversations, btw, are completely ONE-SIDED.  I talk, he sits there, and he doesn't provide input, doesn't ask questions, doesn't give feedback, doesn't have a single thing to say.  Well then, okay.  At least he was warned.

You see, T gushes about how he 'does care,' how he's 'plugged in,' how he 'hears' me, and so on.  But he really doesn't, and he really isn't, and it's a choice.  He hasn't taken 10 minutes to read anything or learn anything about what I'm going through.  In other words, he's oblivious, and it's by choice.  He puts absolutely no effort into any of this.

....and it leaves me exhausted.

I've been down this road before, where someone proclaims loudly that they're plugged in and present,  that they care, that they love me, etc.  I sat mostly in silence during that situation, at least until the pressure, confusion, and the hurt tapped the pendulum and set it swinging back and forth between wanting to believe that but seeing the results match with the words.  That situation was also full of chronic projection on the part of the other person, accusing me of the very thing he was doing.  Here, with T at least, he isn't doing that.  He at least isn't projecting what he does, doesn't do, says or doesn't say onto me.  THAT is a major improvement from what I experienced in the past, but it's still not enough.

If all you have is refraining from hurting someone, if all you bring to the table is your body, if all you offer is criticism and complaints and character assassination, then you need to excuse yourself from the table and leave that person in PEACE.  T does try at times, I'll give him that, and he rarely criticizes me.  When T does become critical he realizes he's being an ass and eventually apologizes.

Here is my world, my life as it is right now.  Decay from the past stinking up the place, and an indifferent person who can't recognize how damaging and cold his indifference is.  HE is not a cold person, though.

Yes, I'm defending T.  He at least can see some things when I point them out.  Now whether he remembers the experience and learns from it, well, that's an entirely different matter altogether.

Today I need a redirect.  Today I need to find my direction once again.  Today will be one more day that I "manage to get through" because of sheer willpower.  It's all I have to work with, and it's a little shaky.  But I have to use something.  DO something.

I don't know why the past haunts me to this day, but I'm guessing it's because there was never any closure as the person I fell in love with never existed.  If you've read my other blogs along the way you would understand what I mean by this.  I fell in love with a man behind a mask, and when the mask slipped and revealed his true nature.. it was too late.  You can't say goodbye to someone that never existed.

Still dealing.  Still wounded.  Still lost and confused.  Still me in here somewhere.

....Somewhere.

Looking for that Anchor

I'm not completely unaware of my surroundings.  Everything around me lacks technicolor, true, but I'm still aware of what's here, and what's not here.  Having the awareness only changes how I approach any given task, every thought, every choice I have to make day to day.  Once I forego the usual self-talk and begin to listen to the silence the scenery changes a little.  But just a little.

Indifference continues to be the backdrop to life with T.  In a strange way, I've come about to a place where I'm more than okay with this.  He isn't going anywhere.  He's happy in his strange bliss.  He panics if I try to talk to him about how things really are, how I feel, what he's doing and how it affects my life in significant ways, and not good ways.  He panics in the sense that he isn't unhappy.  Weird, to me, how one person can be so unhappy while the other is... well, happy.  How does that even work?

Okay.  So I'm not going anywhere.  I do have times where I would give anything to be free of all of this.  And then there are times I'm happy.  Yes, yes.. it's not like I'm miserable 24/7 or anything.  Far from it.  I deal mostly with the AIH symptoms, the medication symptoms and withdrawal symptoms and all that involves.  But that's not what I'm talking about here.

I'm adrift and looking for an anchor to secure me in place.  I don't have my bearings right now.

So with 5% power left on this machine I'm leaving the conversation for another shot at it later, maybe when my thoughts are a little more cohesive.

....more coffee.  Yes, that's what I need right now.  More coffee....

I'll be back later, and hopefully I will make more sense than I have now. smh.

You have about 2 seconds before you get throat-punched

Just kidding.  But really, today is "Not mess with me" day, just in case anyone needs to know.  Prednisone irritability in full-swing, and honestly... the indifference and selfishness is grating on my nerves like metal nails clawing down a chalkboard.  OMG, someone kill me now!

On any other given day, under normal circumstances, I may be able to grit my teeth and work up some tolerance for the indifference and selfishness.  Oh, but not today.  And I'm freaking stuck here in the middle of it ALL... DAMN... DAY... LONG.  God, really, how am I going to handle this entire day without completely losing it?

I miss home.  I miss Mobile, AL.  I miss my life.  I miss ME.  I miss freedom, peace, tranquility, and the ability to breathe in my own surroundings.  O. M. G. but I would give my left leg for that life again... free from disrespect, indifference, and a general foundation of being treated like the maid every single given moment.

I'm on edge today.  Can you tell?

All I want is to breathe easy--figuratively speaking.  I can't relax.  Has anyone ever noticed just how much anxiety comes with being around someone all of the time who is completely unplugged, out of it, really rather... not there?  *sigh*

Please, God.  Give me my life back.  Give me my health back soon so I can get the hell out of here once and for all.  I'm not going to make it in this environment without spending the remainder of my life sick, anxious, depressed, and longing for a REAL life, a full life.

I suppose this is the first time I've vented to this extent.  I don't care at the moment.  ALL the filters have slipped out of place and the raw feelings are flooding through, unencumbered.  Maybe it will help.  Hope so.  REALLY hope so.

*sigh*

Dammit.