Risk for Redemption.

I played a bit with the idea of composing an audio/vid for myself, just something to remind me that there was, in fact, a time when I felt like a normal human being, when pain was minimal and sometimes absent, when I could behave normally, when restrictions of body (and now spirit and emotion) hadn't taken hold.  I know I used to feel better and actually participate in L I F E.  But for the life of me, my mind edits at will and separates the now from the then, the me I became and the me I once was.  So to keep it all in perspective... I made an audio movie with pics ranging from 8 months ago to 4 years ago, before this big crash in everything that is 'my life' and 'me.'

I was hesitant to upload it here (still am), but a friend of mine said "Do it.  Put it ALL out there, and to hell with what anyone thinks!"  It feels odd to see my own face all over this video, but... it's mostly for me anyway, something I can look at and recall that L I F E was there in me, and maybe.. just maybe... I will start believing again.  enough of the typing... arm aches horribly.

The compilation set as a reminder of where I once was in my L I F E and H E A L T H, remembering a healthier, happier me... taking a risk for redemption of myself, an apology to tell the woman I've become.... 'I'm so sorry I let you down."

Experiment #1...

Hi everyone.  Until my shoulder heals enough so that typing isn't painful, I'll be making audio entries in my blogs.  I can only handle so much typing, so this means audio will be a much better choice for now.  Thanks for your patience....

What If.....

What if I said I wanted to pour my heart and soul out to you?  What if I could, even for a very short time, find such trust that nothing, absolutely nothing would be off limits in what I could share?  What if I didn't hold back, didn't keep my entire heart's secrets walled off from the rest of me, and expose every one in such detail that it took your breath away?  What if... I told you a secret you'd never forget, no matter how hard you tried?

What if you could be surprised at the stories I hold inside?

What if I told you that I've never trusted a soul 100% in my life but that I'm willing to now?

What would you ask me if you could ask me anything?

What if I told you that you'd be surprised at who I'm talking to, and would you want it to be you?

A Competition of Priorities Part I

No relationship is perfect.  No one single person is perfect.  Both statements are true, and both are also somewhat redundant.  I believe most are intelligent enough to understand the 'given' in this.  Still, I wanted to make it perfectly clear that I'm not one of those individuals who looks for or even strives for perfection as I truly believe that endeavor never ends well for anyone.  Having said that, I do believe that anyone, everyone, can try to be the best they can be.  Honestly, I think we'd have a much better world if people just decided to do and be their best.

In an even imperfect world our only saving grace in most situations, especially the difficult ones, is having our priorities straight.  This doesn't mean my priorities will be exactly like yours, and they may actually be quite different.  And it's not to say if our priorities differ that one of us is right, and the other is wrong.  So what does it mean when someone says "Get your priorities straight"?  Well, for starters, you have to know where your priorities are before you can ever think of making any necessary changes or shifts.

My current relationship is a competition of priorities.  I've been here before in the not-so-distant past, and I recognize what it is I'm dealing with.  I also know all to well that I can't force anyone to change their own priorities.  Even so, there are consequences, both good and bad and on both sides of the situation (relationship) to that hierarchy of priorities.  For example, if you put your love of playing video games above your significant other you'll find, and usually quite quickly, that it has an impact on that other person, and by default.. on you.

There are two outcomes in the above situation.  Firstly, if your significant other has YOU as a priority, there'll be conflict.  While you make your case for your 'game time,' the other person will make their case for 'couple time.'  The other scenario isn't so pleasant, and in that other scenario your significant other may just find enough time on there hands, feeling less important than your game playing.... and open themselves to the availability of someone else.  This, unfortunately, isn't often something they actively do but is more a natural reaction to the situation.  There's just not enough time to explain the psychology in this.

Let's bring this to a more personal place.

I'm one for putting important things first.  Kind of a no-brainer, right?  Well, again, depending on where the person is with their priorities.. what one might see as important may be something they're totally indifferent to.  THIS is where the magic, or the nightmare begins.

My environment is extremely important to me.  My current heath problems mean I'm house-bound most of the time, and this means my immediate surroundings have basically become my entire world.  Here is where my peace, my serenity, my joy, happiness, and motivation is born, and where they also die.  And right now my environment is working against my health, both emotional and physical.

I don't care if it's a girl thing or just an 'Ella' thing, but it really doesn't matter what label it falls under, because this is part of who I am.  Beauty in my world is necessary.  I like a clean house, one that smells good and is comfortable.  Mess, chaos, clutter, and filthy surroundings do NOT sit well with me at all and isn't conducive to comfort or peace.  Under normal circumstances I would be happily cleaning house and making my 'world' a happy and peaceful place.. at least in that sense.  But it's a battle these days as I live with someone who could care less about any of that.  And worse, he's a master of procrastination.

I don't procrastinate and prefer to get things done in a timely manner.  I don't let things go until they're out of control or till the situation deteriorates so badly that I have to pay someone to take care of it for me.  Prevention is still cheaper than a cure.  It's cheaper to mow the lawn and take care of plants and landscaping on a regular basis then it is to allow things to become so out of control you have to hire a landscaper.  It takes a LOT less time to clean a bathroom once a week then it is to let it go for weeks on end... and have to spend a couple of hours trying to scrub away what would've been easily removed weeks before.  It's more cost effective to get a professional roofer to fix a leak right away then it is put it off till it becomes more than a roof repair.

Procrastination is the antithesis of "responsible behavior."

When men are more like boys than men they will let even important things go for weeks, or months, or even years.  For someone like me, this is a nightmare of epic proportion.  I'm not comfortable in filth, clutter, or chaos and decay.  I appreciate the things I have and take care of them.  To be in the same household with someone who's priorities places importance on things that take away from the important things... is literally a nightmare.

This competition of priorities is creating chaos at every turn, except for T... who is all about procrastination and haphazardly barreling through life without any direction or goal in mind.  When human beings in your life are at the bottom of the totem pole beneath meaningless and often mindless activities or inactivity, there's something very very wrong.

Priorities should mean doing the right thing first, whatever that is.  The right thing; what does that even mean?  I guess that's also a subjective choice.  But subjective or not, a human being should always be at the top of the priority list, be it the health, happiness, comfort and well-being of that individual, or their stated or obvious needs.  At what point do you wake up and realize that maybe, the thing you push down to the bottom the list is negatively impacting the other person in your life?

And you can't just tell that person to "Let it go."  When it's a priority, even a necessity, you don't just tell that person to let it go, to 'deal with it,' or go on a rant about why that person should change to meet your needs.  I'm sorry, but not in any universe will that ever work.

Now let's bring this local....

If your staring at a television is more important than helping me get something done that NEEDS doing around the house, your priorities are screwed up.  If my having ONE useful arm at the moment means I can't do x, y, or z... and you choose watching tv or playing on Facebook over helping with those things... you're extremely screwed up and your priorities stink, plain and simple.

I can't help where my health is right now.  I can't change the fact that I have an extremely painful shoulder/arm due to a torn rotator cuff that needs surgery to repair.  I can't help it that I need T's help, nor can I help that it's like pulling teeth to get that help.  All the pleading and begging and explaining in the world doesn't right what's wrong with his priorities.  He's the ultimate "Can't" man, and can't won't get things done.

Now, I do know the difference between literally being unable to do something and choosing to say you 'can't' as a way to get out of doing that something.  If you literally can't, you can't.  I can't buy a yacht, but that doesn't mean I'm making excuses not to.  I can't fish on my front lawn, either.  I also can't be 20 years old again.  So I know the HUGE difference between 'can't' as a fact, and 'can't' as an excuse.  And T... uses 'can't' as an excuse.

Procrastination on this level isn't sexy or attractive.  My knowing and seeing all too well how far down on the priority list I am does absolutely nothing to endear him to me.  Love isn't something you say but something you DO.  Saying it IS very important, but what you do is more important.  And if that person demands the unreasonable from you to 'prove' love, then that person's behavior/deeds aren't fueled by love but by selfishness.  What I'm asking of T isn't unreasonable and is what most people do without being prodded anyway.

Clean up after yourself.  Don't neglect the yard, the house, those things that men normally take care of because it's... the right thing to do!  Gee, where've we heard that before?  You take care of your house because it's the right thing to do.  It's an investment, so why on earth would you not take care of your investment?

And yet, I'm expected to not ever bring those things up, those things that seriously need attention.  Honestly, I don't ask for ANYTHING other than to do the right thing.  Bring on board some compassion to make the job easier.  But don't procrastinate until things fall apart then complain about the aftermath.  Be a self-starter.  Be pro-active.  What's wrong with that?

There's just too much to put into one blog entry.  The competition of priorities is out of hand, out of control, and T's ridiculous and self-serving stubbornness is destroying peace, tranquility, happiness, or any hope for the future.  And worse, it's destroying my motivation to get well.  I'll explain that at another time, as well as CONTINUOUSLY breaking one's word and it's impact on those on the receiving end.

For now.... I simply keep hanging on, hoping to survive this nightmare.

The last several days have been fraught with a fatigue and weakness unlike anything I've ever known.  Basically, for the last several days I've been pretty much bedridden, only able to sit up for a VERY short period of time.  Painful, tired, and weak, I spent what little time I was awake researching if there was a medication I was taking that could be doing this.  What I found was across the board complaints about every drug I'm on.  Narrowing things down to a time frame when I began getting worse I found that cessation of Prednisone and AZA kicking in were likely the culprits.  Here is where things get tricky...

Prednisone and immunosuppressants are the go-to protocols for nearly all autoimmune diseases.  At the highest dosage of 40mg/day I felt amazingly well, energetic, and somewhat strong again.  It was about as close to 'normal' I've felt in years.  With the first taper I began to feel badly again, but eventually had to come off with a slower taper which ended about a week ago.  AZA (Imuran) was added along the way and is something one is kept on long-term to stave off flares of the disease, in my case autoimmune hepatitis -- don't confuse this with visual hepatitis (hep C for example).  This is an autoimmune situation in which my immune system thinks my liver is a foreign body that needs, well, killed off.  Overlapping AI disease is also suspected here, but symptoms cross over and overlap to the point where it's difficult to tell what else is going on.  Myositis or Sarcoidosis are suspects here given my aldolase was highly elevated more than once, even on the medications.  It is within normal range since taking the imuran in higher doses.

FAST FORWARD...

I don't know which is causing this horrid weakness and fatigue, and other symptoms as well, so I opted to call the doctor to TELL him I'm stopping the AZA for a time to see if that's the culprit.  His response was agreement, BUT he wanted me to restart the Prednisone at 60mg per day!  I told the nurse on the phone, who relayed the message to me, that I wasn't going back on prednisone because the side effects were intolerable and it causes so much weight gain, which I've just now begun to lose.  I'm not going back.  She said she would relay the message to the Dr.  I have an appt with him next week and know I'm going to have to give push-back because I'm UNWILLING to take prednisone again.

I've just stopped the AZA yesterday and am not doing well as I'm still weak, fatigued, and wanting to sleep most of the day.  I have a feeling some of this will improve as the AZA leaves my body.

I know the risks.  I know and accept that I could have a big flare of AIH and my liver could be damaged because of it.  But here's the thing: I have to wage longevity with quality of life, and in doing so have come to the conclusion that I simply can't have both.  I'm choosing quality over quantity.

And hey, for all I know it could take a couple of years before I have a flare again.  But as for any other AI disease going on, be it Myositis or Sarcoidosis, no one has given another diagnosis as of yet so there's little reason for me to worry about those possibilities.  Having been on the treatment protocol for those, because it's the same as AIH, it's going to be tough trying to diagnose either due to my taking prednisone and AZA for this long.  Even so, all I can do is see how it goes moving forward.

I'm actually quite surprised that I can event type, because the last several days I've barely been able to hold up my iPhone while laying in bed due to the weakness.  You've no idea how bad the weakness is.

Another thing I have to deal with, which I'm not sure is a bad thing, is the loss of appetite.  I mean, I've gone back to FEELING that I need to eat, where my body gives physical signals that I may need nutrition but don't have actual HUNGER.  Also, this is the third day where it's not just a lack of hunger but also very early satiety.  I've been taking in less than 1,000 calories a day, which I will pay for dearly if I'm not careful, especially if I'm dealing with Myositis.  But that's another talk show.

So for now just know I have to play it by ear and see how I feel, because I may not be able to post here every day---though I do hope I can because that means I'm either feeling better or one tough chick for posting when I feel like I'm going to fall off the chair any moment. ;p  C'mon.. that was funny.  See?  My sense of humor shows up every now and then.

How am I managing through all of this?.... well, I have to admit that's a whole other talk show....

---O---M---G---!

My goal was to try and feel better today, to recover or otherwise heal the invisible sucking black hole that seeps every ounce of energy I have.  My goal was very simple, and in most cases easily obtained by not having stress, by not having anxiety, and by not having to deal with begging or pleading my case to get help with something important.

The 'something' at this point isn't even relevant, because T is a repeat offender when it comes to the pushback, etc. that comes with trying to keep up with my health.  I've no one else in which to ask for help.  No one at all.  I'm exhausted, spent, and hollow inside.  Vibrance exited my life, not with illness, but with the lack of a support network.  Not a soul in my life in which to have a heartfelt discussion about any of this.

An hour into writing this T decided to pick a fight with me.  I'm not in a place to fight, argue, and have no desire to continue to do so.  At the moment, in this half-alive and spent existence, all I want right now is to have peace, tranquility, happiness, joy, and the kind of hope that brings possibility into being.

At the moment.... where I was once just irritated, I'm just empty.  Where in all of this is any sign of life?  I literally feel like a ghost walking the earth.

Where are all the gentlemen in the world, the full-formed males as it were?  Where is the guy that can look at a situation and see something in need of repair, correction, instead of just seeing something to complain about?  It took me at least a year to realize how much was going to be left up to me to carry this relationship.  I'm just not up to it, whether anyone likes it or not.  It's a no-can-do for me.  Plug-in or get out.

I did know a couple of guys who fit the description of "Gentleman" here in my time here on planet earth.  One of them I knew I couldn't be in a relationship with because I didn't feel anything 'romantic' for him.  I saw him as a dear friend, but that's about it.  The other is another story, but one meant for another time, another post.  But the art of being a gentleman is surely all but dead.  Few men respect women these days.

I believe taking a couple of years to tell someone that X, Y, and Z are harmful to me, pointing out behaviors that could be EASILY changed, most often without much effort, that could take a tremendous amount of stress off me and improve both our lives.  Not even things terribly complex, but things nonetheless that are so numerous as to when they occur to be a major problem.

It's time to crawl in bed, cover up, put the headphones on and listen to music---my most favorite escape these days.  I have no other coping mechanism and can handle only so much for so long.  It's hollowed me out completely.

I don't trust T anymore.  It's not about cheating, because he's not that type.  But it is about his constantly, and on a daily basis, habit of breaking his word, then trying to twist things back around on me when he fails to keep his word.  I'm not going to bear his cross as I have my own to carry.

It's been a shitty day for sure.  It's time I make today disappear into music and dreams.  Tomorrow means I will be alone, and that my friends... is a good thing.  In the meantime I will try and find another reason for getting out of bed.

Where have all the gentleman gone?...

Respect Revisited.

It's one of the single most important traits a person can have; the ability to extend TRUE respect to another human being.  It's a taught skill, one that is vital to getting along with others on this planet.  Yes, those "duh" statements seem redundant because everyone is supposed to understand, and yet what I find these days is that most people have either discarded respect, or were never taught it to begin with.  Either way, gone are the days when I allow myself to be disrespected by others.

This topic is one I revisit when relevant.  I'm living in a situation where disrespect has become the order of the day from T.  I've talked to him, explained, begged and pleaded for him to SEE and UNDERSTAND what he does and how it affects me.  He says he gets it yet returns to the disrespectful pattern of behavior almost immediately.

Disrespect changes how I feel about people.  Abuse, mental and physical change how I feel about people.  Meaning, if you're going to disrespect and/or abuse me you will cease to be someone I want to be around, someone I admire, someone I love.  I'm not including family in this because that's a whole other situation.  If my sons disrespected me, which they don't, I would still love and admire them.  When it comes to relationships---sorry, disrespect and abuse, hatefulness and meanness simply don't cut it for me.  Eventually your abuses, disrespect, etc... will reveal you for who you are, and I will ultimately fall out of love with you.

T isn't abusive, but he is disrespectful.  If he says something mean or hurtful he usually apologizes and means it.  But apologies for the indifference, disrespect, etc... fall on deaf ears and leave me cold inside.  He's really killing my feelings for him--and yes, he knows this.

My past history, as you guys know, have been fraught with abuses and disrespect.  I endured a lot for the sake of what I thought was love.  The confusion of someone being hateful and abusive to me while claiming to love me has taught me much, and it's also left me with many questions yet to be answered.  I've been lucky in that there've only been a couple of relationships that have left me questioning what romantic love is.  And I say 'romantic love' because, again, that's a very different thing than love for family or friends.

My past colors my present.  It is what it is and in many ways this has left me at a crossroads of what I want and need, and what I have.  I don't really have a definition of love anymore outside of my faith.  Romantic love is fragile, and most of the time it's temporary.  Whether someone falls out of love and moves on, or whether that love deepens into something more deep, stable, and abiding remains to be seen in the early days of the relationship.  And that deep, abiding love is the stuff that keeps people together and happy for many, many years.  Not that it guarantees a perfect relationship or perfect life or perpetual bliss--it absolutely doesn't.  But that kind of love is what makes getting past the hard parts possible.

That kind of love is what makes getting past the hard parts possible.

I don't know why people tend to go into relationships EXPECTING so much without any wiggle room.  Destined to fail, those relationships put under that amount of stress and pressure will ultimately fail.  It's been proven.  So why do people do this if it's going to only end in chaos and separation?  The quick answer: Not all people do this.

Control freaks are those who ultimately end up destroying a relationship.  And by that I mean those who have an incessant need to control EVERYTHING about the relationship AND the person they're with.  If someone is trying to change everything about you, that relationship you have with them will eventually end, because it will become too hurtful, too harmful to you to stay in.  And it's unhealthy to stay in relationships like that.

Then you have someone like me who's had an emotionally-abusive childhood, who didn't have the benefit of a healthy, plugged-in mom, or a father around for any part of development.  I didn't have the best teacher as to what to pick in terms of a partner.  A boyfriend, a husband... doesn't matter.  My choices have been mostly bad.  Mostly.

I'm going to have to finish this at a later date.  I'm feeling very sick today and can't continue to sit at the computer....

To be continued....

Family--Beating My Head Against the Wall

To say I come from a dysfunctional family is putting it mildly.  Further back than my own memory reaches my siblings have hated me.  No, really, I'm not making this up or being dramatic.  I don't talk about this much because it brings a lot of sadness and discomfort, anger and resentment rushing to the surface.  It's a long story, really, and one with gaps and holes and far-reaching voids where many memories have vanished.  It would be oh so much easier had I been adopted, because I know virtually nothing about my family tree, for all the asking I've done over the years, and my parents are both deceased with my having absolutely NO idea where I came from, who my ancestors are, or what my connection is to any of them, if at all.

I was a "Mistake," according to my mother.  Now, my relationship and experience with my mom is a story in and of itself, and honestly... I could write a novel here about that.  But I'm not going to.  Let's just say my mom was disconnected by the time I was born, old enough to be my grandmother, and about as unplugged as a parent could get.  It was easier to micromanage and control everything to a damaging degree, rather than create experiences that may have given me a chance and coming out on the other side with less 'issues.'  Yes, of course I have issues, and in a way it was my mom's only legacy.

How is it that I could know little of nothing, if anything, about anyone in my family tree?  Well, that's easy--when you don't answer questions, share nothing, and ensure that not a single photo, letter, information, etc. gets passed down to you... well, you can't ask a dead person questions.  Point blank, not pretty, but absolute truth just the same.

Everything from health/medical information was shared primarily with ONE of the 6 children, and I wasn't the one who got the information.  My eldest sister was my mother's confidant, her go-to gal, and there was an almost too-close relationship between my mom and my oldest sister (old enough to be my mom).  I spent my entire life on the outside, looking in, and it was that way until my mom passed away (over 20 years ago now).

One sister and I shared a dad, and my other siblings share a father form my mom's 1st and only marriage.  Yep, my other sister and I were illegitimate.  I could really care less about that, to tell you the truth.  My dad was out of the picture when I was 18 months old, and my mother really never spoke of him or his family except for some really scary things, very dark and scary things.  Now, it shouldn't surprise anyone that if you scare a kid like that, they're most likely not ever going to ask too many questions.  This was the case with me.

The siblings who had a different dad hate me.  Just the truth.  I was even told that one reason they despised me was that, because we were very poor, they often didn't get as much milk (the example used by one brother and sister) because when it came down to the wire... "The baby" (me) needed it more than they did.  I can't speak for what happened when I was a baby.  I can't apologize for something that I didn't do on purpose.  Yet that resentment carried right into adulthood for my 3 brothers and one sister.  BTW, I don't really think of them as brothers and sisters because they've not treated me as such throughout my life.  What memories I have of life with them.. isn't good.

I was born very late, with my mom being in her early 40's when she had me.  All my siblings (but for one) was grown and gone and with kids of their own, so I pretty much grew up like an only child from about age 10.. when one of my sisters married and moved out (she was 16).  We lived in a 3 bedroom house that was eventually condemned, and my mother (a hoarder) used all 3 bedrooms as her hoarding rooms.  My sister, the one I share a dad with, had her own room, lots of 'stuff,' decorated walls, record player, records, clothes, and a bike.  I didn't have enough toys to even have a toy box, so even in this respect I would find myself living an entirely different life than my sister... and everyone else, actually.

My mom was absent, indifferent, cold most of the time...and even cruel.  Skipping over more details than will fit here, I will say that my childhood was very, very odd, and the damage done has proven to be long-lasting.  Still, I spent my life longing for a family, a REAL family.  Now, coming from a family with 3 brothers and 2 sisters you would think that a strange thing for me to say.  Aunts, uncles, cousins... really had nothing to do with me, but for one cousin who, I guess, simply took pity on me.  I felt the hostility from them all growing up and didn't understand any of it at all.  I felt it, saw it, heard it, and experienced that hostility until we moved away from California.  We moved to Colorado because my oldest brother wanted my mom to move there so she could babysit while he and my SIL could work.  I was in 8th grade when we moved, and my life didn't get better at all.

Longing for a real family... even to this day....

I would eventually move away from the state of Colorado.  My kids and I, to make a long story short as possible, ended up here in the south along the Gulf Coast, where we settled into that strange place (strange to us because we weren't from there) and would end up calling the south "Home."  It's the only place that ever felt like home to me.  I'm still in the south, but a little further north by a few short hours.  But back to "Family"....

When my mom passed, naturally my eldest sister got everything.  Very important items my mom was holding for me until I could send for them were divided amongst my brothers and sisters and nephews... or just tossed out as garbage.  They did this QUICKLY after my mother died, the day they found out, using the excuse that they were sure that since she was on disability, got a veteran's widow pension, and on Medicare, etc... that the 'government' was going to come in and take her stuff.  Yes, LUDICROUS, but that's the excuse they used.  And when I arrived for her funeral I wasn't even allowed to so much as have a photo of hers.  My eldest sister 'allowed' me to take ONE photo to have it photocopied.  My mom had boxes and boxes of photos, btw.

Few actually had anything to say to me at the funeral, or after.  It was the same shit, different day.. only worse.  A few years later I'd tried once again to make some kind of connection with them, but it ended in a total disaster.  I finally came to my senses and realized that I was the only one putting in any effort and that it just simply wasn't worth it.  I basically told my oldest brother and his bitchy wife to piss off.  And yes, it felt great and was LONG overdue.

In the present....

I know pretty much nothing of my family history, my family tree.  My last living grandparent died when I was 2 weeks old, and everyone else was so much older than me that no one really had anything to do with me.  My mom wasn't really forthcoming with names, histories, etc., though she did incorporate some names and such in a few fun stories she would tell from time to time.  But as a little child I really had no idea if she were making the stuff up/telling fairytales, or if the information was actually true.  And after my mom's death... the information about grandparents and such were simply not given to me, even if I asked.  Photos, etc.... all given to my sister, who claimed some neighbor stole them, were lost.  My brothers, etc. chose badly when they decided to give my sister everything.  One person said they thought my sister pawned or sold the framed antique photos of grandparents etc for money.  Sadly, it sounds exactly like something she would do.

The cruelty extends into adulthood....

When one of my brothers passed away a few years ago I was told about this AFTER the funeral had taken place, and... I was told on Facebook by a distant cousin.  She apparently looked for me on Facebook with ONE purpose in mind, and that was to send me a message that read.. "B**** passed away last week.  Thought you'd like to know."  I asked "How/why?" which lead to her replaying in the same short, blunt fashion. She then disappeared and didn't say a word ever again.  I'd written back a couple of times.. with no response.  I'd written my nephew as well, and have been ignored.  And this nephew I grew up with and was very close to most of our lives.  He's only 2 1/2 years younger than I am.

Cruelty was their favorite weapon, and continues to be so.


The family tree...

As someone who feels completely disconnected from 'family' or blood ties, history... it only stands to reason that I would, eventually, WANT to know something about my own family history.  SOMETHING.  ANYTHING.  So when I decided to look into www.ancestry.com I felt like I was taking a step in the right direction.  Maybe this site could help me put the broken pieces together in such a way that I would at least see my connection within the bloodline.

What I've done...

I created an account at www.ancestry.com over a year ago, but since I wasn't really willing to invest any money into getting a full account, I've only spent the smallest bit of time there.  But that changed for me about a week ago when I saw a commercial online for Ancestry and a DNA test they offered that shows where your bloodline is from, at least in percentages.  A lot of folks have jumped on board for this.  Now, one cool thing about the DNA test and having a real account (which I don't yet) is that you can set your family tree to allow links between matches for DNA, region, etc.  It's a lot more complicated than that, and they have a video that explains it all, but it's a really neat tool and a good place to start.  But what about for someone like me?....

DNA results may be the only thing I really get out of this, and that's okay.  It's something, isn't it?  It would be nice to know for sure what ethnicities are involved in my family tree, even if I don't have any family history to see how the pieces fit.  I sent my kit off today and, from what I understand, it will take about a week for the results to get uploaded online.  Knowing it's not going to give me complete picture of my family tree... I'm still okay, and I'm fairly patient where that's concerned.

So what's my freaking point here?

My point is this: If you have information about family history (names, places, etc) please share them with your kids.  Don't leave them in the dark to spend the rest of their lives wondering who they really are (history wise), where they're from, what their history is, etc.  It's really not a good or easy thing to live with when you have no idea about those things.  Don't do that to your kids, seriously.

My desire to know more about my family history/ancestry runs deeper than the hurt from the disconnection from my actual 'family members.'  I rarely use the word 'family' when speaking about them.  They're blood relatives to me, but nothing more.

I have to wonder if I'm beating my head against the wall trying to piece together a family tree I know nothing about.  Names, birth dates, etc. are required to even do searches or make connections.  What little information I have really just stops at my mom, and my dad I have only a name and birth date.  It's really like hitting a brick wall.  But is it worth it, all of this effort?  I don't know.

I really just don't know.  The one thing I DO know is that I'm left with the question: Will I ever fully understand myself in connection to history and ancestry?

*shrugs*

A Few Precious Minutes to Myself

People sometimes want what they don't have, covet what they will never have, and forget to appreciate the important things they're almost guaranteed.  Why does this happen?  I can't speak for everyone and won't try to, but I do know ALL of us fall prey to this.  And if you're one of the few who think you don't.. I would suggest taking a few steps back and looking good and long at your life, because you may just be missing out in ways you never even realized.

We get too close to see the big picture.

It's not like I can't admit to over-scrutinizing my life and everything in it.  It's where I am at the moment, always in that mode of trying to figure things out and understand.  The whole understanding this is part of who I am, and yes... I can over-think things because of this.  It's okay, though, because eventually I discard the deadwood information I glean from digging in too deep.  It's a bit like cleaning house.  Seriously, if you look too closely for dust.. you're going to find it.  Yeah, you know what I mean.

I spend my insomniac nights over-thinking in order to try and solve problems.  It doesn't work.  I know it doesn't work.  But I do it anyway.  And I shouldn't, really, because it just makes me freaking tired.  Okay, so where am I going with this?....

Alone time.  Me time.  Just time to myself to sort through the muddle that's my life right now has become as important as sleep, as breathing.. because I'm finding that in that space, while I can actually take a breath and breathe, think, and allow the quiet outside to seep in a bit, I feel better.  No really, I just feel better in that state.  Maybe it's the whole needing to hang on to my independence thing, not sure.  But it doesn't matter the why as much as it matters what good it does to my soul, my spirit, my being..to simply have the time to take to regroup and heal inside and out.  It's hard to explain that last part, so I'm not going to try.  Many of you may already understand what I mean.

This morning, on a Saturday, I'm able to take time to just drink coffee, read a bit online, listen to the absolute quiet.  I hear the heater running, a ticking clock in the breakfast nook, the wind when it rushes through the big trees outside.  I hear all of this and know it's all about 'the still.'

I'm appreciative for these rare and precious moments when I have less pain, when the depression isn't taking hold, when I can sit and drink coffee and just... be... me.  Life will return shortly, and everything will change.  I'm hoping that this weekend will be peaceful and not filled with my chasing life while it dashes and darts away just out of reach.

In the meantime, as I sit here in the quiet, my past history visits.  This time, however, I'm not shaken by any of it and can simply look at what was and see it as.. 'what was.'

I'm not controlled by anyone anymore, and that gives me peace.

I don't have to use every single ounce of my energy trying to please another person, and that gives me peace.

I don't have to meet anyone's demands, and that gives me peace.

I can say "NO" to that which harms me, including people, and that gives me peace.

I don't need anyone to tell me I'm okay, or loved, or liked, etc, and that gives me peace.

I can take care of myself without guilt, and that gives me peace.

I don't have to ask permission for anything, and that gives me peace.

I can listen to my instincts and follow them, and that gives me peace.

My know my choices are mine, and that gives me peace.

I have found my voice, and that gives me peace.

I can speak my mind, my truth, out loud, and that gives me peace.

I don't have to explain myself unless I choose to, and that gives me peace.

I don't have to cater to another, and that gives me peace.

I choose to not be bullied, and that gives me peace.

I can stand up for myself without guilt, and that gives me peace.

I don't have to listen, take, or act on advice I know isn't good for me, and that gives me peace.

There is a long list of things that give me peace, and while my life isn't perfect (and NO ONE'S ever will be, including mine) it's still MY LIFE.  MY life.  So in this imperfection of life I know things won't always be rainbows and sunshine and butterflies (well, maybe butterflies).  I accept the reality of reality and can choose to live accordingly.  I can make these choices because I broke free from a relationship that sought to destroy all I am.  While I didn't come out of the station unscathed, I walked away with enough of myself to know I'm healing JUST by making that exit.  I walked right out of the dark and into life.

In the still I can sometimes see better, think more clearly, and take an inventory of what should be kept and what should be discarded or changed.  This isn't a bad thing, btw.  I realize what I need to work on.  I'm aware of those things that I need to change.

I'm not going to be anything but myself.  Gone are the days when I try to reinvent myself for another person.  And trust me, the whole 'reinventing' oneself thing isn't a bad thing as along as we remember to still be ourselves while making those changes.  Trying to be anything or anyone else is a total recipe for disaster.  I tried it to suit another and am still paying the price for that huge mistake.

Don't ever let anyone tell you to change who you are.  Take it from me, someone who's tried that, it will only wreck you.  The only thing you really need to remember when someone is trying to change you, insisting you change, is how that demand makes you FEEL.  If it feels wrong, it is.  Self-doubt isn't good either, and anyone who instills doubt within you by their words, their actions, their demands are simply trying to make THEIR life better while destroying yours.  Appreciate the person you are.

Appreciate the person you are.  This means, appreciate everything about you, the good, the bad, the kooky, whatever it is that's inherently you, appreciate it all.  Change those things that YOU see needs changing.  Listen to input from those who actually love you and hold your best interests in mind when they speak.

One more cup of coffee...

Keep Your Word When You Can

Notice the title: "Keep your word WHEN YOU CAN."  See, I'm not unreasonable.  I understand enough of human nature (like most of us) to know that NO ONE is perfect, and if anyone claims to be perfect... RUN LIKE HELL!  Still, one thing that sticks with me long-term is when people break their word because they had no intention of keeping their word to begin with.  Yeah, a big pet peeve of mine.. and here's why...

A person is only as good as their word; don't you agree?  But the HUMAN side of us also understands that there WILL be times when 'shit just happens,' and we have to recognize the difference between us wanting someone to keep their word.. and being a complete and total CONTROL FREAK.  Now that's another pet peeve of mine--control freaks.  But I'll get to the latter in a bit.  Right now, I need to get something off my chest.

Not unlike many, I have a long history of being subjected to those who frequently break their word.  It isn't always presented as a 'promise,' mind you, but it's still important to follow through when you can.  When you can.  Hey, I know all too well how things can change in the blink of an eye, and it stands to reason that when shit happens, things change.  We have to amend the course of our day and intentions and make room for whatever that unexpected change demands from us.  Right?  I mean, this is life on planet earth, folks, so we sometimes have to take a chill pill if something doesn't quite go our way.  Seriously.

In the past I've been held to an unbelievably rigid set of rules when it comes to relationships.  Needless to say, I've ended up with a couple of complete control freaks who attempted (with some success, unfortunately) to micromanage my life and time; totally fault, because I allowed it to happen.  But given that information, there is also the other side to this coin, and that's the real point.  At some point you have to at least make every effort to keep your word, even when it's inconvenient.

Last night, right before bed, I learned T broke his word to me on something and failed to tell me about it, failed to discuss it with me, and most importantly.. he didn't bring the problem to my attention so we could talk about the decision that HE would ultimately make.  The actual subject matter doesn't matter, trust me, so I'm focusing on the act itself, which is really the most important part.

Bottom line: if you're going to tell me you're going to do something, either DO IT or talk to me about why you can't, won't, etc.  How is that difficult?  It's really not.  In my case, I can completely understand when something doesn't happen the way I expect it to.. if people TALK to me about it!

Last night was a mess, a complete and total mess.  Feeling disrespected has become a part of my life again, and with it nastiness from the past.  I don't like the parallels, though this situation is really more about someone's utter emotional and moral laziness than actual cruelty.  No, the cruelty was the past situation, by far.

My past situation, as you guys know by now if you've read my other blogs, was very dark, very toxic, especially at the end.  I was held accountable for everything that went wrong in the relationship, and I was also held responsible for FIXING everything that was wrong in the relationship.  And according to him, "I" was what was wrong; who I am, who I want to be, how I lived, what I liked/disliked, and virtually EVERYTHING about me... was all wrong (according to him) and needed 'fixing.'  Without repeating how damaging that was to me, I will say that the experience opened my eyes to a few things, including (but not limited to) the unreasonable expectations of selfish people.

The unreasonable expectations of selfish people.

It took me a long time to say those words.  I don't like slapping labels or judgment on anyone, especially someone I love/d.  And I very much did love that person at the time.  I loved him so much I was blind to what was happening, to what and who he really was, and how utterly controlled I was during that time.  The idea that so much could be demanded of me never occurred to me in the beginning.  The idea that I would be shackled to everything I said never occurred to me.  The idea that there was NO ROOM for error, NO ROOM for life, NO ROOM for 'shit to happen' also never occurred to me.  I was utterly blinded by emotion.  And yet, I did everything in my power to agree to everything, and to push myself beyond what was reasonable in order to accommodate his every wish and command.

Over time, and as my health became worse, the narrative began to change, and my own personal story with it.  Sick, tired, in desperate need of rest, sleep, peace, tranquility.. I continued to do what was asked.  Over time, the toll on my body, mind, self-esteem, all of me really, was severe and debilitating at times.  And eventually... I didn't feel good at all.  My happiness and joy dulled and faded into nearly nothing.

The valuable lessons learned:

Love yourself enough to expect people to keep their word to you WHEN THEY CAN.
Love THEM enough to know they're human and shit happens sometimes.
Love...
Just love...

Last night was, in part, a by-product of recent history.  I'm not allowing myself to be controlled, either by force or by coercion.  And yes, I know the difference ALL too well; this is a good thing, btw.  I can recognize when people are doing their best, when they're trying, and I can also recognize when they're being total lazy assholes.  And guess what, ALL of us have our moments of being total lazy assholes.  Humility says... don't be so damn self-important that you think YOUR needs exceeds that of another.

Involve the other person in the dialogue when things change IF you have any warning that they will change.  Involve that other person in the dialogue when, even AFTER the fact, you can't keep your word for any reason.  But dammit, be freaking PATIENT, because honestly.. the world doesn't evolve just around you (using the word "You" loosely here, folks).

I recognized last night the extent to where the dialogue didn't include me, leaving me to once again feel disrespected to a large large degree.  I wasn't included when things changed, was told nothing at all.  In fact, the worst of it was that I know had "I" not brought the subject up... it wouldn't have been brought up at all.  And let's be clear, there was a timeline on this situation.

No, I'm not prepared to be unreasonable about this or any other thing, and I will still continue to make respect one of the most important factors in ANY relationship I have with ANYONE and everyone.  And it really has to go both ways.

I got it out of my system and spoke my mind.  T understands full well what happened and how NOT keeping his word or involving me in the dialogue when things change makes ALL the difference between treating me with respect or not.

It's a tiresome topic, really, and I'm not saying the actual topic of respect is tiresome.  Rather I am saying that I shouldn't have to always be asking for respect and pointing out the lack of it.  I also know that, like the past situation, if I keep quiet and say and do nothing for myself, then I'm doomed to allow the damage to continue, to lose my self-esteem and self-respect in the process.  And you know what?  I'm just not willing to go there again.

Keep your word when you can.

Why are You in My Face Again?

Far be it from me to stop anyone from having their own opinion and expressing them.  However, if you're spewing hate and rhetoric on my FB posts, then we really need to talk...

Lately I have one nemesis, and it's someone who touts being a conservative/republican but behaves like a total left-wing extremist.  Whatever.  I know this person in real life and have to interact with him and his wife on occasion due to my being a customer at their place of business.  So be it.  But there's a huge problem I'm having now with this guy vomiting ugly comments and replies on my FB posts... aimed at military members and veterans on my friends list.  THAT will NEVER EVER be okay.

So while the above person is just a representation for my point here, I think it's time I laid down the facts about what I think about taking a dump on other people's pages....

You don't have to [take a mind dump].  If you want to take a big ole steamy brain dump, do so on YOUR OWN PAGE.  Using the word "YOU" here loosely, as that person doesn't read my blogs.  This is not directed to anyone reading, just to be clear.  I'm basically speaking my mind about good old fashioned manners, etiquette, and just having some freaking class when it comes to dealing with others.  Not to say it won't ever get heated, because it's in our natures as human beings for that to occur.

Shit happens.  Or, "Feces Occur," if you will.

I read a lot that I don't agree with.  I see a lot I don't agree with.  Yes, there are things that offend me.  No, I don't usually react to them and simply go right on past to the next thing.  So why is it that doing the least confrontational thing is so lost on some?

Ugh.

Some folks need a brain enema...

Seriously.

Honesty has become a vulnerability.  People who speak their minds honesty are often faced with ridicule and contempt by those who have opposing views. I believe most of us get this and have experienced that ridicule first-hand.  While a valuable lesson, that ridicule and backlash, while it reminds us how we should choose our words carefully, we must always remember that honesty is STILL the best policy, and that lying by omission... is STILL lying.

A friend who reads all my blogs, and I mean every entry (bless her heart), sent me a message and said, "I don't know how you do it. Aren't you scared of haters bashing you?"  Well, no.. I'm not.  I refuse to allow haters and bullies to dictate how I think, behave, react or don't react to any given situation.  I mean, once you give away your power it's really hard to get it back.  It's best not to give your power to another to begin with.

I've relinquished my power to haters and bullies in my past.  My entire life, up until about 3 years ago, I learned to suppress my feelings, to bury anger deep, to hide the foundations of any feelings I had.  Not to say I wasn't emotional, because BOY was I ever.  I wore my emotions on my sleeve for the entire world to see.  But when it came down to recognizing for more than a second what created those emotions, and when it came down to standing up for myself, that's where everything fell apart, and it did so because I was taught early on that having those emotions.. was a bad thing.

I no longer think that, and because I no longer think that I FEEL more intensely those emotions I used to keep in check to the point of denial.  It's been a liberating process, being able to access feelings like that.  I don't have to apologize to anyone for having those feelings, and I reserve apologies now for when I HANDLE those feelings badly; thankfully this is seldom an issue.  So when someone writes me and is worried because I allowed the emotions and thoughts etc to flow freely on the pages here, or in my other blogs, I DO take into consideration what they're saying, but I also take into consideration that I've come a very long way to not only reach my feelings and access them more fully than before, but that it's MORE than OKAY to express them.

There is a danger to being honest.  There's a danger in speaking freely at times.  There's a risk that you won't please one person or another person, etc.  Not everyone is going to like what I'm saying.  But so what?  There will be those who DO, and it's with those people that the unspoken camaraderie is expressed and felt.  What I say, what I express, actually has helped people, and it's certainly helped me.  So I've no intention of changing this, just so everyone here is clear on where I stand.

I will accept the dangers of honesty and continue to be honest, sometimes bluntly, and I will take into consideration the edges honesty has by definition.  I'm not out to hurt anyone, and this is why I name NO names here as to whom I'm speaking about.. IF I'm speaking about someone else.  It occurs to me that having to say this means I'm still aware, very aware, of the risks I take.  But it doesn't matter.. I'm not here to write fiction or make things look better or worse than they actually are.

I'm going to be myself, haters and bullies be-damned.  No one should give up pieces of themselves for others to devour, and that's exactly what you do when you censor your words, thoughts, and feelings in a place or forum where you're there to speak your mind.  People can choose to read or not read, listen or not listen.  Actions are a choice.

So to my friend, though we've spoken about this at length--I hear you.  And I'm okay.  I'm okay with what any hater or bully thinks about me, because I don't answer to them.  And.. you shouldn't either.

Redirect

I need a complete and total redirect in my life, and I'm the only one who can effectively do this.  Yet, I wake up each day wondering exactly how to make it happen.  Today is yet another one of those days.

There are times when the wounds of my past don't haunt me.  I think that's fairly normal across the board, that there will be good days and bad days and days when you're strong or weak or unsure.  On the days when things are good I don't think much beyond what I really need to do in the present, getting well, learning more about what I'm dealing with so I'm prepared and know what to do and how to proceed with my life.

Today isn't a good day, starting from the moment I woke up...

T isn't the easiest person to live with.  He creates these situations that promote stress and drama and it's completely and totally unnecessary.  In the age of technology we have options for communication, and those options provide secondary options as to how we deal with people at any given moment.  When someone calls and you can't talk--let it go to VM and read it at your convenience.  If It's an emergency, that person will most likely follow it with a text or another PC.  If you get a text and it doesn't require an immediate response, or even if it does, and you CAN'T respond--simply don't.  Read it later, read it then, reply later.. those are options the receiver has.  Isn't that an easy concept?  I mean, I certainly think so.

For the better part of a couple of years now I have told T this: "If I text you with information you don't have to text back or call me right away.  Sending you information doesn't mean an immediate response is necessary.  Read it, don't read it, deal with it when you can."  I think that's a pretty clear indication that I don't require a response.  I've also told him if it's an URGENT situation I will call, and if it's an EMERGENCY I will call 911 (if it's me), or I will keep calling so he gets the sense of urgency.  Again, I think that's pretty clear, right?

So this morning I realized I'd forgotten to remind T about a couple of REALLY IMPORTANT matters, and I chose to send him a text message, rather than an email.  And what does he do?... call me immediately and begin whining about my texting him.  Well, alrighty then, Ace... you're officially on your own now, and if you mess up and forget to cross that T and dot that I then it will be solely on you, as well as the COST.  Don't blame me.

Why do people do this anyway?  Why not just do what most of us do and ignore a text when we can't deal with it right then?---responding to the urgent ones are a different story, of course.  Still, is that drama necessary?  No, I don't think so.

But now the peace and serenity I strive for each day, beginning with the start of my day, is shattered.  Not only am I stressed out now but feeling the physical effects of that stress, something that isn't at all comfortable when your body doesn't have enough cortisol (Prednisone suppresses that HUGELY) to handle that stress.  I just don't understand why people do this.

My goal is to regain my health and my strength and stamina, my vitality.  I understand that achieving that goal is a process, a mindset, and a choice.  I've chosen to take care of myself, but I break that promise every day.  Anyone who knows what it's like to let yourself down knows how far that can set one back.  But I forgive myself for falling short and move ahead as best I can.

A stronger me, a healthier me could handle these things much better.  I've spoken to T at length about AIH, the heart issues, etc... and explained to him what I'm dealing with, what the medical facts are, what I can do and not do and what I need from him.  Those conversations, btw, are completely ONE-SIDED.  I talk, he sits there, and he doesn't provide input, doesn't ask questions, doesn't give feedback, doesn't have a single thing to say.  Well then, okay.  At least he was warned.

You see, T gushes about how he 'does care,' how he's 'plugged in,' how he 'hears' me, and so on.  But he really doesn't, and he really isn't, and it's a choice.  He hasn't taken 10 minutes to read anything or learn anything about what I'm going through.  In other words, he's oblivious, and it's by choice.  He puts absolutely no effort into any of this.

....and it leaves me exhausted.

I've been down this road before, where someone proclaims loudly that they're plugged in and present,  that they care, that they love me, etc.  I sat mostly in silence during that situation, at least until the pressure, confusion, and the hurt tapped the pendulum and set it swinging back and forth between wanting to believe that but seeing the results match with the words.  That situation was also full of chronic projection on the part of the other person, accusing me of the very thing he was doing.  Here, with T at least, he isn't doing that.  He at least isn't projecting what he does, doesn't do, says or doesn't say onto me.  THAT is a major improvement from what I experienced in the past, but it's still not enough.

If all you have is refraining from hurting someone, if all you bring to the table is your body, if all you offer is criticism and complaints and character assassination, then you need to excuse yourself from the table and leave that person in PEACE.  T does try at times, I'll give him that, and he rarely criticizes me.  When T does become critical he realizes he's being an ass and eventually apologizes.

Here is my world, my life as it is right now.  Decay from the past stinking up the place, and an indifferent person who can't recognize how damaging and cold his indifference is.  HE is not a cold person, though.

Yes, I'm defending T.  He at least can see some things when I point them out.  Now whether he remembers the experience and learns from it, well, that's an entirely different matter altogether.

Today I need a redirect.  Today I need to find my direction once again.  Today will be one more day that I "manage to get through" because of sheer willpower.  It's all I have to work with, and it's a little shaky.  But I have to use something.  DO something.

I don't know why the past haunts me to this day, but I'm guessing it's because there was never any closure as the person I fell in love with never existed.  If you've read my other blogs along the way you would understand what I mean by this.  I fell in love with a man behind a mask, and when the mask slipped and revealed his true nature.. it was too late.  You can't say goodbye to someone that never existed.

Still dealing.  Still wounded.  Still lost and confused.  Still me in here somewhere.

....Somewhere.

The Crap I Spew

Well, I told you guys I was going to do this, and I know some of you, if not most of you, usually end up having a preference as to which blog(s) of mine to read.  At least that's what some of you have told me.  The new blog, however, is just an outlet for crazy, stupid, nutty, fun, wacky-whatevers I need or want to share.  Yes, sometimes it's 'need.' ;)

Crap that enters my mind, sometimes unbidden.
Crap I think up that ends up epically cool, or total crap.
Crap I have an opinion about.
Crap I just want to share with you guys for no reason.
Crap I've seen.
Crap I've heard.
Crap I'm confused by.
Crap I'm angered by.
Crap
Crap
Crap
Crap
...and even more Crap.

It's in its fledgling stage, so hang in there as the growing pains begin.

URL:

http://thecrapispew.blogspot.com

Have fun!  Oh, and remember... all PC is out the window there, and don't be surprised if you have multiple WTF moments... eventually, it's gonna happen. ;p

The Crap I Spew

Oh, but you've no idea how many times since I created my first blog that I wanted SOOOOO much to use that title.  And trust me, this is something I've wanted to do since my Myspace days, which began over 10 years ago.  Ha!  But I do still have my sense of humor, even if only the few actually get it.

I'm good with that.

So what about this "Crap I Spew"?  Well, I may very well start yet a new blog and title it just that.  Maybe I just need something that allows me to... wait, okay.  This all sounds very familiar, doesn't it?  Like I need yet another blog.  I mean, isn't FOUR enough? lol  I like keeping things orderly, and maybe that's why I've been comfortable separating the 'goings-on' into categories, split into separate blogs for separate 'blah-blah-blah-ings.' But who the hell cares, right?  Read them.  Don't read them.  I wouldn't know, would I?  I mean, either way, unless someone emails me, calls, texts, or whatever... how the hell would I know?

Okay, so I can feel it in my bones, the crazy side of me needing to be set free so she can run amok, nekkid, in the abyss known as the internet.

The Crap I Spew... coming soon to my blogger account.  HOT-DAMN but I'm going to make it a 'thing' after all these years....

...a girl needs goals.

PART II: Never Mind. Seriously. Just Never Mind.

First let me say this: I'm not demonizing T.  I do love T.  But you have to understand that his behavior is destructive, not only to the relationship, but to me as well.  I've tried to help him understand what his behavior does, how it affects US, and how it affects me.  I haven't pointed out that it affects him as well, because stating the obvious is never going to get the point across.  He has to come to THAT conclusion himself, to figure out for himself how things affect him, etc.  I can't do that, nor can I speak for him or his feelings.  I've asked, and he's shared very little.  His choice entirely.

So at this point, as mentioned in previous entries in my blogs, I have to now focus on myself, my health, and getting strong and healthy again.  My life depends on it, and I'm not willing to give up quality of life in order to make room for T's ego.

How did I get here, and does it make ME self-centered to make myself the center of my own world right now?

Giving so much that you lose yourself is unhealthy, and it WILL empty you at some point where you have nothing left to sustain yourself.  I've given, given, given, accepted, self-blamed, and a plethora of other unhappy endeavors, thoughts and considerations until I really was left feeling completely empty and unhappy.  My attempts to fulfill T's needs without replenishing myself was the worst possible thing I could have done.  But I chose to do it to make him happy.  Over the past couple of years this went on--my giving, giving in, ignoring my own needs and desires, putting all I am to the side in order to make sure HIS world was right.  Now I'm left of what's left of the person I used to be, and trust me when I say I've been here before... it's unhealthy and destructive.

The dialogue began to change when my health began to decline.  Over the course of many doctor visits, tests of every kind, a few diagnosis and procedures... I realized that the person who was sometimes next to me was not only clueless at what was happening to me or how I felt about it all, but it was a CHOICE he made each and every day.  He would spend so much free time on FaceBook, picking away at his phone and reposting memes and articles and so forth that didn't enrich his life, OR our life together.  I observed this over the past two years and wondered, at first, why he didn't spend that much time learning about what I was going through, the sometimes dangerous and necessary procedures I was having, WHY I was having them, and what it meant.  Eventually, I asked him why.  He really didn't have an answer, and to this day still doesn't have an answer.

I had an idea that I would be going through these life events WITH him.  I believed that maybe he possessed even the smallest curiosity about anything I've been and am going through.  I was wrong.  So wrong.

What was the turning point?  When did I recognize the indifference full-force?  That one's easy.  The day I had the fine needle aspirate for a large thyroid nodule found during an ultrasound of my carotid arteries.  When I was told I needed a biopsy I didn't know that I would be going to that appointment alone.  This wouldn't be the first time he did this...

Transjugular liver biopsy was the reality check: Liver biopsies are extremely risky, and doctors have to seriously weigh the benefits against the risk before deciding on this measure.  In my case, not only was a liver biopsy ordered, but I had to have it done via catheter via the jugular vein in my neck so they could assess portal pressures.  Even the radiologist sat down and explained how "Tricky and complicated" this procedure is, then asked me if I had anyone there with me, or if I wanted to call someone to come to the hospital to be there... and that he would wait for them if so.  That's how risky this procedure is.  Where was T?  He dropped me off at the hospital for the procedure and went to work.

He dropped me off for the procedure and went to work.

As I sat in the critical care area waiting for the radiologist to return I looked around at the other patients there, some of which were waiting for their procedures to be done, or was in recovery mode. ALL of them had family and/or friends with them.  I was the only one there by myself.  Even the nurses kept asking me if I had someone there with me.

When the radiologist returned I told him no one would be there and to just go ahead.  He asked me if I had someone to take me home afterwards, and I told him yes.  One word.  Just 'yes.'  It's all I could say.

I was a little sad as I was taken into the surgical suite where they would do the ultrasound-guided procedure.  It was a painful process because I can't take morphine (allergy).  I felt it all and was awake.  Groggy, but awake.  When it was over they took me to recovery.  I called T and told him I was in recovery, and he said to call him when they released me and to meet me where he would be picking me up.  An aide took me downstairs to wait when the time came.  T didn't even bother coming up to walk with me.

This is the part when things begin to shift, when you see that person for the first time, when you look at them and barely recognize who you're looking at.  You wonder who they are and why you're there with them.  That's what I went through.  I wondered who this guy was who was, for the most part, behaving as if he were just some neighbor or something who gave me a ride that day because I had no other way to get to/from the hospital.  Who the hell IS this person? ... that's what I still ask on nearly an every day basis now.

My life became about me when I realized 'me' is all I had.  AIH, the lung issues (COPD), the worsening heart valve problem, the struggle with pain and other unpleasantness that refuses to resolve and stay resolved, all of it is MY struggle.  My struggle to get well; my struggle to cope, find answers, find strength, to continue to make choices based on what's right for my health and life.  In this I discovered that I couldn't continue to put his needs, wants, demands, etc. ahead of my health any longer.  I did that once before in my life and paid dearly with my health.  I'm not willing to do it again because, this time, the stakes are much higher.

I reserve the right to protect my life now.  T made choices as I gave him everything, as I put my own health second, my happiness last, placed my entire well-being on hold.  He made choices that benefitted him and hurt me in the process.  And he continues to do so.  Yes, I've told him.  No, he's not really responded with anything other than to feel sorry for himself.  He refuses to take a step back and LOOK at what he's done, what he's not done, and how it's changed the way I see him, and how I see US.

Been here, done that before.  I know how this works, and I know how guys like him think.  The more he pities himself, the more he refuses to acknowledge what's happened, the further back progress is pushed.  Now there's no progress.  Things aren't better.  And, frankly, I'm just too damn sick to fix it all myself.  It's been tossed in my lap, this stuff, and I'm not up to carrying the load anymore.

So every time I speak and he says "What?"... every time I repeat myself, only to have him retain very little of what I say, each time I'm sitting right next to him and talk.. and he says "What?" or pretends he heard me but didn't... I distance myself from him even more.  It's about protecting myself now, protecting my health, my life.

I absolutely refuse to allow another guy to suck the life right out of me.

Now when he says 'What?' I have only one reply:  "Never mind.  Seriously.  Just never mind."  T's response?... nothing.

So be it.

I see what you did there, Obama, and I'm not okay with it.

I warn people there's a RANT ahead.  Consider yourself warned, my friends.

No matter where you live in the world, I'm betting you know we're not in full-swing election mode... and the butthurt is strong.  Hey.. it's politics; can't really come out of the other side unscathed, so you have to put your big-girl (or big-boy) panties on and grow thicker skin.  Nature of the beast, my friends.  Nature of the beast.

We choose a side and sometimes change that stance as more information comes to light, GIVEN that the information isn't a steaming pile of political dung.  Media, oh yeah, they're somewhat the great shovelers of said dung, and given THAT... a smart individual will take everything with a grain of salt and seek out the most COMPLETE version of the story.

I support Donald Trump.  I won't apologize or explain my choice, because at this point there's no need.  The man's entire life has been in the public eye nearly ALL of his life from young adulthood and up.  Nothing new to see, nothing new to find, except that it wasn't popular to hate Donald Trump UNTIL he scared the crap out of the establishment and decided to run for the presidency.  Wow, right?  Hate-born of nothing more than a choice to run for office; a by-product of left-wing lunacy.

But my point here isn't to talk about the why I made my choice and am sticking with it 100%.  The point of this entry is to express my complete and utter bewilderment at the hate that spews from people, liberals, who are scared shitless that their free handouts might actually not be free for long, or that they'll somehow be required to do something utterly insane---like WORK for a living.

So the hate spews forth, and instead of focusing on supporting who they WANT to win the nomination for their side, they choose instead to bash the most likely opponent.  Um.  Really?  How does that help exactly?  It doesn't.  In fact, many liberals/democrats have switched sides because they no longer want to be affiliated with what, for every measure, is a chaotically organized hate group.  Sorry, but not sorry.  It's the truth.

What's even worse are is the BS from people who don't even live in this country, are not US citizens, and who have absolutely NO SAY in who we elect.  No offense to anyone who's a non-US citizen who reads this, but we know what's best for our country.  You can't bully or shame us into doing what you want.  It doesn't work that way and never will.

The current administration is a travesty, a fraudulent front of epic proportions.  Obama has all but destroyed our country and has taken GREAT pride in pushing his agenda of diversity.  Every month, sometimes every week, there's yet another BS move planned on his part to do whatever he wants to do without restraint, without listening to what the people want, without batting an eye at the long-term consequences of his wielding of power that he has virtually stolen.  He doesn't have the power he's using---he's TAKING it.

All the establishment talking-heads, all of them flailing about as the money rolls in from super pacs, all of them turning from real boy to pinoccio as the puppeteers pull and tug on the strings, while they dance and flail below the maniacal smile of ownership.  They are owned.  They accept the millions given to them and they're bought and paid for.  It's how it works.  They're loyalties are tied snuggly to those who handed them the goods, and the greed is the cement in which they step, willingly.

Donald Trump can't be bought.  He's self-funded, and he doesn't take any shit from anyone.  Few who hate him know anything about him.  Based on nothing but what they may have read on FB memes, or maybe cut, clipped and distorted comments, they don't bother to read his books, listen to the rally's he's given (can stream them or view them afterwards on youtube).  Based on BS they allow the lies to infest their already hate-filled minds and hearts and... they become blinded, enraged, and out of control.  All sense of order, logical and healthy thought-processes...GONE.  Just like that.

They've drank the blue kool aid willingly.

Most importantly, the hate is rampant in this country.  I don't mean just towards candidates or sides, but people have turned their hate on one another.  Division--brought about my Barrack Obama and his sociopathic ideals, tendencies, and needs.  Even as this country falls into disarray the libs continue their propaganda of hate, intolerance, and even self-loathing.  They can't seem to help themselves.  They just can't seem to stop.

This is the democratic machine in perfect working condition.

People refer to this as a sickness, illness, even lunacy.  Maybe they're right.  And I'm not saying everyone on the right is sane, mind you.  You'll find lunatics in just about every corner and facet of society.  Humans.. what can I say?

So what about this lunacy?  Well, it's barely controlled rage, really, hatred dug in so deep that they're literally blinded by it and fail to see anything even remotely reasonable.  Such as supporting a candidate who's lied her entire career, repeatedly, tried to cover up the truth by destroying evidence (and got caught), and was responsible for the deaths of soldiers (Benghazi).. for starters.  This candidate, Hillary Clinton, IS the so-called "war on women," as she defended her husband, Bill Clinton, when he was accused of raping women, etc.  So much for her fight agains the 'war on women.'

Their other main choice of the libs is Bernie Sanders--and they're supporting him while attempting to call Donald Trump a "Fascist."  Um, well, first of all... I'm embarrassed for them, for starters, because they've NO idea what fascism is.  I can only shake my head at this.  Bernie the socialist, the guy who they like because he promises them money for nothing, promises to give, give, give and claims it will all be.... free.  Free?  There's no such thing as FREE anything!  Someone pays for it, and it's the working class citizens who do.

Free stuff:  Now for the record, let me make one thing perfectly CLEAR: Conservatives have no problem with giving social aid to people who actually NEED it.  I'm not EVEN going to go into the millions of people who literally ride out their entire lives, able to work, but choosing not to in order to get free money, food stamps (EBT), and free medical.  All the while those who are struggling to make ends meet continue to work to pay for those who refuse to work.  NOT okay.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch....

Donald Trump has spent his entire life giving opportunity to people, including women... who hold most of the highest paid positions in his companies.  His goal is jobs, income, returning the jobs back to the American work force so people can reach for the 'American Dream,' which Obama has spent his time in office trying to completely destroy.

Most of us are pissed off, fed up, and are speaking out.  Many of us have had a change of heart because our eyes were finally opened.  I'm one of those people!  I was raised in a Republican household, but I chose the democrat side early on.  I even voted for Obama THE FIRST TIME because I was utterly stupid.  I can admit how easily I fell for his pack of lies, false promises, and his ability to schmooze people.  I had that glass of kool aid right up to my mouth, too.  Difference between me and most liberals is that I FREAKING WISED UP!  I pay attention, and I'm good at it.  But I was brainwashed into the whole liberal agenda when I was younger and voting age, and it came about mostly because I have a soft heart and hate to see people suffering and in need.  I grew up very very poor, so I understood the struggle and hated it with all I was.  What I failed to understand is that there was another way of thinking, one that put ME in charge and not the government.  Better late than never, here I am in a complete turn around.  I can thank Obama for that one!

I also admit that prior to Obama running I'd become completely disillusioned by politics, politicians, and even the voting process.  I believed that my vote didn't count for anything, and that not a single politician had my best interest at heart.  I didn't see or hear anyone speaking to or for ME.  I didn't vote, and I told people this: "I'm afraid that who I vote for will win."  Says it all, doesn't it?  I didn't trust anymore.

When Obama schmoozed the public with saying and doing ALL the right things, acting in a fashion that people called "Presidential," I began to wake up and pay attention again.  When he spoke of 'change' I erroneously believed him.  He was very well practiced, had superb speech-writers, and I chose to believe that those had to be his own personal words and that he meant them.  I woke up, but I didn't know it was to be in a nightmare that would span 8.. very long years.

The bewilderment set in when the promise of health care looked like a real possibility.  I was sick, very sick, and I eventually was unable to work.  Long story short, "Obamacare" did NOTHING to help me at all.  Ending up in a hospital twice meant my credit cards were maxed to the limit to cover the bills.  Out of work with no savings I struggled to pay them off and, a few years later, I'm almost there.  My health insurance actually came about due to a marriage.  yeah.. Obamacare helps no one really.  I was broke and unemployed, sick and had dangerous heart problems no one could or would help me with.  Obamacare for most people.. is a complete failure.

But we have bigger problems than the Obamacare disaster.

Obama, in his last couple of years in office, has set his sites on dividing and destroying this country, and he's incited the weak-minded people to take up this fight FOR HIM.  He doesn't need to do anything but light the fire under the already smoldering ground...

And he did.  And he continues to do so.

In the background, around the rest of the world, people are clueless as to what's really happening here.  But I know.  We all know.  Those of us in our right minds anyway...

In a full turn-around from a little over two years ago.. I switched parties to Republican/Conservative. I won't be going back.  The poison is now out of my system and I see things for what they really are. Funny thing, too.. a lot of other liberals have switched.  We can at least thank Obama for being stupid enough to open our eyes.

Yes, I know this is a long entry, and for those of you who stuck with it and read... thank you!  It had to be said.  I had to get this off my chest.  I'm tired of the same ole same ole, as many of us are.  We're done with politicians, done with the insane hate from the left, done with the rest of the world bashing us because they think they know what's happening here.

If you do live in another country, beware of the media lies, the deceit, because we DO NOT have unbiased media here in the USA.  It's always been slanted, but over the past couple of years, and especially with this run for presidential nominees... the media has literally been turned into chaotic works of FICTION.

Please, before you decide to hate Americans, or to hate Donald Trump, KNOW that you CANNOT trust the media 99% of the time.  Remember Trump has been in the media eye, the public eye, for nearly ALL of his life, and that it's only been since he decided to run for president that he's become popular to hate... with the left-wingers.

It's a good rule of thumb--- "Hate what you KNOW, NOT what you THINK you know!"

If you've made it to the bottom of this... thank you...