Out of My Hands.

This isn't the first time someone has sought to control me.  One big difference with the previous experience with a control freak is that, this time, it's not as much abusive as damaging in more insidious ways.  While I strive for better health, reaching for remission of this AIH, striving to lift myself above the miserable effects of illness and its treatments, I find this mountain I have to climb isn't of my own making, and I wonder often... how the hell did I get here?

Point blank--when someone is dealing with health issues that REQUIRE certain dietary changes you just don't go against better judgment, advice, and information.  With everything I'm dealing with, with my BP skyrocketing into stage 4 hypertension (brought about by Prednisone, I'm told), you don't hand that person a bag of salty chips and walk away.  This is basically what T is doing.

How do you "Forget" something so important?  The deep-seated indifference has become a danger to my health now, and given that I can't even so much as walk across a parking lot, much less through a grocery store, I'm completely at T's mercy here.  I can't walk, stand, or do anything without excruciating pain in my back---something they've not gotten to the bottom of.  All we know so far, due to an MRI, is that it's NOT spina-related.  AI or what, then?  Doesn't matter at this point.  What matters is that I do the things I'm supposed to do to get myself well, healed, and healthy again.  And the one person who has most of the control has chosen to disregard even the doctor's advice.  WTH??

Bringing home everything I'm not supposed to eat.  Salt, sugar, junk, processed foods, and deciding that a piece of meat for dinner is somehow healthy... I simply don't understand.  I have to eat more vegetables and fruit, yet I can't stand at a counter long enough to make salad.  Ugh.  It's exhausting even talking about it at this point because I'm weak and having trouble thinking.  Where is this going to leave me in the end?  Destroying my health one meal at a time is what's happening now, and I have no idea what to do about it.

I've been here before, though it was much much worse.  Getting 'sick,' even with the cold or flu, wasn't allowed.  And if I DID get sick, or if something was making me less-than healthy or energetic, I was treated like garbage and made to feel horrible for 'daring' to get sick to begin with.  Back then, just a few short years ago, I had no idea I was dealing with THREE heart arrhythmias AND an autoimmune disease that was trying to destroy my liver.  I didn't have health insurance, and the clinic I went to wasn't aggressive with testing for most things.  All I knew is that I didn't feel well or was very sick and tired and hurting a lot of the time, something that my ex wasn't on board with.

You find out quickly who cares for you when you become sick.  Trust me on this.

This time around I'm with someone who emphatically claims to love me, care for me, and tells me I'm the most important person in his life.  He volunteers this information---I don't ask for it.  My last relationship taught me to not trust people, anyone in fact.  Maybe one day I'll get past that.  Maybe not.  I have no idea.  So when T tells me he loves me then sets out to undermine my attempts at healing and obtaining better health... it makes me not trust him, or his motives.  Echoes of the recent past have come back to haunt me, laying waste to so much I've strived to overcome.

I guess I have to accept the fact that in many regards this whole thing is out of my hands.  As long as I'm too sick, too weak, and too painful (lower back) to fend for myself 100%... I'm vulnerable and at the mercy of another.  And for the second time in my life the people who I'm at the mercy of don't really have my best interests at heart.  Well, T does... but fails to remember what's needed and necessary for me to recover.  I really don't know how to take that.

I'm heading to the other room here in a few minutes, my retreat, my decompression chamber.  The day is somewhat overcast, which will make rest and relaxation a bit easier.  There's something soothing in cloudy days.  While I need and want and love those sunny days, the clouds are still welcomed from time to time.

"I Forgot"

I hear that phrase a lot these days.  What does it mean, exactly, I'm not sure; but I know how it feels.  Having to rely on someone for ANY reason requires trust, and I mean absolute trust.  Having to rely on someone who's betrayed that trust on a daily basis is a hell I wouldn't wish on a single soul.

I absolutely MUST get better, well, healthy.

It's not like I haven't been here before.  Being sick isn't fun for anyone, and being sick in the presence of someone who lacks compassion, or who FAKES compassion, is stressful, uncomfortable, and more than just a little sad.  I have to say I'm surprised at how many people lack even the minimal amount of compassion required to be 'human.'  Is this really the norm now?  I have to make myself believe it's not the norm, because it it is then human beings are in serious, serious trouble.

There seems to be a limited coffer in which compassion comes in only specific quantities--at least in some people.  And when dipping into the reserve almost appears as a painful event for narcissists.  There are rules as well that must be followed lest you end up on the wrong side of favor with those types.  Timing, whether or not it's convenient (for one to be sick), how long the illness will take to resolve, and if none of the criteria is met then the faux compassion is quickly discarded and the true feelings of resentment and irritation is revealed. Yes, it's been there all along, but that person, that narcissist has grown weary of caring for you.

It's heartbreaking to feel that kind of compassionless ire radiating from someone you love, someone you THOUGHT or THINKS loves you.  It's the worst kind of betrayal, because we all long for unconditional love; something a narcissist is incapable of.  They can play the part, but the script changes dramatically when it comes to the test of time, and it does so every single time.  As for the threshold of said narcissist's limit for compassion, care, love, and selflessness depends on the individual and how much the narcissist is "paid" for their pseudo-love and false devotion.

For me, right now in my current situation, it's a matter of indifference and lack of action that's the real problem.  Half-assing his way through just about everything (except his own personal needs) is a way of life for him.  This was also the case with a past relationship of mine in which half-assing was more like an art form, a 'skill' in which the narcissist patted himself on the back for having such prowess.  Congratulating himself for a lack of feeling, caring, compassion, empathy... while blaming me for his lack of caring.

As things currently stand it's a matter of way too many "I forgot" statements that are more like fingernails dragging down a chalkboard than anything remotely comforting.  Yes, we all forget, some of us forget a lot of things.  But when it comes to the really important matters forgetting isn't well-accepted.

The important matters, while I won't go into details, are serious ones that impact my quality of life and health.  Forgetting isn't even an option to most normal, caring individuals, but in T's case... it's a way of life, something he does, and something he doesn't feel important enough to address.. though he emphatically says so.  I don't buy it, and I don't because you can't put all forgetfulness on a level playing field with every single situation and circumstance.  Forgetting to run a dishwasher, for example, isn't on the same level of importance as forgetting putting the wrong medication in the wrong place when it can risk the person's life.

If there is any compassion inside, any at all, it comes into play without having to invoke it, no matter what.

This is more of a rant than anything.  I'm both disheartened and disappointed at T's behavior.  I have no interest whatsoever in trying to make him understand.  I have far too many other things to focus on, including (but not limited to) new issues that I have to see the doctor for tomorrow morning.  Enough is enough, and I've had enough.  My life has changed drastically, and I'm trying to get it back on track, get healthy, and stress isn't something I need right now.  In fact, on prednisone.. stress is to be avoided at all costs.  Many days this means disappearing into my room/Girl Cave in order to stretch out, listen to music, and shut the entire world away....

..I've had to resort to that withdrawal far too many times these days...

Life... or Whatever.

NOTE: This particular entry has sat in my drafts for a few days, a couple of days.  There are times when I have to ask myself.. "Do I really want to share this?"and the reason is that wanting to and NEEDING to are two entirely different things.  I have to decide.  I have to know why I'm sharing.  I know it sounds silly to some, but my choice in the matter is for a very good reason.  And today I'm taking the FIDIAW (Fk it, do it anyway) stance.  Why not?

Let's get on with it then, shall we?

There comes a time when you have to make a choice between your health and happiness, and the PROMISE of health and happiness.  Knowing what the difference is between those two things is critical for emotional, and many times physical, survival.  No one, and I mean NO ONE is worth allowing your health to be torn down, your emotional health beaten and battered.  I've been here before, and I recognize what it is, and I'm not going to lay down and let myself be trampled underfoot.

Overt bullying is easy to spot.  Narcissistic behavior, once you know what it is, can be easy to spot.  But there are other delivery methods of delivery when it comes to destructive behavior, so you have to be very careful not to fall prey to the guilting that precedes that behavior.  Those many-times subtle clues can save you a world of stress, anxiety, and damage; heed them, or pay the consequences.

Past experiences with a narcissist has taught me much; not just about what to look for in terms of what's good or bad for me, but also in my own reactions to the information.  I don't always practice what I preach, because I am human and still not healed from the past experiences, but I'm at least aware of the decisions I make and what they can and will most likely do to my ultimate survival.  Being aware is a good thing.

There is nothing worse than being at the mercy of another:

After my last couple of relationships, one that lasted the better part of 11 years, I learned to despise having to depend on a single soul for anything.  And by 'depend' I mean for anything, be it emotional support, love, companionship, or even financial help if the proverbial shit hits the fan.  Many people have loving family, friends, and/or a significant other who is there for them through thick and thin, and in those kinds of relationships all parties on all sides do what they do out of love and compassion, not expecting anything in return for whatever help and/or support they provide.  Bonds like that are truly a blessing, but a blessing I know nothing of myself but for my sons.  Thing is about having kids, even grown kids with kids of their own, is that you do everything in your power to keep them OUTSIDE of the problems and worry.  My sons would worry horribly if they only knew what goes on in my life, and what I've gone through in the past.  They know very little, and that's because I love them and know they would worry themselves sick and make decisions at their own peril just to help me.  No.. I'm not about to do that.

Being at someone's mercy when your chronically sick is worse than any other kind of dependancy.  You find out quickly who gives a shit and who doesn't, and it will usually bring out the very worst in people.  I'm finding this to be the case across the board and have plenty of history as proof.  Not being comfortable to talk to anyone about anything, holding back the truth about how bad I feel, what's really bothering me, that I need someone to talk to, someone to just listen without judgment, just to be gentle at times, kind... is really a hell on earth, I have to admit.  But then, this isn't a new experience for me.

As my health declines, as my energy wanes, as I'm completely anchored to this house by symptoms of both AI disease and the treatments, as I watch life rush past me while I'm unable to participate, as asking for any help requires begging, reminding, and the 'guilt' that's pushed at me for having asked, I long SO VERY MUCH for the freedom of being single, living alone, and answering to NO ONE at all.  You're probably wondering how I could live alone and not ask for help if I'm having to ask for help NOW.. right?  Well, therein is the problem I have, and one that is so much worse than the illness I'm dealing with.

AI disease is forever, but relationships don't have to be:

Wow, yeah.. I actually just said that.  I suppose I've been able to recognize that I SUCK at choosing which men I become involved with.  So it only makes sense that I stop choosing at all.  Oddly, this is the decision I made after my last relationship.  I didn't need or want another relationship because I'd had just about enough of all it entails and found the price (paying with my self-esteem etc) was just too high.  So if there is anything I can actually STOP that's doing me harm, why shouldn't I?  After giving my all in this situation and the last, and still struggling just to maintain, I have to wonder at the insanity of that choice.  Right?  It just doesn't make sense to stay in a situation that is ultimately going to destroy you in the end.

I have absolutely nothing left inside---again.  How did I get here... again?

Well, foregoing the fact that the above is a rhetorical question, let me just say that I don't recognize anything good or uplifting in staying here.  I've developed an unwillingness to sacrifice myself again, and maybe because there's still a tiny part of me that clings to hope about some kind of future.  Whatever it is, it's a loud and urgent voice warning me to beware of who I give my power to.

I feel the need to distance myself.

This is also something quite familiar, a reaction I recognize as an act of necessary self-preservation.  My need to retreat, the need to just sink into some safe place where I can heal, be at peace, and turn my thoughts and energy to the possibility of having a much better life, a healthier life, by finding my way out.  This could just be wishful thinking, too...

What Will it Take?

The daily battle of ripping myself out of the 'homesick' feelings is exhausting.  It's not like every waking minute is filled with dreams of how life was a couple of years ago when I lived in Mobile, when it was just myself and my pets.  And don't for a minute think that was a lonely life.  I mean, sure, it was a little lonely at times, but it was peaceful having only myself to contend with and not another soul to judge, make me feel bad, make me question myself, and the only sources of stress and anxiety were actual NORMAL stressors that most people have to deal with.  Life--was just simpler then.

I don't for a minute regret this life I'm in now.  Well, maybe I have a couple of times.  But I know that there are good things that came from my choices to be with T, to live HERE instead of where I really consider 'home' (Mobile, AL).  I get where I was and where I am and how I got here.  I feel the appreciation for the things that make life better.  I also understand what it is about this life that really isn't at all good for me.  In fact, I'm extremely clear on what's not working for me here.

My hands are tied at the moment by Autoimmune disease(s) and the effects of the medications that are necessary for remission.  There's a reason I'm here, right now, exactly where I am and under what circumstances.  Though I don't pretend to understand it all, I know that whatever my purpose is here is somehow necessary.  It's the only thing I can say on that matter.  In the great scheme of things, as the situation is what it is, a very cautious part of me is watching how much stress my body and spirit can handle and looking for signs that things need to change, and change immediately.  No reason to be blind, because it could cost me everything.  And I mean everything.

When I look at my surroundings now I'm not sure how I feel.  I like the house, the location, and the view is spectacular.  But the biggest influence in my surroundings is T, and he's chronically unplugged, indifferent, and rarely can see, hear, interact or connect with anything outside of his own skin.  That's a big problem for me.  I'm down to disconnecting entirely so I have the freedom to take care of myself above and beyond him.  He's healthy and grown and fully capable of taking care of himself.  He's off in his own world most of the time anyway.

I'm going to have to call it quits here for now.  My body is urging me to step away from the computer,  that it's past time to stop and rest.  Oh, but I've learned the hard way that ignoring those signals is a VERY bad idea.

Finding Me

I'm not lost.  I'm not invisible, though I FEEL that way most of the time.  I know who I am, for the most part.  I can look at my life objectively and see where I've gone terribly wrong.  I have a sense now of protecting my health, my sanity, my life, and I won't allow anyone to derail that.  I've come a very, very long way.

I have a purpose just like any other, and a couple of relationship experiences has taught me that I can't lose sight of the fact that I don't need anyone else telling me I'm worthwhile.  Selfish people will spend a LOT of time telling you you're not worthwhile, not worth their time, effort, love.  And why do we allow this?  The answer to that is different for every person, but the one thing that we all have in common is the TYPE person we chose to bring into our lives.

I'm right here, right now, alive and feeling; I've always been here.  Though a couple of people I had in my life tried frantically to diminish who and what I am, and they nearly succeeded, they FAILED.  I know this because I was able to finally walk away from the situation and felt that terrible, heavy weight lift as I did so.  Even in the absence of real closure I know I saved myself by steering clear.

This situation I'm in now with my health is a big uncertainty in my life and I have to accept that.  I have no idea, going forward, what to expect and have to take things one day at a time, literally.  What little energy I have can't be spent on yet another person who doesn't have my best interests at heart or in mind.  Now, on the surface that may sound selfish, but since my health and life are at stake.. I can't leave anything to chance, nor can I just pour my life and future into someone else the way I had in the past.  There's nothing selfish about taking care of myself, and it's taken me a couple of years to actually believe this.

I don't care if anyone thinks I'm selfish right now.  I do all I can for others as much as my energy and health will allow.  The people who love me understand.  And the people, past and present, who don't love me don't understand at all and stand in judgment.  Thankfully, the numbers in that particular group are ridiculously small.

This is not the time for me to turn my focus away from the very real AI disease(s) I'm dealing with.  Both the one confirmed and the one yet-to-be-confirmed are very serious and require life-long treatment.  No one has given me a prognosis, because there's really no way to at this point.  No one can guarantee me anything, and what they're left with is telling me the possibilities as far as what my life expectancy is WITH and WITHOUT treatment.  I've started treatment, as you guys know.  I've begun that journey, but it's going a lot slower than anticipated.  Still, my odds with treatment are far better than without.  Even knowing THAT I'm given NO guarantees of what will be a year from now, 5 years from now, or even next month.

All I can do is take very good care of myself and avoid stress and anxiety.  And herein lies the biggest problem--my life with T, my past that haunts me... all bring stress and anxiety in like a flood.  Not 24/7.. but enough to make each day just one more opportunity to work my way past that.

Finding myself sounds so damn cliche, and so much so that I cringe just thinking those words.  But it's something I can't ignore.  I'm here, but I don't recognize the person in the mirror, the sick person with the dark circles under the eyes, etc.  It's okay, though.  I know and understand the drill.  That sick person in the mirror needs TLC, patience, understanding, and love.  I'm really pretty much the only one that can provide that.  It's still me in there, looking back...


It's still me in there looking back....

A Few Precious Minutes to Myself

People sometimes want what they don't have, covet what they will never have, and forget to appreciate the important things they're almost guaranteed.  Why does this happen?  I can't speak for everyone and won't try to, but I do know ALL of us fall prey to this.  And if you're one of the few who think you don't.. I would suggest taking a few steps back and looking good and long at your life, because you may just be missing out in ways you never even realized.

We get too close to see the big picture.

It's not like I can't admit to over-scrutinizing my life and everything in it.  It's where I am at the moment, always in that mode of trying to figure things out and understand.  The whole understanding this is part of who I am, and yes... I can over-think things because of this.  It's okay, though, because eventually I discard the deadwood information I glean from digging in too deep.  It's a bit like cleaning house.  Seriously, if you look too closely for dust.. you're going to find it.  Yeah, you know what I mean.

I spend my insomniac nights over-thinking in order to try and solve problems.  It doesn't work.  I know it doesn't work.  But I do it anyway.  And I shouldn't, really, because it just makes me freaking tired.  Okay, so where am I going with this?....

Alone time.  Me time.  Just time to myself to sort through the muddle that's my life right now has become as important as sleep, as breathing.. because I'm finding that in that space, while I can actually take a breath and breathe, think, and allow the quiet outside to seep in a bit, I feel better.  No really, I just feel better in that state.  Maybe it's the whole needing to hang on to my independence thing, not sure.  But it doesn't matter the why as much as it matters what good it does to my soul, my spirit, my being..to simply have the time to take to regroup and heal inside and out.  It's hard to explain that last part, so I'm not going to try.  Many of you may already understand what I mean.

This morning, on a Saturday, I'm able to take time to just drink coffee, read a bit online, listen to the absolute quiet.  I hear the heater running, a ticking clock in the breakfast nook, the wind when it rushes through the big trees outside.  I hear all of this and know it's all about 'the still.'

I'm appreciative for these rare and precious moments when I have less pain, when the depression isn't taking hold, when I can sit and drink coffee and just... be... me.  Life will return shortly, and everything will change.  I'm hoping that this weekend will be peaceful and not filled with my chasing life while it dashes and darts away just out of reach.

In the meantime, as I sit here in the quiet, my past history visits.  This time, however, I'm not shaken by any of it and can simply look at what was and see it as.. 'what was.'

I'm not controlled by anyone anymore, and that gives me peace.

I don't have to use every single ounce of my energy trying to please another person, and that gives me peace.

I don't have to meet anyone's demands, and that gives me peace.

I can say "NO" to that which harms me, including people, and that gives me peace.

I don't need anyone to tell me I'm okay, or loved, or liked, etc, and that gives me peace.

I can take care of myself without guilt, and that gives me peace.

I don't have to ask permission for anything, and that gives me peace.

I can listen to my instincts and follow them, and that gives me peace.

My know my choices are mine, and that gives me peace.

I have found my voice, and that gives me peace.

I can speak my mind, my truth, out loud, and that gives me peace.

I don't have to explain myself unless I choose to, and that gives me peace.

I don't have to cater to another, and that gives me peace.

I choose to not be bullied, and that gives me peace.

I can stand up for myself without guilt, and that gives me peace.

I don't have to listen, take, or act on advice I know isn't good for me, and that gives me peace.

There is a long list of things that give me peace, and while my life isn't perfect (and NO ONE'S ever will be, including mine) it's still MY LIFE.  MY life.  So in this imperfection of life I know things won't always be rainbows and sunshine and butterflies (well, maybe butterflies).  I accept the reality of reality and can choose to live accordingly.  I can make these choices because I broke free from a relationship that sought to destroy all I am.  While I didn't come out of the station unscathed, I walked away with enough of myself to know I'm healing JUST by making that exit.  I walked right out of the dark and into life.

In the still I can sometimes see better, think more clearly, and take an inventory of what should be kept and what should be discarded or changed.  This isn't a bad thing, btw.  I realize what I need to work on.  I'm aware of those things that I need to change.

I'm not going to be anything but myself.  Gone are the days when I try to reinvent myself for another person.  And trust me, the whole 'reinventing' oneself thing isn't a bad thing as along as we remember to still be ourselves while making those changes.  Trying to be anything or anyone else is a total recipe for disaster.  I tried it to suit another and am still paying the price for that huge mistake.

Don't ever let anyone tell you to change who you are.  Take it from me, someone who's tried that, it will only wreck you.  The only thing you really need to remember when someone is trying to change you, insisting you change, is how that demand makes you FEEL.  If it feels wrong, it is.  Self-doubt isn't good either, and anyone who instills doubt within you by their words, their actions, their demands are simply trying to make THEIR life better while destroying yours.  Appreciate the person you are.

Appreciate the person you are.  This means, appreciate everything about you, the good, the bad, the kooky, whatever it is that's inherently you, appreciate it all.  Change those things that YOU see needs changing.  Listen to input from those who actually love you and hold your best interests in mind when they speak.

One more cup of coffee...

Governing What I Allow in My Life

It's not a cliche.  When people say "It helps me to help others," they mean it.  Yet there is another side to that coin that few speak of, and that other side is the one that can set you back a good ways in recovering from your own experiences.  Yet, some of us do want to help very much, because we know all too well that we wish that someone would've been there to help us, thinking that if only I'd had the information THEN...

I know I've mentioned before that I stopped therapy shortly before I moved.  Being 3 hours away from my therapist meant, well, that commute just wouldn't have worked out for me.  She was great, and I appreciate all she did for me, but there were some issues with that therapist (not a psychologist btw) that eventually brought me to a place where I didn't trust her much anymore.  One example is that she told me that the heart arrhythmia I'd had my whole life, discovered as a child and getting MUCH worse as an adult.. simply was in my head.  As it turned out, as many of you who've been reading my blogs for a while, is that I had cardiac ablation for THREE arrythmias, all dangerous in that they can cause stroke and heart failure if left untreated.  I'd had a TIA (mini stroke) in 2013 (early) that should've been a red flag for the doctors, but not having health insurance meant I had few options available to me for proper diagnosis and treatment.  Still, the last few sessions I had with my therapist she'd mentioned that what I thought was my heart wasn't real.  Yet it was, and it was discovered when I finally got insurance and wore a heart event monitor.. where they detected SVT, AFib, and atrial flutter.

Moving on, I've not been back to a therapist since.  Not because Beverly didn't believe me when I talked to her about my health (because she ASKED), but because I just don't have the time or energy or stamina or strength to take on yet one more appointment.  Eventually I will pursue another therapist, because I've yet to find a convincing way to get myself past the damage done by an ex, a narcissist.

So be it.

At least once a week I search for new information.  Well, that's not entirely true.. and it's not really 'new' information as much as new articles, patient/victim accounts via article or video.  I'm looking and seeking as all others like me are for answers and explanations, or just a way to make sense of the senseless.  And when I talk about this topic, when I drudge up the memories, when I have to face it again... even if by my own choice... I'm still left with that unsettling feeling that I really need to understand, despite there really being no way to do so; this in and of itself is part of the damage.

And still I seek answers.  And still I talk.  And still I share.  And still I remember because forgetting isn't an option.

I am able to observe the pieces of the chaos and see the big picture.  Everything I went through had an absolute pattern, even if I didn't see it then.  It wasn't at all random, and it was very much the M.O. of a malignant narcissist.  Not having the knowledge at the time only made more of a mess in my head and in my life, which is usually the case when you've not been around someone like that before. Yet, I have been around someone like that before; my mom.  I won't go into that here, but I have spoken about it in the past.  At this time, however, it's rather outside the scope of what I'm addressing at the moment.

It's easy for a narcissist to make you feel unloved, unwanted, and ultimately discarded as worthless and of no use.  In fact, MY narcissist told me I had no use in his life.  What shocked me at the time was all the demands he made, the type of demands one asks only of their GF or wife.  I wasn't useful any longer because I'd stopped being his narcissistic supply, something I've talked a great deal about in my other blogs... because I'd not created this blog just yet.  Anyway, feeling unloved, unwanted, and unappreciated was the very foundation of my relationship with that person.  While pushed away, ignored, yelled at, yet charged with the task of holding the relationship together solely on my own, my spirit withered beneath the onslaught.  When you love someone you will do whatever it takes to make sure they're happy.  The difference between someone with a strong, health self-esteem and someone like me is that... I continued to do 'whatever' to my own detriment, whereas a stronger woman would have told that person to F off early on.

I didn't recognize what I was dealing with until it was too late.

For those who know, for those who've been where I've been, you know all too well how this thing plays out.  Bringing on the charm, saying and doing all the right things at first, looking all too good to be true, you fall, and you fall hard.  Not having the energy to rehash the details, I'll just say that people can only hold the false persona for only so long, and when the mask begins to slip... you're already in too deep to see what's behind it.

In my case I was completely and totally heads-over-heels in love.  I would've done anything for this person and ended up doing things I wouldn't' ordinarily do.  I'll leave it at that.  And it added to the damage in the long run.  Still, I didn't SEE.  Still, I remained blind as hell.  Maybe by choice, I'm thinking, because I didn't want THAT to be true.

As time passed and I was shown that I would always have to prove myself, prove my love for him, and then eventually prove that I was deserving of him, his love, his attention.  I was punished if I didn't do EXACTLY what he wanted, asked, or demanded.  I was punished for having my own mind and thoughts and wants and needs, dreams, passions.  I was punished by the withdrawal of love, affection, even sex.  Seriously.  No joke.  Stonewalling alternating with gaslighting began to wreck me from the inside out, and I was so oblivious to what was happening.  I knew it was SO very wrong what was happening, but I was told it was solely MY fault for SO long and so many times that I eventually began to believe it myself.  I was to blame.  For everything.

My character was questioned and criticized.  My body was criticized.  The way I dressed, the way I looked, how much I weighed, what I ate or didn't eat, how long it took me to get ready to go somewhere, how long it took me to put on makeup or do my hair or take a shower, if I needed to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night; there wasn't anything sacred and it wall fair game when it came to criticism.

This wore on me for a very long time, and as the years passed I no longer recognized who I was anymore.  Being told to change nearly EVERYTHING about me, then being told I'd changed completely and was as perfect a reason as anything to break up with me... split my spirit right down the middle.  I'd let this go on for far too long, and again.. because I didn't recognize what I was dealing with until it was too late.

Today I still deal with the damage.  Today I still look for ways to understand.  Today is a new day filled with beginnings that are often crushed by this undercurrent of doubt that I can't quite calm.  So I look, read, listen, watch, and I try to remind myself that it wasn't all for nothing, that I learned something very important along the way.  But nothing is really healed.  Not yet.  And this is why I talk about this on a regular basis, why I created a blog specifically for this purpose, this topic.  Because I'm not the only one dealing with this.

Sooner or later the scales will tip and my life will be back in balance.  It's difficult to obtain that balance when you still struggle with reminding yourself who and what you are, trying to split the lies from the truth, trying to put the pieces of your spirt back together again, and all the while trying to hush the echoes of hateful words that can't be unheard.

Living with a chronic illness doesn't help, but it does remind me how important getting your balance back is in the great scheme of things.  Healing the damage will bring ease to my spirit, comfort to my soul, and inner kindness back to the broken me once again.  It's okay to be broken, btw. Broken doesn't mean you deserve less love, less respect, or less opportunity to be who you are.

.... more to come....

Need to rest...

Today is not the best day for that

Sunday.  End of the week.  The last chance to get anything done.  I totally understand sleeping in, though my body won't allow me to do that.  I understand T wanting to sleep in.  Totally get it.  My only thought in that is: What will he do with the waking time?  We're not exactly in 'normal circumstances' mode right now, as we are still surrounded by boxes and clutter from things that need to be either put away, assembled and put away, or just organized and cleaned out.  I did most of that myself during the first week on Prednisone, and I'm afraid I actually overdid things because, honestly, I didn't know how much energy I would have from one day to the next, and I don't have any help here but for T.  And truly.. he's very little help.

My son, the one who lives closest to me, is till roughly about 4 hours drive away.  Not really close in the great scheme of things.  But he's offered to come here and help.  The trouble I have with that is that he'd have to take off work in order to do that, and have an 8hr round trip drive.  And just to do things that T can actually do himself.  Oh, there are other alternatives, but T won't allow it.  This is also another issue I have with this situation---not being able to make a decision on my own and actually act upon it.  I'm really rather tired of being treated like a child, a slave, and am so very close to just saying... F it all.

I do what I can with what my body and energy will allow.  I push, and I push, and I keep pushing long-past what I know I should really be doing.  It isn't enough, though.  For all that I can do, the remaining tasks are out of my reach at this time.  So who's going to do this?

I offered to look online, call around, and find a "handyman" who can do these relatively simple tasks. I can't even tell you how tired I am of walking around boxes that have been sitting here for nearly a month now.  It doesn't make sense.  It just doesn't make sense.  Except in that I know T for what he is, and he's a guy who could literally care less if the house he lives in falls apart around him.  How do I know this?  Well, for starters, I remember the first time I saw his house, the one he lived in for 10 years.  The disarray, to say the least, was uncomfortable, and it (for all practical purposes) looked like an abandoned house inside as NOTHING was ever cleaned.  I refused to take a shower at his house, because I felt I would be clean if I stayed OUT of those bathrooms/showers.  Dear God, you've no idea how bad it was.

I felt sorry for him at the time, and I even tried cleaning it up myself FOR him.  It was an IMPOSSIBLE task.  I spent hours trying to scrub stuff that simply would not come off.  And I'm telling you, that was just in the bathtub and shower.  And the smell...

He told me that his ex wife was to blame.  He said she made a mess out of everything and wouldn't clean the house, etc., etc.  However, he'd been divorced and living away from her for YEARS.  So what about cleaning all that up after she left???  How about hiring someone to come in and get things right so you don't live in filth?  I bought the story.  Stupid, stupid, stupid me. Why the hell do I insist on trusting people, I've no idea, as history repeats itself in the guys I end up with??

So here I am, 2nd anniversary just yesterday, and I look at the pattern of what is and what is not done in this house, and the last one we lived in, and I see that exact pattern in him.  I KNOW there are guys out there that AREN'T looking for a mother, you know.. someone to clean up after them etc.  Because I've met men who took great pride in what they have, what they own, and they respected their investments, be it home or car or belongings of any kind.  Oh, but there've been a couple I've been with who take everything they have for granted and let it fall to waste... claiming.. they don't take their stuff for granted.  Right.  Proof is in the pudding, sir.

In the midst of this clutter I long for a better life.  How can I not?  I'm not a filthy person, and I despise clutter.  I grew up with a mother who was a hoarder, and I hated that even as a child. Why would I be okay with it as an adult?  T isn't really a hoarder, though there are a few aspects of what he does that hint at the tendency.  Keeping crap that he says he's going to sell one day but never sells anything.  Keeping things that he will never ever use, claiming he might use them one day.  And as it piles up and there's no room for anything... that's where the tendency or pre-disposition shows itself clearly.  The only difference is that he doesn't buy new things and keep them.

I'm about functionality.  Yes, and having lovely surroundings is part of who I am as well, part of being a woman really.  At least most women.  It's that nesting thing.  I like that about me, and I'm not willing to change that at all.  No matter what you have or don't have you can still make things nice, clean, livable, and make it look and feel like home.  If you're living with someone who could care less about that, then you may find yourself struggling on a daily basis to maintain that feeling.  And THAT is where I am right now.

We moved here because I needed peace, serenity, to get out of a racket and noise-filled city.  I didn't dislike our neighbors, except for the ones we knew were selling drugs. They were eventually evicted anyway.  But the noise, and looking out the front window to see anything but inspiring sites.  It was grating on my nerves.  T, however, could live anywhere in any neighborhood and be okay with it.  That's what it looks like when someone doesn't give a shit.  I'm so opposite of that, though, and it's causing a great deal of unrest and turmoil in my life.  And don't even get me started on the anxiety.

What did I discover after the move?  I discovered that it's still insanely difficult to find my peace, and it seems like the only time I actually ever have it is when I'm alone, or when I'm laying in bed at night.  Oh, and I guess I didn't mention we're sleeping in separate rooms because T snores like a freight train and I was getting absolutely NO sleep whatsoever.  I'm sorry, but his not wanting to sleep by himself is lower on the totem pole than my declining health.  I was firmly warned by my GI specialist, my lung doctor, and even my primary care physician... that if I kept sleeping minimally that it would have dire effects on my heart, my lungs, and my overall health.  And now that I know I'm dealing with at least one autoimmune disease, I can't risk the triggers such as physical and emotional stress, especially while on prednisone.

So what does it all mean, then?  Where do I go from here?  Can I even FIX anything wrong here?

PART II of this will address precisely where I am at the moment, choices I have to make, and so on....

Fun Stuff and the Continued Muddle of Health

So, on a high note today.. I got an Apple Watch.  Pretty cool little gadget, and I really needed a watch.  Made perfect sense.  Came in a HUGE box, so (like my iPhone 6 Plus) I've dubbed it my "WatchASaurus."  Opted for the rose metal sport watch with the gray band and really like it.  Chose the larger face to make things easier to work with.  I'm happy with my choice, even if I did get startled terribly when it finished syncing and vibrated on my wrist. lol  Small price to pay, right?

I guess the next step is to make sure I have the Apple Watch app on my iPhone... apparently that's needed.  So that's the good stuff so far today.

The rest of my day--pretty mundane, and I believe it's due to the drop in prednisone.  See, I told you this stuff shouldn't be used for just any ole inflammation problem.  The sides (side effects) are terrible, but if it gets the job done then so be it.  Todays lovely side-effect addition: Depression.  Seriously.  WTF...

It basically just comes down to dancing with the devil and hoping you don't trip.  Prednisone and Eliquis (blood thinner) is a bad combo, but one that can't be avoided.  It's just all part of the package, and I have to learn to be watchful and careful while on Pred.

Strictly speaking, I know some of what I'm up against.  What I dislike at the moment is dealing with it alone, because I'm seriously confused and remaining a bit in denial in some ways.  Without anyone to really talk to about it, I'm just floundering about trying to find my way.

Really wish T would just step out of the way, because he isn't going to get his shit together anytime soon, or at all.  I've gotten mostly past the point of caring, though.  If I'm on my own, he's on his own as well.  He doesn't LIKE that idea, but it's true nonetheless.  It's time, still time, absolutely time for me to take care of myself, put myself first.. for the very first time in my life.