Audio Blog Continues...

Healing being what it is, and a slow process at that, rants, raves and sometimes utter confusion will find itself with a voice.  C'est la vie.  No real title for this.... it's just been that kind of week or so.

Experiment #1...

Hi everyone.  Until my shoulder heals enough so that typing isn't painful, I'll be making audio entries in my blogs.  I can only handle so much typing, so this means audio will be a much better choice for now.  Thanks for your patience....

What If.....

What if I said I wanted to pour my heart and soul out to you?  What if I could, even for a very short time, find such trust that nothing, absolutely nothing would be off limits in what I could share?  What if I didn't hold back, didn't keep my entire heart's secrets walled off from the rest of me, and expose every one in such detail that it took your breath away?  What if... I told you a secret you'd never forget, no matter how hard you tried?

What if you could be surprised at the stories I hold inside?

What if I told you that I've never trusted a soul 100% in my life but that I'm willing to now?

What would you ask me if you could ask me anything?

What if I told you that you'd be surprised at who I'm talking to, and would you want it to be you?

A Competition of Priorities Part I

No relationship is perfect.  No one single person is perfect.  Both statements are true, and both are also somewhat redundant.  I believe most are intelligent enough to understand the 'given' in this.  Still, I wanted to make it perfectly clear that I'm not one of those individuals who looks for or even strives for perfection as I truly believe that endeavor never ends well for anyone.  Having said that, I do believe that anyone, everyone, can try to be the best they can be.  Honestly, I think we'd have a much better world if people just decided to do and be their best.

In an even imperfect world our only saving grace in most situations, especially the difficult ones, is having our priorities straight.  This doesn't mean my priorities will be exactly like yours, and they may actually be quite different.  And it's not to say if our priorities differ that one of us is right, and the other is wrong.  So what does it mean when someone says "Get your priorities straight"?  Well, for starters, you have to know where your priorities are before you can ever think of making any necessary changes or shifts.

My current relationship is a competition of priorities.  I've been here before in the not-so-distant past, and I recognize what it is I'm dealing with.  I also know all to well that I can't force anyone to change their own priorities.  Even so, there are consequences, both good and bad and on both sides of the situation (relationship) to that hierarchy of priorities.  For example, if you put your love of playing video games above your significant other you'll find, and usually quite quickly, that it has an impact on that other person, and by default.. on you.

There are two outcomes in the above situation.  Firstly, if your significant other has YOU as a priority, there'll be conflict.  While you make your case for your 'game time,' the other person will make their case for 'couple time.'  The other scenario isn't so pleasant, and in that other scenario your significant other may just find enough time on there hands, feeling less important than your game playing.... and open themselves to the availability of someone else.  This, unfortunately, isn't often something they actively do but is more a natural reaction to the situation.  There's just not enough time to explain the psychology in this.

Let's bring this to a more personal place.

I'm one for putting important things first.  Kind of a no-brainer, right?  Well, again, depending on where the person is with their priorities.. what one might see as important may be something they're totally indifferent to.  THIS is where the magic, or the nightmare begins.

My environment is extremely important to me.  My current heath problems mean I'm house-bound most of the time, and this means my immediate surroundings have basically become my entire world.  Here is where my peace, my serenity, my joy, happiness, and motivation is born, and where they also die.  And right now my environment is working against my health, both emotional and physical.

I don't care if it's a girl thing or just an 'Ella' thing, but it really doesn't matter what label it falls under, because this is part of who I am.  Beauty in my world is necessary.  I like a clean house, one that smells good and is comfortable.  Mess, chaos, clutter, and filthy surroundings do NOT sit well with me at all and isn't conducive to comfort or peace.  Under normal circumstances I would be happily cleaning house and making my 'world' a happy and peaceful place.. at least in that sense.  But it's a battle these days as I live with someone who could care less about any of that.  And worse, he's a master of procrastination.

I don't procrastinate and prefer to get things done in a timely manner.  I don't let things go until they're out of control or till the situation deteriorates so badly that I have to pay someone to take care of it for me.  Prevention is still cheaper than a cure.  It's cheaper to mow the lawn and take care of plants and landscaping on a regular basis then it is to allow things to become so out of control you have to hire a landscaper.  It takes a LOT less time to clean a bathroom once a week then it is to let it go for weeks on end... and have to spend a couple of hours trying to scrub away what would've been easily removed weeks before.  It's more cost effective to get a professional roofer to fix a leak right away then it is put it off till it becomes more than a roof repair.

Procrastination is the antithesis of "responsible behavior."

When men are more like boys than men they will let even important things go for weeks, or months, or even years.  For someone like me, this is a nightmare of epic proportion.  I'm not comfortable in filth, clutter, or chaos and decay.  I appreciate the things I have and take care of them.  To be in the same household with someone who's priorities places importance on things that take away from the important things... is literally a nightmare.

This competition of priorities is creating chaos at every turn, except for T... who is all about procrastination and haphazardly barreling through life without any direction or goal in mind.  When human beings in your life are at the bottom of the totem pole beneath meaningless and often mindless activities or inactivity, there's something very very wrong.

Priorities should mean doing the right thing first, whatever that is.  The right thing; what does that even mean?  I guess that's also a subjective choice.  But subjective or not, a human being should always be at the top of the priority list, be it the health, happiness, comfort and well-being of that individual, or their stated or obvious needs.  At what point do you wake up and realize that maybe, the thing you push down to the bottom the list is negatively impacting the other person in your life?

And you can't just tell that person to "Let it go."  When it's a priority, even a necessity, you don't just tell that person to let it go, to 'deal with it,' or go on a rant about why that person should change to meet your needs.  I'm sorry, but not in any universe will that ever work.

Now let's bring this local....

If your staring at a television is more important than helping me get something done that NEEDS doing around the house, your priorities are screwed up.  If my having ONE useful arm at the moment means I can't do x, y, or z... and you choose watching tv or playing on Facebook over helping with those things... you're extremely screwed up and your priorities stink, plain and simple.

I can't help where my health is right now.  I can't change the fact that I have an extremely painful shoulder/arm due to a torn rotator cuff that needs surgery to repair.  I can't help it that I need T's help, nor can I help that it's like pulling teeth to get that help.  All the pleading and begging and explaining in the world doesn't right what's wrong with his priorities.  He's the ultimate "Can't" man, and can't won't get things done.

Now, I do know the difference between literally being unable to do something and choosing to say you 'can't' as a way to get out of doing that something.  If you literally can't, you can't.  I can't buy a yacht, but that doesn't mean I'm making excuses not to.  I can't fish on my front lawn, either.  I also can't be 20 years old again.  So I know the HUGE difference between 'can't' as a fact, and 'can't' as an excuse.  And T... uses 'can't' as an excuse.

Procrastination on this level isn't sexy or attractive.  My knowing and seeing all too well how far down on the priority list I am does absolutely nothing to endear him to me.  Love isn't something you say but something you DO.  Saying it IS very important, but what you do is more important.  And if that person demands the unreasonable from you to 'prove' love, then that person's behavior/deeds aren't fueled by love but by selfishness.  What I'm asking of T isn't unreasonable and is what most people do without being prodded anyway.

Clean up after yourself.  Don't neglect the yard, the house, those things that men normally take care of because it's... the right thing to do!  Gee, where've we heard that before?  You take care of your house because it's the right thing to do.  It's an investment, so why on earth would you not take care of your investment?

And yet, I'm expected to not ever bring those things up, those things that seriously need attention.  Honestly, I don't ask for ANYTHING other than to do the right thing.  Bring on board some compassion to make the job easier.  But don't procrastinate until things fall apart then complain about the aftermath.  Be a self-starter.  Be pro-active.  What's wrong with that?

There's just too much to put into one blog entry.  The competition of priorities is out of hand, out of control, and T's ridiculous and self-serving stubbornness is destroying peace, tranquility, happiness, or any hope for the future.  And worse, it's destroying my motivation to get well.  I'll explain that at another time, as well as CONTINUOUSLY breaking one's word and it's impact on those on the receiving end.

For now.... I simply keep hanging on, hoping to survive this nightmare.

The last several days have been fraught with a fatigue and weakness unlike anything I've ever known.  Basically, for the last several days I've been pretty much bedridden, only able to sit up for a VERY short period of time.  Painful, tired, and weak, I spent what little time I was awake researching if there was a medication I was taking that could be doing this.  What I found was across the board complaints about every drug I'm on.  Narrowing things down to a time frame when I began getting worse I found that cessation of Prednisone and AZA kicking in were likely the culprits.  Here is where things get tricky...

Prednisone and immunosuppressants are the go-to protocols for nearly all autoimmune diseases.  At the highest dosage of 40mg/day I felt amazingly well, energetic, and somewhat strong again.  It was about as close to 'normal' I've felt in years.  With the first taper I began to feel badly again, but eventually had to come off with a slower taper which ended about a week ago.  AZA (Imuran) was added along the way and is something one is kept on long-term to stave off flares of the disease, in my case autoimmune hepatitis -- don't confuse this with visual hepatitis (hep C for example).  This is an autoimmune situation in which my immune system thinks my liver is a foreign body that needs, well, killed off.  Overlapping AI disease is also suspected here, but symptoms cross over and overlap to the point where it's difficult to tell what else is going on.  Myositis or Sarcoidosis are suspects here given my aldolase was highly elevated more than once, even on the medications.  It is within normal range since taking the imuran in higher doses.

FAST FORWARD...

I don't know which is causing this horrid weakness and fatigue, and other symptoms as well, so I opted to call the doctor to TELL him I'm stopping the AZA for a time to see if that's the culprit.  His response was agreement, BUT he wanted me to restart the Prednisone at 60mg per day!  I told the nurse on the phone, who relayed the message to me, that I wasn't going back on prednisone because the side effects were intolerable and it causes so much weight gain, which I've just now begun to lose.  I'm not going back.  She said she would relay the message to the Dr.  I have an appt with him next week and know I'm going to have to give push-back because I'm UNWILLING to take prednisone again.

I've just stopped the AZA yesterday and am not doing well as I'm still weak, fatigued, and wanting to sleep most of the day.  I have a feeling some of this will improve as the AZA leaves my body.

I know the risks.  I know and accept that I could have a big flare of AIH and my liver could be damaged because of it.  But here's the thing: I have to wage longevity with quality of life, and in doing so have come to the conclusion that I simply can't have both.  I'm choosing quality over quantity.

And hey, for all I know it could take a couple of years before I have a flare again.  But as for any other AI disease going on, be it Myositis or Sarcoidosis, no one has given another diagnosis as of yet so there's little reason for me to worry about those possibilities.  Having been on the treatment protocol for those, because it's the same as AIH, it's going to be tough trying to diagnose either due to my taking prednisone and AZA for this long.  Even so, all I can do is see how it goes moving forward.

I'm actually quite surprised that I can event type, because the last several days I've barely been able to hold up my iPhone while laying in bed due to the weakness.  You've no idea how bad the weakness is.

Another thing I have to deal with, which I'm not sure is a bad thing, is the loss of appetite.  I mean, I've gone back to FEELING that I need to eat, where my body gives physical signals that I may need nutrition but don't have actual HUNGER.  Also, this is the third day where it's not just a lack of hunger but also very early satiety.  I've been taking in less than 1,000 calories a day, which I will pay for dearly if I'm not careful, especially if I'm dealing with Myositis.  But that's another talk show.

So for now just know I have to play it by ear and see how I feel, because I may not be able to post here every day---though I do hope I can because that means I'm either feeling better or one tough chick for posting when I feel like I'm going to fall off the chair any moment. ;p  C'mon.. that was funny.  See?  My sense of humor shows up every now and then.

How am I managing through all of this?.... well, I have to admit that's a whole other talk show....

Screams behind the silence.

Be proper.  Be respectful.  Don't say anything.  Allow it to hurt.  Walk away.  Seek solace within.  Shut out the world.  Be careful.  Bury it deep within.  Try and forget.  Sedation in sleep.  Don't talk.  Don't FEEL anything and it won't hurt.

No matter what I tell myself the truth behind the feelings won't give me respite.  I've refused to allow myself the freedom of addressing what "I" need in the past and felt the sting of days and weeks and years lost, years where I was put on pause and left to wither inside.  Right now I can't say I'm doing well in that department again.  This time... I feel myself, who I am, once again collapsing beneath it all.

I try to remain as silent as possible, as still as I can bring myself to be.  That silence, though no one understands, is louder than anything they could actually handle.

WTF kind of life is this anyway?  None.  None at all.

The Handshake.

A relationship is like a handshake.  One person extends their hand and the other extends theirs in acceptance.  This is the best case scenario, however, and relationships leave one person waving their hand in the air and feeling foolish.  At some point that dance just doesn't work anymore and we have to decide wether it's all worth it or not.  But how do we know WHEN it's time to place our hand back in our pocket and walk away?

There's no difference in friendships and we've all seen those fail miserably due to one-sided participation.  It's not usually an instant fail, btw, and we come to the conclusion to walk away after a lot of energy is spent trying to be the one acquiescing, initiating, or taking the blame for the short-comings within the relationship machine.

So if we know how it works in friendships, why do we take so damn long with romantic relationships?  I think part of it is that there's a much larger prize at stake when it comes to that kind of connection that leaves you ultimately vulnerable and exposed.  That other person, unlike a friend (usually) has seen you literally at your worst, your best, naked, knows most if not all of your secrets, and the love and affection that ties it all together is not that easy to break.  In most cases.  Either way, there's just a lot at stake when talking romantic relationships vs friendships.

Friendships do last longer.  And if you think about it, it's most likely because you're not living with that person or trying to divvy up responsibilities, not relying on that person when it comes to the hard times.  I mean, yes, there is some of that, but again.... you just can't compare the two.  There is an exception, however, to this rule, and that is that we actually can apply what we are willing to put up with when it comes to carrying the load of that relationship.

I don't care about the numbers, myself.  Wether you call it 50/50 or 100/100 it still requires both sides to assess what's what and decide a compromise when one side is no longer able to carry the larger portion of the load.

My point here is this: At some point we have to acknowledge when something is harming us, wether it's physical or emotional harm, be it stress or overt abuse, we absolutely HAVE to make a decision at some point while we still have enough of ourselves left, before any real long-term damage is done.

Every day I'm reminded of how much I have to carry, what I'm left to be responsible for, and just how little energy and strength I have to take that on.  Physically I grow weaker each day.  My specialist has upped the Azathioprine about as high as I can take it, and I'm waiting to see if/when this begins to pivot the illness and begin to heal what's wrong.  In the meantime I'm extremely weak, often sick (nausea, etc.), and I have to lay down in bed several times a day now.  This means little gets done because I'm not able to do it myself.  Simple things, really.  Chores that I could handle easily back when I was healthy, living alone and with many more time-consuming responsibilities.  The difference between he and I is that I did what needed to be done and was glad to do it.  I can't live in a dirty or nasty environment so fight my way through the day trying to do what little I can.

I'm so so so done with this.

And since the communication is one-sided (out of his laziness. No joke there.) I'm beyond exhausted. I'm back to my focus being on ONE thing and ONE thing only--getting well.  I will be well enough to take my life back when the time comes and he's going to find himself in the dust when it happens.  It's his own doing, and he's not going to be happy about it when it happens, I promise.  He's been warned of this, and he's coasting along like he can't see it happening already.  But it is, happening already....

The Truth.

The world has gone mad.  Or more specifically, America has gone mad.  In all my life I've never seen such division, such bitter hatred on the left, such utter madness.  And it is madness.  I don't watch the news anymore because it's simply the most depressing thing ever, honestly.  We all know the media lies, stretches truth, etc., but recently trusting anything put out by the media is just buying into fiction.  And to that I say--open a book and read, because there's more truth in a Stephen King novel than there is on CNN, MSNBC, FOX, etc.  If you're going to waste time, might as well have fun, and there's nothing fun about what's going on in the media.  And worse, are those buying into the garbage.

Whatever happened to the truth?  What's happened to people that they're SO willing to except, embrace, and repeat lies that have been repeatedly debunked?  Rhetorical question, because we all know that people will ultimately believe what they want to believe and there's nothing anyone can do to change that.  Once sucked into the gaping black abyss of a lie--it takes a tremendous effort to find your way out.

As for me, I choose not to buy into the garbage.

But I'm sad to see how much hatred there is in our country, hatred born of the dirty side of government, of politics, and of greed.

I'm not sure at this point that any one thing or person or event could turn it around.  People are to blame for their own thoughts and actions.  They make the choices, and no one is twisting their arm.

It's just so tiresome.

We don't have to agree with one another to be civil.  We don't have to think alike or look alike to be civil.  We don't even have to like each other in order to respect one another.  All social graces, all levels or morality and decorum can be maintained under almost all circumstances if we make the choice to rise above it all and do the right thing.

I have no idea what the outcome of this election will be, nor do I even pretend to think that we're all going to end up changed by the end of it all.  We're already changed.  All we can do now is dig our heels in and hold our ground despite the odds.  I'm ready to do that, and I know a lot of others are as well.

We'll take things day by day like anyone else, but none of us are willing to be bullied by the 'powers that be' or radical domestic terrorist groups.

They can try like hell to stop us.  But here's the deal: We're not going anywhere.

Deal with it.

The Real Donald Trump

Dan Scavino said today that it's a shame the media will never talk about or show the kind heart that Donald Trump has. Those of us who grew up seeing the interviews from as far back as the 80's know he wasn't hated but rather watched in awe. How could a super wealthy guy could be so... down to earth? Well, he just is, and he always has been. While the media and establishment try their best to bring him down ...it just doesn't work, and it won't because most of us who support him already know of him. We've paid attention because, well, how can you not? So when you hear the slander and lies, and they are lies, remember this: A lie will travel the world and back while the truth is still putting on its shoes.

The Similarities of Day to Day Life.

Or shall we call it "A life of perpetual sameness"?  Either way, I'm going to make damn sure I change this.  I have to.

I've posted enough here for you guys to know where I am at the moment.  Dealing with communication and respect issues from T, issues that make themselves known every day and every night without fail.  You also know by now that my tolerance for this is extremely thin, verging on non-existent.  Notwithstanding innocent goof and human blunders, somewhere in the chaos one has to actually SEE the damage being done.  "I" see the damage because I'm a recipient of most of it, but T sits quietly on the river "Denial" and refuses to move.  Ok.  Whatever.

He doesn't like my bluntness and doesn't want me to say aloud the truth that threatens not only to completely destroy this relationship, but the truth that's destroying my peace of mind, health, and happiness.  He's in blissful ignorance, so I don't have any choice other than to say exactly what's on my mind.

When I'm trying to open a discussion, when I need to point out behaviors in someone that TRULY need addressing, I use non-combative phrases.  I speak of how I feel, what the harmful behavior is, but I don't point fingers, name-call, label, etc., because that approach causes damage as well.  I know how to communicate, as long as people allow me to communicate.

Repeatedly disrespecting me is a huge deal and would be for pretty much anyone.  Not allowing anyone to disrespect me was a lesson only recently learned, so I'm still a little awkward with it and finding my balance and strength when approaching the subject.  I'm getting there.  Now, in the process I've become fairly blunt when I've taken all I can, and all PC is out the window.  I speak my mind now while doing my best to preserve the other person's (in this case T) self-esteem.  I've no interest in becoming what I most despise so won't allow myself to go there.

T believes that when I point out what he does that hurts, offends, and disrespects me.. that it's a form of disrespect and that I shouldn't say anything at all.  But I assure you, that approach NEVER works and is, in fact, quite harmful to relationships and the individuals.  If I shove down my feelings, ignore the disrespect, and take the punches in silence... I will eventually resent that person, and that person right now is T.  No matter how I try to explain this--he doesn't get it and shows no indication of trying to understand or stop the disrespectful behavior.

Again, as I've said many times before, I'm not trying to make T out as a bad guy or to demonize him. He's NOT a bad guy--he's just blind to the things he does and doesn't do that greatly and adversely affect me in so many ways.  I hang in there for the obvious reasons, and I do so because I hold hope very close, hope that he'll see what he's doing so it can be stopped.

I may be a bit foolish for relying on hope this way given my past experiences and hope-filled failures.  But there's no reason NOT to hope.  In fact, hope is the great buffer of all things, isn't it?  Life tends to slip apart when hope is lost.

Damage control: There's been a lot of this with most being unsuccessful.  And I'm no stranger to damage control given past relationships that left me holding the weight of fixing everything.  One person CANNOT fix a relationship, nor can one person break it.  If a relationship is going bad, guaranteed there are TWO people at fault, even if it's the behavior of one and the acceptance of that behavior by the other.  It takes two people to break a relationship and two to repair it; an absolute truth.

Sometimes there are victims, yes, but 'most' victims are willing.  Meaning, when you have a way out of a bad situation and don't get on board with preparing things, and if you stay and suffer the damaging consequences.. then you've willingly participated in that damage.

As for me, I was a willing victim.  I played the martyr in love more times than I like to admit.  My role in a past relationship which did a LOT of damage to my self-esteem, body, etc. I take full responsibility for.  I remained in a bad situation, and though I believed that he and I could fix things I refused to see and acknowledge (for far too long) that the weight of that burden was planted fully on me.  I should've left at the first sign of serious problems.

I should have bailed when the relationship began changing the way I saw myself, how I thought of myself, when it began to depress me and fill my entire world with anxiety.  I should have been my own best friend and stood up for ME.  Instead, I did everything I possibly could to change into the distorted version he wished me to become.  It doesn't take a genius to understand that my acceptance of abuses, be they emotional or physical, would nearly destroy me as a person; I get it NOW, but I didn't get it THEN, not until it was too late and the damage was done.

I had to forgive myself more than the other person, because it was ME who let myself down.  I didn't have my own back, and I allowed everything till nearly the end.  It wasn't until I had a TIA and ended up in the hospital (very shortly after the last blow up) did I realize to what degree I'd been beaten up inside and how it had shattered me.

In the hospital the doctors asked about my level of stress, had I been dealing with major life changes such as a death in the family, financial hardship, and/or a breakup.  That was the first time the lightbulb went on and I began to introspect as I lay in that hospital bed with nothing but the hum of the heater to interfere with what came to me.  The realization was harsh, brazen, and shattering in its truth.  I had to get out of the relationship; I had to let go; and I had to do it to save my life.

This wasn't a comfortable awareness when it came blazing out of the deep recesses in which unpleasant things go to smolder.  But there was nothing I could do, really, but allow it into the light and face what it was, what I'd always known but refused to acknowledge.

So the burning question for most people at this point, after hearing/reading about my experience, the question everyone I knew at the time had is: Why the hell did I stay so long?  I stayed because I was in love with him.  Isn't that why any of us stay in bad or toxic relationships, because of our feelings and our sometimes misguided hopes that he/she will change?

I wouldn't find out until much later, until it was far too late and the damage was taking over my life and destroying happiness, that the person I fell in love with didn't really exist.  If you've read my blogs for a while you've heard me say this, and that's because the realization that I fell in love with a lie is profound and one I struggle with today for obvious reasons: You can't say goodbye to someone who doesn't exist.

The mask slipped and I discovered the truth beneath.

To this day everything about me struggles to reconcile who I thought I loved with who I was actually dealing with.

I believe that this problem of irreconcilable truths, for me, is fanning the flames of what's happening in the current relationship.  While I knew this was a possibility there wasn't any reasonable way to prepare for the experience itself.  On one hand being protective is necessary, but on the other hand.. always being poised in defense isn't a good idea either.

This emotional struggle could end with closure; something I will never have.  I can't say goodbye to someone who never existed, now can I?

Yeah... and therein lies the biggest problem of all.  This fight, this struggle permeates day to day life.  T's disrespect, whether purposeful or accidental permeates day to day life.  Health problems worsen and take over day to day life.  There seems to be no end to this....

---O---M---G---!

My goal was to try and feel better today, to recover or otherwise heal the invisible sucking black hole that seeps every ounce of energy I have.  My goal was very simple, and in most cases easily obtained by not having stress, by not having anxiety, and by not having to deal with begging or pleading my case to get help with something important.

The 'something' at this point isn't even relevant, because T is a repeat offender when it comes to the pushback, etc. that comes with trying to keep up with my health.  I've no one else in which to ask for help.  No one at all.  I'm exhausted, spent, and hollow inside.  Vibrance exited my life, not with illness, but with the lack of a support network.  Not a soul in my life in which to have a heartfelt discussion about any of this.

An hour into writing this T decided to pick a fight with me.  I'm not in a place to fight, argue, and have no desire to continue to do so.  At the moment, in this half-alive and spent existence, all I want right now is to have peace, tranquility, happiness, joy, and the kind of hope that brings possibility into being.

At the moment.... where I was once just irritated, I'm just empty.  Where in all of this is any sign of life?  I literally feel like a ghost walking the earth.

Where are all the gentlemen in the world, the full-formed males as it were?  Where is the guy that can look at a situation and see something in need of repair, correction, instead of just seeing something to complain about?  It took me at least a year to realize how much was going to be left up to me to carry this relationship.  I'm just not up to it, whether anyone likes it or not.  It's a no-can-do for me.  Plug-in or get out.

I did know a couple of guys who fit the description of "Gentleman" here in my time here on planet earth.  One of them I knew I couldn't be in a relationship with because I didn't feel anything 'romantic' for him.  I saw him as a dear friend, but that's about it.  The other is another story, but one meant for another time, another post.  But the art of being a gentleman is surely all but dead.  Few men respect women these days.

I believe taking a couple of years to tell someone that X, Y, and Z are harmful to me, pointing out behaviors that could be EASILY changed, most often without much effort, that could take a tremendous amount of stress off me and improve both our lives.  Not even things terribly complex, but things nonetheless that are so numerous as to when they occur to be a major problem.

It's time to crawl in bed, cover up, put the headphones on and listen to music---my most favorite escape these days.  I have no other coping mechanism and can handle only so much for so long.  It's hollowed me out completely.

I don't trust T anymore.  It's not about cheating, because he's not that type.  But it is about his constantly, and on a daily basis, habit of breaking his word, then trying to twist things back around on me when he fails to keep his word.  I'm not going to bear his cross as I have my own to carry.

It's been a shitty day for sure.  It's time I make today disappear into music and dreams.  Tomorrow means I will be alone, and that my friends... is a good thing.  In the meantime I will try and find another reason for getting out of bed.

Where have all the gentleman gone?...

Waning Patience.

Patience used to be one of my strong points, though that doesn't mean that under certain circumstances that I didn't have my patience tested, sometimes to the extreme.  And it's okay to lose one's patience now and then, because shoving emotions down only makes for a more emotional outcome/reaction later on.  I'm all about being honest with emotions, not burying them so they rise later as a twisted, overblown version of themselves.

But what happens when you're with someone who either beats you down emotionally (or physically as in some cases) for feeling, expressing or sharing those feelings?  After a time one of two things will happen: Either you will suppress your feelings to a self-damaging degree, or you will become very reactive as the bruises are poked and prodded on a regular basis.  And that's putting it mildly.

Long ago, as a child, I learned to not express anger.  Kids are taught, as we all know, that losing your temper or expressing anger isn't a good thing.  Well, for the most part this is true.  We have to learn to express our feelings in a controlled manner when possible.  Some situations do warrant not holding everything back.  However, when people teach children to NOT express anger there is a very real possibility, a very strong one, that the child will grow up suppressing anger, and many go on to suppressing most, if not all, emotions/feelings.  This is a disaster in the making.

I learned quickly that expressing anger AND sadness was a punishable "crime."  Whether the punishment was shaming, guilting, being sent to my room, grounded, scolded, etc... it didn't matter, because the outcome was always the same---negative feedback.  This did a lot of damage and I'm still trying to get past that damage, to heal and feel whole again.  It's not easy, I'll tell you, and I wish my mom would've had the foresight and intuition to teach me to FEEL while learning healthy ways to EXPRESS those feelings.

With each relationship I got into I became a huge sponge that absorbed everything that was thrown at me.  Every unkind and hateful word, every mean-spirited criticism, every joke about me in which I was always the punch line (a treasured abuse by narcissists, btw), even the stonewalling became something I took on as a part of myself.  No wonder I'm broken.

My relationships became an extension of my experiences with my mom, with almost ALL of them carrying on the hurtful legacy I would carry and eventually be crushed by later in my life.  My choices in men weren't the smartest, and I'm willing to admit that I didn't SEE or recognize what I was doing until just a few years ago.

The relationship I'm in now is more than trying, to put it mildly.  T isn't an 'abuser,' but he's simply, more often than not, just not here.  The blatant absence, even in his presence, is a perfect reflection of yet another favored 'punishment' met out by my mother, the indifference and tuning-out being the most painful of things, damaging in their deliverance and painful as a well-delivered punch, maybe even more so.

My days are brought with not being heard, not listened to, with even the smallest gesture of respect something I rarely receive from this guy who claims to 'love' me.  Communication is a nightmare in which I can never wake it seems.  At nearly batting 100 at this point, T literally hears perhaps the last couple of words in a sentence or phrase, often not even acknowledging that I had spoken.  Repeating myself constantly has become a stress I no longer want to have, so I rarely initiate conversation with him for this reason.

My past is laden with such things, though of a darker and more abusive nature.  While I didn't recognize it at the time my entire being was being eroded in such a way that I would only see the situation for what it was only after my spirit was broken.  Even into this relationship the insidious nature of that erosion of self continues to make itself known and without any hint of what can heal what is still an open wound.  That's okay for now, though, because if I can recognize what's happening I can eventually find a way out, to allow healing even if it's in small, minuscule measures.

I have a confession to make.  This whole 'not being heard' thing has worn me to the bone, leaving my capacity for patience wanting, to say the least.  Yes, Prednisone in my system, and even in its exit from my system brings with it moodiness as it doesn't allow anymore for the cortisol (the anti-stress hormone) to swoop in and save the day.  There is only what is in my system artificially until my adrenal glands wake up and being doing their job at full capacity; the waiting totally sucks, I promise you.

Being within 2 feet of T and not being heard is something I'm not okay with anymore.  I don't have the desire to repeat every sentence or word every day of my life.  I just have no desire or energy for such a thing, and it makes communication enormous work and a frustrating endeavor that I've lost almost all interest in.  I find myself in tears as T is the only person I'm around these days, and the realization that I'm so at his mercy while he HAS no mercy is staggering in its significance when it comes to my life and my health.

This is not a situation all that unfamiliar to me.

I've been down this road before, only the terrain looks a little different.  Being sick, having major health issues arise (such as a TIA, which I had in 2013) and having someone in my life who was indifferent, 'put-out' by my being sick, having my emotions, self-esteem and body pushed beyond any reasonable limit damaged my health--both physical and emotional.  This was on a far, far greater scale than anything I'd ever experienced in my life and mostly due to my not understanding what it was I was dealign with.  I know now, of course, but it's not of any help at the moment.  I'm at T's mercy, totally, so when I try to talk about anything, especially the most important things and am tuned-out to the point where I'm literally talking to myself... I admit... it's brought me to tears over the last week or so.  I'm too weak, to tired, and way too sick to be able to handle this in any healthy fashion.

Yesterday was so incredibly hard.  I spent most of the day in bed, covered up, dealing with a tuned-out T to freezing one moment and overheating the next.  It was just too much at one time, and I didn't handle it well.  I fight to get out of bed every day, to try yet one more time while embracing the hope that today will be the day I feel better and more like myself.  It's all I have.  Yet my day was spent in bed yesterday for the most part because I was unable to find any motivation to even so much as sit upright and watch tv.  There's a lot of details I'm not adding, but I honestly don't have the energy to type much more than I have.

All I know is that history is somewhat repeating itself, and the damage from the past is fusing with the damage from the present, leaving me spent, depressed, and defeated.

It's really all I know right now...

Respect Revisited.

It's one of the single most important traits a person can have; the ability to extend TRUE respect to another human being.  It's a taught skill, one that is vital to getting along with others on this planet.  Yes, those "duh" statements seem redundant because everyone is supposed to understand, and yet what I find these days is that most people have either discarded respect, or were never taught it to begin with.  Either way, gone are the days when I allow myself to be disrespected by others.

This topic is one I revisit when relevant.  I'm living in a situation where disrespect has become the order of the day from T.  I've talked to him, explained, begged and pleaded for him to SEE and UNDERSTAND what he does and how it affects me.  He says he gets it yet returns to the disrespectful pattern of behavior almost immediately.

Disrespect changes how I feel about people.  Abuse, mental and physical change how I feel about people.  Meaning, if you're going to disrespect and/or abuse me you will cease to be someone I want to be around, someone I admire, someone I love.  I'm not including family in this because that's a whole other situation.  If my sons disrespected me, which they don't, I would still love and admire them.  When it comes to relationships---sorry, disrespect and abuse, hatefulness and meanness simply don't cut it for me.  Eventually your abuses, disrespect, etc... will reveal you for who you are, and I will ultimately fall out of love with you.

T isn't abusive, but he is disrespectful.  If he says something mean or hurtful he usually apologizes and means it.  But apologies for the indifference, disrespect, etc... fall on deaf ears and leave me cold inside.  He's really killing my feelings for him--and yes, he knows this.

My past history, as you guys know, have been fraught with abuses and disrespect.  I endured a lot for the sake of what I thought was love.  The confusion of someone being hateful and abusive to me while claiming to love me has taught me much, and it's also left me with many questions yet to be answered.  I've been lucky in that there've only been a couple of relationships that have left me questioning what romantic love is.  And I say 'romantic love' because, again, that's a very different thing than love for family or friends.

My past colors my present.  It is what it is and in many ways this has left me at a crossroads of what I want and need, and what I have.  I don't really have a definition of love anymore outside of my faith.  Romantic love is fragile, and most of the time it's temporary.  Whether someone falls out of love and moves on, or whether that love deepens into something more deep, stable, and abiding remains to be seen in the early days of the relationship.  And that deep, abiding love is the stuff that keeps people together and happy for many, many years.  Not that it guarantees a perfect relationship or perfect life or perpetual bliss--it absolutely doesn't.  But that kind of love is what makes getting past the hard parts possible.

That kind of love is what makes getting past the hard parts possible.

I don't know why people tend to go into relationships EXPECTING so much without any wiggle room.  Destined to fail, those relationships put under that amount of stress and pressure will ultimately fail.  It's been proven.  So why do people do this if it's going to only end in chaos and separation?  The quick answer: Not all people do this.

Control freaks are those who ultimately end up destroying a relationship.  And by that I mean those who have an incessant need to control EVERYTHING about the relationship AND the person they're with.  If someone is trying to change everything about you, that relationship you have with them will eventually end, because it will become too hurtful, too harmful to you to stay in.  And it's unhealthy to stay in relationships like that.

Then you have someone like me who's had an emotionally-abusive childhood, who didn't have the benefit of a healthy, plugged-in mom, or a father around for any part of development.  I didn't have the best teacher as to what to pick in terms of a partner.  A boyfriend, a husband... doesn't matter.  My choices have been mostly bad.  Mostly.

I'm going to have to finish this at a later date.  I'm feeling very sick today and can't continue to sit at the computer....

To be continued....

When Past Experiences Fade.

What I've found is that our past really does change us.  It doesn't change WHO we are, per se, but it certainly changes how we think and how we approach familiar, yet uncomfortable, situations in the future.  Once the damage is done it's done.  We can seek counseling, religion, friends or family to aid in the healing process, but we can't change the scars that remain once the healing is complete.  And this is IF the healing is complete.  Some of us never quite reach that level of healing, unfortunately.

I'm not going to say I'll never heal from my past unfortunate experiences, and I totally accept the fact that the scars are there for a reason; We can't wish or hope or anger them away.  And why would we?

For me, the damage left by awful experiences of past relationships aren't always apparent or noticeable.  With each day's accomplishments and trials the past may be readily in focus or blurred beyond recognition.  My mind only calls up what it needs, or what it believes is relevant.  Is it always actually relevant?  Of course not, so it's up to me to determine what's what and act accordingly.  For example, being disrespected usually brings past experiences readily to the forefront.  It is what it is.  And during those times when the ugly parts of the past fades... I don't question the opacity of the lens I'm viewing through but accept the gift and move through my day.

The past doesn't always color my world, and I'll take the blurry days over the stark reality of the scars left from an emotionally-violent past.  Today is one of those blurry days, and I'm grateful for that little gift.  But it doesn't mean I've forgotten.  There isn't any way I can forget.

I remember because of the scars.  I remember because I'm not lost on the value of the lesson.  I remember because those memories, painful as they are, keep me in-check much like the painful burn of a flame that makes us pull back before too much harm is done.  I remember because I'm supposed to.

The sum of me, all the parts that make up the whole, is only whole when I'm aware.  I can't bury or ignore those dark experiences that hurt and changed me no more than I can bury or ignore those great experiences that made my spirit soar to amazing heights, that inspired me.  Acceptance is healing, and it's a place I can thrive in.

It's time for me to sign off.  I'm cold, tired, and it's time to just heal a little while.....

Another Day of Repetition.

I can't begin to tell you how frustrating it is to have to repeat everything I say, all day, every day.  If the room is dead-silent, if I'm a few inches away from T... I still have to repeat everything I say.  It's gotten to the point where I refuse to repeat anything and choose to let the chips fall where they may, the consequences of not listening/tuning out what he needed to hear.  It's a lot like talking to a child, and I'm experiencing an emotional and physical exhaustion that defies description.  My health isn' the only thing taking me out at the knees these days.

Respect is an everyday issue for me--getting respect that is.  I find it difficult to have a conversation with someone who is off in another world and on another planet entirely.  These days, I rarely bother to begin a conversation because of the hassle that's all but guaranteed.  I'm not trying to be mean or insensitive when I do this, and my goal is to reduce the stress and anxiety involved with having to repeat my words over and over again, no matter what the situation or how important the message.

Don't think for a minute that I don't understand that there are times when 'not hearing' someone is justifiable.  I've been there myself and know what it's like to have someone withdraw or become ugly in response.  I understand human nature enough to know that shit happens and we're not always on the ball as we would like to be.  Given that, a distracted person isn't always someone who's tuned-out.

Tuning someone out comes from a place inside that has reduced the importance of the person speaking.  I've had it done to me, and I've no intention to do that to anyone who's tuning me out (including T).  I do expect some effort, though, and after 2 years of this behavior it's time to admit there's a problem.  Accepting responsibility for that problem is also an issue for T, which means this tuning-out habit is getting worse and worse, and it's now to the point of intolerable.

Keeping things to myself; while not always easy, it is necessary.  However, it is getting easier and easier to just not speak to him about anything at all.  My recent past has taught me much, and most of what I learned while in the throes of disrespect, chaos, and out-right bullying and emotion abuse, etc. is that I don't HAVE to lower my standards when it comes to how people treat me.  "I" get to choose who I keep in my life, and it's up to me to stand up for myself when I'm not being treated with respect.  Action on my part is warranted, and I recognize my roll in how people treat me.  I've grown stronger in this respect; stronger, but not perfect.  I'm getting there, though.

We'll see how this day progresses...

We'll see.

Family--Beating My Head Against the Wall

To say I come from a dysfunctional family is putting it mildly.  Further back than my own memory reaches my siblings have hated me.  No, really, I'm not making this up or being dramatic.  I don't talk about this much because it brings a lot of sadness and discomfort, anger and resentment rushing to the surface.  It's a long story, really, and one with gaps and holes and far-reaching voids where many memories have vanished.  It would be oh so much easier had I been adopted, because I know virtually nothing about my family tree, for all the asking I've done over the years, and my parents are both deceased with my having absolutely NO idea where I came from, who my ancestors are, or what my connection is to any of them, if at all.

I was a "Mistake," according to my mother.  Now, my relationship and experience with my mom is a story in and of itself, and honestly... I could write a novel here about that.  But I'm not going to.  Let's just say my mom was disconnected by the time I was born, old enough to be my grandmother, and about as unplugged as a parent could get.  It was easier to micromanage and control everything to a damaging degree, rather than create experiences that may have given me a chance and coming out on the other side with less 'issues.'  Yes, of course I have issues, and in a way it was my mom's only legacy.

How is it that I could know little of nothing, if anything, about anyone in my family tree?  Well, that's easy--when you don't answer questions, share nothing, and ensure that not a single photo, letter, information, etc. gets passed down to you... well, you can't ask a dead person questions.  Point blank, not pretty, but absolute truth just the same.

Everything from health/medical information was shared primarily with ONE of the 6 children, and I wasn't the one who got the information.  My eldest sister was my mother's confidant, her go-to gal, and there was an almost too-close relationship between my mom and my oldest sister (old enough to be my mom).  I spent my entire life on the outside, looking in, and it was that way until my mom passed away (over 20 years ago now).

One sister and I shared a dad, and my other siblings share a father form my mom's 1st and only marriage.  Yep, my other sister and I were illegitimate.  I could really care less about that, to tell you the truth.  My dad was out of the picture when I was 18 months old, and my mother really never spoke of him or his family except for some really scary things, very dark and scary things.  Now, it shouldn't surprise anyone that if you scare a kid like that, they're most likely not ever going to ask too many questions.  This was the case with me.

The siblings who had a different dad hate me.  Just the truth.  I was even told that one reason they despised me was that, because we were very poor, they often didn't get as much milk (the example used by one brother and sister) because when it came down to the wire... "The baby" (me) needed it more than they did.  I can't speak for what happened when I was a baby.  I can't apologize for something that I didn't do on purpose.  Yet that resentment carried right into adulthood for my 3 brothers and one sister.  BTW, I don't really think of them as brothers and sisters because they've not treated me as such throughout my life.  What memories I have of life with them.. isn't good.

I was born very late, with my mom being in her early 40's when she had me.  All my siblings (but for one) was grown and gone and with kids of their own, so I pretty much grew up like an only child from about age 10.. when one of my sisters married and moved out (she was 16).  We lived in a 3 bedroom house that was eventually condemned, and my mother (a hoarder) used all 3 bedrooms as her hoarding rooms.  My sister, the one I share a dad with, had her own room, lots of 'stuff,' decorated walls, record player, records, clothes, and a bike.  I didn't have enough toys to even have a toy box, so even in this respect I would find myself living an entirely different life than my sister... and everyone else, actually.

My mom was absent, indifferent, cold most of the time...and even cruel.  Skipping over more details than will fit here, I will say that my childhood was very, very odd, and the damage done has proven to be long-lasting.  Still, I spent my life longing for a family, a REAL family.  Now, coming from a family with 3 brothers and 2 sisters you would think that a strange thing for me to say.  Aunts, uncles, cousins... really had nothing to do with me, but for one cousin who, I guess, simply took pity on me.  I felt the hostility from them all growing up and didn't understand any of it at all.  I felt it, saw it, heard it, and experienced that hostility until we moved away from California.  We moved to Colorado because my oldest brother wanted my mom to move there so she could babysit while he and my SIL could work.  I was in 8th grade when we moved, and my life didn't get better at all.

Longing for a real family... even to this day....

I would eventually move away from the state of Colorado.  My kids and I, to make a long story short as possible, ended up here in the south along the Gulf Coast, where we settled into that strange place (strange to us because we weren't from there) and would end up calling the south "Home."  It's the only place that ever felt like home to me.  I'm still in the south, but a little further north by a few short hours.  But back to "Family"....

When my mom passed, naturally my eldest sister got everything.  Very important items my mom was holding for me until I could send for them were divided amongst my brothers and sisters and nephews... or just tossed out as garbage.  They did this QUICKLY after my mother died, the day they found out, using the excuse that they were sure that since she was on disability, got a veteran's widow pension, and on Medicare, etc... that the 'government' was going to come in and take her stuff.  Yes, LUDICROUS, but that's the excuse they used.  And when I arrived for her funeral I wasn't even allowed to so much as have a photo of hers.  My eldest sister 'allowed' me to take ONE photo to have it photocopied.  My mom had boxes and boxes of photos, btw.

Few actually had anything to say to me at the funeral, or after.  It was the same shit, different day.. only worse.  A few years later I'd tried once again to make some kind of connection with them, but it ended in a total disaster.  I finally came to my senses and realized that I was the only one putting in any effort and that it just simply wasn't worth it.  I basically told my oldest brother and his bitchy wife to piss off.  And yes, it felt great and was LONG overdue.

In the present....

I know pretty much nothing of my family history, my family tree.  My last living grandparent died when I was 2 weeks old, and everyone else was so much older than me that no one really had anything to do with me.  My mom wasn't really forthcoming with names, histories, etc., though she did incorporate some names and such in a few fun stories she would tell from time to time.  But as a little child I really had no idea if she were making the stuff up/telling fairytales, or if the information was actually true.  And after my mom's death... the information about grandparents and such were simply not given to me, even if I asked.  Photos, etc.... all given to my sister, who claimed some neighbor stole them, were lost.  My brothers, etc. chose badly when they decided to give my sister everything.  One person said they thought my sister pawned or sold the framed antique photos of grandparents etc for money.  Sadly, it sounds exactly like something she would do.

The cruelty extends into adulthood....

When one of my brothers passed away a few years ago I was told about this AFTER the funeral had taken place, and... I was told on Facebook by a distant cousin.  She apparently looked for me on Facebook with ONE purpose in mind, and that was to send me a message that read.. "B**** passed away last week.  Thought you'd like to know."  I asked "How/why?" which lead to her replaying in the same short, blunt fashion. She then disappeared and didn't say a word ever again.  I'd written back a couple of times.. with no response.  I'd written my nephew as well, and have been ignored.  And this nephew I grew up with and was very close to most of our lives.  He's only 2 1/2 years younger than I am.

Cruelty was their favorite weapon, and continues to be so.


The family tree...

As someone who feels completely disconnected from 'family' or blood ties, history... it only stands to reason that I would, eventually, WANT to know something about my own family history.  SOMETHING.  ANYTHING.  So when I decided to look into www.ancestry.com I felt like I was taking a step in the right direction.  Maybe this site could help me put the broken pieces together in such a way that I would at least see my connection within the bloodline.

What I've done...

I created an account at www.ancestry.com over a year ago, but since I wasn't really willing to invest any money into getting a full account, I've only spent the smallest bit of time there.  But that changed for me about a week ago when I saw a commercial online for Ancestry and a DNA test they offered that shows where your bloodline is from, at least in percentages.  A lot of folks have jumped on board for this.  Now, one cool thing about the DNA test and having a real account (which I don't yet) is that you can set your family tree to allow links between matches for DNA, region, etc.  It's a lot more complicated than that, and they have a video that explains it all, but it's a really neat tool and a good place to start.  But what about for someone like me?....

DNA results may be the only thing I really get out of this, and that's okay.  It's something, isn't it?  It would be nice to know for sure what ethnicities are involved in my family tree, even if I don't have any family history to see how the pieces fit.  I sent my kit off today and, from what I understand, it will take about a week for the results to get uploaded online.  Knowing it's not going to give me complete picture of my family tree... I'm still okay, and I'm fairly patient where that's concerned.

So what's my freaking point here?

My point is this: If you have information about family history (names, places, etc) please share them with your kids.  Don't leave them in the dark to spend the rest of their lives wondering who they really are (history wise), where they're from, what their history is, etc.  It's really not a good or easy thing to live with when you have no idea about those things.  Don't do that to your kids, seriously.

My desire to know more about my family history/ancestry runs deeper than the hurt from the disconnection from my actual 'family members.'  I rarely use the word 'family' when speaking about them.  They're blood relatives to me, but nothing more.

I have to wonder if I'm beating my head against the wall trying to piece together a family tree I know nothing about.  Names, birth dates, etc. are required to even do searches or make connections.  What little information I have really just stops at my mom, and my dad I have only a name and birth date.  It's really like hitting a brick wall.  But is it worth it, all of this effort?  I don't know.

I really just don't know.  The one thing I DO know is that I'm left with the question: Will I ever fully understand myself in connection to history and ancestry?

*shrugs*

Keep Your Word When You Can

Notice the title: "Keep your word WHEN YOU CAN."  See, I'm not unreasonable.  I understand enough of human nature (like most of us) to know that NO ONE is perfect, and if anyone claims to be perfect... RUN LIKE HELL!  Still, one thing that sticks with me long-term is when people break their word because they had no intention of keeping their word to begin with.  Yeah, a big pet peeve of mine.. and here's why...

A person is only as good as their word; don't you agree?  But the HUMAN side of us also understands that there WILL be times when 'shit just happens,' and we have to recognize the difference between us wanting someone to keep their word.. and being a complete and total CONTROL FREAK.  Now that's another pet peeve of mine--control freaks.  But I'll get to the latter in a bit.  Right now, I need to get something off my chest.

Not unlike many, I have a long history of being subjected to those who frequently break their word.  It isn't always presented as a 'promise,' mind you, but it's still important to follow through when you can.  When you can.  Hey, I know all too well how things can change in the blink of an eye, and it stands to reason that when shit happens, things change.  We have to amend the course of our day and intentions and make room for whatever that unexpected change demands from us.  Right?  I mean, this is life on planet earth, folks, so we sometimes have to take a chill pill if something doesn't quite go our way.  Seriously.

In the past I've been held to an unbelievably rigid set of rules when it comes to relationships.  Needless to say, I've ended up with a couple of complete control freaks who attempted (with some success, unfortunately) to micromanage my life and time; totally fault, because I allowed it to happen.  But given that information, there is also the other side to this coin, and that's the real point.  At some point you have to at least make every effort to keep your word, even when it's inconvenient.

Last night, right before bed, I learned T broke his word to me on something and failed to tell me about it, failed to discuss it with me, and most importantly.. he didn't bring the problem to my attention so we could talk about the decision that HE would ultimately make.  The actual subject matter doesn't matter, trust me, so I'm focusing on the act itself, which is really the most important part.

Bottom line: if you're going to tell me you're going to do something, either DO IT or talk to me about why you can't, won't, etc.  How is that difficult?  It's really not.  In my case, I can completely understand when something doesn't happen the way I expect it to.. if people TALK to me about it!

Last night was a mess, a complete and total mess.  Feeling disrespected has become a part of my life again, and with it nastiness from the past.  I don't like the parallels, though this situation is really more about someone's utter emotional and moral laziness than actual cruelty.  No, the cruelty was the past situation, by far.

My past situation, as you guys know by now if you've read my other blogs, was very dark, very toxic, especially at the end.  I was held accountable for everything that went wrong in the relationship, and I was also held responsible for FIXING everything that was wrong in the relationship.  And according to him, "I" was what was wrong; who I am, who I want to be, how I lived, what I liked/disliked, and virtually EVERYTHING about me... was all wrong (according to him) and needed 'fixing.'  Without repeating how damaging that was to me, I will say that the experience opened my eyes to a few things, including (but not limited to) the unreasonable expectations of selfish people.

The unreasonable expectations of selfish people.

It took me a long time to say those words.  I don't like slapping labels or judgment on anyone, especially someone I love/d.  And I very much did love that person at the time.  I loved him so much I was blind to what was happening, to what and who he really was, and how utterly controlled I was during that time.  The idea that so much could be demanded of me never occurred to me in the beginning.  The idea that I would be shackled to everything I said never occurred to me.  The idea that there was NO ROOM for error, NO ROOM for life, NO ROOM for 'shit to happen' also never occurred to me.  I was utterly blinded by emotion.  And yet, I did everything in my power to agree to everything, and to push myself beyond what was reasonable in order to accommodate his every wish and command.

Over time, and as my health became worse, the narrative began to change, and my own personal story with it.  Sick, tired, in desperate need of rest, sleep, peace, tranquility.. I continued to do what was asked.  Over time, the toll on my body, mind, self-esteem, all of me really, was severe and debilitating at times.  And eventually... I didn't feel good at all.  My happiness and joy dulled and faded into nearly nothing.

The valuable lessons learned:

Love yourself enough to expect people to keep their word to you WHEN THEY CAN.
Love THEM enough to know they're human and shit happens sometimes.
Love...
Just love...

Last night was, in part, a by-product of recent history.  I'm not allowing myself to be controlled, either by force or by coercion.  And yes, I know the difference ALL too well; this is a good thing, btw.  I can recognize when people are doing their best, when they're trying, and I can also recognize when they're being total lazy assholes.  And guess what, ALL of us have our moments of being total lazy assholes.  Humility says... don't be so damn self-important that you think YOUR needs exceeds that of another.

Involve the other person in the dialogue when things change IF you have any warning that they will change.  Involve that other person in the dialogue when, even AFTER the fact, you can't keep your word for any reason.  But dammit, be freaking PATIENT, because honestly.. the world doesn't evolve just around you (using the word "You" loosely here, folks).

I recognized last night the extent to where the dialogue didn't include me, leaving me to once again feel disrespected to a large large degree.  I wasn't included when things changed, was told nothing at all.  In fact, the worst of it was that I know had "I" not brought the subject up... it wouldn't have been brought up at all.  And let's be clear, there was a timeline on this situation.

No, I'm not prepared to be unreasonable about this or any other thing, and I will still continue to make respect one of the most important factors in ANY relationship I have with ANYONE and everyone.  And it really has to go both ways.

I got it out of my system and spoke my mind.  T understands full well what happened and how NOT keeping his word or involving me in the dialogue when things change makes ALL the difference between treating me with respect or not.

It's a tiresome topic, really, and I'm not saying the actual topic of respect is tiresome.  Rather I am saying that I shouldn't have to always be asking for respect and pointing out the lack of it.  I also know that, like the past situation, if I keep quiet and say and do nothing for myself, then I'm doomed to allow the damage to continue, to lose my self-esteem and self-respect in the process.  And you know what?  I'm just not willing to go there again.

Keep your word when you can.

All Stressed Out

It was a difficult night last night to say the least.  As moods go, mine wasn't the greatest to begin with, and testing me by being disrespectful isn't a great way to end an otherwise peaceful evening.  And yet, this is exactly what T decided to do.  It was just poor judgment on his part, really, so I'm giving him a pass and trying to move beyond that one event.  In having to deal with unpleasantness that late in the evening the anxiety and stress carried itself with me and right into bed; NOT something that's conducive to sleep, much less GOOD sleep.  *sigh*

As much as the current events here can be trying at times, or even more than just trying, I'm often taken back to my recent past and how many times nighttime was wrought with more stress and anxiety than I've ever known.  It's a wash-over of sorts, all this carrying the past into the present.  I was told it's a form of PTSD, that certain experiences were actual emotional trauma that will resurface until I'm able to deal with them properly and un-do the damage.  Or if not to un-do, but rather to HEAL the damage.

During current stressful events the past comes in and waves like an annoying child DEMANDING attention right then and there.  I don't like this but know that the damage done prior is now a part of me, a part of my life.  Thing is, none of it's healed completely.

I suppose healing won't happen until I learn HOW to heal, because I knew THEN when it was happening that I couldn't do it on my own.  And right NOW.. I accept that same truth, which is that this is bigger than me and healing will take time, patience, help, and understanding that I can't get on my own.  But what do I do in the meantime?

Wait.  I just wait.  I'll wait it out, ride out what I can, roll with the punches when they come and try to get up the next day and start over.  It's all I can do.

See, what I want you guys to understand is that a narcissist's reach is far, their grip unbelievably strong.  This is why you need to know who and what you're dealing with, because getting out early before the damage is done is going to be the key to your healing faster and more completely than had you stayed in there.. hoping for the impossible, that being that the narcissist will see reason and change.  That person WILL NOT CHANGE.

If you know you're being emotionally abused, please get out.  If you can't bring yourself to leave, seek help so that you can make that choice and follow through.  Don't allow yourself to be changed, wrecked, and trampled underfoot by someone who only sees you as a supply source for their needs.  Listen to your instincts, and if you're in a new relationship.. PLEASE make sure you're able to assess your current situation and know the difference between normal crap people usually deal with in relationships, and those things that are red flags.  There is a difference between abusive and irritating, annoying, even disrespectful.  But if you don't have the information you need you may not be able to tell the difference.

I'm tired.  Very tired.  And pushing the past back down into the abyss is exhausting.  Time to chill out, watch tv or focus on something other than the crap I'm dealing with.

Til next time...

Random Thoughts at 3am

I had to make that meme.  I suppose it's just that one goofy part of me (sense of humor) that refuses to buckle under the health issues.  Yeah, I'm just ninja like that.

ANYHOO....Insomnia is a fickle bedfellow these days.  Incredibly unpredictable, I never quite know what it is I'm facing when I get into bed each night.  There's something triggering me to wake up when I go to bed, but I've yet to pinpoint exactly what that is.  Even nodding off on the sofa prior to going to bed doesn't guarantee I'll sleep once I get there, and in fact... it's almost a given now that I'm going to be waiting up, tossing and turning, until the wee hours of the night.  And what does this do besides keep me tired and exhausted?  For one, I get strange dreams, ones I really could've done without.  No, not nightmares... just dreams.  But still...

So it's 2am, 3am.. and stupid, random thoughts pop into my brain, which triggers more thinking, thinking, thinking... blah blah blah.  Damn.  Seriously.  WTH?  Most of it isn't even worth thinking about, I promise.

Okay, so falling back asleep this morning in hopes of getting about 5 hours I had a dream, and one that puzzles the crap out of me.  Well, I suppose most dreams don't make sense, right?  They're usually random babbling and broken intel of things we are either not dealing with, dealing with poorly, or unaware that we need to deal, you know, with those things.  But what about those dreams that aren't as chaotic and confusing?  What about the dreams that leave us thinking.. "Wow. That was so REAL!"  What about THOSE dreams?  You know the kind I'm talking about.

If your dream makes sense, what's the message?  That's the big question, isn't it?

I'm not sure what to make of my dream.  The content, which I'm not wanting to talk about, I think I understand, but my REACTION to it is yet another thing entirely.  It made me sad, seeing what I saw in the dream, though the actual thing happening wasn't a sad thing at all.  So.. wth gives?

Sorry to be vague about the dream itself, but some things are just TOO revealing of my own thoughts and feelings, feelings I'd rather keep to myself.  I'm trusting my instincts on this.  I may actually talk about this stuff in detail at some point, but I prefer to wait until I'm ready.  Hope you guys understand.

The other crazy thing that's happened today, post-dream, is that I feel a little anxious about my future.  It's like I'm being forced to assess what I want and how I plan to go about getting what I want, in terms of my future, happiness, health, and so on.  I don't have the luxury of being on auto-pilot, so introspection and continually assessing where I am and where I'm heading is really important.  T is more of an auto-pilot type, and it's not always easy for someone like me who's trying to take the wheel of my own life to be around someone who's just, well, letting life happen to him.  Not to say that his life is bad, because he's really chill and content most of the time.  I like to see where I'm heading, though, so laying back and riding the current isn't going to work for me right now.  Not sure it will ever work, to tell you the truth.

I wish I knew what my subconscious was trying to tell me.  I have a guess, but I don't LIKE that guess so am keeping an open mind and hoping I'm full of it. ;p

That's a lot of writing for someone who's as tired as I am.  Sheesh....

Why are You in My Face Again?

Far be it from me to stop anyone from having their own opinion and expressing them.  However, if you're spewing hate and rhetoric on my FB posts, then we really need to talk...

Lately I have one nemesis, and it's someone who touts being a conservative/republican but behaves like a total left-wing extremist.  Whatever.  I know this person in real life and have to interact with him and his wife on occasion due to my being a customer at their place of business.  So be it.  But there's a huge problem I'm having now with this guy vomiting ugly comments and replies on my FB posts... aimed at military members and veterans on my friends list.  THAT will NEVER EVER be okay.

So while the above person is just a representation for my point here, I think it's time I laid down the facts about what I think about taking a dump on other people's pages....

You don't have to [take a mind dump].  If you want to take a big ole steamy brain dump, do so on YOUR OWN PAGE.  Using the word "YOU" here loosely, as that person doesn't read my blogs.  This is not directed to anyone reading, just to be clear.  I'm basically speaking my mind about good old fashioned manners, etiquette, and just having some freaking class when it comes to dealing with others.  Not to say it won't ever get heated, because it's in our natures as human beings for that to occur.

Shit happens.  Or, "Feces Occur," if you will.

I read a lot that I don't agree with.  I see a lot I don't agree with.  Yes, there are things that offend me.  No, I don't usually react to them and simply go right on past to the next thing.  So why is it that doing the least confrontational thing is so lost on some?

Ugh.

Some folks need a brain enema...

Seriously.