Those Few Stolen Peaceful Moments.

I will have more time soon.  So many appointments that it's been nearly impossible to find time to do anything.....

Text, FB, Email is NOT a respectful way to have important conversations.

NOTE:  Audio isn't as clear as I'd like, so I'm working on that today so future uploads are without any weird sounds.  Thanks for your patience.

Post-Surgery Blues, and the Inevitable Pain of Indifference.

This is difficult.  Post-surgery for frozen shoulder and minor rotator cuff tear and I'm feeling like hell.    It will take a long time to recover and regain full use of my left arm, and dammit but it hurts to type.  I almost decided to do an audio blog but not enough privacy the last couple of days to do that.  So I'll make this just a quick check-in.

I'm not sleeping, mostly getting up several times a night to move my arm, elbow... to alleviate what pain I can.  This is often a tearful process.  I don't know when the big crash will come, but it will.  A human being simply can't withstand not sleeping like this.  On Wednesday, then on Saturday... things will change and hopefully for the better.

Sleeping on my side after this kind of surgery isn't the best idea, and it creates a world of pain, swelling to an unhealthy level in my arm.  This became the catalyst for ordering one of those Tempur Pedic beds.  NOT the cheapest thing in the world, but a very necessary one at this point as the healing process is going to take a long time.  So be it.  It's adjustable so I can support the back of my legs and have the back of the bed upright to manage sleeping without being on my side.  Saturday, a Laz-boy chair will arrive, and mostly for the same purpose.  As it stands now my options are to sit straight/upright or lay in a flat bed.  Both options mean pain and swelling.  But hey, those recliners are awesome and it's not like it won't be fully enjoyed way beyond the shoulder healing.

I suppose at this point I'm just rambling, but everything I am is consumed with the pain and trying to work past it without taking the powerful pain killers I was given.  The side effects sucks, and that means I'm making damn sure to take them sparingly.  But either way, my point is basically that I'll be dealing with this for a while and probably not making a lot of sense when I post.

There most likely won't be daily entries for a while, but I will try my best.

Post-surgery with all it's unbelievable pain has opened up a part of me that I really would rather leave closed, shut away, and ignored.  That echo chamber of the past and present merging in unsettling ways rumbles below the surface, always, making itself known at the darkest of hours and experiences.  I find myself unsettled---not just my circumstances or thoughts.  In the wee hours, especially when awakened by the almost ceaseless pain, true anxiety sets in and grips me.  Most of the time I can overcome it and get past it's frightening messages.  But then there are times when it takes hold and I find myself incredibly vulnerable and needing a strong, positive presence to jerk me back into a brighter reality.  Things is... I have no such strong, positive presence.  Yeah.
What to do with that.

As you guys know, indifference has been my companion.  T's indifference rears it's true self amidst the pain that really feels as if it's going to rip me apart.  You see, the first part of knowing how to squash pain naturally is to avoid stress at all costs, because stress destroy's the body's own ability to send much-needed pain killers to it's needed location.  Over time, especially in the presence of AI disease and fibromyalgia.... the breakdown of this mechanism is swift and brutal, leaving me without any natural defenses.  This sucks.

I've been brought to tears by the sheer intensity and duration of this pain, and the fibro is in a massive flare-up now, adding wide-spread, diffuse pain to that of the post-surgical.  While it's nothing to brag about, I will admit that I've been brought to my knees by the force of it all, crying so hard I felt as if my head would explode.  Late at night, when it's at its worst T will simply get up, stand there... and say nothing, do nothing, offer nothing.  I've had to tell him it's best he stay away rather than bring that indifference to the already miserable situation.

It is times like this that I long for "home," whatever and wherever that is.  No one to reach out to, to plead to, or talk to.  Not a parent, sibling, or best friend.  No one.  It's only when either by exhaustion or prescription intervention does the pain lessen a little, just enough for my mind to bring forth an image of a healthy, happy, joyful, fulfilled and pain-free me.  When I fall asleep... it sometimes carries me into dreaming, those thoughts.

My arm is in a lot of pain at the moment, so I'm going to sign off.  I hope that each day with willpower and physical therapy.. and even the weaker moments when I allow myself the prescription help to relieve the pain... maybe I'll get stronger, better.  I have 3 days of PT this coming week... and I pray it's the start to real recovery.

I need this pain to stop.  I really do.

Hopefully I can post tomorrow.

PS... I was amazed at how many page views Where Fireflies Dream received.... gave me a smile.

A Competition of Priorities Part I

No relationship is perfect.  No one single person is perfect.  Both statements are true, and both are also somewhat redundant.  I believe most are intelligent enough to understand the 'given' in this.  Still, I wanted to make it perfectly clear that I'm not one of those individuals who looks for or even strives for perfection as I truly believe that endeavor never ends well for anyone.  Having said that, I do believe that anyone, everyone, can try to be the best they can be.  Honestly, I think we'd have a much better world if people just decided to do and be their best.

In an even imperfect world our only saving grace in most situations, especially the difficult ones, is having our priorities straight.  This doesn't mean my priorities will be exactly like yours, and they may actually be quite different.  And it's not to say if our priorities differ that one of us is right, and the other is wrong.  So what does it mean when someone says "Get your priorities straight"?  Well, for starters, you have to know where your priorities are before you can ever think of making any necessary changes or shifts.

My current relationship is a competition of priorities.  I've been here before in the not-so-distant past, and I recognize what it is I'm dealing with.  I also know all to well that I can't force anyone to change their own priorities.  Even so, there are consequences, both good and bad and on both sides of the situation (relationship) to that hierarchy of priorities.  For example, if you put your love of playing video games above your significant other you'll find, and usually quite quickly, that it has an impact on that other person, and by default.. on you.

There are two outcomes in the above situation.  Firstly, if your significant other has YOU as a priority, there'll be conflict.  While you make your case for your 'game time,' the other person will make their case for 'couple time.'  The other scenario isn't so pleasant, and in that other scenario your significant other may just find enough time on there hands, feeling less important than your game playing.... and open themselves to the availability of someone else.  This, unfortunately, isn't often something they actively do but is more a natural reaction to the situation.  There's just not enough time to explain the psychology in this.

Let's bring this to a more personal place.

I'm one for putting important things first.  Kind of a no-brainer, right?  Well, again, depending on where the person is with their priorities.. what one might see as important may be something they're totally indifferent to.  THIS is where the magic, or the nightmare begins.

My environment is extremely important to me.  My current heath problems mean I'm house-bound most of the time, and this means my immediate surroundings have basically become my entire world.  Here is where my peace, my serenity, my joy, happiness, and motivation is born, and where they also die.  And right now my environment is working against my health, both emotional and physical.

I don't care if it's a girl thing or just an 'Ella' thing, but it really doesn't matter what label it falls under, because this is part of who I am.  Beauty in my world is necessary.  I like a clean house, one that smells good and is comfortable.  Mess, chaos, clutter, and filthy surroundings do NOT sit well with me at all and isn't conducive to comfort or peace.  Under normal circumstances I would be happily cleaning house and making my 'world' a happy and peaceful place.. at least in that sense.  But it's a battle these days as I live with someone who could care less about any of that.  And worse, he's a master of procrastination.

I don't procrastinate and prefer to get things done in a timely manner.  I don't let things go until they're out of control or till the situation deteriorates so badly that I have to pay someone to take care of it for me.  Prevention is still cheaper than a cure.  It's cheaper to mow the lawn and take care of plants and landscaping on a regular basis then it is to allow things to become so out of control you have to hire a landscaper.  It takes a LOT less time to clean a bathroom once a week then it is to let it go for weeks on end... and have to spend a couple of hours trying to scrub away what would've been easily removed weeks before.  It's more cost effective to get a professional roofer to fix a leak right away then it is put it off till it becomes more than a roof repair.

Procrastination is the antithesis of "responsible behavior."

When men are more like boys than men they will let even important things go for weeks, or months, or even years.  For someone like me, this is a nightmare of epic proportion.  I'm not comfortable in filth, clutter, or chaos and decay.  I appreciate the things I have and take care of them.  To be in the same household with someone who's priorities places importance on things that take away from the important things... is literally a nightmare.

This competition of priorities is creating chaos at every turn, except for T... who is all about procrastination and haphazardly barreling through life without any direction or goal in mind.  When human beings in your life are at the bottom of the totem pole beneath meaningless and often mindless activities or inactivity, there's something very very wrong.

Priorities should mean doing the right thing first, whatever that is.  The right thing; what does that even mean?  I guess that's also a subjective choice.  But subjective or not, a human being should always be at the top of the priority list, be it the health, happiness, comfort and well-being of that individual, or their stated or obvious needs.  At what point do you wake up and realize that maybe, the thing you push down to the bottom the list is negatively impacting the other person in your life?

And you can't just tell that person to "Let it go."  When it's a priority, even a necessity, you don't just tell that person to let it go, to 'deal with it,' or go on a rant about why that person should change to meet your needs.  I'm sorry, but not in any universe will that ever work.

Now let's bring this local....

If your staring at a television is more important than helping me get something done that NEEDS doing around the house, your priorities are screwed up.  If my having ONE useful arm at the moment means I can't do x, y, or z... and you choose watching tv or playing on Facebook over helping with those things... you're extremely screwed up and your priorities stink, plain and simple.

I can't help where my health is right now.  I can't change the fact that I have an extremely painful shoulder/arm due to a torn rotator cuff that needs surgery to repair.  I can't help it that I need T's help, nor can I help that it's like pulling teeth to get that help.  All the pleading and begging and explaining in the world doesn't right what's wrong with his priorities.  He's the ultimate "Can't" man, and can't won't get things done.

Now, I do know the difference between literally being unable to do something and choosing to say you 'can't' as a way to get out of doing that something.  If you literally can't, you can't.  I can't buy a yacht, but that doesn't mean I'm making excuses not to.  I can't fish on my front lawn, either.  I also can't be 20 years old again.  So I know the HUGE difference between 'can't' as a fact, and 'can't' as an excuse.  And T... uses 'can't' as an excuse.

Procrastination on this level isn't sexy or attractive.  My knowing and seeing all too well how far down on the priority list I am does absolutely nothing to endear him to me.  Love isn't something you say but something you DO.  Saying it IS very important, but what you do is more important.  And if that person demands the unreasonable from you to 'prove' love, then that person's behavior/deeds aren't fueled by love but by selfishness.  What I'm asking of T isn't unreasonable and is what most people do without being prodded anyway.

Clean up after yourself.  Don't neglect the yard, the house, those things that men normally take care of because it's... the right thing to do!  Gee, where've we heard that before?  You take care of your house because it's the right thing to do.  It's an investment, so why on earth would you not take care of your investment?

And yet, I'm expected to not ever bring those things up, those things that seriously need attention.  Honestly, I don't ask for ANYTHING other than to do the right thing.  Bring on board some compassion to make the job easier.  But don't procrastinate until things fall apart then complain about the aftermath.  Be a self-starter.  Be pro-active.  What's wrong with that?

There's just too much to put into one blog entry.  The competition of priorities is out of hand, out of control, and T's ridiculous and self-serving stubbornness is destroying peace, tranquility, happiness, or any hope for the future.  And worse, it's destroying my motivation to get well.  I'll explain that at another time, as well as CONTINUOUSLY breaking one's word and it's impact on those on the receiving end.

For now.... I simply keep hanging on, hoping to survive this nightmare.

Narcissist Much?

Narcissists.  I've not talked about this subject in some time.  The unfortunate truth is that I still struggle to get past the damage that was done and find it interfering even to this day with day to day life.  I had a good head start in the right direction with a therapist who helped me identify with what I was dealing with in a relationship, but that head start was only just that.  Sadly, the past is catching up to me as I feel myself and my life slowing due to illness.  I can no longer emotionally run or sprint to stay ahead of what still lurks behind in my past.

I won't go into the whole narcissist explanation again, and frankly I'm not well enough to deal with revisiting my experiences.  There are tons of articles and videos about the subject if you need more information.  Not that I won't visit or talk about this topic again, because I will.  Just not right now, not today.

My point here today is to warn anyone in a relationship with a narcissist that if they don't get out soon.. the effects of the experiences will be with you and possibly forever.  Your time and life, who you are as a person is precious and more fragile than you'd ever realize without that smack up side your head.  Not all needs that smack, but... I certainly did, and I regret very much NEEDING that to make me do the right thing and protect myself, to admit that I'm worth protecting.

As much as I avoid it I sometimes look back and feel such regret that I allowed myself to be emotionally beaten to a pulp.  Some may say I shouldn't 'go there,' that I shouldn't revisit such experiences, but to that I would have to say---it's important that I don't forget.  Whatever compelled me to abandon myself that way, the HORRIBLE self-esteem created by a strange childhood life experiences left me more vulnerable than I could've imagined.  My vulnerability to certain emotionally dangerous elements did a tremendous amount of damage, leaving me to accept, NEEDING to accept the fact that I was completely unprepared to defend myself.

My health began to go downhill at the very start of my experience.  Dealing with the insidious nature of another's narcissistic personality was draining, frightening, confusing, bewildering, and it left me absolutely questioning who I am.  That weakened state took hold, and fed by chronic stress and anxiety grew and eroded my health.  It's almost impossible to turn this off once it takes hold and takes control over you.  Just don't let it happen.  I wish I hadn't.

Even today I have to fight with the damage the experience left inside, the razor-sharp doubt that cuts strategically away at my happiness and health.  Many times I'm successful with shoving it all into the bowels of my subconscious.... but it's there, always there, always watching and waiting for me to let my guard down.

The message is to myself and to you.  If you deal with it now or have in the past... love yourself more than you loved that other person.  Love yourself more than you fear that other person.  Love yourself enough to get out and get help, because there's nothing more important than protecting yourself and your health.

I'm hurting too much to keep typing, so.... if you're curious or unsure if you're dealing with or living with a narcissist... don't assume you think you can recognize it even if your face to face with it.  Read about it, and watch the numerous videos out there about this subject.

One suggestion: Read about and watch videos regarding "Gaslighting," and if you recognize it as something being done to you---get out fast!

To Live.

I've posted in my other blogs so am a bit spent here.  Please forgive any 'flat' statements.  And if this all comes across tired... it's because it is, and I am.  Somewhere between life and death there has to be actual LIVING.  For me, this is a bit more difficult to achieve.  So how and when do I get my health back, my energy back, my LIFE back?  Haven't I been asking this same question for what seems forever?   No need to answer that.
I'm sitting here right now hearing that inner voice of my body sending me every available signal that I need to lay down.  But that's not what I'm looking for, not what I want to do.  Bedridden isn't living. I've managed to get out of that constant bedridden state, but it hasn't made standing, sitting, walking, or even being alive... easy.  So now what?

I don't harbor any false hope of T ever obtaining the ability to be anything other than what he is, or what he chooses to be; lost in a non-compassionate state.  He fully embraces indifference, and I believe he does so because, well, it's simply lazy and easier.  A lot of men are like this.  Too many.  He knows he is too and doesn't seem to care that he is.  But he rails against the truth even while he admits it, stating that he's very loving and compassionate.  Okay.  Maybe.  But not to me.  What this has done over time is make me pull away, and yes I've told him this.  I know where this is heading where I'm concerned.

I long for that time when I wasn't dating, in a relationship, when I was fully myself even if my health was failing at that time.  And it wasn't all that long ago, really.  Time passes, months and years, and I've watched my health fail in a situation that lacks empathy.  What the hell am I supposed to do with that?

Many nights I can't sleep because the growing anxiety has bullied it's way into the only respite I used to know---sleep.  Dammit.

I wake up tired, spent, worn out, and unmotivated.  This isn't going to help me heal and, in fact, will hurt me even more.

Will today, this weekend, be yet another failure on T's part?  Will he insist yet again on buying food that hurts my health and ignoring ALL of my doctors' warnings?  I can't say I'm optimistic about this.

I'm exhausted trying to be my own champion.

The Art of ASSumption & The Most Powerful Thing to Be.

I spent the last 1/2 hour or so talking on the phone to a friend of mine, who also has a blog as well, and we talked about life, health, girl stuff, and so on.  During the course of the conversation, and as the conversation settled into more meaningful, deeper topics... we both came to the realization that scrutiny is good, and ASSumption is bad.  Okay.  Sounds silly when you put it like that, but why confuse the issue with pretty words?

Somewhere between acquiring information and implementing reason something can go very, very awry, and the consequences aren't anything to write home about.  So why do people fall prey to the rather weak lure of assumption when the truth is often, though not always, fairly interesting?  G and I concluded that we definitely are in the middle of a dung-pile of thrill-seekers who can't handle being removed from the most caustic drama available.  And when it's not available... they set about constructing the facade that will most assist them in their endeavor to be shocked, appalled, thrilled, and mortified.  How crazy is that?  Well, maybe it's not crazy at all.

Humans thrive on drama.  Whether you have drama in your life or not, and it doesn't matter who's fault the drama is, people just can't seem to help themselves when said drama isn't up to par for their taste.  It takes talent, G and I agree on this, and we believe that in all seriousness people hone and perfect this skill that is not at all unlike mental heroin.  Once people try it.. they can't do without it, and when their 'stash' of drama runs low, or it's just not doing it anymore for them, they have to enhance it somehow.

Right before G and I hung up so we could, you know, blog about it (grin)... we both thought there was, in so many ways, a certain kind of power with being honest with blogging AND life.  When you realize your advantage, when it finally hits you that you're actually in a position power... the anger against having ASSumption being projected on you... that's the moment you win.

The most powerful thing to be, hands-down, is underestimated.

Now, this isn't anything new.  I've known this, as most do, my whole life.  Or at least fairly early on at some point... usually in childhood.  Even if we don't recognize it right off deep in our gut we know.  The first time someone doesn't believe us when we're telling the truth--realization sets in.  And either then, or later on in life, at some point in time... you understand fully that the moment people don't give you credit for having intelligence is the moment they relinquish their own power.. to you.

People who don't respect you try, even subconsciously, to discredit you.  This is a very strong form of underestimation of you as a person.  This means they underestimate you, therefore, can't predict what you will say, do, or think at any moment in any situation.  The mistrust they infuse doesn't move beyond themselves and, therefore... they weaken their own ability to 'keep up.'  My question in all of this is.. "Why on earth would they deliberately assume the position of weakness?"  Well, that's something only those people can answer.

I can be amused by all of this easily.  However, as G and I agreed, there's a certain element of pity that comes into play when you realize that when people choose to inject ASSumption into truth that their lives must become terribly distorted as a result.  How can anyone find anything good if the distortion becomes a barrier to actual communication?

At this moment I can visualize G blogging away frantically---excited to know she's not as powerless as she once thought.  It was a good conversation.

Off to re-post on my other blogs, then to read G's blog...

What a weird freaking day.

Who's life am I actually living? And if not mine, then a lie.

NOTE:  For anyone new, there's a list of links in the menu column to my other blogs.  I try to keep things specific to whichever blog I'm posting in.. something that was requested/suggested of/to me sometime back.  So if you're like some of the people I know who read understand that the conversation often, though not always, changes from one to the next.  I've made my rounds today, and will be going back to post again in most as I have a bit of catching up to do.

The beautiful thing about being oneself is the notion that you're living your own personal truth.  It doesn't matter if anyone agrees with you or your choices because living truthfully means making no apologies.  Not that bad behavior isn't part of anyone's truth, because as humans we fall far short of being or living perfectly.  Living truthfully really only means that, right wrong or indifferent, all successes and failures, even mistakes... are at the very least completely honest in nature.

I'm not going to talk here about human error that results in hurting someone's feelings, etc.  What I want to focus on is the natural result of living someone else's life.  Some of the deepest wounds ever come from betraying yourself.  I know, because I've done it.

Never allow yourself to be manipulated.  The trick here is to know when you are.  Some people are quite gifted in the art of manipulation and it's only after the damage is done and the sting sets in that you realize what's happened.  Even then, you may only have a guess, because recognition is often difficult and require insight and assistance to fully recognize the culprit.  This also happened in my case.

What is it like to live a lie?

Your subconscious will know and often react much in the same way that you react when your hand accidentally touches a hot pan handle.  You recoil instantly, only inwardly from the immediate danger, and the pain burns on long after you've countered and reacted instinctively.  I believe this is why we often keep reaching for that same hot handle again---because we haven't actually recognized what it is we've done and that it's caused not only pain.. but also damage.  So, we reach again.

From my perspective and experience this same, harmful experience repeats itself endlessly until we finally see what's causing the hurt, the pain, the discomfort.  We're outside of ourselves at this point, feeling the pain, seeing the damage, but unable to comprehend that our own actions are to blame.  That realization, by the way, comes when it comes.  We either see it or we don't and we don't until we do.  This is different for everyone, of course.

I find myself once again in that same perpetual, ongoing and damaging loop of living through someone else's ideals, wants, needs, views, demands, rules, and so on.  And it's not working now just as it didn't work in the past.  This feeling, at the moment, is like not being able to breathe or move, like being bound and gagged and placed in a dark room where my experiences are only ones injected into the dark by another.  This is what living a lie is like.  At least for me.

As I find myself pushing aside my needs as a human being, natural thoughts, opinions, instincts, interests, etc. while adapting that of another, for their comfort, the damage is evident.  Only this time I'm unable to simply allow what isn't me to fall away so I can heal and return to my own life, my own genuine self, my truth.  Reconciling this is damn hard, I'll be honest.

All those things I enjoy, want, dream of, hope for and need are cemented beneath the very solid ground on which another stands.  It's not pre-meditated, but it is a form of oppression.  I've been here before and the result wasn't pretty at all.  I healed, mostly, but the scars are deep, distinct, and still tender.  But at least I know they're there, why they're there.

This is my struggle yet again, fighting to always remember who and what I am while being basically forced to live through someone else's life.  It's a very slippery slope.

Regaining my health and my strength is CRITICAL right now.  There's no respite from this, really.  No decompression chamber where I'm free to just be who I am and take care of myself the way that is positively vital to my well-being.

.... More later.  At the moment the pain demands I give it attention.

Home.

One thing I've known for certain for pretty much all of my life is that when I'm ill, I long for home.  When I was little I knew where that place was, and despite its terrible flaws it was still home.  As an adult I was surprised to find that I no longer knew exactly where home was.  So I would spend the majority of my adult life longing for a place that quite possibly, for me anyway, doesn't exist.  I've never been able to reconcile this; not physically, and certainly not emotionally.

The closest I've come to being "Home" once moving out of my mom's house at 18 is Mobile, AL.  I had a tiny little apartment, and though not every moment there was perfect, it felt safe, and it felt like a warn welcome every time I walked through the door--no matter how good or bad things were.  It was a safe place for me to be myself, where I could decompress, where I could dream, wish, hope and feel alive.  This is not the case where I am now.  Not even close.

How did I get here?  I got here the same way I got into every bad situation in my life; By pure blind trust.  It's a flaw of mine and one that's gotten me into more trouble than I can tell you.  I give people the benefit of the doubt, take them on their word, and actually believe what they say.  Well, to a point anyway.  The thing is, that 'point' in which I pivot and see the error of my ways is usually far too late to avoid any damage to my life, and to me.

I'll probably always be this way, a far too trusting person.  I'm okay with that, I guess.  But I really wish I were better at assessing and discerning the heart and motives of people BEFORE I get involved.  We all have our flaws, I suppose.

As I wait for the sluggish process of diagnosis beyond the AIH, I'm left far too vulnerable for my liking.  There are days I can't walk well, verging on not at all, and days where lifting my arms to look at my phone is almost too much.  The weakness grows more each day and the doctors I need to see are weeks out of reach since I'll be a new patient.  The waiting is going to end me in the ER at some point, I'm afraid.  But the worst of this is being this sick and living in a place where I know absolutely no one at all.

T only helps around here bare minimum, and as the chores, etc. pile up... I long for the simplicity of the life I had in Mobile, where I didn't have to clean up after another human who refuses to do what's necessary to not live in a dirty, cluttered house.  I can't live this way, so I struggle to pick up the slack.  And I'll tell you, the slack is far far more than what T actually does.

How the hell did he survive on his own?

I have to somehow find my way home--wherever that is.  I know I can keep struggling a little bit to find my way here, to at least hang in there until I'm better---or at least better enough to survive, to move, to do something to help myself.  At this rate I don't know if I can work, which scares that crap out of me.  Disability requires a definite diagnosis, and at this time I don't have one that explains fully how I'm continuing to weaken and become more and more sick.  What can I do if even typing an entry like this makes me shaky and nauseated with weakness?

I want to be well again, to feel good again, to have energy again.  I want to be in a position where I can find my way back home again.

Home.  I just want to be... home.

The elusive network of support.

I've been told throughout my life it's necessary, even vital to success when fighting against that which challenges.

Those challenges many of us face, be it losing weight, extracting oneself from a bad relationship, dealing with a break up or death of a loved one, financial hardship, health issues--I've been told that you simply can't do it alone.

Despite what I'm told, I'm testing that theory as we speak.

I don't need anyone to hold my hand all of the time, but when my resolve slips, my confidence wanes beneath unrelenting weakness and pain of which there's been no tangible hope of it ending soon, it would be nice to have someone who gives a crap present. And I'm not talking about someone being in the same room, but someone who is  Actually present.  Finding someone who can be actually present is a lot harder than it sounds.  At least in my experience.

I've dealt with people who say they love me but choose to be abusive and/or simply not there emotionally.  Trust me when I say this isn't my first rodeo.  And I can tell the difference between if someone is 'absent' with malice or not.  In my current situation there isn't any malice, but it doesn't feel a lot different from the situations I've been in where this was the case.

If you've not read the post below you probably won't understand what I'm about to say...

I've been so sick over the past week that I've been bedridden until today.  The why's and wherefores of the situation is in the post below.  But I'm going to be very blunt here, and at the risk of sounding like a weakling--which is far different from being physically weak, btw.  Still, my experiences over the past week have both saddened and introduced an anxiety about my vulnerability in the life I'm in at the moment.

Bedridden, for me, means sitting up for any length of time is impossible, that standing and walking are feats that make me feel like I've just done something magical.  Standing means my legs shaking so badly that I'm not sure I'll make to to whatever destination I'm heading towards, even if it's 6-10 ft away.  Sitting up, as well as standing and walking, means I feel a wave of extreme weakness wash over me from the top down, leaving an equally intense aching in its place.  This means that over the past several days I don't eat unless someone can bring me something.

The lack of appetite and early satiety, at least, has helped make this vulnerability easier to bear, though my body does send uncomfortable signals that I need nutrition.  I've also lost my taste for water and have to force myself to drink it.  Even with small sips my stomach revolts with waves of nausea.

T worked from home a couple of days this week and was home, of course, over the weekend.  I've never felt so much like an inconvenience.  But the worst of is is when I really, really needed help with something and he just was indifferent, if he heard me at all.  This isn't going to be easy to say, but I will for clarity here... at one point I was getting a bad headache with nausea which told me I needed to eat something.  I'd had a small container of yogurt and a banana (had to force the yogurt down because I felt full after a couple of bites), but it had been about 10 hours since I'd eaten when the sick filling came over me.  I asked T to please bring me something, anything, a banana... whatever... just to stave off the nausea and headache.  He was too busy, he said.  It was about an hour later when I finally ate something, and I had to eat it sitting on the side of the bed because I didn't have the strength to make it to the dining room.  I spent a few days, up until yesterday, having to take whatever food I could get down in the bedroom where I'm sleeping due to T's snoring.  Can't sleep at all in the same room with him.  Anyway....

In the hour it took to get a banana to eat I laid in bed contemplating what I was going through and wondering what it would be like if I became seriously ill and had to rely on him to take care of me until I recovered.  It didn't take long before I was consumed with homesickness, a longing for my simple life in my little apartment in Mobile.  This isn't the first time I'd had this feeling, btw, but this was by far the most intense.

I learned that I have to find a way to disconnect from my situation while still IN my situation.  I've done it before, but I was a LOT healthier then.  How do I do this?  That's the million dollar question, isn't it?

The last several days have been fraught with a fatigue and weakness unlike anything I've ever known.  Basically, for the last several days I've been pretty much bedridden, only able to sit up for a VERY short period of time.  Painful, tired, and weak, I spent what little time I was awake researching if there was a medication I was taking that could be doing this.  What I found was across the board complaints about every drug I'm on.  Narrowing things down to a time frame when I began getting worse I found that cessation of Prednisone and AZA kicking in were likely the culprits.  Here is where things get tricky...

Prednisone and immunosuppressants are the go-to protocols for nearly all autoimmune diseases.  At the highest dosage of 40mg/day I felt amazingly well, energetic, and somewhat strong again.  It was about as close to 'normal' I've felt in years.  With the first taper I began to feel badly again, but eventually had to come off with a slower taper which ended about a week ago.  AZA (Imuran) was added along the way and is something one is kept on long-term to stave off flares of the disease, in my case autoimmune hepatitis -- don't confuse this with visual hepatitis (hep C for example).  This is an autoimmune situation in which my immune system thinks my liver is a foreign body that needs, well, killed off.  Overlapping AI disease is also suspected here, but symptoms cross over and overlap to the point where it's difficult to tell what else is going on.  Myositis or Sarcoidosis are suspects here given my aldolase was highly elevated more than once, even on the medications.  It is within normal range since taking the imuran in higher doses.

FAST FORWARD...

I don't know which is causing this horrid weakness and fatigue, and other symptoms as well, so I opted to call the doctor to TELL him I'm stopping the AZA for a time to see if that's the culprit.  His response was agreement, BUT he wanted me to restart the Prednisone at 60mg per day!  I told the nurse on the phone, who relayed the message to me, that I wasn't going back on prednisone because the side effects were intolerable and it causes so much weight gain, which I've just now begun to lose.  I'm not going back.  She said she would relay the message to the Dr.  I have an appt with him next week and know I'm going to have to give push-back because I'm UNWILLING to take prednisone again.

I've just stopped the AZA yesterday and am not doing well as I'm still weak, fatigued, and wanting to sleep most of the day.  I have a feeling some of this will improve as the AZA leaves my body.

I know the risks.  I know and accept that I could have a big flare of AIH and my liver could be damaged because of it.  But here's the thing: I have to wage longevity with quality of life, and in doing so have come to the conclusion that I simply can't have both.  I'm choosing quality over quantity.

And hey, for all I know it could take a couple of years before I have a flare again.  But as for any other AI disease going on, be it Myositis or Sarcoidosis, no one has given another diagnosis as of yet so there's little reason for me to worry about those possibilities.  Having been on the treatment protocol for those, because it's the same as AIH, it's going to be tough trying to diagnose either due to my taking prednisone and AZA for this long.  Even so, all I can do is see how it goes moving forward.

I'm actually quite surprised that I can event type, because the last several days I've barely been able to hold up my iPhone while laying in bed due to the weakness.  You've no idea how bad the weakness is.

Another thing I have to deal with, which I'm not sure is a bad thing, is the loss of appetite.  I mean, I've gone back to FEELING that I need to eat, where my body gives physical signals that I may need nutrition but don't have actual HUNGER.  Also, this is the third day where it's not just a lack of hunger but also very early satiety.  I've been taking in less than 1,000 calories a day, which I will pay for dearly if I'm not careful, especially if I'm dealing with Myositis.  But that's another talk show.

So for now just know I have to play it by ear and see how I feel, because I may not be able to post here every day---though I do hope I can because that means I'm either feeling better or one tough chick for posting when I feel like I'm going to fall off the chair any moment. ;p  C'mon.. that was funny.  See?  My sense of humor shows up every now and then.

How am I managing through all of this?.... well, I have to admit that's a whole other talk show....

Screams behind the silence.

Be proper.  Be respectful.  Don't say anything.  Allow it to hurt.  Walk away.  Seek solace within.  Shut out the world.  Be careful.  Bury it deep within.  Try and forget.  Sedation in sleep.  Don't talk.  Don't FEEL anything and it won't hurt.

No matter what I tell myself the truth behind the feelings won't give me respite.  I've refused to allow myself the freedom of addressing what "I" need in the past and felt the sting of days and weeks and years lost, years where I was put on pause and left to wither inside.  Right now I can't say I'm doing well in that department again.  This time... I feel myself, who I am, once again collapsing beneath it all.

I try to remain as silent as possible, as still as I can bring myself to be.  That silence, though no one understands, is louder than anything they could actually handle.

WTF kind of life is this anyway?  None.  None at all.

Twilight--my favorite time of day.

It's a small part of the day and one you may miss if you blink.  Stay awake.  Just stay awake.

Almost the entirety of my escape processes include music, where the fabric of reality and the fantasy of reclaiming a life I once had clash in, sometimes, startling and colorful ways.  I don't delude myself into thinking that I don't know what really is or isn't; who cares?

Falling asleep listening to carefully constructed playlist is the only oasis I know.  While some songs grant me enough peace to fall asleep others wake me, and it's the message rushing to the forefront of those that bring me out of my slumber that are the most unsettling, the most telling.  I sometimes think of those moments as my subconscious crying out for help, that the sleeping soul and the wakeful spirit will be one again.

Creativity sleeps.  Dreams are too distant to remember.  Hope sits quietly beside me, distant and unmoved.  Memories are places my conscious mind tries to take up residence when I'm unable to sleep and surrender to what smothers my soul.  The abyss is real, and the truth looks down and recognizes its reflection in the darkness.  It's not as grim as it appears on the surface.

I no longer try to make my conscious and subconscious shake hands and call a truce.  The battle is a quiet one below the surface....

The Similarities of Day to Day Life.

Or shall we call it "A life of perpetual sameness"?  Either way, I'm going to make damn sure I change this.  I have to.

I've posted enough here for you guys to know where I am at the moment.  Dealing with communication and respect issues from T, issues that make themselves known every day and every night without fail.  You also know by now that my tolerance for this is extremely thin, verging on non-existent.  Notwithstanding innocent goof and human blunders, somewhere in the chaos one has to actually SEE the damage being done.  "I" see the damage because I'm a recipient of most of it, but T sits quietly on the river "Denial" and refuses to move.  Ok.  Whatever.

He doesn't like my bluntness and doesn't want me to say aloud the truth that threatens not only to completely destroy this relationship, but the truth that's destroying my peace of mind, health, and happiness.  He's in blissful ignorance, so I don't have any choice other than to say exactly what's on my mind.

When I'm trying to open a discussion, when I need to point out behaviors in someone that TRULY need addressing, I use non-combative phrases.  I speak of how I feel, what the harmful behavior is, but I don't point fingers, name-call, label, etc., because that approach causes damage as well.  I know how to communicate, as long as people allow me to communicate.

Repeatedly disrespecting me is a huge deal and would be for pretty much anyone.  Not allowing anyone to disrespect me was a lesson only recently learned, so I'm still a little awkward with it and finding my balance and strength when approaching the subject.  I'm getting there.  Now, in the process I've become fairly blunt when I've taken all I can, and all PC is out the window.  I speak my mind now while doing my best to preserve the other person's (in this case T) self-esteem.  I've no interest in becoming what I most despise so won't allow myself to go there.

T believes that when I point out what he does that hurts, offends, and disrespects me.. that it's a form of disrespect and that I shouldn't say anything at all.  But I assure you, that approach NEVER works and is, in fact, quite harmful to relationships and the individuals.  If I shove down my feelings, ignore the disrespect, and take the punches in silence... I will eventually resent that person, and that person right now is T.  No matter how I try to explain this--he doesn't get it and shows no indication of trying to understand or stop the disrespectful behavior.

Again, as I've said many times before, I'm not trying to make T out as a bad guy or to demonize him. He's NOT a bad guy--he's just blind to the things he does and doesn't do that greatly and adversely affect me in so many ways.  I hang in there for the obvious reasons, and I do so because I hold hope very close, hope that he'll see what he's doing so it can be stopped.

I may be a bit foolish for relying on hope this way given my past experiences and hope-filled failures.  But there's no reason NOT to hope.  In fact, hope is the great buffer of all things, isn't it?  Life tends to slip apart when hope is lost.

Damage control: There's been a lot of this with most being unsuccessful.  And I'm no stranger to damage control given past relationships that left me holding the weight of fixing everything.  One person CANNOT fix a relationship, nor can one person break it.  If a relationship is going bad, guaranteed there are TWO people at fault, even if it's the behavior of one and the acceptance of that behavior by the other.  It takes two people to break a relationship and two to repair it; an absolute truth.

Sometimes there are victims, yes, but 'most' victims are willing.  Meaning, when you have a way out of a bad situation and don't get on board with preparing things, and if you stay and suffer the damaging consequences.. then you've willingly participated in that damage.

As for me, I was a willing victim.  I played the martyr in love more times than I like to admit.  My role in a past relationship which did a LOT of damage to my self-esteem, body, etc. I take full responsibility for.  I remained in a bad situation, and though I believed that he and I could fix things I refused to see and acknowledge (for far too long) that the weight of that burden was planted fully on me.  I should've left at the first sign of serious problems.

I should have bailed when the relationship began changing the way I saw myself, how I thought of myself, when it began to depress me and fill my entire world with anxiety.  I should have been my own best friend and stood up for ME.  Instead, I did everything I possibly could to change into the distorted version he wished me to become.  It doesn't take a genius to understand that my acceptance of abuses, be they emotional or physical, would nearly destroy me as a person; I get it NOW, but I didn't get it THEN, not until it was too late and the damage was done.

I had to forgive myself more than the other person, because it was ME who let myself down.  I didn't have my own back, and I allowed everything till nearly the end.  It wasn't until I had a TIA and ended up in the hospital (very shortly after the last blow up) did I realize to what degree I'd been beaten up inside and how it had shattered me.

In the hospital the doctors asked about my level of stress, had I been dealing with major life changes such as a death in the family, financial hardship, and/or a breakup.  That was the first time the lightbulb went on and I began to introspect as I lay in that hospital bed with nothing but the hum of the heater to interfere with what came to me.  The realization was harsh, brazen, and shattering in its truth.  I had to get out of the relationship; I had to let go; and I had to do it to save my life.

This wasn't a comfortable awareness when it came blazing out of the deep recesses in which unpleasant things go to smolder.  But there was nothing I could do, really, but allow it into the light and face what it was, what I'd always known but refused to acknowledge.

So the burning question for most people at this point, after hearing/reading about my experience, the question everyone I knew at the time had is: Why the hell did I stay so long?  I stayed because I was in love with him.  Isn't that why any of us stay in bad or toxic relationships, because of our feelings and our sometimes misguided hopes that he/she will change?

I wouldn't find out until much later, until it was far too late and the damage was taking over my life and destroying happiness, that the person I fell in love with didn't really exist.  If you've read my blogs for a while you've heard me say this, and that's because the realization that I fell in love with a lie is profound and one I struggle with today for obvious reasons: You can't say goodbye to someone who doesn't exist.

The mask slipped and I discovered the truth beneath.

To this day everything about me struggles to reconcile who I thought I loved with who I was actually dealing with.

I believe that this problem of irreconcilable truths, for me, is fanning the flames of what's happening in the current relationship.  While I knew this was a possibility there wasn't any reasonable way to prepare for the experience itself.  On one hand being protective is necessary, but on the other hand.. always being poised in defense isn't a good idea either.

This emotional struggle could end with closure; something I will never have.  I can't say goodbye to someone who never existed, now can I?

Yeah... and therein lies the biggest problem of all.  This fight, this struggle permeates day to day life.  T's disrespect, whether purposeful or accidental permeates day to day life.  Health problems worsen and take over day to day life.  There seems to be no end to this....

---O---M---G---!

My goal was to try and feel better today, to recover or otherwise heal the invisible sucking black hole that seeps every ounce of energy I have.  My goal was very simple, and in most cases easily obtained by not having stress, by not having anxiety, and by not having to deal with begging or pleading my case to get help with something important.

The 'something' at this point isn't even relevant, because T is a repeat offender when it comes to the pushback, etc. that comes with trying to keep up with my health.  I've no one else in which to ask for help.  No one at all.  I'm exhausted, spent, and hollow inside.  Vibrance exited my life, not with illness, but with the lack of a support network.  Not a soul in my life in which to have a heartfelt discussion about any of this.

An hour into writing this T decided to pick a fight with me.  I'm not in a place to fight, argue, and have no desire to continue to do so.  At the moment, in this half-alive and spent existence, all I want right now is to have peace, tranquility, happiness, joy, and the kind of hope that brings possibility into being.

At the moment.... where I was once just irritated, I'm just empty.  Where in all of this is any sign of life?  I literally feel like a ghost walking the earth.

Where are all the gentlemen in the world, the full-formed males as it were?  Where is the guy that can look at a situation and see something in need of repair, correction, instead of just seeing something to complain about?  It took me at least a year to realize how much was going to be left up to me to carry this relationship.  I'm just not up to it, whether anyone likes it or not.  It's a no-can-do for me.  Plug-in or get out.

I did know a couple of guys who fit the description of "Gentleman" here in my time here on planet earth.  One of them I knew I couldn't be in a relationship with because I didn't feel anything 'romantic' for him.  I saw him as a dear friend, but that's about it.  The other is another story, but one meant for another time, another post.  But the art of being a gentleman is surely all but dead.  Few men respect women these days.

I believe taking a couple of years to tell someone that X, Y, and Z are harmful to me, pointing out behaviors that could be EASILY changed, most often without much effort, that could take a tremendous amount of stress off me and improve both our lives.  Not even things terribly complex, but things nonetheless that are so numerous as to when they occur to be a major problem.

It's time to crawl in bed, cover up, put the headphones on and listen to music---my most favorite escape these days.  I have no other coping mechanism and can handle only so much for so long.  It's hollowed me out completely.

I don't trust T anymore.  It's not about cheating, because he's not that type.  But it is about his constantly, and on a daily basis, habit of breaking his word, then trying to twist things back around on me when he fails to keep his word.  I'm not going to bear his cross as I have my own to carry.

It's been a shitty day for sure.  It's time I make today disappear into music and dreams.  Tomorrow means I will be alone, and that my friends... is a good thing.  In the meantime I will try and find another reason for getting out of bed.

Where have all the gentleman gone?...

Waning Patience.

Patience used to be one of my strong points, though that doesn't mean that under certain circumstances that I didn't have my patience tested, sometimes to the extreme.  And it's okay to lose one's patience now and then, because shoving emotions down only makes for a more emotional outcome/reaction later on.  I'm all about being honest with emotions, not burying them so they rise later as a twisted, overblown version of themselves.

But what happens when you're with someone who either beats you down emotionally (or physically as in some cases) for feeling, expressing or sharing those feelings?  After a time one of two things will happen: Either you will suppress your feelings to a self-damaging degree, or you will become very reactive as the bruises are poked and prodded on a regular basis.  And that's putting it mildly.

Long ago, as a child, I learned to not express anger.  Kids are taught, as we all know, that losing your temper or expressing anger isn't a good thing.  Well, for the most part this is true.  We have to learn to express our feelings in a controlled manner when possible.  Some situations do warrant not holding everything back.  However, when people teach children to NOT express anger there is a very real possibility, a very strong one, that the child will grow up suppressing anger, and many go on to suppressing most, if not all, emotions/feelings.  This is a disaster in the making.

I learned quickly that expressing anger AND sadness was a punishable "crime."  Whether the punishment was shaming, guilting, being sent to my room, grounded, scolded, etc... it didn't matter, because the outcome was always the same---negative feedback.  This did a lot of damage and I'm still trying to get past that damage, to heal and feel whole again.  It's not easy, I'll tell you, and I wish my mom would've had the foresight and intuition to teach me to FEEL while learning healthy ways to EXPRESS those feelings.

With each relationship I got into I became a huge sponge that absorbed everything that was thrown at me.  Every unkind and hateful word, every mean-spirited criticism, every joke about me in which I was always the punch line (a treasured abuse by narcissists, btw), even the stonewalling became something I took on as a part of myself.  No wonder I'm broken.

My relationships became an extension of my experiences with my mom, with almost ALL of them carrying on the hurtful legacy I would carry and eventually be crushed by later in my life.  My choices in men weren't the smartest, and I'm willing to admit that I didn't SEE or recognize what I was doing until just a few years ago.

The relationship I'm in now is more than trying, to put it mildly.  T isn't an 'abuser,' but he's simply, more often than not, just not here.  The blatant absence, even in his presence, is a perfect reflection of yet another favored 'punishment' met out by my mother, the indifference and tuning-out being the most painful of things, damaging in their deliverance and painful as a well-delivered punch, maybe even more so.

My days are brought with not being heard, not listened to, with even the smallest gesture of respect something I rarely receive from this guy who claims to 'love' me.  Communication is a nightmare in which I can never wake it seems.  At nearly batting 100 at this point, T literally hears perhaps the last couple of words in a sentence or phrase, often not even acknowledging that I had spoken.  Repeating myself constantly has become a stress I no longer want to have, so I rarely initiate conversation with him for this reason.

My past is laden with such things, though of a darker and more abusive nature.  While I didn't recognize it at the time my entire being was being eroded in such a way that I would only see the situation for what it was only after my spirit was broken.  Even into this relationship the insidious nature of that erosion of self continues to make itself known and without any hint of what can heal what is still an open wound.  That's okay for now, though, because if I can recognize what's happening I can eventually find a way out, to allow healing even if it's in small, minuscule measures.

I have a confession to make.  This whole 'not being heard' thing has worn me to the bone, leaving my capacity for patience wanting, to say the least.  Yes, Prednisone in my system, and even in its exit from my system brings with it moodiness as it doesn't allow anymore for the cortisol (the anti-stress hormone) to swoop in and save the day.  There is only what is in my system artificially until my adrenal glands wake up and being doing their job at full capacity; the waiting totally sucks, I promise you.

Being within 2 feet of T and not being heard is something I'm not okay with anymore.  I don't have the desire to repeat every sentence or word every day of my life.  I just have no desire or energy for such a thing, and it makes communication enormous work and a frustrating endeavor that I've lost almost all interest in.  I find myself in tears as T is the only person I'm around these days, and the realization that I'm so at his mercy while he HAS no mercy is staggering in its significance when it comes to my life and my health.

This is not a situation all that unfamiliar to me.

I've been down this road before, only the terrain looks a little different.  Being sick, having major health issues arise (such as a TIA, which I had in 2013) and having someone in my life who was indifferent, 'put-out' by my being sick, having my emotions, self-esteem and body pushed beyond any reasonable limit damaged my health--both physical and emotional.  This was on a far, far greater scale than anything I'd ever experienced in my life and mostly due to my not understanding what it was I was dealign with.  I know now, of course, but it's not of any help at the moment.  I'm at T's mercy, totally, so when I try to talk about anything, especially the most important things and am tuned-out to the point where I'm literally talking to myself... I admit... it's brought me to tears over the last week or so.  I'm too weak, to tired, and way too sick to be able to handle this in any healthy fashion.

Yesterday was so incredibly hard.  I spent most of the day in bed, covered up, dealing with a tuned-out T to freezing one moment and overheating the next.  It was just too much at one time, and I didn't handle it well.  I fight to get out of bed every day, to try yet one more time while embracing the hope that today will be the day I feel better and more like myself.  It's all I have.  Yet my day was spent in bed yesterday for the most part because I was unable to find any motivation to even so much as sit upright and watch tv.  There's a lot of details I'm not adding, but I honestly don't have the energy to type much more than I have.

All I know is that history is somewhat repeating itself, and the damage from the past is fusing with the damage from the present, leaving me spent, depressed, and defeated.

It's really all I know right now...

Respect Revisited.

It's one of the single most important traits a person can have; the ability to extend TRUE respect to another human being.  It's a taught skill, one that is vital to getting along with others on this planet.  Yes, those "duh" statements seem redundant because everyone is supposed to understand, and yet what I find these days is that most people have either discarded respect, or were never taught it to begin with.  Either way, gone are the days when I allow myself to be disrespected by others.

This topic is one I revisit when relevant.  I'm living in a situation where disrespect has become the order of the day from T.  I've talked to him, explained, begged and pleaded for him to SEE and UNDERSTAND what he does and how it affects me.  He says he gets it yet returns to the disrespectful pattern of behavior almost immediately.

Disrespect changes how I feel about people.  Abuse, mental and physical change how I feel about people.  Meaning, if you're going to disrespect and/or abuse me you will cease to be someone I want to be around, someone I admire, someone I love.  I'm not including family in this because that's a whole other situation.  If my sons disrespected me, which they don't, I would still love and admire them.  When it comes to relationships---sorry, disrespect and abuse, hatefulness and meanness simply don't cut it for me.  Eventually your abuses, disrespect, etc... will reveal you for who you are, and I will ultimately fall out of love with you.

T isn't abusive, but he is disrespectful.  If he says something mean or hurtful he usually apologizes and means it.  But apologies for the indifference, disrespect, etc... fall on deaf ears and leave me cold inside.  He's really killing my feelings for him--and yes, he knows this.

My past history, as you guys know, have been fraught with abuses and disrespect.  I endured a lot for the sake of what I thought was love.  The confusion of someone being hateful and abusive to me while claiming to love me has taught me much, and it's also left me with many questions yet to be answered.  I've been lucky in that there've only been a couple of relationships that have left me questioning what romantic love is.  And I say 'romantic love' because, again, that's a very different thing than love for family or friends.

My past colors my present.  It is what it is and in many ways this has left me at a crossroads of what I want and need, and what I have.  I don't really have a definition of love anymore outside of my faith.  Romantic love is fragile, and most of the time it's temporary.  Whether someone falls out of love and moves on, or whether that love deepens into something more deep, stable, and abiding remains to be seen in the early days of the relationship.  And that deep, abiding love is the stuff that keeps people together and happy for many, many years.  Not that it guarantees a perfect relationship or perfect life or perpetual bliss--it absolutely doesn't.  But that kind of love is what makes getting past the hard parts possible.

That kind of love is what makes getting past the hard parts possible.

I don't know why people tend to go into relationships EXPECTING so much without any wiggle room.  Destined to fail, those relationships put under that amount of stress and pressure will ultimately fail.  It's been proven.  So why do people do this if it's going to only end in chaos and separation?  The quick answer: Not all people do this.

Control freaks are those who ultimately end up destroying a relationship.  And by that I mean those who have an incessant need to control EVERYTHING about the relationship AND the person they're with.  If someone is trying to change everything about you, that relationship you have with them will eventually end, because it will become too hurtful, too harmful to you to stay in.  And it's unhealthy to stay in relationships like that.

Then you have someone like me who's had an emotionally-abusive childhood, who didn't have the benefit of a healthy, plugged-in mom, or a father around for any part of development.  I didn't have the best teacher as to what to pick in terms of a partner.  A boyfriend, a husband... doesn't matter.  My choices have been mostly bad.  Mostly.

I'm going to have to finish this at a later date.  I'm feeling very sick today and can't continue to sit at the computer....

To be continued....

Why Am I Here Again?

T

he question hangs in the air.  On a daily basis I ask myself why I'm 'here,' meaning in this life, in this city, in this place.  WHY am I STILL here.. is the real question.  Oh, I know how I got here; that's not the problem.  And in many ways I know why I'm still here, too.  I mean, I'm not well at all.  Not at all.  And it's not like I have a mom or sister, etc. that I can go move in with.  My siblings are just people I share DNA with.  I have nowhere to go, or I would absolutely go.

In no way do I take pleasure in stating the cold, hard facts about T, and there's nothing enjoyable about living with someone who is SO blatantly disconnected and indifferent, so completely tuned out.  So much disrespect, yes.  But I think, more than anything, that his diminishing what I'm going through is the absolute worst.  I distance myself because that's the only way I can regain my balance and have any peace.  I will continue to distance myself to protect my health.  It's the right thing for me to do.

I'm too weak to go into details right now.  Soon, though... I hope....

When Past Experiences Fade.

What I've found is that our past really does change us.  It doesn't change WHO we are, per se, but it certainly changes how we think and how we approach familiar, yet uncomfortable, situations in the future.  Once the damage is done it's done.  We can seek counseling, religion, friends or family to aid in the healing process, but we can't change the scars that remain once the healing is complete.  And this is IF the healing is complete.  Some of us never quite reach that level of healing, unfortunately.

I'm not going to say I'll never heal from my past unfortunate experiences, and I totally accept the fact that the scars are there for a reason; We can't wish or hope or anger them away.  And why would we?

For me, the damage left by awful experiences of past relationships aren't always apparent or noticeable.  With each day's accomplishments and trials the past may be readily in focus or blurred beyond recognition.  My mind only calls up what it needs, or what it believes is relevant.  Is it always actually relevant?  Of course not, so it's up to me to determine what's what and act accordingly.  For example, being disrespected usually brings past experiences readily to the forefront.  It is what it is.  And during those times when the ugly parts of the past fades... I don't question the opacity of the lens I'm viewing through but accept the gift and move through my day.

The past doesn't always color my world, and I'll take the blurry days over the stark reality of the scars left from an emotionally-violent past.  Today is one of those blurry days, and I'm grateful for that little gift.  But it doesn't mean I've forgotten.  There isn't any way I can forget.

I remember because of the scars.  I remember because I'm not lost on the value of the lesson.  I remember because those memories, painful as they are, keep me in-check much like the painful burn of a flame that makes us pull back before too much harm is done.  I remember because I'm supposed to.

The sum of me, all the parts that make up the whole, is only whole when I'm aware.  I can't bury or ignore those dark experiences that hurt and changed me no more than I can bury or ignore those great experiences that made my spirit soar to amazing heights, that inspired me.  Acceptance is healing, and it's a place I can thrive in.

It's time for me to sign off.  I'm cold, tired, and it's time to just heal a little while.....

"I Forgot"

I hear that phrase a lot these days.  What does it mean, exactly, I'm not sure; but I know how it feels.  Having to rely on someone for ANY reason requires trust, and I mean absolute trust.  Having to rely on someone who's betrayed that trust on a daily basis is a hell I wouldn't wish on a single soul.

I absolutely MUST get better, well, healthy.

It's not like I haven't been here before.  Being sick isn't fun for anyone, and being sick in the presence of someone who lacks compassion, or who FAKES compassion, is stressful, uncomfortable, and more than just a little sad.  I have to say I'm surprised at how many people lack even the minimal amount of compassion required to be 'human.'  Is this really the norm now?  I have to make myself believe it's not the norm, because it it is then human beings are in serious, serious trouble.

There seems to be a limited coffer in which compassion comes in only specific quantities--at least in some people.  And when dipping into the reserve almost appears as a painful event for narcissists.  There are rules as well that must be followed lest you end up on the wrong side of favor with those types.  Timing, whether or not it's convenient (for one to be sick), how long the illness will take to resolve, and if none of the criteria is met then the faux compassion is quickly discarded and the true feelings of resentment and irritation is revealed. Yes, it's been there all along, but that person, that narcissist has grown weary of caring for you.

It's heartbreaking to feel that kind of compassionless ire radiating from someone you love, someone you THOUGHT or THINKS loves you.  It's the worst kind of betrayal, because we all long for unconditional love; something a narcissist is incapable of.  They can play the part, but the script changes dramatically when it comes to the test of time, and it does so every single time.  As for the threshold of said narcissist's limit for compassion, care, love, and selflessness depends on the individual and how much the narcissist is "paid" for their pseudo-love and false devotion.

For me, right now in my current situation, it's a matter of indifference and lack of action that's the real problem.  Half-assing his way through just about everything (except his own personal needs) is a way of life for him.  This was also the case with a past relationship of mine in which half-assing was more like an art form, a 'skill' in which the narcissist patted himself on the back for having such prowess.  Congratulating himself for a lack of feeling, caring, compassion, empathy... while blaming me for his lack of caring.

As things currently stand it's a matter of way too many "I forgot" statements that are more like fingernails dragging down a chalkboard than anything remotely comforting.  Yes, we all forget, some of us forget a lot of things.  But when it comes to the really important matters forgetting isn't well-accepted.

The important matters, while I won't go into details, are serious ones that impact my quality of life and health.  Forgetting isn't even an option to most normal, caring individuals, but in T's case... it's a way of life, something he does, and something he doesn't feel important enough to address.. though he emphatically says so.  I don't buy it, and I don't because you can't put all forgetfulness on a level playing field with every single situation and circumstance.  Forgetting to run a dishwasher, for example, isn't on the same level of importance as forgetting putting the wrong medication in the wrong place when it can risk the person's life.

If there is any compassion inside, any at all, it comes into play without having to invoke it, no matter what.

This is more of a rant than anything.  I'm both disheartened and disappointed at T's behavior.  I have no interest whatsoever in trying to make him understand.  I have far too many other things to focus on, including (but not limited to) new issues that I have to see the doctor for tomorrow morning.  Enough is enough, and I've had enough.  My life has changed drastically, and I'm trying to get it back on track, get healthy, and stress isn't something I need right now.  In fact, on prednisone.. stress is to be avoided at all costs.  Many days this means disappearing into my room/Girl Cave in order to stretch out, listen to music, and shut the entire world away....

..I've had to resort to that withdrawal far too many times these days...