Text, FB, Email is NOT a respectful way to have important conversations.

NOTE:  Audio isn't as clear as I'd like, so I'm working on that today so future uploads are without any weird sounds.  Thanks for your patience.

Revelations Post-Consumption....

NOTE:  I apologize if the audio isn't quite up to par, and I'm looking into a decent mic to cut down on the static heard.

"Post-Consumption" and what I mean by that.  AFTER a malignant narcissist chews you up and spits you out (narcissistic supply).  Plainly, put.

Between the Mask and the Man

It's like a multi-headed monster, really, all those bad memories.  I refuse to shove them away in a dark corner somewhere because I know how foolish and damaging that actually is to do.  You can't deal with something if you don't face it, and face it for however long it takes until you beat it.  No matter how weakened you are by the experience(s), you simply can't allow it to control things from the backseat.

For far too long I allowed the happy person I was to be emptied and depleted by someone who only needed the part of me that made them feel like the most important person in the world.  My self-esteem wasn't great, and I even told him so.  It wasn't hidden news and something I spoke of to friends about on more than just a few occasions.  I know how my self-esteem crumbled since childhood, but I was always running to stay one step ahead of completely giving in to the idea that I'm somehow less-than.  It took a long, long time to get to a point where I wasn't completely oblivious to the people I was bringing into my life and why.  I didn't understand until just a few short years ago that I was bringing others into my life to treat me like crap, the way my mom mostly treated me throughout my childhood and beyond.  It was history repeating itself.

No where along the road to becoming the person I would be did I ever consider what was being said to me, done to me was anything other than normal, and that I would continue into adulthood believing that all the sad times, hurtful times, and frightening times were all my fault, every single one of them.  I self-blamed right through childhood and into adulthood.  This became 'normal' for me, for my life, and I spent all of my life seeking those who would continue to support this idea of 'me' that I'd gotten from others and accepted as truth.  Those who didn't treat me terribly I walked away from and early on, because they didn't fit the 'normal' in my life at all.

It wasn't until late 2012 that I began to see the current situation I was in as 'off.'  Somewhere inside, however, I knew things were terribly, terribly wrong, but I couldn't figure out what happened or why it happened.  Didn't I feel better about myself by then?  Hadn't I just gotten out of a relationship that was tearing me apart in that last two of eleven years?  Hadn't I regained my health, returned to health once I picked myself up and realized the best thing for me was to be single again?  Hadn't I gone through enough to right things, only now to find myself right back in the fire again?  I knew the answers to it all, yet I was blinded by love.  I'd fallen in love with someone I thought was the most perfect guy in the world.  Thing I didn't realize right away, and not until it was too late, is that he thought that about himself too...

The mask began to fall less than a year later.  I caught glimpses of behaviors and traits and tactics that I couldn't really put my finger on.  As time passed the gaslighting began, and I began to doubt myself, my opinions about what was happening, how I felt, and I eventually doubted the very person I was until I went on a journey at his bidding to become someone else.  The very effort of becoming someone other than me was taxing in more ways than I can describe, and the damage it did to me was insidious and cumulative.

Bouncing back wasn't an option, as I would find out in therapy.  And I'd gone to therapy because I couldn't figure out why I couldn't let go, why even after the ugly breakup I was bewildered by it all and not letting go.  I've spoken about this in entries on my other blogs, but in short I was told that I was having trouble reconciling who I fell in love with and the person he really was.  They weren't the same, and the guy I needed to say goodbye to simply didn't exist anywhere but in my mind.  I fell for the mask and not the person.

How is it that I didn't know?  That's a topic of conversation that I've embarked on far too many times, and I'm still to this day trying not to go there anymore.  But the reconciliation that brings closure may be one of the hardest things for me to achieve, because the line still blurs between the mask and the man.

The fragility of the situation is clearly seen now, and yet I find myself trying to reconcile it all just the same.  Without guidance I'm left to floundering along trying to compose one image of the two things that will never ever form a consistent or cohesive composite of that person.  It's just not working.

The damage is still there.  I deal with it every single day of my life.  Once again, I'm not going to turn my back on this because leaving it in the bowels of one's mind, and yes... we all have a cesspool of crap that gets dumped into a toxic recycling bin... well, if I left it there I will only be left to deal in the decay of something that was never real to begin with.  I'm not going to do that.

The last time I spoke with Beverly (my therapist) was in 2013.  I knew I wasn't to be in that area much longer and needed to end the sessions and focus on the business at hand, that being the business of preparing for another life somewhere else.  What I was left with was the knowledge that the damage was with me and would be with me forever, that I would simply have to heal around those wounds and hope the strong scars that remain would hold it all in place.  I think it is, but the scars are still quite tender at this point, and only because of the lack of closure.

You will never get closure after leaving a narcissist.  It's simply not going to happen.  Acceptance of this means no surprises down the line when the garbage surfaces, and it will surface again, and reminds you that there is yet still that absence of closure than brings total acceptance and healing.

If you're dealing with this, and if you're feeling lost, bewildered, betrayed, confused and alone... you're not at all alone in that.  We are many, those who've had to find our way back again...

More to come....

Gas lighting

NOTE:  I will occasionally state a reminder that when I'm referring to narcissists I will usually use the words "he" or "him" etc., because that's my experience.  Unless I'm referring to my mom, of course.  But do know that I know and understand that narcissists can be either male or female.  My stating things in terms of 'he' is only speaking to my own personal experience.

Funny thing about the parallels of abuse in life.  Right now we have a tightly-wound political climate in which history, though a dark version of itself, is being made by the worst president to have ever held office in US history.

What is Gaslighting?  Well, first of all, let me say first the term comes from an old b/w movie starring Charles Boyer and Ingrid Bergman... where she ( was being systematically driven crazy, or made to think she was, by her controlling conman of a husband.  Oh, but it goes far deeper than that, really.  Far deeper.  It's an insidious tool used by all masters of emotional/verbal abuse.

Gaslighting or gas-lighting is a form of mental abuse in which information is twisted or spun, selectively omitted to favor the abuser, or false information is presented with the intent of making victims doubt their own memory, perception, and sanity.

OMG, but have I experienced this first-hand, and it's THE worst form of emotional abuse someone could endure.  How did I know this tactic was being used on me?  Because I had to seek counseling to recover from a relationship in which gaslighting was routinely used on me.  I had no idea, until it was shown to me by a therapist who immediately recognized what I was describing.  Thank God for her!

All the pieces fit.  I saw everything fall neatly into place as my therapist explained to me what gaslighting is, what it does, and how damaging it is for the receiver.  I was stunned as she spoke, a little numb as I read the handouts she gave me to look over, and more recently... shaken a little as I watched the movie ("Gaslight") where the term actually came from.  OMG, I thought, I'm watching so much right there on the screen.. so much that I actually went through.

But it's really more than that, folks.  You have to be aware of gaslighting and knowing where you are in the narcissistic supply food chain.  Once you recognize you're with a narcissist, you can get to the task of knowing where you stand so you can find your way out.  Remember, you've been conditioned to believe that the narcissist is the only person who will want or have you, that they're a true gift from God himself, and that you are damned lucky to have them.  Don't you believe it!

So many red flags, so little time.  But if you remember that you're solely in that person's life for THEIR benefit, then you will be able to spot the red flags and they reveal themselves.

You're not important to them except as a source of supply.  Your needs don't matter, and anything they do for you isn't for YOU but for their ego.  It's a lot like the farmer feeding the calf to fatten it before slaughter.  Once you're consumed, your emotional remains are no longer necessary, needed, or wanted.  Time for a new calf to fatten.

Over time the joys you find in life become a burden to your narcissist.  Why?  Because it's about YOU.  And trust me, it can NEVER be about YOU.  There is only one center of his universe.... and trust me, babe, it's NOT YOU.  And it never ever will be.

Some of the rules you'll have to follow include being available 24/7 in case your narcissist needs you.  It won't matter if your tired, working, hungry, taking a shower, sleeping, eating, talking to friends or family, or just spending some time for yourself by watching tv.  You BETTER be available or pay the price.  There is ALWAYS a price.

I can't tell you how many times I lost sleep, stayed up until 2am or was woken at 2am when I had to be up at 5am or 6am... just so I wouldn't be stonewalled and ignored for days or weeks by my narcissist who didn't respect me OR my time.  I skipped meals, taking a shower at another time, because the narcissist claimed I was being 'selfish' for doing those things instead of talking to him on the phone.  He also didn't allow me to do anything WHILE talking on the phone, so necessary tasks that needed done either had to be put off so I could sit stock-still in one location so he didn't hear any other sound coming through the phone.. to alert him that I was doing anything more than listening to him.  He claimed that if I were doing anything else while on the phone with him I was being disrespectful and not giving him my full, undivided attention.  Thing is... I would hear CRASH, BOOM, BANG, and the cacophony of explosive sounds of paper rattling as he went through all the things he does while on speakerphone with me.  Double-standard... another narcissist classic maneuver.

Not sleeping, eating, having constant anxiety filling your gut, body full of adrenalin... all these things can kill you.  All of these things WILL wreck your health, and they did wreck mine.

You know you're dealing with a narcissist when your health stops mattering, when you lose sleep and they don't care, when being at their beck and call 24/7 means your life isn't your life any longer. When all of your free, waking time and then some is manipulated and filled to the brim with unrealistic demands, constant criticism, massive episodes of gaslighting.... beware, because you're going to withdraw out of necessity for your health and life and your narcissist, if he hasn't already begun doing so, will be looking for his next source of supply.

More to come...

A Comfortable Position

Realistic; it's the new optimistic.  I can't change the facts, but I can change what I accept, what I don't accept, and how I deal with said facts...

Now, we've all heard the phrase.. "I can't change anyone else, but I CAN change ME."  And yes, that's true. But what this phrase doesn't address is how OTHERS can also change us!  In fact, it's the words and behaviors of others that do the most damage, or the most good, and it's often done with little effort on your part as a 'receiver' because while you may be ignoring, making excuses for, or actively doing whatever it takes to protect yourself... those words and behaviors touch your subconscious.  And this often happens in the most insidious of ways.  If you're dealing with someone who is NOT concerned about your best interest, OR you're dealing with a narcissist, then you're going to be in BIG trouble, my friend.  VERY big trouble.

Will I ever really heal?

I can't give an exact timeline, if there actually IS one, but I can keep moving can't I?  Can't I just keep moving like what's wounded is more like a muscle than my entire soul?  Won't this make it better in time, all this moving, shifting, changing?  While I can't answer the questions myself, the fact that I'm asking them means I'm still heading towards healing.  At least that's the way "I" see it.

Does this moving involve pushing down what I know is damage done, or does it mean I simply find a way to navigate around it through the course of my everyday life?  Now this is something I may or may not be able to figure out over time, but my thinking at the moment is that, at least for now, moving definitely means navigating around the damage I know is there, what is hurting.  All this shifting about to find a comfortable 'position' within myself only works for a short time, not much unlike when you've been sitting too long.  It does help for a little while.

Why not sugar-coat what is, put on the rose-colored glasses, numb the pain, the truth... just numb it all?  Because that's just one more tiresome temporary solution.  What I need is a final, definitive cure to the deep wounds within.  Isn't that what anyone wants when they come out of a dark situation?  Of course.  Why not?  We can long for, desire, and obtain (eventually) that which we deserve---freedom from pain and a gain of our self, whole, and undamaged as possible.

The side effects of being with a narcissist are far-reaching, undeniable, and long lasting.  Even out of the relationship they plague everything, poison the good, and pinch the wounds that refuse to heal.  They linger in the very air we breathe at times, even when we're not aware of it.  At least that's how it is with me.  Then suddenly they come crashing through again, ultimately pushing me back to square one for a time.  It's always there.  We don't forget.  "I" don't forget.  I can't forget.  The scars are a part of me now.

I still deal with it because I have to.  Or rather... I don't really DEAL with those side effects; it's more like I ENDURE them.  I mean, isn't that what most of us do until we, well, don't?

Praise Me

It's the sustenance of all narcissists, and without it they will ruin your world.

Giving praise to my narcissist was easy in the beginning because I saw this funny, handsome, romantic guy who said and did all the right things.  I mean, this is how we end up falling in love, isn't it?  We see their personality traits and love what we see and hear, and over time it endears them to us.  I mean, how can it not?  And I'm not talking about what that person says about who WE are, but rather those things that show us who THEY ARE.  HUGE difference.

Anyone who's been with a narcissist knows that they project this image to the outside world, and to US at first, as exceedingly charming, funny, lovely people!  We discover later on, when forced to learn about narcissists, that this is absolutely necessary for their survival, that they NEED that supply of praise and adulation, even worship.  But we also know that when the mask begins to slip we get glimpse of the other thing lurking beneath, the very thing that will end up devouring our lives, our spirits, our health and vitality, our sense of self-worth.

I still have some fond thoughts about my ex, but in keeping them within proper perspective I know those fond feelings are misplaced, misguided, that they're feelings for an IDEAL.  In many ways this discovery left me to withholding real praise for the person I'm with.  I have to actively participate in my own inner-functions, that is to say I have to be extremely mindful that I'm not purposely holding back for fear of things turning out the same as they did with my narcissist.

Oh, I do know better.  But my current relationship isn't without it's issues, some of them serious.  Be that as it may, I'm in perpetual self-preservation mode.  Not surprising what I've gone through.

My finally speaking openly about my experience with a narcissist has helped me tremendously in more ways than I thought possible.  But I've a very long way to go, and I'm not sure I'm willing to let go of those protective inner resources I've obtained along the way.  I'm sure I still need to talk to a therapist to finish dealing with the experience, and in time I will.

You see, in all honesty, I know I won't ever be the same person again.  Not exactly.  I can repair what's broken, but I can't replace what's gone.  And who knows, maybe what I 'think' is 'gone' is actually just tucked away in a safe place inside, waiting for healing.  I can certainly be on board with such a possibility, because it's far better than having to mourn something totally lost.

Praise.  It's not something I received much of in my life, especially growing up, but it was also something I never really needed.  For me, praise wasn't what I needed, but APPROVAL.  I'm completely aware of this, and I'm somewhat okay with that.  And I'm comfortable with GIVING praise to others.  It actually comes easily for me.  But what of the 'demanded praise' required by a narcissist?

Narcissistic Supply; what an absolutely ugly term to use on oneself.  Yet, I had to.  HAVE to.  If I'm not completely honest with myself about this, I'm lost.  So here I am, realizing that for the person I fell head over heals in love with... I was nothing more than that supply to feed his ego, his bottomless need.

When the emotional abuse became too much, praise for him became exceedingly difficult, then eventually... impossible; We all have our breaking points.  When my usefulness had run out, he began to demand praise--to be right, the authority on all I was and should be, or could never be, the walking encyclopedia of absolutely everything, the expert on my life.  Anything other than acceptance and agreement of all his criticisms of me was met with hatefulness, withdrawal of love, stonewalling, more criticism, usually ending in gas lighting to throw me off balance.  This cycle was never-ending after a time, and it hollowed out the vibrant parts of me with all its energy-sapping and relentless battering.

"You're right" had eventually revealed itself as the bitter lie it was.
"You're amazing" became a weapon he ultimately used against me.
"I love you" became yet another weapon to use against me, and he did it often.
"I miss you" was met with an ugly retort that somehow missing him meant I was "Selfish."
"You're so smart" became one of his favorite reasons to belittle me, with constant 'reminders' of how he was so much smarter.

He required praise, but it was usually tucked away in his arsenal to be used against me whenever the mood struck him---and it often did in just about every situation.

I didn't have to defend myself; but I didn't know this then.  And when I discovered my error in having defended myself for too many years to this person, it was almost too late.  So much damage done.  So damn much damage done.

I guess today is just a day when I'm finding I need to deal with this a bit more, to purge, to get it off my chest.

Now, some of you have asked WHO it is I'm talking about, which of my ex's... well, I'm not saying.  It's not about pointing fingers, but about sharing what I've gone and am going through as a result in hopes it helps someone else.

Now, on to eat some lunch....

PART 2: Your Value as a Human Being Defined by a Narcissist

In the last entry I gave a pretty long account of how I came to bringing narcissists into my life.  While long, I think it was important to define where I'm coming from in a meaningful way.  Hopefully I did just that.  Now it's time to explain how I allowed narcissists to define who I am and, which resulted in allowing them to define my actual value as a person.  Do realize that ALL narcissists do this, so if you're dealing with one you'll most likely see yourself in what I'm about to say; unless you're in the early stages where you're being put on a pedestal.

I've previously discussed "Narcissistic Supply" and what it means, but in short I will simply say it's basically a narcissist using another human being in order to feel superior, better-than.  That's WAY oversimplifying, but you probably get the point if you're actually WITH a narcissist.

NOTE:  You'll ONLY be valued by a narcissist when you're fulfilling the narcissistic need (aka, when you're actually and literally 'narcissistic supply').  The devaluation period begins when you're no longer that supply and the narcissist is bored and actively looking for his next supply.  This more times than not happens WHILE you're still with them, because they have to secure their next supply before getting rid of the old supply that is no longer giving them what they need.  They can't really be left without a supply of any kind so often, though not always, end up finding someone new (a replacement) while still in the relationship with you.  This is VERY common, by the way.

Clues you're being replaced as a narcissist's supply:

The signs are not unlike any other 'normal' situation where someone becomes bored in the relationship, cheats on you, etc.  But there are critical differences between a normal 'cheating' or 'falling out of love with' situation and that of where a narcissist is seeking a new supply.

All the usual fare applies here, with some uniquely different additions and twists:

1.  Calling and texting less/communication sees difficult or impossible, which is ultimately blamed on you.

2.  Picking fights, usually on a daily basis, often resulting in his/her not speaking to you for days (stonewalling), which is ultimately blamed on you.

3.  Constant criticism, which is ultimately blamed on you.

4.  Constant comparing and contrasting you to ex's or others the narcissist is interested in, which is ultimately blamed on you.

5.  Sex becomes something that feels 'unnatural' to you.  Now this is a tough one, because narcissists rarely ever have "normal" sex.  In fact, during sex they are usually disconnected and unable to perform unless stimulated in another way outside of the sex itself.  And outside of sheer 'performance' a narcissist cannot "make love."

But when your narcissist is looking for another source of supply the sex becomes such that it often leaves the 'supply' turned off, repelled, and bewildered.  This is a dangerous stage, because the resulting psychological and emotional damage can be long-lasting.  And like everything else bad that happens with your narcissist.. this is ultimately blamed on you.

6.  Demands become either more in number, and/or stranger in nature.  Usually this falls under the heading of all things sexual, but it requires a separate notation here because of its complexity in where it actually separates itself from actual 'sex.'  Let's suffice it to say that the demands for things such as sexually explicit photos, videos, performances, and information increase in number.  You find yourself barely able to find the time to do the things in your life that need doing, to take any time at all for yourself, to do anything for yourself, including relaxing... because the narcissist is, at this point, attempting to extract a supply that you can no longer provide.  Either your emotional state has deteriorated (depression, anxiety) to a point where you simply cannot be the plaything any longer, or if your self-esteem is intact enough... you simply WILL NOT be that supply any longer.  In both cases you probably have no idea what you're dealing with or how to define it.  And again, you will ultimately be blamed for the narcissist's behavior and increase in his/her 'needs.'

7.  Your time is no longer respected.  This is one of the hardest traits you'll have to deal with when it comes to being with a narcissist.  As YOU are devalued, so is everything in your life.  Your own needs will be offered up to you as 'selfish,' no matter if it's eating, sleeping, working, hobbies, leisure activities, your faith (church, etc.), and even your pets and family.  At this point your narcissist no longer really sees you as a human being deserving of respect, care, compassion or love.

Your inability to supply the narcissist's ever-increasing demands/needs renders you irrelevant.  THIS is absolutely CRITICAL for you to recognize, because if you don't recognize and deal with this (by LEAVING) it can destroy your physical and emotional wellbeing.  When things have reached this level of deterioration it is NECESSARY for you to get out!  You are going to be discarded eventually, so it makes no sense to stay.  Thing is, you'll probably not recognize what's happening unless you're made aware---which is what I'm doing now.  You will ultimately be blamed for all of this.

8.  Constant reminders that you can be replaced.  This is often said with a dark tone of warning, but it also can be presented in a flippant manner, both meant to hurt and worry you, to make you question your role and responsibility in the situation.  In a NORMAL and HEALTHY relationship the person who is unhappy, falling out of love, etc. will usually just break up with you and leave the situation, and they often will leave in a way that is as least damaging to you.  Healthy breakups between emotionally healthy people aren't HAPPY affairs, but a certain amount of respect is normally sought in the situation.  When a narcissist wants to leave, however, he/she does it in such a way as to leave you as hurt and broken as possible.  You will ultimately be blamed for this.

9.  You find yourself increasingly responsible for the relationship and shown how inept you are at the job.  This is really a killer of self-esteem and self-worth for those dealing with a narcissist.  Because narcissists aren't really people pleasers, they often seek out those who are.  They don't really feel compassion or actual love, so they seek those who DO feel those things, and strongly.  They also seek out those damaged just enough to be malleable.  With this combination, when the narcissist begins to look for a replacement for you (looking for a new supply), the devaluation period becomes fraught with many, many demands, often ones that are nearly impossible to meet.  And.. the relationship APPEARS to deteriorate before your eyes.  But it's an illusion.

The relationship, like the narcissist, was always based on what you 'thought' was real but was merely a facade.  Once the facade begins to crack and crumble away, once the narcissist's mask begins to slip and ultimately drop... the truth of the situation reveals itself.  Sadly, you'll begin to frantically try to patch the cracks and decay, to help the narcissist replace the mask you fell in love with.  This can never be done, though, and as the relationship becomes depressing, disconnected, chaotic, not only will the narcissist blame you for this, you will end up blaming yourself.  He/she has groomed you from the beginning for this very moment.

Over time your self-esteem was whittled away at, and at some point hacked away recklessly and with wanton abandon by the same person who once made you feel like you mattered.  This is the worst part of the devaluation period, a time in which you will ultimately be blamed for the hurt and damaged inflicted upon you by the narcissist.

10.  You will notice more frequently that the narcissist is accusing YOU of exactly what he/she is doing, often at the time you're being accused.  THIS is one of the most tell-tale signs you're dealing with a narcissist, btw---projection.  It happens early on as well, but you're in the throes of falling in love and being mostly gushed mover, pampered perhaps, and made to 'feel loved.'  Here is when, in a perfect world, we would recognize that we are falling in love with an IDEAL and make haste of getting far far away.

.................................

I've chosen not to list everything, because the list really is quite long.  All of these warning signs overlap because they're all connected, and they also share one key component: blame.  You will be ultimately blamed for every mistake, every problem, every single thing that goes wrong in the relationship.  And all the 'right' things, the seemingly 'good' things, well, those will be the things your narcissist will take credit for.  Don't fall for it.

Here's the part where I talk to you frankly, as a person with experience:

Look, I'm no expert, and I've no degree in psychology.  I can't analyze anyone, but what I can do is analyze their BEHAVIOR.  As human beings without degrees in psychology that's all we can do, it's what we MUST do; that, and practice the skill of discernment.

We cannot be blamed for what was done to us by a narcissist.  Their malignant self-love leaves no room for them to feel compassion, so they inflict pain, and they hurt us emotionally, sometimes physically, and they have no true self-restraint.  There is NOTHING at all that we can do to make it stop, to change them.  They are what they are, and in the RARE event they recognize they have a problem they can seek and obtain help, even change and become a better, kinder, more compassionate person.  But WE cannot change them, ever.  And we MUST NOT EVER blame ourselves for what they are.

My college honors psych classes didn't prepare me for dealing with this personally, but seeing a therapist DID give me a tremendous amount of insight, and it helped me understand what part of me made me vulnerable to these personality types.  It can help you too.  Why suffer when you don't have to?

Am I healed?  No.  Not completely.  I would benefit from finding another therapist.  I'm in a new city and just haven't searched for a therapist to replace the last.  But again, I also have been telling myself that I understand now and am okay.

But I'm not okay.

You see, breaking up with a narcissist is ugly business.  Not because you've broken up, but because you've broken up with an IDEAL.  How the hell do you say goodbye to an IDEAL?  You can't.  And because of this you never really get to say goodbye, to obtain that much-needed closure!

You can't say goodbye to someone who never existed to begin with.

Please understand that I'm not devaluing that person as a human being or saying that they as a person didn't exist, wasn't or isn't deserving of love, respect, etc.  They absolutely did and DO!  But the "Someone" I'm referring to DIDN'T exist, and that was the person who wore the mask, built the facade, then tore it all down because I never mattered as a person.  Do you understand?  It's not easy to describe something so utterly complicated.

I have to accept every day that I was just narcissistic supply to someone I loved deeply, fully, and unconditionally.

Your Value as a Human Being Defined by a Narcissist

In some ways I've avoided thinking about this, knowing if I go there I'll be reminded of how blindsided I was by my narcissist's intentions.  His intentions weren't evident to me because I was so completely thrown off-guard by the hot/cold performances that occurred on a daily basis, and in those times when I did actually have a few minutes to myself to breathe and think...I didn't allow myself to think about anything but the weight that was lifted off of me during the times of his angry absences.

This is the maze of confusion a narcissist creates to keep you off-balance, because if you ever gained your footing... you'd run like hell.

I'd spent the majority of my life re-inventing myself after events that pretty much left my life utterly changed for good.  Back then, while still damaged from the events of my childhood, and still WITHIN my childhood, that constant shifting of who I knew I was and who I was allowed to be didn't change who I was inside.  As my instincts as a child, my inclinations to gravitate towards those things I was meant to embrace, were thwarted by an indifferent and emotionally-absent mother.  Most other parents would recognize how significant my passions were.  But not my mother.  There was a perpetual "No" associated with almost everything I reached for.  I knew what I was, who I was meant to be, and it was a vibrant, bright and burning flame that remained within me for many years.  But it did die out eventually in my early teens, thanks to a mother who made the decision long ago that her needs were more important than her child's.

I was the last of six and born very late--an "accident" as she liked to call me.  I laughed until adulthood about being referred to as an 'accident,' like she fell, hit her head and ended up pregnant, something unintentional that would morph into a walking regret later on.  Still, not quite understanding what that word meant in terms of me, I continued to reach for the stars and fill my small, unassuming life with those things that would lift me, despite the doors she continuously closed without hesitation or thought.

She was my first and most influential exposure to narcissism.

I knew I was a dancer as early as age 4.  I gravitated towards dance, ballet at the time, and music like the proverbial moth to a flame.  I hadn't even started kindergarten and I'd built a fairly large collection of classical music albums of which I played daily.  I danced daily, despite the lack of any classical training, and I begged my mother for lessons...every....single....year until I reached junior high school, when I knew I was long-past the window of realizing my dream.  The days of dancing in the alleyway outside of the ballet studio next to my house were over, as was the begging and pleading and dreaming of such.  My dreams didn't die, but they did shift.

She couldn't say no to dance lessons in school.  And yes, back then schools still did teach the arts.  In 5th grade I was able to take music classes, recorder.. because it was the cheapest route.  The music teacher encouraged me to take up another instrument---clarinet.  My mother actually did, to my surprise, buy me a used clarinet at a local pawn shop, and I eagerly went about learning.  Within about 3 months I was asked to join the school district's 'honor band,' which was for those gifted or accelerating behind the average.  My mom was glad for me, but she remained pretty unimpressed and never came to any of the recitals.

As time went on and I couldn't afford to take my clarinet to get the required 'maintenance'... it finally broke, and my mom simply didn't pursue doing anything about it.  I'd gone through so many changes with music that my mom was oblivious to, even though it happened right before her eyes.  She never noticed when I'd bring home an oboe, a flute, a piccolo... she didn't notice that I could actually PLAY them.  I could play just about any wind instrument put in my hands.

My music teacher, recognizing what was happening with me offered to take me to a symphony.  It was the only one I would ever attend.. at least so far.  I was awed, amazed, and NEEDED to be there, to be a PART of it all.  But it wasn't meant to be anything more than one more door that would slam shut forever.

We moved to Colorado right before I was to begin high school, my clarinet was sold, and my dreams were forgotten and never spoken about again by her.  However, at the age of 14 something else came across my path that would stick with me until adulthood---bellydance.  This was another door my mother closed with a resounding "No," and I wasn't to revisit this particular dream until adulthood, when living on the Mississippi gulf coast I made my first trip to New Orleans where I entered a shop called "Kruz: From Morocco to India."  I was drawn to the little shop on the corner by the music pouring out of its doors, and I walked out changed that day.. forever.

This time was different, and I had no one but myself to close the door, and what I chose to do was run straight through it to the other side.  Within 2 years I was told by many that I danced as if I'd done it my entire life, and people began asking me to teach them.  I taught, and I performed, and my life FINALLY felt exactly right.

After a few years, however, I began to feel progressively weak, tired, and unable to even continue going to the gym.. something I'd done since age 20.  While I'd found ways to work out and exercise prior to that age, the gym experience didn't happen until 20.

My last day of dance practice, when I knew it was over for me happened while living in Jacksonville, FL.  My once 3 hour long and effortless dance practices dwindled to about 20 minutes, and I collapsed on the floor in tears knowing that it would be my last.  I felt it with all I was and saw the signs of it coming for about a year.

My gym membership was canceled, as the strong, vibrant body I once possessed was failing me.  Over a couple of weeks I could lift less and less until I couldn't lift at all.  The easy 30 minutes on the Stairmaster halted altogether.  I hired a personal trainer who, after a few weeks, said I really needed to see a doctor.  Without health insurance, that really wasn't possible.

My trips to the gym ended with me leaving exhausted, pale, and with dark circles under my eyes.  I would get home and sleep for 3 hours straight without waking.  Recovery from exercise became impossible.

We moved again, and I began to not recognize myself anymore, moving for the person I was with at the time, as his job required traveling.  I lived my life through his while trying to find my way.  At this point I returned to writing, something I'd done since early childhood and also was very good at.  I created a couple of web sites, discovered graphic art, web design, and created spaces on the web where my artistic needs could at least somewhat be met.

I won't go into the writing at this point, because this entry has already begun looking like War and Peace.  But it was something I'd always HAD to do, be it poetry or short stories, then later.. beginning novels.  This was somewhat taken away from me when my handwritten manuscripts (I didn't have a computer at first) were 'sold off' by a storage facility where our belongings were stored.  The guy I was with at the time failed to make the payments and didn't tell me.  Years of writing, and SO much more, were bought by strangers.  All my writing was gone along with years of memories in photos, art my kids made for me as they were growing up, and... my life changed yet again.

The chronic fatigue I'd found myself in had begun taking the creative edge off my writing, and about 7 years ago I'd written the last sentence in an uncompleted book.  I've yet to get my muse to return.

The artist within refused to give up and rediscovered something I'd reached for in high school---photography.  I was able to take a class, but my mother said "No" to buying me a used camera and, instead, left me to use the disposable ones.  While my classmates shared information about their impressive 35mm cameras, I simply hung back and clung to the camera whose only capability was left in the parameters set by the manufacturer.  But I kept trying, always finding things to shoot.  Getting close to my subject was impossible, and I had no control over settings.  Frustrated, I did not take another semester.

Fast-forward to now:

A few years ago I finally obtained a REAL camera.  I don't think I ever left the house without it, and I found myself loving the shoots I did at the local cemeteries.  Getting film developed was costly at the rate I was shooting, so I ended up with a used digital camera that eventually gave out as well.  That camera finally gave out and I obtained a cheap digital from Best Buy.  It lasted a couple of years.  I then bought a decent digital from eBay and... well, ended up having to sell that to my BF at the time so I could pay my rent.  Oh trust me, I've left off major life events in this story.  But in the end I was left without a camera.

I'd also discovered OOAK doll repainting, of which I had to give up when moving to Montgomery due to the health issues.  But I have all my supplies, and a brand new camera waiting for me to recover from whatever has been kicking my backside.

So much information, isn't it?  I know.  It is.  And what has all this to do with having your value determined by a narcissist?  That one is actually easy to explain.  You see, when the patterns begin in childhood, when your determination is strong in the beginning and hammered away with over time your sense of self, that balance in your life changes significantly, and many times, though not always, people end up gravitating to those who are most like that which defined us from very early on.  In other words, we gravitate towards those we're most used to.  It's our comfort zone, though it's never actually comfortable.

Over and over again in my life I ended up with people who would ultimately treat me the way my mother did.  Sounds a bit cliche, doesn't it?  Well, maybe it is in some ways, but I think that's mostly due to how many people actually end up in this situation.

PART 2 will address where this ties into narcissists and their need to define your value as a human being.

The Lion is Most Handsome When Looking for Food : Narcissistic Supply and Love-Bombing, the beginning of the end

"Your amazing.  You have such talent.  You're so sexy, so beautiful.  You're a great lover.  You're loving, kind, gentle..."  Narcissists are masters of the illusions of charm, kindness.

Love-Bombing is where the narcissist lays the foundation for you to fall in love with him/her.  But beware---it's a carefully constructed trap in which you will ultimately fall into if you're not very careful.  The narcissist in your life knows where the gaps are in who you are, all the wounds of past and present that leave you vulnerable to them.  They know where they are and what they are, and they WILL use it against you.

We don't fall in love with people who are outwardly hateful, meaning, dehumanizing, or cruel.  If we're empathic, sensitive, we're at risk of making excuses for people who are absolutely all those things.  It's in our very nature to love unconditionally, to forgive fully, to want to nurture and care for someone we love when they're wounded.  But narcissists have an M.O., and one that is about as covert as it gets... in the beginning.  As time passes and the mask begins to slip we see them for who they really are who've they've been since the very beginning.  We miss those tell-tale signs that would have saved us profound grief--if only we had seen them.

Love-Bombing is a term that's used to describe the outpouring of so-called love from the narcissist towards his/her victim in order to draw in, acquire, and emotionally anchor their victim to themselves.  They look and sound like a hero, the person who will love you like no other, and they may even tell you so.  The shower you with love and attention, call you often, send text messages that are sheer poetry.  This is NOT to be confused with "Normal" courting in a relationship, which has a modicum of constraint and ease of pace as the relationship matures and grows.  Love-Bombing is, in fact, like a fast-track with ONE single goal; To get the narcissist to his/her "supply" as quickly as possible.

As for my experience, I was enamored very early on as I found myself in awe of this seemingly kind person who was funny, caring, attentive, charming, and liked by so many.  I mean, how can a person be terrible if they have so many friends?  Wouldn't those people simply exit stage-left if they were subjected to mean, cruel, and hateful behavior?  Well, not so much with a narcissist, because you have to look at how deep and meaningful those relationships are.  When you do look closer at this person's 'harem' of friends, ex's, admirers, you find that the relationships aren't close at all but very superficial.  They don't 'hang out' with these people, don't have any deep, close or meaningful interactions with them, and they may only be 'friends' found through social media.

In the beginning there were kind words, attentiveness, outward gestures of what appeared to be love, kindness, and even respect.  I fell for this time and time again, and probably because of my own wounds from childhood where emotional abandonment, stonewalling, and the use of guilt and shame as punishment from my mother (my dad wasn't around my entire life).  I don't accept blame for what my narcissist did to me, but I do accept having responsibility in it continuing.

The Love-Bombing phase actually didn't last that long for me, and as I look back at the beginning I see that it really began to fade after about 8 weeks.  I was so sucked in by then that I could no longer see anything clearly.   This is one reason why relationships should progress slowly, allowed to mature and grow at a gradual pace.  You can't cram a lifetime into a few weeks, meaning... you can't get to know each other fully in that amount of time.

As the Love-Bombing subsided I found myself being the 'chosen' one to carry the relationship.  During the few short years I was with my narcissist the burden of carrying the entire relationship fell solely on my shoulders, no matter what... I was responsible for everything that DID and DID NOT happen.  It was taxing to both my emotional and physical health, which began to disintegrate long before the relationship did.

Before long, holidays, birthdays, special events, etc. were not something my narcissist wanted to share with me...and of course, true to his narcissistic nature---it was all my fault.  In fact, from the very first holiday we spent together...he made certain to turn the event into a complete nightmare filled with cruelty, hurt, and blame.  And this should really have been a huge red flag for me.  Instead, true to MY nature of being empathic and sensitive, my first knee-jerk reaction was to wonder what "I" had done wrong and what "I" could do to make it better, to fix things.  THIS was the first "feeding" for the narcissist I'd let into my life, and it wouldn't be the last.  He had found a willing victim and was the only one of the two of us who was aware of that fact.

I would come to know my role in things later one, once the relationship ties were severed completely.

This first crucial step (Love-Bombing) appears benign, uplifting, and wonderful on so many levels.  In a normal, well-adjusted relationship these overtures are great and hold real meaning.  But they're also paced, unhurried, and timely... and never are those efforts used against you.  When Love-Bombing happens, the narcissist in your life will keep a running tally of all the 'good things' they've done for you, and keeping score has only one purpose---to use them against you later when you begin to question their obviously abnormal behaviors.

Gas Lighting, which I will discuss in another entry, happens when you begin to become aware of your narcissist's abnormal and abusive behaviors.  He/she will begin one of the most covert attacks on your self-esteem, and your MIND, when you begin to call them out on what they're doing, when you dare  to share your feelings with them about how hurtful their words and behavior are.  Gas Lighting is when the narcissists begins to tell you you're "crazy," when they do things deliberately to confuse you, when they set out to literally make you second guess EVERYTHING.  Few recognize this for what it is when it first begins to happen, and most only discover what's happening in the 'Discard' phase, when the narcissist has emptied you and is now looking for another 'supply.'

There really isn't an easy or quick way to explain the above, and there is still so much I haven't said.  Over time I will reveal more in hopes of helping even ONE person recognize what they're dealing with so they can get the hell out of their toxic relationship before it does too much damage.

I've begun with the beginning, but I will be revisiting Love-Bombing, Gas Lighting, etc. as I go.

In the meantime, if you're dealing with a narcissist, beware of circular logic, as many times this is all he/she is armed with.  The truly damaging ammunition a narcissist has against you are the gaps in your self, in who you are, and these gaps (as mentioned before) are the wounds of your past and their effects.  This is really the only way a narcissist gets in and takes control.  Know your wounds and heal them, and if you're with a narcissist now get help, find a therapist who can help you identify what's making you vulnerable and assist you in completely severing ties with that person in your life.

More to come...