Gas lighting

NOTE:  I will occasionally state a reminder that when I'm referring to narcissists I will usually use the words "he" or "him" etc., because that's my experience.  Unless I'm referring to my mom, of course.  But do know that I know and understand that narcissists can be either male or female.  My stating things in terms of 'he' is only speaking to my own personal experience.

Funny thing about the parallels of abuse in life.  Right now we have a tightly-wound political climate in which history, though a dark version of itself, is being made by the worst president to have ever held office in US history.

What is Gaslighting?  Well, first of all, let me say first the term comes from an old b/w movie starring Charles Boyer and Ingrid Bergman... where she ( was being systematically driven crazy, or made to think she was, by her controlling conman of a husband.  Oh, but it goes far deeper than that, really.  Far deeper.  It's an insidious tool used by all masters of emotional/verbal abuse.

Gaslighting or gas-lighting is a form of mental abuse in which information is twisted or spun, selectively omitted to favor the abuser, or false information is presented with the intent of making victims doubt their own memory, perception, and sanity.

OMG, but have I experienced this first-hand, and it's THE worst form of emotional abuse someone could endure.  How did I know this tactic was being used on me?  Because I had to seek counseling to recover from a relationship in which gaslighting was routinely used on me.  I had no idea, until it was shown to me by a therapist who immediately recognized what I was describing.  Thank God for her!

All the pieces fit.  I saw everything fall neatly into place as my therapist explained to me what gaslighting is, what it does, and how damaging it is for the receiver.  I was stunned as she spoke, a little numb as I read the handouts she gave me to look over, and more recently... shaken a little as I watched the movie ("Gaslight") where the term actually came from.  OMG, I thought, I'm watching so much right there on the screen.. so much that I actually went through.

But it's really more than that, folks.  You have to be aware of gaslighting and knowing where you are in the narcissistic supply food chain.  Once you recognize you're with a narcissist, you can get to the task of knowing where you stand so you can find your way out.  Remember, you've been conditioned to believe that the narcissist is the only person who will want or have you, that they're a true gift from God himself, and that you are damned lucky to have them.  Don't you believe it!

So many red flags, so little time.  But if you remember that you're solely in that person's life for THEIR benefit, then you will be able to spot the red flags and they reveal themselves.

You're not important to them except as a source of supply.  Your needs don't matter, and anything they do for you isn't for YOU but for their ego.  It's a lot like the farmer feeding the calf to fatten it before slaughter.  Once you're consumed, your emotional remains are no longer necessary, needed, or wanted.  Time for a new calf to fatten.

Over time the joys you find in life become a burden to your narcissist.  Why?  Because it's about YOU.  And trust me, it can NEVER be about YOU.  There is only one center of his universe.... and trust me, babe, it's NOT YOU.  And it never ever will be.

Some of the rules you'll have to follow include being available 24/7 in case your narcissist needs you.  It won't matter if your tired, working, hungry, taking a shower, sleeping, eating, talking to friends or family, or just spending some time for yourself by watching tv.  You BETTER be available or pay the price.  There is ALWAYS a price.

I can't tell you how many times I lost sleep, stayed up until 2am or was woken at 2am when I had to be up at 5am or 6am... just so I wouldn't be stonewalled and ignored for days or weeks by my narcissist who didn't respect me OR my time.  I skipped meals, taking a shower at another time, because the narcissist claimed I was being 'selfish' for doing those things instead of talking to him on the phone.  He also didn't allow me to do anything WHILE talking on the phone, so necessary tasks that needed done either had to be put off so I could sit stock-still in one location so he didn't hear any other sound coming through the phone.. to alert him that I was doing anything more than listening to him.  He claimed that if I were doing anything else while on the phone with him I was being disrespectful and not giving him my full, undivided attention.  Thing is... I would hear CRASH, BOOM, BANG, and the cacophony of explosive sounds of paper rattling as he went through all the things he does while on speakerphone with me.  Double-standard... another narcissist classic maneuver.

Not sleeping, eating, having constant anxiety filling your gut, body full of adrenalin... all these things can kill you.  All of these things WILL wreck your health, and they did wreck mine.

You know you're dealing with a narcissist when your health stops mattering, when you lose sleep and they don't care, when being at their beck and call 24/7 means your life isn't your life any longer. When all of your free, waking time and then some is manipulated and filled to the brim with unrealistic demands, constant criticism, massive episodes of gaslighting.... beware, because you're going to withdraw out of necessity for your health and life and your narcissist, if he hasn't already begun doing so, will be looking for his next source of supply.

More to come...

Praise Me

It's the sustenance of all narcissists, and without it they will ruin your world.

Giving praise to my narcissist was easy in the beginning because I saw this funny, handsome, romantic guy who said and did all the right things.  I mean, this is how we end up falling in love, isn't it?  We see their personality traits and love what we see and hear, and over time it endears them to us.  I mean, how can it not?  And I'm not talking about what that person says about who WE are, but rather those things that show us who THEY ARE.  HUGE difference.

Anyone who's been with a narcissist knows that they project this image to the outside world, and to US at first, as exceedingly charming, funny, lovely people!  We discover later on, when forced to learn about narcissists, that this is absolutely necessary for their survival, that they NEED that supply of praise and adulation, even worship.  But we also know that when the mask begins to slip we get glimpse of the other thing lurking beneath, the very thing that will end up devouring our lives, our spirits, our health and vitality, our sense of self-worth.

I still have some fond thoughts about my ex, but in keeping them within proper perspective I know those fond feelings are misplaced, misguided, that they're feelings for an IDEAL.  In many ways this discovery left me to withholding real praise for the person I'm with.  I have to actively participate in my own inner-functions, that is to say I have to be extremely mindful that I'm not purposely holding back for fear of things turning out the same as they did with my narcissist.

Oh, I do know better.  But my current relationship isn't without it's issues, some of them serious.  Be that as it may, I'm in perpetual self-preservation mode.  Not surprising what I've gone through.

My finally speaking openly about my experience with a narcissist has helped me tremendously in more ways than I thought possible.  But I've a very long way to go, and I'm not sure I'm willing to let go of those protective inner resources I've obtained along the way.  I'm sure I still need to talk to a therapist to finish dealing with the experience, and in time I will.

You see, in all honesty, I know I won't ever be the same person again.  Not exactly.  I can repair what's broken, but I can't replace what's gone.  And who knows, maybe what I 'think' is 'gone' is actually just tucked away in a safe place inside, waiting for healing.  I can certainly be on board with such a possibility, because it's far better than having to mourn something totally lost.

Praise.  It's not something I received much of in my life, especially growing up, but it was also something I never really needed.  For me, praise wasn't what I needed, but APPROVAL.  I'm completely aware of this, and I'm somewhat okay with that.  And I'm comfortable with GIVING praise to others.  It actually comes easily for me.  But what of the 'demanded praise' required by a narcissist?

Narcissistic Supply; what an absolutely ugly term to use on oneself.  Yet, I had to.  HAVE to.  If I'm not completely honest with myself about this, I'm lost.  So here I am, realizing that for the person I fell head over heals in love with... I was nothing more than that supply to feed his ego, his bottomless need.

When the emotional abuse became too much, praise for him became exceedingly difficult, then eventually... impossible; We all have our breaking points.  When my usefulness had run out, he began to demand praise--to be right, the authority on all I was and should be, or could never be, the walking encyclopedia of absolutely everything, the expert on my life.  Anything other than acceptance and agreement of all his criticisms of me was met with hatefulness, withdrawal of love, stonewalling, more criticism, usually ending in gas lighting to throw me off balance.  This cycle was never-ending after a time, and it hollowed out the vibrant parts of me with all its energy-sapping and relentless battering.

"You're right" had eventually revealed itself as the bitter lie it was.
"You're amazing" became a weapon he ultimately used against me.
"I love you" became yet another weapon to use against me, and he did it often.
"I miss you" was met with an ugly retort that somehow missing him meant I was "Selfish."
"You're so smart" became one of his favorite reasons to belittle me, with constant 'reminders' of how he was so much smarter.

He required praise, but it was usually tucked away in his arsenal to be used against me whenever the mood struck him---and it often did in just about every situation.

I didn't have to defend myself; but I didn't know this then.  And when I discovered my error in having defended myself for too many years to this person, it was almost too late.  So much damage done.  So damn much damage done.

I guess today is just a day when I'm finding I need to deal with this a bit more, to purge, to get it off my chest.

Now, some of you have asked WHO it is I'm talking about, which of my ex's... well, I'm not saying.  It's not about pointing fingers, but about sharing what I've gone and am going through as a result in hopes it helps someone else.

Now, on to eat some lunch....

Spilling Over

I guess I should remind some of you who may not know, that if something is bothering me particularly.. I will most likely post it in all of my blogs.  The spillover from one to the next is just something that's going to happen.  Most of the time I aim to separate what I'm talking about between each one so that the meaning isn't really lost in context.  Make sense?

My blogs overlap, though they're meant to be focused in one aspect of my life or another...

Boo's Juicy Bits:  The main aim here is health, diet, eating, all the things that support and give us a foundation for a good (or bad) life.  There's so much to this part of health, so there will be at times an overlap as to what's going on the pages.  If life is getting in the way, or helping me on my way, the details will most likely end up there as well.  And don't be surprised if you find sexually-focused chatter on there as well.   The information is all connected in one form or fashion anyway.

Where Fireflies Dream:  Created as a place for whimsical thought and ideas to play, an expression of who I am, how I dream, what I want, and the things that can or do hold me back from my greatest expression of self within my life as it is at any given point.  Again, be aware that at times topics of a sexual nature will most likely appear in posts.  Don't say I didn't warn you. ;)

This Free Spirit:  The newest blog and one I feel is necessary, even critical for me.  It's a place to talk about abuse.  Been there, done that, and still haven't gotten 100% past the damage, to say the least.  My goal with this is sharing in hopes it will help others, but also to have a place to talk/deal with the lasting effects of my experiences.  This one will often have chatter of a sexual nature as well.

All Things Ephemeral:  Originally, this one was created to let it all hang out, a no holds barred kind of place to talk about EVERYTHING in great, bloody detail.  The nature of doing this means that, in the past, I would often delete posts after a day or two, a week, a month, whatever... because it was a bit much to leave just sitting there for the whole world to see.  However, this is changing.

I will be taking that no holds barred approach with posting there soon, as it's one of the greatest barriers I need to cross in order to heal.  Like Pavlov's Dogs I learned through experience that expressing myself openly meant I would pay a price, a high one at that.  But since this is no longer the case I plan on resuming, for personal growth and healing, my once bold approach to using this blog exactly as I intended---a place for me to be free to express myself in any way I see fit!

Onward...!

The Lion is Most Handsome When Looking for Food : Narcissistic Supply and Love-Bombing, the beginning of the end

"Your amazing.  You have such talent.  You're so sexy, so beautiful.  You're a great lover.  You're loving, kind, gentle..."  Narcissists are masters of the illusions of charm, kindness.

Love-Bombing is where the narcissist lays the foundation for you to fall in love with him/her.  But beware---it's a carefully constructed trap in which you will ultimately fall into if you're not very careful.  The narcissist in your life knows where the gaps are in who you are, all the wounds of past and present that leave you vulnerable to them.  They know where they are and what they are, and they WILL use it against you.

We don't fall in love with people who are outwardly hateful, meaning, dehumanizing, or cruel.  If we're empathic, sensitive, we're at risk of making excuses for people who are absolutely all those things.  It's in our very nature to love unconditionally, to forgive fully, to want to nurture and care for someone we love when they're wounded.  But narcissists have an M.O., and one that is about as covert as it gets... in the beginning.  As time passes and the mask begins to slip we see them for who they really are who've they've been since the very beginning.  We miss those tell-tale signs that would have saved us profound grief--if only we had seen them.

Love-Bombing is a term that's used to describe the outpouring of so-called love from the narcissist towards his/her victim in order to draw in, acquire, and emotionally anchor their victim to themselves.  They look and sound like a hero, the person who will love you like no other, and they may even tell you so.  The shower you with love and attention, call you often, send text messages that are sheer poetry.  This is NOT to be confused with "Normal" courting in a relationship, which has a modicum of constraint and ease of pace as the relationship matures and grows.  Love-Bombing is, in fact, like a fast-track with ONE single goal; To get the narcissist to his/her "supply" as quickly as possible.

As for my experience, I was enamored very early on as I found myself in awe of this seemingly kind person who was funny, caring, attentive, charming, and liked by so many.  I mean, how can a person be terrible if they have so many friends?  Wouldn't those people simply exit stage-left if they were subjected to mean, cruel, and hateful behavior?  Well, not so much with a narcissist, because you have to look at how deep and meaningful those relationships are.  When you do look closer at this person's 'harem' of friends, ex's, admirers, you find that the relationships aren't close at all but very superficial.  They don't 'hang out' with these people, don't have any deep, close or meaningful interactions with them, and they may only be 'friends' found through social media.

In the beginning there were kind words, attentiveness, outward gestures of what appeared to be love, kindness, and even respect.  I fell for this time and time again, and probably because of my own wounds from childhood where emotional abandonment, stonewalling, and the use of guilt and shame as punishment from my mother (my dad wasn't around my entire life).  I don't accept blame for what my narcissist did to me, but I do accept having responsibility in it continuing.

The Love-Bombing phase actually didn't last that long for me, and as I look back at the beginning I see that it really began to fade after about 8 weeks.  I was so sucked in by then that I could no longer see anything clearly.   This is one reason why relationships should progress slowly, allowed to mature and grow at a gradual pace.  You can't cram a lifetime into a few weeks, meaning... you can't get to know each other fully in that amount of time.

As the Love-Bombing subsided I found myself being the 'chosen' one to carry the relationship.  During the few short years I was with my narcissist the burden of carrying the entire relationship fell solely on my shoulders, no matter what... I was responsible for everything that DID and DID NOT happen.  It was taxing to both my emotional and physical health, which began to disintegrate long before the relationship did.

Before long, holidays, birthdays, special events, etc. were not something my narcissist wanted to share with me...and of course, true to his narcissistic nature---it was all my fault.  In fact, from the very first holiday we spent together...he made certain to turn the event into a complete nightmare filled with cruelty, hurt, and blame.  And this should really have been a huge red flag for me.  Instead, true to MY nature of being empathic and sensitive, my first knee-jerk reaction was to wonder what "I" had done wrong and what "I" could do to make it better, to fix things.  THIS was the first "feeding" for the narcissist I'd let into my life, and it wouldn't be the last.  He had found a willing victim and was the only one of the two of us who was aware of that fact.

I would come to know my role in things later one, once the relationship ties were severed completely.

This first crucial step (Love-Bombing) appears benign, uplifting, and wonderful on so many levels.  In a normal, well-adjusted relationship these overtures are great and hold real meaning.  But they're also paced, unhurried, and timely... and never are those efforts used against you.  When Love-Bombing happens, the narcissist in your life will keep a running tally of all the 'good things' they've done for you, and keeping score has only one purpose---to use them against you later when you begin to question their obviously abnormal behaviors.

Gas Lighting, which I will discuss in another entry, happens when you begin to become aware of your narcissist's abnormal and abusive behaviors.  He/she will begin one of the most covert attacks on your self-esteem, and your MIND, when you begin to call them out on what they're doing, when you dare  to share your feelings with them about how hurtful their words and behavior are.  Gas Lighting is when the narcissists begins to tell you you're "crazy," when they do things deliberately to confuse you, when they set out to literally make you second guess EVERYTHING.  Few recognize this for what it is when it first begins to happen, and most only discover what's happening in the 'Discard' phase, when the narcissist has emptied you and is now looking for another 'supply.'

There really isn't an easy or quick way to explain the above, and there is still so much I haven't said.  Over time I will reveal more in hopes of helping even ONE person recognize what they're dealing with so they can get the hell out of their toxic relationship before it does too much damage.

I've begun with the beginning, but I will be revisiting Love-Bombing, Gas Lighting, etc. as I go.

In the meantime, if you're dealing with a narcissist, beware of circular logic, as many times this is all he/she is armed with.  The truly damaging ammunition a narcissist has against you are the gaps in your self, in who you are, and these gaps (as mentioned before) are the wounds of your past and their effects.  This is really the only way a narcissist gets in and takes control.  Know your wounds and heal them, and if you're with a narcissist now get help, find a therapist who can help you identify what's making you vulnerable and assist you in completely severing ties with that person in your life.

More to come...