September 01, 2016: Rant, confusion, whatever...

Life.  Amiright?

Audio Blog Continues...

Healing being what it is, and a slow process at that, rants, raves and sometimes utter confusion will find itself with a voice.  C'est la vie.  No real title for this.... it's just been that kind of week or so.

Pushing ahead....

Still going through shoulder recover, and will be for some time.  I've made another video so I can continue to keep up here.  Thanks for visiting...

:)

Risk for Redemption.

I played a bit with the idea of composing an audio/vid for myself, just something to remind me that there was, in fact, a time when I felt like a normal human being, when pain was minimal and sometimes absent, when I could behave normally, when restrictions of body (and now spirit and emotion) hadn't taken hold.  I know I used to feel better and actually participate in L I F E.  But for the life of me, my mind edits at will and separates the now from the then, the me I became and the me I once was.  So to keep it all in perspective... I made an audio movie with pics ranging from 8 months ago to 4 years ago, before this big crash in everything that is 'my life' and 'me.'

I was hesitant to upload it here (still am), but a friend of mine said "Do it.  Put it ALL out there, and to hell with what anyone thinks!"  It feels odd to see my own face all over this video, but... it's mostly for me anyway, something I can look at and recall that L I F E was there in me, and maybe.. just maybe... I will start believing again.  enough of the typing... arm aches horribly.

The compilation set as a reminder of where I once was in my L I F E and H E A L T H, remembering a healthier, happier me... taking a risk for redemption of myself, an apology to tell the woman I've become.... 'I'm so sorry I let you down."

Experiment #1...

Hi everyone.  Until my shoulder heals enough so that typing isn't painful, I'll be making audio entries in my blogs.  I can only handle so much typing, so this means audio will be a much better choice for now.  Thanks for your patience....

What If.....

What if I said I wanted to pour my heart and soul out to you?  What if I could, even for a very short time, find such trust that nothing, absolutely nothing would be off limits in what I could share?  What if I didn't hold back, didn't keep my entire heart's secrets walled off from the rest of me, and expose every one in such detail that it took your breath away?  What if... I told you a secret you'd never forget, no matter how hard you tried?

What if you could be surprised at the stories I hold inside?

What if I told you that I've never trusted a soul 100% in my life but that I'm willing to now?

What would you ask me if you could ask me anything?

What if I told you that you'd be surprised at who I'm talking to, and would you want it to be you?

Post-Surgery Blues, and the Inevitable Pain of Indifference.

This is difficult.  Post-surgery for frozen shoulder and minor rotator cuff tear and I'm feeling like hell.    It will take a long time to recover and regain full use of my left arm, and dammit but it hurts to type.  I almost decided to do an audio blog but not enough privacy the last couple of days to do that.  So I'll make this just a quick check-in.

I'm not sleeping, mostly getting up several times a night to move my arm, elbow... to alleviate what pain I can.  This is often a tearful process.  I don't know when the big crash will come, but it will.  A human being simply can't withstand not sleeping like this.  On Wednesday, then on Saturday... things will change and hopefully for the better.

Sleeping on my side after this kind of surgery isn't the best idea, and it creates a world of pain, swelling to an unhealthy level in my arm.  This became the catalyst for ordering one of those Tempur Pedic beds.  NOT the cheapest thing in the world, but a very necessary one at this point as the healing process is going to take a long time.  So be it.  It's adjustable so I can support the back of my legs and have the back of the bed upright to manage sleeping without being on my side.  Saturday, a Laz-boy chair will arrive, and mostly for the same purpose.  As it stands now my options are to sit straight/upright or lay in a flat bed.  Both options mean pain and swelling.  But hey, those recliners are awesome and it's not like it won't be fully enjoyed way beyond the shoulder healing.

I suppose at this point I'm just rambling, but everything I am is consumed with the pain and trying to work past it without taking the powerful pain killers I was given.  The side effects sucks, and that means I'm making damn sure to take them sparingly.  But either way, my point is basically that I'll be dealing with this for a while and probably not making a lot of sense when I post.

There most likely won't be daily entries for a while, but I will try my best.

Post-surgery with all it's unbelievable pain has opened up a part of me that I really would rather leave closed, shut away, and ignored.  That echo chamber of the past and present merging in unsettling ways rumbles below the surface, always, making itself known at the darkest of hours and experiences.  I find myself unsettled---not just my circumstances or thoughts.  In the wee hours, especially when awakened by the almost ceaseless pain, true anxiety sets in and grips me.  Most of the time I can overcome it and get past it's frightening messages.  But then there are times when it takes hold and I find myself incredibly vulnerable and needing a strong, positive presence to jerk me back into a brighter reality.  Things is... I have no such strong, positive presence.  Yeah.
What to do with that.

As you guys know, indifference has been my companion.  T's indifference rears it's true self amidst the pain that really feels as if it's going to rip me apart.  You see, the first part of knowing how to squash pain naturally is to avoid stress at all costs, because stress destroy's the body's own ability to send much-needed pain killers to it's needed location.  Over time, especially in the presence of AI disease and fibromyalgia.... the breakdown of this mechanism is swift and brutal, leaving me without any natural defenses.  This sucks.

I've been brought to tears by the sheer intensity and duration of this pain, and the fibro is in a massive flare-up now, adding wide-spread, diffuse pain to that of the post-surgical.  While it's nothing to brag about, I will admit that I've been brought to my knees by the force of it all, crying so hard I felt as if my head would explode.  Late at night, when it's at its worst T will simply get up, stand there... and say nothing, do nothing, offer nothing.  I've had to tell him it's best he stay away rather than bring that indifference to the already miserable situation.

It is times like this that I long for "home," whatever and wherever that is.  No one to reach out to, to plead to, or talk to.  Not a parent, sibling, or best friend.  No one.  It's only when either by exhaustion or prescription intervention does the pain lessen a little, just enough for my mind to bring forth an image of a healthy, happy, joyful, fulfilled and pain-free me.  When I fall asleep... it sometimes carries me into dreaming, those thoughts.

My arm is in a lot of pain at the moment, so I'm going to sign off.  I hope that each day with willpower and physical therapy.. and even the weaker moments when I allow myself the prescription help to relieve the pain... maybe I'll get stronger, better.  I have 3 days of PT this coming week... and I pray it's the start to real recovery.

I need this pain to stop.  I really do.

Hopefully I can post tomorrow.

PS... I was amazed at how many page views Where Fireflies Dream received.... gave me a smile.

A Competition of Priorities Part I

No relationship is perfect.  No one single person is perfect.  Both statements are true, and both are also somewhat redundant.  I believe most are intelligent enough to understand the 'given' in this.  Still, I wanted to make it perfectly clear that I'm not one of those individuals who looks for or even strives for perfection as I truly believe that endeavor never ends well for anyone.  Having said that, I do believe that anyone, everyone, can try to be the best they can be.  Honestly, I think we'd have a much better world if people just decided to do and be their best.

In an even imperfect world our only saving grace in most situations, especially the difficult ones, is having our priorities straight.  This doesn't mean my priorities will be exactly like yours, and they may actually be quite different.  And it's not to say if our priorities differ that one of us is right, and the other is wrong.  So what does it mean when someone says "Get your priorities straight"?  Well, for starters, you have to know where your priorities are before you can ever think of making any necessary changes or shifts.

My current relationship is a competition of priorities.  I've been here before in the not-so-distant past, and I recognize what it is I'm dealing with.  I also know all to well that I can't force anyone to change their own priorities.  Even so, there are consequences, both good and bad and on both sides of the situation (relationship) to that hierarchy of priorities.  For example, if you put your love of playing video games above your significant other you'll find, and usually quite quickly, that it has an impact on that other person, and by default.. on you.

There are two outcomes in the above situation.  Firstly, if your significant other has YOU as a priority, there'll be conflict.  While you make your case for your 'game time,' the other person will make their case for 'couple time.'  The other scenario isn't so pleasant, and in that other scenario your significant other may just find enough time on there hands, feeling less important than your game playing.... and open themselves to the availability of someone else.  This, unfortunately, isn't often something they actively do but is more a natural reaction to the situation.  There's just not enough time to explain the psychology in this.

Let's bring this to a more personal place.

I'm one for putting important things first.  Kind of a no-brainer, right?  Well, again, depending on where the person is with their priorities.. what one might see as important may be something they're totally indifferent to.  THIS is where the magic, or the nightmare begins.

My environment is extremely important to me.  My current heath problems mean I'm house-bound most of the time, and this means my immediate surroundings have basically become my entire world.  Here is where my peace, my serenity, my joy, happiness, and motivation is born, and where they also die.  And right now my environment is working against my health, both emotional and physical.

I don't care if it's a girl thing or just an 'Ella' thing, but it really doesn't matter what label it falls under, because this is part of who I am.  Beauty in my world is necessary.  I like a clean house, one that smells good and is comfortable.  Mess, chaos, clutter, and filthy surroundings do NOT sit well with me at all and isn't conducive to comfort or peace.  Under normal circumstances I would be happily cleaning house and making my 'world' a happy and peaceful place.. at least in that sense.  But it's a battle these days as I live with someone who could care less about any of that.  And worse, he's a master of procrastination.

I don't procrastinate and prefer to get things done in a timely manner.  I don't let things go until they're out of control or till the situation deteriorates so badly that I have to pay someone to take care of it for me.  Prevention is still cheaper than a cure.  It's cheaper to mow the lawn and take care of plants and landscaping on a regular basis then it is to allow things to become so out of control you have to hire a landscaper.  It takes a LOT less time to clean a bathroom once a week then it is to let it go for weeks on end... and have to spend a couple of hours trying to scrub away what would've been easily removed weeks before.  It's more cost effective to get a professional roofer to fix a leak right away then it is put it off till it becomes more than a roof repair.

Procrastination is the antithesis of "responsible behavior."

When men are more like boys than men they will let even important things go for weeks, or months, or even years.  For someone like me, this is a nightmare of epic proportion.  I'm not comfortable in filth, clutter, or chaos and decay.  I appreciate the things I have and take care of them.  To be in the same household with someone who's priorities places importance on things that take away from the important things... is literally a nightmare.

This competition of priorities is creating chaos at every turn, except for T... who is all about procrastination and haphazardly barreling through life without any direction or goal in mind.  When human beings in your life are at the bottom of the totem pole beneath meaningless and often mindless activities or inactivity, there's something very very wrong.

Priorities should mean doing the right thing first, whatever that is.  The right thing; what does that even mean?  I guess that's also a subjective choice.  But subjective or not, a human being should always be at the top of the priority list, be it the health, happiness, comfort and well-being of that individual, or their stated or obvious needs.  At what point do you wake up and realize that maybe, the thing you push down to the bottom the list is negatively impacting the other person in your life?

And you can't just tell that person to "Let it go."  When it's a priority, even a necessity, you don't just tell that person to let it go, to 'deal with it,' or go on a rant about why that person should change to meet your needs.  I'm sorry, but not in any universe will that ever work.

Now let's bring this local....

If your staring at a television is more important than helping me get something done that NEEDS doing around the house, your priorities are screwed up.  If my having ONE useful arm at the moment means I can't do x, y, or z... and you choose watching tv or playing on Facebook over helping with those things... you're extremely screwed up and your priorities stink, plain and simple.

I can't help where my health is right now.  I can't change the fact that I have an extremely painful shoulder/arm due to a torn rotator cuff that needs surgery to repair.  I can't help it that I need T's help, nor can I help that it's like pulling teeth to get that help.  All the pleading and begging and explaining in the world doesn't right what's wrong with his priorities.  He's the ultimate "Can't" man, and can't won't get things done.

Now, I do know the difference between literally being unable to do something and choosing to say you 'can't' as a way to get out of doing that something.  If you literally can't, you can't.  I can't buy a yacht, but that doesn't mean I'm making excuses not to.  I can't fish on my front lawn, either.  I also can't be 20 years old again.  So I know the HUGE difference between 'can't' as a fact, and 'can't' as an excuse.  And T... uses 'can't' as an excuse.

Procrastination on this level isn't sexy or attractive.  My knowing and seeing all too well how far down on the priority list I am does absolutely nothing to endear him to me.  Love isn't something you say but something you DO.  Saying it IS very important, but what you do is more important.  And if that person demands the unreasonable from you to 'prove' love, then that person's behavior/deeds aren't fueled by love but by selfishness.  What I'm asking of T isn't unreasonable and is what most people do without being prodded anyway.

Clean up after yourself.  Don't neglect the yard, the house, those things that men normally take care of because it's... the right thing to do!  Gee, where've we heard that before?  You take care of your house because it's the right thing to do.  It's an investment, so why on earth would you not take care of your investment?

And yet, I'm expected to not ever bring those things up, those things that seriously need attention.  Honestly, I don't ask for ANYTHING other than to do the right thing.  Bring on board some compassion to make the job easier.  But don't procrastinate until things fall apart then complain about the aftermath.  Be a self-starter.  Be pro-active.  What's wrong with that?

There's just too much to put into one blog entry.  The competition of priorities is out of hand, out of control, and T's ridiculous and self-serving stubbornness is destroying peace, tranquility, happiness, or any hope for the future.  And worse, it's destroying my motivation to get well.  I'll explain that at another time, as well as CONTINUOUSLY breaking one's word and it's impact on those on the receiving end.

For now.... I simply keep hanging on, hoping to survive this nightmare.

It's About Time.

When I first began blogging it was for one specific reason--venting.  I needed a place where I could get things off my chest that were bothering me so I could get on with life without cumbersome emotions or baggage.  I had ONE blog at that time.  When things got tough, and they often were, I would visit my blog and unload to my heart's content, not giving a single iota to being politically correct or holding back out of some delusion that I somehow had to be 'polite' here.  The venting would ensue, fall upon the screen, and I would be left to bask in the aftermath of some seriously epic purging of thoughts, feelings, and more.  In the end I would usually go back and delete the long-winded and emotionally-charged entries, knowing I could do so now that some time had past.  That blog still exists and I still post in it as often as possible, and I named it "All Things Ephemeral" for a reason, even if that reason no longer exists.  Let me explain....

A few years ago I made the decision to stop deleting the entries.  Being honest with myself I realized that I was deleting so as not to 'hurt feelings' of those I vented about.  No matter that I left off names and details that would give much away to the wrong set of eyes reading, I decided it was somehow 'impolite' to share even my feelings and experiences.  Boy, was that ever stupid.  I'm glad I came to my senses and stopped editing the content over some perceived butthurt it may cause someone else.  But, did I really stop editing my own entries after all?  Well, today I figured it was something worth investigating.

I often come here and stare at the blank screen where bits of my life would fall and wonder... "How can I actually talk about this?"  I know as I write just how much I'm holding back, even when I don't WANT to.  Still, the struggle to set myself free remains just that--a struggle, even today.  Even when I know the healthiest thing I can do for myself is write about it, get it out of my system, it's remains incredibly difficult just the same.

What I want very much to do right now is to take the first step in 'going there,' to talk openly instead of using a string of allusions to piece together a story that, when all is said and done, remains unclear and ill-explained because of that fear below the surface of truth.

A Bold First Step

My next blog entry will be in This Free Spirit, and I tell you this because it will ultimately be the first blog entry in many years where I hold little if nothing back.  With failing health I need all the help I can get to break the bonds of emotional servitude, and the first step is to open myself completely to the idea of 'almost' full disclosure.

Wish me luck....

Life---Glaringly Apparent

There are a ton of people out there who love to use words in a loose and inappropriate way.  I try not to be one of those people.  Am I perfect?  Hell no.  But I really do try to choose my words carefully.  One word that's been in my mind a lot lately is the word "Selfish."  I've witnessed a lot of selfishness over the past few years, and while seeing that makes me a bit sad about humanity as a whole, I realize that not everyone is--selfish.  But I have to say, after 2 years of living with this man I have to admit that T has a selfish nature.  It's not one of hose hateful, malignant things as it can be with so many.  It's more of a childish and immaturity thing.  Either way, it wreaks havoc on my life in major ways.

Again, I don't use words like "Selfish" loosely.  I know what the word means.  There are people who accuse others of being selfish... because those people aren't giving them what they want and are not giving into demands.  I'm not one of those people.  I wouldn't call someone selfish simply because they don't give me what they want... oh, but I've been on the receiving end of that, I can tell you.  But that person had a LOT of issues, so there's that.

T's selfishness doesn't make him sexy, doesn't make him 'dearer' to me, and I don't at all find it attractive on any level.  Duh, I know.  I guess what I'm saying here is that it turns me off in a huge way.  A lack of empathy and compassion combined with selfishness is not something one can brag about, I assure you.

There are too many instances to discuss here, and I wouldn't even try.  But what happened this morning was like a glass of ice-water in the face, which always leaves me to some serious introspection about where I want my life to be.

I've not slept very well in several nights and last night was the crashing point where my body just finally gave out enough to sleep deeply.  T usually wakes me up before he leaves for work so I can take my morning medicine, and since the diagnosis of borderline diabetes I have to check my blood glucose in the mornings.. before taking any medicine or drinking water.  It's important I check morning glucose, so this is one thing I never skip as it can reveal a possible turning point in which pre-diabetes can shift and become something more serious.

So T wakes me up, and having been in a VERY DEEP sleep it wasn't easy.  I struggled to think, to even speak... I was a little confused and disoriented--not fully awake.  As I lay there trying to get my bearings I could see T standing there with this impatient look on his face, and he was using that tone of voice that tells me he's in full-blown passive-aggressive mode.  He stood there with that posture that said he was in a hurry.  Still too sleepy to get my thoughts straight, I leaned up on one arm attempting to clear my head and wake up fully.

Normally, he will wake me up and put the lancet in the device because, honestly... some days my eyes are SO blurry I can't see well enough to (a blood sugar thing, my doctor says).  It takes a few seconds to put the lancet in the device and take the protective cap off.  Today, however, he just stood there as a few seconds passed, standing and half-leaning against the dresser.  My thoughts, as muddled as they were, came together enough to think... 'Arrogant.'  His stance, posture... looked blatantly arrogant.

I was beginning to wake up more at this point as anxiety and stress began to take hold.  Many mornings are like this as T will often barrel through the house, half bent as he RUSHES around... as if that behavior was going to somehow get him from point A to point B faster.  Well, whatever.  Anyway, as the stress began to take hold, as I could feel the anxiety growing in my stomach... he finally turned towards the little table with my glucose monitoring kit, and started to close it.  He picked up the meds laying there and was going to hand them to me..... I was very confused at this point.  But what he did next.... shocked as well as angered me.

He turned to me and said, "You could just skip this today...."

Huh?  What?

I was fully awake at this moment---and oddly speechless.  I sat there for a moment, angry... still sleepy, yet fully feeling the effects of what he just said to me.  The exchange hadn't lasted even a minute, perhaps 30 seconds at the most.  But the impact of what transpired was forceful, and it woke me up in a big way.

Anger wasn't permitting clear thought, I can tell you.  I was simply stunned into silence, left with my anger and trying desperately to calm down.  What I told him was just to go, to go to work.  I'm 100% certain he could tell I was pissed.

Once the initial anxiety and stress subsided I was left weak and achy and beyond fatigued.  I went back to bed and slept another 2.5 hours.

In the aftermath of this morning were a few other surprises, just idiotic stuff I had to clean in the kitchen.  I swear my children when growing up weren't this messy.  So that wasn't fun as a follow up.

I'm not going to explain to him the importance of monitoring my blood sugar as the doctor instructed.  He was there IN the room when she gave me the diagnosis!  He was in the room when she asked if my mom and oldest sister (who both had diabetes) had any diabetic complications, and when I said YES... he also heard her say that it makes my likelihood of having complications that much higher.  He was there when she said I needed medication to hopefully stop the progression, and he was there when she spoke of how serious it is that things be addressed NOW, that pre-diabetes causes damage and raises the risk of heart attack and stroke significantly.  He was there.

I was told that the goal for my morning blood glucose levels should be UNDER 100.  They've been hovering around 115 but have been as high as 123 and as low as 109.  The low of 109 happened only once.  If I get readings that consistently show elevated to 124 or above... that's a big red flag.  So checking every day gives my doctor an average to see where things are going.

T was there for the entire conversation.

He's shown his hand, as he often does, and I see all too clearly where he stands and what he thinks.  He's shown his hand when it comes to everything I'm dealing with, be it Autoimmune Hepatitis, Pre-Diabetes, heart issues, etc.  He spends a lot of time watching tv, and a lot of time on FB.  He knows very little to nothing about what I'm dealing with because he hasn't bothered to read, research, etc.

I belong to a forum for pre-diabetics and diabetics, and I can't even tell you how many spouses, sisters, brothers, etc... seek information, talk about their concerns, ask what they can do to help.  T, in stark contrast... acts as if everything is perfectly normal.

Emotionally, I've been separating myself from T out of necessity.  I recognize this as a protective behavior and one that is actually healthy.  His lack of compassion, empathy, compassion or concern, his indifference especially... have pretty much turned me off at this point and I'm not trying to fix that because it's not my place.  This has happened before, so I recognize where I am in this.  I don't find hatefulness, indifference, nor a lack of compassion attractive in the least.  I also don't find passive/aggressive, or out-right aggression attractive, and I cannot abide control freaks... in which T is one.  At least he knows he's a control freak.  He's not doing anything about it, but at least he's aware.

Still, my life's course can't be set by someone else's map.  I have to set my own course, make my own decisions, and do what's right and necessary for me, for my health, for my happiness, for my life.

For now all I can do is fight like hell not to fall into that pit of despair and dare to dream when I'm able.  I can't allow anyone, not ANYONE to destroy my happiness and health.

This is an ongoing situation, one of which I can only address one day at a time because of my current bad health.

Listen...

No really, LISTEN.  I'm ADHD and have been all my life.  It reveals itself somewhat differently as an adult as it did when I was a child.  Makes sense, right?  Sometimes I don't hear something or are easily distracted, but not because I'm bored or I don't care what the person talking is saying.  However, and I'm only touching on it right now, I'm sick of not being heard.

Too sick to go any further, but I just had to let that out for now.

More on this later---trust me.  Ugh.

Controlled Crash PART I.

I've not posted in a while, I know.  Some days are just too hard to think, much less talk about what's happening.  Health issues are still unresolved so I'm living in hell for the most part.  Bad thing is, part of that hell, one of the biggest part of that hell isn't my failing health but who I'm with.  Today I'm choosing to be blunt.  It's about time.

I've spent the better part of the morning, to make a long story short as possible, doing a research--a LOT of research.  Doesn't even matter what the subject matter is (not health this time).  What IS important and what absolutely matters in every way is the complete disconnection from T... until I make up my own mind about something and choose to act upon it.  It's part of being a grown-up, so I hear.  You know, making informed decisions on issues that affect one's life. ((sarcasm))

I put in hours worth of research and made my decision after days of talking to people who're experts on the subject, reading, and watching informative videos.  It's not like I made my decision rashly or without forethought.  By the time I put in the footwork and came to my decision---it was with a 100% certainty.  Personally, I have no doubts about my decision at all.

During the stages of research and educating myself on the subject.. T was off in la-la-land, where he seems to spend most of his time (like many average men).  Be it diving headlong into a FB fixation that eats up every spare moment, or staring mindlessly at a screen watching some movie or series or whatever.  Then there's all the other extraneous things and the important things.  When it's all said and done, honestly, I'm left with wondering if I need to make an appointment with him just to have a conversation about important issues.  Thing is--I'm not even remotely the time to do that.  Oh, I USED to be the girl who would wait like an idiot for Mr. Man to have the time for me, but I don't indulge that anymore.

There just isn't any time.  Right?  Not exactly...

It's AFTER I put in the time and effort to research something, AFTER I make my decision based on that research and time... when he decides to be a part of the process and tries to TELL me how things will go, how it will happen (or not happen), and goes on to put time in to finding an alternative to my decision.  What.  The.  Actual.  Hell?

I'm sorry, but if you're too busy to not be a part of the process, you're sure as hell not going to be a part of the decision.  Period.  You can't just waltz in and take over AFTER the fact!

There's a certain intelligence that comes with recognizing and working with your limitations, knowing when to stop or take a different course.  I know my limitations well and am well informed on how to either get around or overcome them.  If you can't identify your limitations they will rule you and your life.

However, there are those who create limitations and full-on embrace them.  The most common, and the ones that irritate the hell out of me the most are the following:

I don't know.
I can't.
We'll see.
Maybe.
AND EVERYONE'S FAVORITE... ((sarcasm again))
If I have time.

Sometimes people don't know or can't do something.  I get that.  But when the question that precedes those answers is "Why"... I start to have a problem with that.  "Why are you being an asshole?"  "I don't know."  You see, the question is what makes those answers so infuriating, not so much the answers themselves.. However, I've always ALWAYS been one to say "I don't know BUT I'LL FIND OUT" if there's any way I can.

So when T attempts to crawl from the shadows and override my decisions and I ask "WHY?"... I honestly don't want to hear "I don't know."  And if I hear "I can't," I would like also to know... "WHY?"

It's not like I want to chat like a couple of old ladies over tea.  I'm talking about important issues that need discussing OR dealing with me having to make the decisions on my own due to lack of participation. Again, you can't just sashay in later after everything's been said and done and a decision's been made!

It's said that control freaks are generally very lazy people, that their own lives are usually badly out of sorts and they seek to control others in order to FEEL "In control."  I'm not talking about those who try to control their own lives, those who will listen to advice from others.  Even if that person doesn't TAKE your advice, they at least listen, and THAT is a fundamental difference between an actual control freak and those who may be a bit OCD in their own lives.  I can be said that the real control freak will be the one RESISTING ANY advice from you and INSISTING you take their advice.. no matter what, even if it's a very bad choice for you.

I'll end this here, but I'll try to compose PART II in a few minutes....

Well. Damn.

If there's anything that I'm NOT afraid of it's doctors and needles.  I don't mind a shot when necessary, and I don't mind blood work or IVs when needed.  However, one thing I discovered today is: I rather NOT okay with giving injections to myself.  And that, unfortunately, is what it's come to... at least right now.

So I saw my Endocrinologist today regarding my lab results for Cushings, Adrenal Fatigue, and... blood sugar issues.  The latter was a big concern because I ended up with Cushing's Syndrome while taking Prednisone, long-term (approximately 3 months).  My allergist stated flat-out that I would be lucky NOT to end up with Type II Diabetes due to my reaction to the Prednisone.  Lovely.  Especially given that my mom and oldest sister both had it (both deceased).

I have other health issues so the drug my doctor wanted me on can't be an option right now.  Lucky me, instead I get an injection... a treatment for Diabetes that's used for PRE-Diabetes/Insulin Resistance--which is where I'm at right now.  Damn.

Serum fasting glucose, Glucose Tolerance Test, AND serum Insulin were taken to assess IF I were in trouble and how badly.  My fasting INSULIN was double what it should have been, my fasting glucose was 111, and at one point... my fasting glucose (in the past few months) was 123.  I had NO idea about that 123 FG.  So here I am having to give myself a lovely injection in my abdomen (skin) once a week for 2 weeks to see if I need to continue that or not, long term, OR... if she's going to put me on another protocol.

The GOOD news is, at least on this one test, my adrenals are perfectly fine and right in the middle of the normal range.  She doesn't completely trust it so wants to test them again in 2 weeks to see where it is.  I also have to have my A1C tested again in a couple of weeks.

It's begun.

I'm NOT looking forward to giving myself an injection, even IF it's an automatic device and pre-loaded.  Just YUCK!!

I have hypOglycemia symptoms and have had those in the past.  I won't explain the process here of what happens BEFORE a person ends up diabetic, etc., because it's more time and energy than I have right now.  But hypOglycemia symptoms suck pretty bad.  Weakness, shaking, fatigue, cold sweats, headaches, etc.  What fun.  However, we're not exactly sure what's causing the chronic pain.  Endo says she also wonders about a myositis situation given the elevated Aldolase on a couple of occasions.  It's not elevated NOW, but I also was on prednisone and Imuran for 3 months, so that took care of any inflammation there might have been in my muscles.. causing muscle breakdown.

I don't know how anyone will ever be able to nail down the cause of the muscle pain after my having been on corticosteroids.  I just don't know.

Well, the pain is pretty severe so am going to sign off for now.  Wish me luck in the morning when I have to give myself my first injection.

It's My Blogger, I Can Whine If I Want To, Whine If I Want To...

You would whine too if it happened to youuuuuu! No, not really.  But it made for an intro that invoked a smile, even if a small one, right?  My busy week has left me wondering, unsure, and stuck in a health loop that I'm not sure will end easily.  Wow.  Like THAT doesn't sound familiar.

Life being what it is we just need to get things off our chest or deal with the consequences of, well, holding it all in until we lose it.  Right?  Right.  I suppose many people have their own way of dealing with or working through things life tosses their way, but for me.. I have many outlets.  Blogging, however is the one remaining on my list that I can actually use at the moment.  So be it.

I already talked about the elevated ferritin, so I'll leave that one be for the moment.  I saw an Endocrinologist yesterday who believes I have (((( wait for it  )))) Adrenal Fatigue caused by (((wait for it again! )))... long-term use of Prednisone.  I knoooooooooow!  *Putting on my best shocked face*  Basically what this means is that the prednisone put my adrenals to sleep and I have absolutely nothing to help me with ANY kind of stress.  I've been stressed for YEARS; Chronic, nearly 24/7 unbelievable stress, both emotional AND physical.  Then, I have to do a 12 day Pred Pac last year, then 3 months THIS year.  The thinking is that, because I went into Cushings Syndrome, my adrenals shut down.  And this is what happens when you develop Cushings.

I have almost every single symptom, and my Endo doc recognized what it is.  It can't be confirmed without blood work, and I got that today.  And tomorrow, because of the Pred, because of the Cushings, because of the possible adrenal fatigue.. I have to have glucose testing to see if my pancreas is damaged and I'm edging, or IN, the throes of diabetes.  My serum glucose is not showing overt diabetes, but that doesn't tell the entire story.  Type II diabetes is one of the more common side effects.  Nifty, huh?  *sigh*

The other appointment I had today was with my bone doc.  Got the MRI results back, and as suspected, I have a torn rotator cuff.  Surgery, because my arm is UNBELIEVABLY painful when I move, is the only option for me.  Day surgery, they'll repair the tear, file bone spurs, and send me home with pain meds and a few restrictions for a while.  There are two problems with proceeding right away with surgery is the fact that I have been on Prednisone and it was 'long-term.'  The other problem is the possible adrenal fatigue.  You can't add additional stress to the body when it basically lacks any defense.  Suppressed adrenals are VERY bad news, and in this case it would mean my body couldn't handle the physical stress of surgery, even minor surgery.  Getting upset at someone will shut you down completely when your adrenals are "asleep."

I can't go into all the details about adrenal fatigue because, literally, it would take a research paper to explain what it is in detail as well as the processes involved.  It's progressive if it isn't addressed and quickly.  People can be heading down that road for years and not even know it, and if you're on that road already... prednisone will push you right over the edge.  And it will.. WRECK. YOUR. LIFE.

So where I am right now in this is simple: Wait for blood test results to see IF what I'm dealing with actually IS adrenal fatigue, and go from there.

Not much else I can do.

Guess I'm done for now... arms too tired to type much longer.

Oh... hope you like the song I left for you guys....

To Live.

I've posted in my other blogs so am a bit spent here.  Please forgive any 'flat' statements.  And if this all comes across tired... it's because it is, and I am.  Somewhere between life and death there has to be actual LIVING.  For me, this is a bit more difficult to achieve.  So how and when do I get my health back, my energy back, my LIFE back?  Haven't I been asking this same question for what seems forever?   No need to answer that.
I'm sitting here right now hearing that inner voice of my body sending me every available signal that I need to lay down.  But that's not what I'm looking for, not what I want to do.  Bedridden isn't living. I've managed to get out of that constant bedridden state, but it hasn't made standing, sitting, walking, or even being alive... easy.  So now what?

I don't harbor any false hope of T ever obtaining the ability to be anything other than what he is, or what he chooses to be; lost in a non-compassionate state.  He fully embraces indifference, and I believe he does so because, well, it's simply lazy and easier.  A lot of men are like this.  Too many.  He knows he is too and doesn't seem to care that he is.  But he rails against the truth even while he admits it, stating that he's very loving and compassionate.  Okay.  Maybe.  But not to me.  What this has done over time is make me pull away, and yes I've told him this.  I know where this is heading where I'm concerned.

I long for that time when I wasn't dating, in a relationship, when I was fully myself even if my health was failing at that time.  And it wasn't all that long ago, really.  Time passes, months and years, and I've watched my health fail in a situation that lacks empathy.  What the hell am I supposed to do with that?

Many nights I can't sleep because the growing anxiety has bullied it's way into the only respite I used to know---sleep.  Dammit.

I wake up tired, spent, worn out, and unmotivated.  This isn't going to help me heal and, in fact, will hurt me even more.

Will today, this weekend, be yet another failure on T's part?  Will he insist yet again on buying food that hurts my health and ignoring ALL of my doctors' warnings?  I can't say I'm optimistic about this.

I'm exhausted trying to be my own champion.

Lucid Dream...

I had my first lucid dream.  At least I think it was my first.  You know how dreams are... some of them you just can't remember.  But this one was pretty clear, and it had the usual recurring theme as my dreams tend to have, which has been the way of my dreams nearly my entire life.  There are basically 3 recurring themes, but I won't get into those now.  But as dreams go, this one was quite different then all the others.

The dream:

I was home, in 'my' room doing nothing but sitting quietly on the bed and looking out the window.  Clouds outside were very low, dark, broiling... and they shifted into what I recognized as a tornado (common theme in my dreams and not in the least scary, btw).  I jumped up and ran into the living room looking to see what damage there might be, can I yelled out to T that there was a tornado.

I could see the deck out back was damaged, the railing torn, and some trees, etc. were damaged.  I then walked into the breakfast nook area, and this is when I noticed the furniture was different, the room was different, and outside the breakfast nook window was another room.. instead of the deck and gorgeous view.

Once I realized everything was different I stopped, turned a little bit and told T... "Oh.  Never mind.  It's is just a dream." I then just looked around quickly, amused that I was dreaming.. then woke.

Weird.

And I don't mind weird at all, but... I felt in my dream, as I do after waking from an interesting or otherwise really good dream, rather.. disappointed.  Perhaps it was because I felt as if I had control of things in the dream, and much less so than in real life.

Whatever caused this lucid dream--I hope it happens again, because... I rather liked it.  Honestly, I wish I felt in real life the way I do in my dreams.  Why?  Because it's more like 'living.'

"....You've chosen lessons of pain."

I received a message with this video in it yesterday.  I have no idea who the person is who sent it... but, oddly.. this is one of my favorite songs and one I listen to every night.  Headphones on, dark room, and songs to obliterate the thoughts....

All alone you felt (All alone you felt)

Since the angels brought, you, down

Fly, too, high, now, you, have fallen perfectly

Certainly you'll see (Certainly you'll see)

[You] have a special purpose

To share

All, your, dreams, have, come, together perfectly

Could you open your mind

And see the reason

You've chosen lessons of pain

For a warrior's heart

Truth and inspiration

Reminds us to not be afraid

They don't understand (They don't understand)

Though they call themselves, your, friend

Fate, has, brought, you, back, to find your destiny

Should you travel deep (Should you travel deep)

Hear the voices, light, the, way

Souls, .... and, reveal your destiny

Could you open your mind

And see the reason

You've chosen lessons of pain

For a warrior's heart

Truth and inspiration

Reminds us to not be afraid

*instrumental*

Wipe your tears

It's all right

And revel yourself in the truth

You're the strongest heart

All these tears

All these nights lead down a road that seems like a maze yet

All you encounter will make sense in time

Could you open your mind

And see the reason?

You've chosen lessons of pain

For a warrior's heart

Truth and inspiration

Reminds us to not be afraid

Could you open your mind

And see the reason

You've chosen lessons of pain

For a warrior's heart

Truth and inspiration

Reminds us to not be afraid

Could you open your mind

And see the reason

You've chosen lessons of pain

For a warrior's heart

Truth and inspiration

Reminds us to not be afraid

Getting it all off my chest...

Well, it's a little cathartic to be able to vent, to scrutinize, to assess, to get it all out when something's bothering me.  If you want to know exactly what I'm talking about... it's HERE.  PART I and PART II were needed as this was, well, you'll see if you're curious enough to go there and read.  The discussion was about Beta men vs Alpha men and the necessary balance of power in a relationship.  I'm past that now, moving on, and wondering what the hell I'm going to do about my life as it is at the moment... not much of a life at all.  Aren't I always struggling with this?  Don't answer.

Exhaustion overcomes on the other side of stress.  I'm pretty much there at the moment and fighting like hell to defeat its encroachment.  What I'm left with is a familiar struggle to find my strength and focus again.  It's okay.  It is what it is.

I have to face each day like I don't remember the one before.  I can't allow myself to have any regrets, or allow the sense that I lost yet another 24 hours of my life.  There aren't any do-overs.  What I do is wake and think to myself.. "Today is the day."  It's a mantra of sorts, and one that has yet to actually work.

I'm spent.  Working on those two hefty entries has left me with virtually nothing.  So, if you're curious... click on the link above to read the most of today's crapola.

"G" gave me an ORDER! OH NO SHE DI'NT!

OH yes she did! ;p  And then we cracked up, drank coffee, and drained our cell phone batteries talking.

Basically, we have this same conversation about twice a month, sometimes more often depending on how much I put into my blogs.  You see, she has ONE blog that she pours absolutely everything into.  And that works for her.  Not so much for me.  So, on occasion, like yesterday, she told me I "Absolutely must" put re-share the links across my blogs so people realize I'm not always saying the same thing in all the same places.  Okay.  If I must. ;p  She's a good egg, so I'll indulge her every so often.

The one thing I'm not on board with is her insistence that I talk here about the same things I talk to HER about.  Yeah, no.... I don't think ANYONE is ready for THAT! lol


NOTE: The links below can also be found on the menu section in each of my blogs.  Easy peasy. ;)

My other blogs:

Boo's Juicy Bits

This Free Spirit

Where Fireflies Dream

The Crap I Spew

All Things Ephemeral


Happy now, G?  Now let's see you bring some order to that mincemeat you call a blog. (*snort*).

Yeah, we've been friends for several years so can jab at each other.  All in good fun.. :)

Anger? Surprise? Inspiration at its worst? WTH?

REPOST from my other blog(s):

Sometimes I get a spark of something that inspires me.  Such inspiration doesn't always present itself in the best way, though, but I usually try to go with it when it happens.  Such gems shouldn't be taken for granted but taken advantage of.  It really is that rare.

In the midst of fighting for every drop of energy that can be found wherever it is I can find it, a tiny burst will make its way into the day and nudge me.  Okay, I can certainly deal with that.  Wish there were MORE of it, but I'll take what I can get and go with it nonetheless.

The fuel for this little 'fire' isn't from a good source, definitely not a positive force, and most definitely not from a pleasant source.  Be that as it may, there it is... kind of like when your dog has an accident and you're left looking at it wondering to yourself what you did to deserve such a... 'gift'? lol  Okay, okay... enough with lame attempts at comedy.  Even so, the conversation with a friend of mine earlier today was what ignited this whatever-it-is and sent me on a journey to try and put my thoughts in order.  I found the results of that rather.. lacking.

All this blabbering, to be honest, is just my working through it all.  Not the conversation, because that was interesting and creatively invigorating.  But the chaos I'm dealing within the thought process at the moment is simply trying to pull together the shards of data that's left from past experience.  Anyone who understands this knows where I'm coming from.  G knows.  She gets it.  And, from what I read on her blog(s)... she's been able to run with it without tripping like a clown every step of the way that I've been.  Eh.  I'm still confident that this purging will eliminate the chaff and reveal the good stuff.  I'll be back to discuss that when it happens.