"....You've chosen lessons of pain."

I received a message with this video in it yesterday.  I have no idea who the person is who sent it... but, oddly.. this is one of my favorite songs and one I listen to every night.  Headphones on, dark room, and songs to obliterate the thoughts....

All alone you felt (All alone you felt)

Since the angels brought, you, down

Fly, too, high, now, you, have fallen perfectly

Certainly you'll see (Certainly you'll see)

[You] have a special purpose

To share

All, your, dreams, have, come, together perfectly

Could you open your mind

And see the reason

You've chosen lessons of pain

For a warrior's heart

Truth and inspiration

Reminds us to not be afraid

They don't understand (They don't understand)

Though they call themselves, your, friend

Fate, has, brought, you, back, to find your destiny

Should you travel deep (Should you travel deep)

Hear the voices, light, the, way

Souls, .... and, reveal your destiny

Could you open your mind

And see the reason

You've chosen lessons of pain

For a warrior's heart

Truth and inspiration

Reminds us to not be afraid

*instrumental*

Wipe your tears

It's all right

And revel yourself in the truth

You're the strongest heart

All these tears

All these nights lead down a road that seems like a maze yet

All you encounter will make sense in time

Could you open your mind

And see the reason?

You've chosen lessons of pain

For a warrior's heart

Truth and inspiration

Reminds us to not be afraid

Could you open your mind

And see the reason

You've chosen lessons of pain

For a warrior's heart

Truth and inspiration

Reminds us to not be afraid

Could you open your mind

And see the reason

You've chosen lessons of pain

For a warrior's heart

Truth and inspiration

Reminds us to not be afraid

When I'm without words, music....

When I'm without words, music...

The Art of Being a Gentleman.

Sadly, I'm often surprised how many guys think they're a gentleman but lack the characteristics to hold that esteemed title.  Somewhere along the line behaving like a gentleman, acting, dressing, and thinking like a gentleman lost it's appeal in the male population and was replaced mostly by pseudo-manners and a false bravado that clash to expose the afflicted.  Why is this?  Well, I wish I knew.  What I do know is the effect this has on the female population; at least most of us anyway.

What turns me on the most are 3 very specific traits, and if a man possesses all 3... he's definitely a keeper!



1. He knows what a gentleman is and genuinely exhibits those traits.

2. He's intelligent.

Now, the above list isn't all-inclusive, but my point here is: if a man is a gentleman he's going to possess pretty much all of those traits we women admire and wish for in a man.

Where have all the genuine gentlemen gone?

We could speculate all day long and then some about what makes a man a gentleman, but let's suffice it to say that it's a whole lot more than opening doors.  This topic is bigger than you think, because what appears and should be a no-brainer has become complex in today's world due to many factors.

Maybe guys have just lost their way and have no interest in refining themselves to the degree needed. Oh well, I know I for one can spot a true gentleman.  Have I steered clear of those who turned out to be nothing close to gentlemen?  No.  I made huge mistakes all things dating and relationships.  I guess for the ones who put on a good show I allowed myself to ignore the small (at first) warning signs until I was in love and completely lost.  It's not pretty, but it's true.  I gave the benefit of doubt to a couple of guys who honestly didn't deserve it.

I will always believe that there are gentlemen out there, genuine gentleman through and through.  There's no way I'll allow myself to believe any other way and will absolutely refuse to allow such non-gentlemanly guys I've dated in the past ruin this belief.

Waning Patience.

Patience used to be one of my strong points, though that doesn't mean that under certain circumstances that I didn't have my patience tested, sometimes to the extreme.  And it's okay to lose one's patience now and then, because shoving emotions down only makes for a more emotional outcome/reaction later on.  I'm all about being honest with emotions, not burying them so they rise later as a twisted, overblown version of themselves.

But what happens when you're with someone who either beats you down emotionally (or physically as in some cases) for feeling, expressing or sharing those feelings?  After a time one of two things will happen: Either you will suppress your feelings to a self-damaging degree, or you will become very reactive as the bruises are poked and prodded on a regular basis.  And that's putting it mildly.

Long ago, as a child, I learned to not express anger.  Kids are taught, as we all know, that losing your temper or expressing anger isn't a good thing.  Well, for the most part this is true.  We have to learn to express our feelings in a controlled manner when possible.  Some situations do warrant not holding everything back.  However, when people teach children to NOT express anger there is a very real possibility, a very strong one, that the child will grow up suppressing anger, and many go on to suppressing most, if not all, emotions/feelings.  This is a disaster in the making.

I learned quickly that expressing anger AND sadness was a punishable "crime."  Whether the punishment was shaming, guilting, being sent to my room, grounded, scolded, etc... it didn't matter, because the outcome was always the same---negative feedback.  This did a lot of damage and I'm still trying to get past that damage, to heal and feel whole again.  It's not easy, I'll tell you, and I wish my mom would've had the foresight and intuition to teach me to FEEL while learning healthy ways to EXPRESS those feelings.

With each relationship I got into I became a huge sponge that absorbed everything that was thrown at me.  Every unkind and hateful word, every mean-spirited criticism, every joke about me in which I was always the punch line (a treasured abuse by narcissists, btw), even the stonewalling became something I took on as a part of myself.  No wonder I'm broken.

My relationships became an extension of my experiences with my mom, with almost ALL of them carrying on the hurtful legacy I would carry and eventually be crushed by later in my life.  My choices in men weren't the smartest, and I'm willing to admit that I didn't SEE or recognize what I was doing until just a few years ago.

The relationship I'm in now is more than trying, to put it mildly.  T isn't an 'abuser,' but he's simply, more often than not, just not here.  The blatant absence, even in his presence, is a perfect reflection of yet another favored 'punishment' met out by my mother, the indifference and tuning-out being the most painful of things, damaging in their deliverance and painful as a well-delivered punch, maybe even more so.

My days are brought with not being heard, not listened to, with even the smallest gesture of respect something I rarely receive from this guy who claims to 'love' me.  Communication is a nightmare in which I can never wake it seems.  At nearly batting 100 at this point, T literally hears perhaps the last couple of words in a sentence or phrase, often not even acknowledging that I had spoken.  Repeating myself constantly has become a stress I no longer want to have, so I rarely initiate conversation with him for this reason.

My past is laden with such things, though of a darker and more abusive nature.  While I didn't recognize it at the time my entire being was being eroded in such a way that I would only see the situation for what it was only after my spirit was broken.  Even into this relationship the insidious nature of that erosion of self continues to make itself known and without any hint of what can heal what is still an open wound.  That's okay for now, though, because if I can recognize what's happening I can eventually find a way out, to allow healing even if it's in small, minuscule measures.

I have a confession to make.  This whole 'not being heard' thing has worn me to the bone, leaving my capacity for patience wanting, to say the least.  Yes, Prednisone in my system, and even in its exit from my system brings with it moodiness as it doesn't allow anymore for the cortisol (the anti-stress hormone) to swoop in and save the day.  There is only what is in my system artificially until my adrenal glands wake up and being doing their job at full capacity; the waiting totally sucks, I promise you.

Being within 2 feet of T and not being heard is something I'm not okay with anymore.  I don't have the desire to repeat every sentence or word every day of my life.  I just have no desire or energy for such a thing, and it makes communication enormous work and a frustrating endeavor that I've lost almost all interest in.  I find myself in tears as T is the only person I'm around these days, and the realization that I'm so at his mercy while he HAS no mercy is staggering in its significance when it comes to my life and my health.

This is not a situation all that unfamiliar to me.

I've been down this road before, only the terrain looks a little different.  Being sick, having major health issues arise (such as a TIA, which I had in 2013) and having someone in my life who was indifferent, 'put-out' by my being sick, having my emotions, self-esteem and body pushed beyond any reasonable limit damaged my health--both physical and emotional.  This was on a far, far greater scale than anything I'd ever experienced in my life and mostly due to my not understanding what it was I was dealign with.  I know now, of course, but it's not of any help at the moment.  I'm at T's mercy, totally, so when I try to talk about anything, especially the most important things and am tuned-out to the point where I'm literally talking to myself... I admit... it's brought me to tears over the last week or so.  I'm too weak, to tired, and way too sick to be able to handle this in any healthy fashion.

Yesterday was so incredibly hard.  I spent most of the day in bed, covered up, dealing with a tuned-out T to freezing one moment and overheating the next.  It was just too much at one time, and I didn't handle it well.  I fight to get out of bed every day, to try yet one more time while embracing the hope that today will be the day I feel better and more like myself.  It's all I have.  Yet my day was spent in bed yesterday for the most part because I was unable to find any motivation to even so much as sit upright and watch tv.  There's a lot of details I'm not adding, but I honestly don't have the energy to type much more than I have.

All I know is that history is somewhat repeating itself, and the damage from the past is fusing with the damage from the present, leaving me spent, depressed, and defeated.

It's really all I know right now...

the invisibility of being.

Throughout my life I've been pretty thin-skinned, listening to others tell me what I should/shouldn't be, what and how I should think, do, say, dream... developed into an art form for me that damn near reached "Spidey Power" status.  No, seriously.  I would take and wear whatever anyone projected upon me like a shiny pair of Jimmy Choo's.  And trust me when I say that two-sizes too small absolutely made a difference in how I felt and carried myself through life.

Barefoot is better.  Know what happens when you go barefoot the majority of the time?  The soles of your feet get pretty damn tough.  Having grown up poor I had only one pair of shoes (cheap) at a time and wasn't really allowed to wear them outside if I were just playing in the yard, etc.  They had to last until my mom decided we could afford more.  I think I had the toughest feet of anyone I've ever known because of this.  The only thing that really hurt me was if I stepped on glass (which I did a few times, once landing me in the ER to have the glass removed), and when that California asphalt and concrete got hot enough to fry an egg on.  Even so, over time walking barefoot didn't bother me one single bit.

But what about the INSIDE?  Oh, but that was a whole different story altogether.  I couldn't walk my way through through the pain to being 'thick-skinned' and pretty much felt the weight of anything and everything that was said to me.  Criticism became truth, a 'reality' handed to me that I willingly took.  My childhood experiences weren't filled with encouragement or praise nor even helpful criticism.  Indifference and criticism, and many times complete withdrawal of love and affection were the tools used to shape the person I would become.

I was to become the child who survived.

In adulthood, that small child I once was is alive, and though not well, that part of me is AWARE.  There is still a disconnection of who 'that little girl' was and who I am now, and I still see photos of when I was little and feel such pity for 'that little girl.'  Yes, I know it's me, of course.  But the disconnection is still there just the same.  I want SO much to apologize to her and say "I'm sorry I didn't protect you!"

I've accepted this disconnection as a part of who I am, but I don't like it one single bit.  C'est la vie.

I remain thin-skinned, but my reaction to criticism, disrespect, and so forth is very different now.  I've allowed history to repeat itself in relationships I've had, and the reality of this has unprecedented tenure, so it would seem.  It will be with me the rest of my life.  Okay.  I'll just have to work around that when possible, right?

So here I am all grown up and stuff.  I can make decisions, change my mind, and walk away from anyone or anything that threatens my happiness; such are the benefits of being an adult.  Right?  Well, not exactly.  At least not for me.  That subconscious, that inner child, the child I actually WAS at one time so long ago, well.. she has a mind of her own and remembers the pain, the isolation, the indifference, the coldness, the invisibility of being... well, me.

Such memories carry over for the long-haul and map the course of life in often undesirable ways.  But it doesn't always have to be like that.  I can do more to help myself in that respect.  And I do.

On bad days, of which I have far too many these days, that inner child is the one who suffers most.  Sure, I feel the physical pain, and I feel the isolation of my situation and all it invokes (depression, anxiety, etc).  But it's what happens INSIDE that changes my world, my life.  All I can do is anesthetize myself with too much coffee, reading, and way too much television.  My physical body simply refuses to allow much more these days.  That's okay, because eventually the AIH and the 'possible' Myositis, both autoimmune, is driving the bus now, and not even my inner child can rebel against that and affect change.

Sitting here in the quiet, drinking coffee, talking about things I've not talked with a single other human being about...well, but for one therapist for a very short time, I can definitely say I recognize my life as it was, and as it still is; The invisibility of being... me.

Do You Hear Me?

One common theme you guys see here is about 'listening,' you know.. simply NOT tuning someone out when they're talking to you.  Not to say as human beings we can't or aren't ever distracted, or we forget, or whatever the case, because that can and does happen.  What I'm talking about is the chronic habit of just not listening when someone talks.  It's the epitome of rude, of not caring, and shows a blatant absence of empathy and compassion.  This is NOT a good thing, folks.

As more is uncovered with my failing health, as things become more complicated as to the treatments, as my body revolts by making even simple tasks nearly impossible, I find my tolerance for being tuned out and/or not taken seriously has pretty much vanished.  I've hung in there for over a year dealing with this, and I'm just not on board with it anymore.  But you guys know this by now, I'm sure.

One more night of repeating myself, asking questions where the answer was already given, and finding myself in the middle of a energy-draining diatribe where T argues the argument and tries to blame everything on me.  I didn't say it right, didn't speak loud enough, said it at the wrong time, or just wasn't clear enough.  I'm calling BS on all of that, because I can't be anything other than perfectly clear these days.  I'm sick and weak and painful, which doesn't leave me a lot of energy to be creatively-difficult.  Hell no.. I HAVE to cut to the chase, because I don't have enough strength or energy to do anything else.

Why do I bother?  I've been here before and know how it plays out.  Men love to believe they're right, the only ones with answers.  No offense to any guys reading this who aren't cut from the typical cloth.  I know you exist and appreciate you all.  What I'm speaking of here are men who decidedly "Take the path of least resistance" and spin things in their favor.  Hey, if it works for you, congratulations.  But my guess is.. it absolutely doesn't.

Can women be like this?  Sure they can!  But for the sake of argument here, and from my personal standpoint and experience, I've dealt with MEN who do this, which is why that's my focus.

I can't make someone hear me, listen to me, respond to me, or respond or care or give a crap from any standpoint or view.  I can ask.  I can point out the obvious, IF that person is open and not a total asshole.  But I can't make anyone change.  What happens, by default, is that I end up changing the way I communicate with such people, and that usually means... I stop communicating.  It's inevitable, and it's happened before.

Whether the approach is to be a rip-roaring ass or indifferent zombie, the result on MY end is the same.  I don't have any interest in sharing thoughts, dreams, life, whatever with someone who is a jerk in response or barely hears what I'm saying, much less remembers what I'm saying.  Why on earth would I waste so much effort on people who doesn't deserve it?  Rhetorical question, of course.

I'd like to finish my thoughts on this, but unfortunately the jump in dosage of the Azathioprine is kicking my ass.  I will have to finish this another time...

Thanks for your patience, guys....

Comparisons Only Do Harm

Don't compare yourself to others.  No matter how hard it is to refrain from that, most of us do that very thing and wonder later why we feel so damn bad.  We're all unique, lovable, deserving of respect, beautiful.  Now, even I don't believe this most of the time, but it doesn't mean I don't remind myself of this when I start to feel 'less-than.'  And if you've emerged from a past stricken and scarred by a someone who took great joy in comparing you to others, then you have a little more work ahead of you.

Finding out I have an autoimmune disease, in this case one that wants very much to destroy my liver (Autoimmune Hepatitis), has changed everything for me.  How I live, what I do, who I'm around, where I go, all of those everyday things people take for granted has to be approached with a great deal of thought and discretion now.  My life is different, but it's still MY life, which means I get to choose how to live it from one moment to the next.

My past contains enough sharp edges that, more often than not, continue to cut.  Not having dealt with to completion the necessary steps to find my way out of that past darkness does have its drawbacks, so all I can do is navigate as best I can in hopes the wounds won't be reopened, or even that new ones won't be created.  We can't run from our past, and I can't think of a single reason anyone would want to.  As bad as it may be, we still need to remember, always remember what we went through so we can recognize the danger signs and steer clear of repeating the same mistakes over and over again.  For me, I have made the mistakes repeatedly, but only because I didn't get the proper help to recognize WHY it was happening, and to also recognize any current situation that is dangerous to me, my spirit, my peace of mind, my life in general.

A more recent past experience still wreaks havoc on who and what I am, and it sometimes, oftentimes, defies all inner reason and threatens to steal away my joy whenever it comes.  I'm not in full control over this yet, though I'm trying very much to get a handle on things.  Working towards healing is like that, you know.  It doesn't happen overnight or in a few minutes, and anyone telling you that's the way healing works.. is lying.

The echoes of the past still whisper to me if I'm not very careful to replace that voice with another.  Someone I dearly loved and trusted betrayed my trust in more ways than I can tell you.  The comparisons alone were damaging all by themselves, and to this very day I hear those words again and again, because while I was with that person I heard those very words... again and again.  It's going to take a minute to heal from that.

"It's not mean if it's true!"  If I had a dollar for every time I heard this.

Even IF something is true it can still be mean to say it, comment on it, or judge whatever it is.  And you also have to know if it's actually TRUE or not, have the ability to recognize the difference between your OPINION and actual fact.  Case in point, telling someone they're stupid, a moron, etc., making fun of them either for their age, weight, height, choice of clothing, and so on... is mean.  Is is less mean to tell an elderly person they're "old" or "wrinkled" or even "incontinent" okay?  Is it nice to say it though it may be true?  Is it 'nice' to tell a mentally retarded person that they're mentally retarded?  Is it okay to tell someone who has a physical disability that impairs their ability to walk like everyone else.. that they walk funny?  No.  NONE of that is okay.  Nor is it okay to make judgments of that person when you're really speaking just opinion.  Keep it to yourself, because IT IS MEAN.

Enter the comparisons...

This tactic of a narcissist, btw, is a common one.  When you don't meet their overblown and unreasonable criteria you're completely fair game for un-called for scrutiny, criticism, judgment, and character assassination.  At first it's subtle, insidious in nature.  Later, as the narcissist becomes comfortable and feels you're hooked in, the once-veiled comparisons bundled with insults become bolder, louder, and more extreme.  Eventually, the comparisons will be point-blank as the narcissist gets more comfortable with the idea that he is somehow right.

You'll be compared to their ex's, family members, friends, or people they want you to know is interested in them.  This is across the board, btw.

I could go into great bloody detail with this, but not today.  I spent the better part of a couple of years trying NOT to be me at the insistence of that person, the one who criticized, ridiculed, then resorted to blatant attacks on who and what I am as a person.  It was a long, drawn-out event that had me scrambling to be, in effect, someone else entirely.  And the result?... disastrous.  Absolutely disastrous.  In time I barely recognized the woman in the mirror, and as time passed and the onslaught continued... I began to miss the person I was, because she remained beneath the surface, suffocating, crying out for help with no one to hear.

I'm still saving that part of me, still trying to heal the wounds.  And I still remember the length I allowed myself to go to in order to please that other, otherwise, un-pleasable person.  I allowed him to talk me into dissolving all I was.  BIG BIG mistake.

The physical effects began to happen immediately.  I no longer looked like the happy person I was prior to that relationship (for lack of a better word).  I could see in the mirror, and in photos, how much sadness there was in my eyes after about six months or so, but I didn't put it together until much, much later.  By the time I was shown what it was I was dealing with, so much of me was broken, shattered, and confused.  To this day I still seek to repair the damage, and I struggle with it every day, day in and day out.  And I still wonder why the hell it happened to me.

I have to talk about this.  It's the only way to deal with it.  In my everyday life I don't talk to anyone about this now.  In fact, I don't talk about it with anyone anymore, which is one reason it pours on the pages across my blogs, some days more than others.

Where do I find healing?  I know it's not in the form of denial.  I know it's not in the form of sugar-coating the experience.  I know it's not like I can wish it away like it never happened.  It DID happen, and it actually continues to happen still, because the way it happened, the damage it did, and the way it ended was insidious for the most part and cruel as hell.

Letting go:

What nice words, huh?  "Letting go" sounds like something easy, a walk in the park, a piece of cake, something anyone can do.  Right?  Wrong!  Actually letting go takes closure, time, patience, and a complete understanding of what happened and my role in the situation and in the healing itself.

Where it all falls apart for me is the mirror.  When I look I see that other me, the sad one, the bewildered one, the one who was taught to NOT TRUST her own instincts, her own vital truth.  That's what I see.  I don't know at the moment how to change this, and the damaging effects are still continuing.  I know I'm going to have to return to therapy, and I'm not apologizing for that, nor am I going to feel bad or 'less than' for that.  The situation wrecked me, and I'm at least smart enough, strong enough to admit that I need help dealing with the damage I incurred.

Many days I have nothing to say on this matter, and some days it's a flood of thought, emotion, and so on.  Like today.  I know what's triggering this, and I'm just going to roll with it for now.  In ways I'm still hurt that so much was ignored and missed and scoffed at, so much that's come to light over the past couple of years.

That's another topic for another entry...  Yeah, I'm definitely on a roll today... purging the demons.

Ever-Wondering Why I Bother to Give a Damn

It was a long holiday weekend filled with packing, moving a few loads over to the new house, and lots of anxiety having to be around T for that long.  I'm not being mean here, I assure you, but the magnitude in which he's "just not there" is ever more apparent when we're around each other too much.  And honestly, it drags me down and wears me out beyond words.  Not sure how I can handle this much longer.

I try very hard to be patient and understanding, but it's nearly impossible to feel those things when the other person is simply not trying at all.  I'm a ghost in my own household (notice I didn't say "home"), and the weight of being absolutely trapped is taking a tremendous toll on me both physically and emotionally.  Life isn't supposed to be this hard.

He's supposed to go visit his family in Florida next month, and no.. I'm not going.  By choice.  I'm simply not up to that long drive right now, and honestly... I really need the time alone; maybe I'll be able to breathe for once.  I'm a little scared I'll like being by myself much more than I realize.  Though it really wouldn't surprise me...as I crave space, peace, breathing room, a place to stretch these broken wings and try and remember what it feels like to fly.

...It was another weekend with my pointing out all the ways he tries to control me, how he treats me like a child, how he doesn't respect me... and as always it falls on deaf ears.  Oh, he vehemently INSISTS that he understands what I'm trying to say to him, that he gets it, that he will try harder, and so on..and on..and on..and on.  His words mean very little to me anymore, and his WORD... means even less.

I can't rely on him following through.

Honestly, I could understand his not being able to follow through on some things if there were a REASON.  But there's not.  He simply just... doesn't.  And it's very telling.

In the meantime I try desperately to hold on, to remember who I am, to remember my dreams, wishes, hopes, goals, and to remind myself that my needs matter too.  I also have to work on not being completely rolled over by him when he does this; and I have to say it's nearly impossible.  I mean, let's face it---I'm not the toughest person, and I'm sensitive to both people and environment.  And my environment right now is NOT conducive to happiness, joy, OR healing; three things of which I need desperately in my life.

How the hell did I get here?  Rhetorical question, really.  What I should be asking myself is 'How did I get here AGAIN?!'

Okay, so truth be told I'd have to say I HAVE asked myself that question and know how I got here again.  I'm not in the awful places that I've been in the past with relationships, but this one isn't healthy for me at all.  So what do I do so that I can thrive, live, and be able to breathe in my own space?

That's the million dollar question, isn't it?

And I'm working on that...

I am.  I have to.

HAVE to.

PART 2: Your Value as a Human Being Defined by a Narcissist

In the last entry I gave a pretty long account of how I came to bringing narcissists into my life.  While long, I think it was important to define where I'm coming from in a meaningful way.  Hopefully I did just that.  Now it's time to explain how I allowed narcissists to define who I am and, which resulted in allowing them to define my actual value as a person.  Do realize that ALL narcissists do this, so if you're dealing with one you'll most likely see yourself in what I'm about to say; unless you're in the early stages where you're being put on a pedestal.

I've previously discussed "Narcissistic Supply" and what it means, but in short I will simply say it's basically a narcissist using another human being in order to feel superior, better-than.  That's WAY oversimplifying, but you probably get the point if you're actually WITH a narcissist.

NOTE:  You'll ONLY be valued by a narcissist when you're fulfilling the narcissistic need (aka, when you're actually and literally 'narcissistic supply').  The devaluation period begins when you're no longer that supply and the narcissist is bored and actively looking for his next supply.  This more times than not happens WHILE you're still with them, because they have to secure their next supply before getting rid of the old supply that is no longer giving them what they need.  They can't really be left without a supply of any kind so often, though not always, end up finding someone new (a replacement) while still in the relationship with you.  This is VERY common, by the way.

Clues you're being replaced as a narcissist's supply:

The signs are not unlike any other 'normal' situation where someone becomes bored in the relationship, cheats on you, etc.  But there are critical differences between a normal 'cheating' or 'falling out of love with' situation and that of where a narcissist is seeking a new supply.

All the usual fare applies here, with some uniquely different additions and twists:

1.  Calling and texting less/communication sees difficult or impossible, which is ultimately blamed on you.

2.  Picking fights, usually on a daily basis, often resulting in his/her not speaking to you for days (stonewalling), which is ultimately blamed on you.

3.  Constant criticism, which is ultimately blamed on you.

4.  Constant comparing and contrasting you to ex's or others the narcissist is interested in, which is ultimately blamed on you.

5.  Sex becomes something that feels 'unnatural' to you.  Now this is a tough one, because narcissists rarely ever have "normal" sex.  In fact, during sex they are usually disconnected and unable to perform unless stimulated in another way outside of the sex itself.  And outside of sheer 'performance' a narcissist cannot "make love."

But when your narcissist is looking for another source of supply the sex becomes such that it often leaves the 'supply' turned off, repelled, and bewildered.  This is a dangerous stage, because the resulting psychological and emotional damage can be long-lasting.  And like everything else bad that happens with your narcissist.. this is ultimately blamed on you.

6.  Demands become either more in number, and/or stranger in nature.  Usually this falls under the heading of all things sexual, but it requires a separate notation here because of its complexity in where it actually separates itself from actual 'sex.'  Let's suffice it to say that the demands for things such as sexually explicit photos, videos, performances, and information increase in number.  You find yourself barely able to find the time to do the things in your life that need doing, to take any time at all for yourself, to do anything for yourself, including relaxing... because the narcissist is, at this point, attempting to extract a supply that you can no longer provide.  Either your emotional state has deteriorated (depression, anxiety) to a point where you simply cannot be the plaything any longer, or if your self-esteem is intact enough... you simply WILL NOT be that supply any longer.  In both cases you probably have no idea what you're dealing with or how to define it.  And again, you will ultimately be blamed for the narcissist's behavior and increase in his/her 'needs.'

7.  Your time is no longer respected.  This is one of the hardest traits you'll have to deal with when it comes to being with a narcissist.  As YOU are devalued, so is everything in your life.  Your own needs will be offered up to you as 'selfish,' no matter if it's eating, sleeping, working, hobbies, leisure activities, your faith (church, etc.), and even your pets and family.  At this point your narcissist no longer really sees you as a human being deserving of respect, care, compassion or love.

Your inability to supply the narcissist's ever-increasing demands/needs renders you irrelevant.  THIS is absolutely CRITICAL for you to recognize, because if you don't recognize and deal with this (by LEAVING) it can destroy your physical and emotional wellbeing.  When things have reached this level of deterioration it is NECESSARY for you to get out!  You are going to be discarded eventually, so it makes no sense to stay.  Thing is, you'll probably not recognize what's happening unless you're made aware---which is what I'm doing now.  You will ultimately be blamed for all of this.

8.  Constant reminders that you can be replaced.  This is often said with a dark tone of warning, but it also can be presented in a flippant manner, both meant to hurt and worry you, to make you question your role and responsibility in the situation.  In a NORMAL and HEALTHY relationship the person who is unhappy, falling out of love, etc. will usually just break up with you and leave the situation, and they often will leave in a way that is as least damaging to you.  Healthy breakups between emotionally healthy people aren't HAPPY affairs, but a certain amount of respect is normally sought in the situation.  When a narcissist wants to leave, however, he/she does it in such a way as to leave you as hurt and broken as possible.  You will ultimately be blamed for this.

9.  You find yourself increasingly responsible for the relationship and shown how inept you are at the job.  This is really a killer of self-esteem and self-worth for those dealing with a narcissist.  Because narcissists aren't really people pleasers, they often seek out those who are.  They don't really feel compassion or actual love, so they seek those who DO feel those things, and strongly.  They also seek out those damaged just enough to be malleable.  With this combination, when the narcissist begins to look for a replacement for you (looking for a new supply), the devaluation period becomes fraught with many, many demands, often ones that are nearly impossible to meet.  And.. the relationship APPEARS to deteriorate before your eyes.  But it's an illusion.

The relationship, like the narcissist, was always based on what you 'thought' was real but was merely a facade.  Once the facade begins to crack and crumble away, once the narcissist's mask begins to slip and ultimately drop... the truth of the situation reveals itself.  Sadly, you'll begin to frantically try to patch the cracks and decay, to help the narcissist replace the mask you fell in love with.  This can never be done, though, and as the relationship becomes depressing, disconnected, chaotic, not only will the narcissist blame you for this, you will end up blaming yourself.  He/she has groomed you from the beginning for this very moment.

Over time your self-esteem was whittled away at, and at some point hacked away recklessly and with wanton abandon by the same person who once made you feel like you mattered.  This is the worst part of the devaluation period, a time in which you will ultimately be blamed for the hurt and damaged inflicted upon you by the narcissist.

10.  You will notice more frequently that the narcissist is accusing YOU of exactly what he/she is doing, often at the time you're being accused.  THIS is one of the most tell-tale signs you're dealing with a narcissist, btw---projection.  It happens early on as well, but you're in the throes of falling in love and being mostly gushed mover, pampered perhaps, and made to 'feel loved.'  Here is when, in a perfect world, we would recognize that we are falling in love with an IDEAL and make haste of getting far far away.

.................................

I've chosen not to list everything, because the list really is quite long.  All of these warning signs overlap because they're all connected, and they also share one key component: blame.  You will be ultimately blamed for every mistake, every problem, every single thing that goes wrong in the relationship.  And all the 'right' things, the seemingly 'good' things, well, those will be the things your narcissist will take credit for.  Don't fall for it.

Here's the part where I talk to you frankly, as a person with experience:

Look, I'm no expert, and I've no degree in psychology.  I can't analyze anyone, but what I can do is analyze their BEHAVIOR.  As human beings without degrees in psychology that's all we can do, it's what we MUST do; that, and practice the skill of discernment.

We cannot be blamed for what was done to us by a narcissist.  Their malignant self-love leaves no room for them to feel compassion, so they inflict pain, and they hurt us emotionally, sometimes physically, and they have no true self-restraint.  There is NOTHING at all that we can do to make it stop, to change them.  They are what they are, and in the RARE event they recognize they have a problem they can seek and obtain help, even change and become a better, kinder, more compassionate person.  But WE cannot change them, ever.  And we MUST NOT EVER blame ourselves for what they are.

My college honors psych classes didn't prepare me for dealing with this personally, but seeing a therapist DID give me a tremendous amount of insight, and it helped me understand what part of me made me vulnerable to these personality types.  It can help you too.  Why suffer when you don't have to?

Am I healed?  No.  Not completely.  I would benefit from finding another therapist.  I'm in a new city and just haven't searched for a therapist to replace the last.  But again, I also have been telling myself that I understand now and am okay.

But I'm not okay.

You see, breaking up with a narcissist is ugly business.  Not because you've broken up, but because you've broken up with an IDEAL.  How the hell do you say goodbye to an IDEAL?  You can't.  And because of this you never really get to say goodbye, to obtain that much-needed closure!

You can't say goodbye to someone who never existed to begin with.

Please understand that I'm not devaluing that person as a human being or saying that they as a person didn't exist, wasn't or isn't deserving of love, respect, etc.  They absolutely did and DO!  But the "Someone" I'm referring to DIDN'T exist, and that was the person who wore the mask, built the facade, then tore it all down because I never mattered as a person.  Do you understand?  It's not easy to describe something so utterly complicated.

I have to accept every day that I was just narcissistic supply to someone I loved deeply, fully, and unconditionally.

Still fighting to find my bearings in it all

Something isn't right.  "Something" hasn't felt right for a few years now, maybe since about 2012, maybe 2011.  When things break, the pieces often remain, cutting their way through the soft fabric of life.  I guess I'm realizing I was more malleable than first thought, and the strong, restraining hands of  someone I loved reshaped parts of me that I actually liked.  Not to say I'm not still in here--because I absolutely am.  Such is the part of me that fights like hell to keep me safe, protected from all the hurtful, jagged edges of what's left.  Because.. the parts of me that didn't mold to the whims and needs and demands of that person...shattered.  Where am I?

The barriers I've built around me have protected me in some ways, and they've also crushed me in others; Vulnerability is no longer something I give into.  Instead, I strive to be the strongest I've ever been, though it's not a comfortable posture for me.  So what of the discomfort, then?  It is what it is and it will remain because of my will.  It is MY will that allows or disallows what happens to me as a person, a woman, a friend, a lover, a mom... every facet that makes me who I am is ultimately at the mercy of MY will and no other but God's.  His will is ultimate, but my will is His gift to me.  And no, I'm not going off on a religious tangent.  I'm simply taking responsibility for the damage I allowed others to do to me, and also for my inability to completely regain control of the clanging thought-machine inside me that clatters on and on.

It's just one of those days sitting in the midst of one of those weeks in what I now call one of those lives...

I'm dealing with illness because of the unrest and DIS-ease I've felt for so long, with the majority of it beginning when I blindly walked into a situation I didn't want to recognize for what it actually was.  I fell headlong right into the abyss and hit bottom.  Dammit, but I should have had my own back.  I have a good understanding of this NOW and am being diligent, watchful.  And yet, contemplating what my life is now in the wake of the experiences isn't exactly pretty.  Not at all.

Nothing is improving.  My health continues to worsen, and all the tests I've gone through over the past few weeks, all of the tests I'm going through THIS week will tell me where I am in all of this.  While it may not be the best course of action on my part I will wait for the doctors to render their final diagnosis and allow them to push me in the direction I need to go.  I'm so bogged down in near-defeat that I can't seem to propel myself in the right direction.

I will let the current take me.

PART 1: I wasn't supposed to be... awake.

But I was... the entire time during the procedure.  It's not exactly the nightmare they make movies and write books about, but it more than surprised me, and it most DEFINITELY surprised the radiologist performing the procedure.  Really.  I was supposed to be asleep.

I arrived at the hospital yesterday morning to have a liver biopsy done.  I'd already researched enough to know what to expect, talked to people in the forum I belonged to to hear their experiences.  I wasn't expecting to be this surprised.  Oh, but I was.. and in more ways than one.

When the radiologist came in with another doctor to talk to me about the procedure, what to expect, how it will work, etc., he mentioned HOW they were going to access my liver.  Now, this is where the first surprise came in...

He began telling me that Dr. S wants things done a particular way and that the procedure I'm having is "tricky" because it involves entering the jugular vein and inserting a wire that will be able to reach the portal vein in the liver in order to check the pressure there.  He began telling me the risks to the heart and lung and liver.  I listened, but I was confused because I thought I was to be there for just the biopsy and didn't know anything at all about checking the portal pressure.  Skipping ahead...

We talked a little about the procedure, and the radiologist reassured me that Dr. S was very specific about what he wanted done.  I asked if anything bad had ever happened during the procedure with anyone he's done it on and he said that the only thing that has happened in his (long) career was one patient's heart went out of rhythm and wouldn't go back in, so they had to stop the procedure, send him to the cath lab to shock his heart back into normal sinus rhythm.  Ok.  Only one event.  So I said..  "Ok.  Let's do this."

The Dr. assisting the radiologist explained about the two medication that I'd be given, that I wouldn't be put completely under but would be unaware of what's going on and wouldn't feel anything, except perhaps the lidocaine they would use on my neck where they would make the tiny incision to access the jugular.  He said I would just 'sleep' through the procedure and would not have any recollection of it at all once it's done and I'm awake.  I was familiar with this because I'd had a heart cath in 2013, and ablations on my heart in 2014... so that twilight sleep I know about and have experienced.

...Off to the OR we went.

Once on the table the anesthesiologist told me she was giving me the first dose of sedation, and that it would be done in stages until they're ready to begin the procedure, then she added "The lidocaine may bring you out of this for a moment because it stings, but it will be brief."  By the time they were ready to begin I was loopy as hell, but I was awake.  One last dose was given, because I was awake... and I think I nodded off for a minute or two.  Then I was awake again.

Awake, aware of my surroundings enough to hold a conversation.

I heard the radiologist say he was administering the lidocaine.  Oh yeah---I definitely felt that.  But it quickly receded and I felt nothing in that area.

I felt the cath wedge go into my jugular, and I continued to feel it go down my chest, felt something strange with my right lung, felt it proceed past my heart--to which my heart fluttered a little--and then nothing... for now.

I heard every word said, heard the radiologist talking to the doctor that was there, even remember hearing him calling out the numbers once he began reading the wedged pressure and free-flowing pressure.  I remember the numbers exactly.

A couple of times the anesthesiologist raised the blue drape over my face to look at me, and I returned with a smile.  Then... they changed Caths and went back in to take the biopsy samples...

The first "snap!" I heard had only a little discomfort with it.  The second "Snap" was a bit more painful and I said.. "Oh, that one smarts!"  This was the first time the radiologist knew I was awake.

"How much did you give her?" I heard him ask the anesthesiologist.  "She's awake."  She responded with the dosage she'd given me, and he said.. "Wow.  I would be on a vent if I'd had that much."  He has a smile in his voice, so I know he was just joking a bit. Plus I was familiar with this radiologist as he'd done the biopsy on my thyroid nodule a year ago.  He's good guy, a really skilled radiologist.

So the third "Snap" I heard came with significant cramping across the entire front of my ribcage, where the liver is.  And oh yeah.. THAT one definitely hurt.  And folks, I have a high pain tolerance for stuff like this, having kids, etc.  So when I say it hurt.. I mean it.

Once they were finished they removed the blue drape and one of the nurses told me she was applying pressure to the little hole where they'd entered the jugular.  She told me there may be a bit of a bruise there and that she was sorry if the pressure she was applying hurt.  It really wasn't that bad, and I told her so.

As I lay there with pressure being applied to my neck the anesthesiologist came over and apologized that I felt pain and explained she wasn't sure why I remained awake.  I assured her that it was okay and that the pain I did feel didn't last a long time, that I was okay.  They returned me to recovery.

I told my nurse there what happened, and she looked at me as if I'd grown a third eye. lol  The other nurses turned around (my bed was right next to the little desk where all the nurses sat) and gave me a look of horror. haha   Hey, no events... so to me this was a good procedure.

I'll have the results in a few days, I think.  But I don't believe I have portal hypertension at all.  I believe Dr. S just wanted to make sure due to some of the symptoms I was having.  As for the presence of any cirrhosis... I don't believe that's the case either, or Dr. S would've seen the prominent veins in my esophagus etc. when he did the EGD a couple of months ago.  What I DO expect is to see  if NASH is actually present and to what extent, and if there is any fibrosis or not.  I fully expect the outcome to be okay, with perhaps  NAFLD or maybe NASH if inflammation is present.

Can you hear me?

Extending my trust to you is free only once.  After that, it's up to you to earn it again.

It never ceases to amaze me when T expresses his belief that he should have my trust whether he's broken it or not.  Disrespecting me doesn't make me trust you; In fact, the opposite is true.  Break my trust and it's no longer MY job to extend it to you again.  Yes..you absolutely have to earn it again.  Or not.  It's entirely up to you.  My part is done.

Trusting someone is more than just about not cheating in a relationship or choosing to NOT lie.  It's much more than that.  When someone mistreats you the trust leaves just as easily and abruptly as if your bf/gf/wife/husband had cheated.

If you play games with my trust--you WILL lose my trust.  Those in my past who have toyed with my trust, my feelings... lost my trust and did so quickly.  I won't be toyed with again, and I also will no longer waste any precious time or energy on worrying, hoping, or even working to regain that sense of trust of that person.  I've spent far too much energy in the past trying to find the why's and wherefores in the wake of someone doing something absolutely childish and stupid, something that hurt me deeply and destroyed my trust in them.  Life is just too damn short for that.

Guys, I will tell you this: If you're toying with a woman's feelings, her self-esteem, trying to get a rise out of her at the expense of her self-esteem, trying to make her jealous... you WILL lose in the end.  I guarantee it.  Either your life will be made miserable as you find yourself in the garden of decay that was once your relationship, or you will find yourself alone.  So it's best you know what outcome you're expecting, what you're expecting to gain by such behaviors.. before you embark on a journey you may not be able to come back from.

The other way to lose trust is by being indifferent.  Oh yeah, I know.. there's the "I" word again.  But this is just as damaging, because if you're indifferent to someone enough times they will eventually not trust you with their feelings.  This isn't unlike the mistrust you get from an affair, purposefully trying to make her jealous, and so on.  The only difference is that the response isn't going to be explosive and intensely emotional.  Nope.  In fact, the damage is slow and insidious and permanent.

Because of my past experiences, mainly the most recent one, I've little tolerance for those things that hurt me, make me feel less-than.  Life is an excellent teacher if you're willing to learn.

Oh, about that whole forgiveness thing... yes, I forgive and highly recommend that to anyone who's been hurt this way.  But I do not suggest becoming a doormat to that person in the process.

It's not just about what's happened, or IS happening

Moving beyond what's wrong to embrace what's right; It's what we do when we choose to survive.

Years beyond all of the darker relationship experiences I've had I still have to face those demons nearly every day.  Somehow I manage to keep going, though I'm afraid that the damage done won't heal completely.  I have to believe that this isn't the case.  But what happens when you know what you have to do to be happy, to thrive, and it goes against your spiritual beliefs?

This is something I now struggle with.  But it's just a struggle, and eventually those end.

It takes a minute

The weekends are tough.  Living with an indifferent person is difficult, especially when you don't have a space to which you can retreat and gather your thoughts.  At the moment this house is filled with boxes--moving time is near.  The new house is larger, and I will have my own space/room that I can use as I see fit.  It will become a place for art, contemplation, even sleep if I need to just be alone.  Well, there's no 'IF' about that.  Still, as the weekends bring opportunity for unpleasant events... I wonder how long this body will hold out.  No, I'm not being melodramatic.  As the situation worsens, so does my health, leaving me with little to no quality of life.

This past weekend wasn't unlike any other, just one more group of days where indifference and disrespect remain a solid foundation on which I have to exist.  When I try hard enough, work hard enough, I can get myself past the feelings that this brings forth.  It takes a minute.

Tomorrow I'm going in for a liver biopsy.  T's first question when hearing I have to have this done is... "Do I have to be there?"  This, like so many other utterances, behaviors, etc., did NOT exactly endear him to me (I think I said that right... so tired right now that I'm struggling to gather my thoughts).  I've told him bluntly that certain things he says and does, very particular things, are changing the way I see him, and the way I feel about him.  The problems are all rooted in a blatant lack of compassion on his part, and as much as I've tried to show him what he's doing and its effects on me, on the relationship, he doesn't do anything to help himself in that respect.

I can only do so much.

Is it up to me to change my environment?  Am I the only one who has to work to fix both sides of this situation?  It's all too familiar, really, and I'm not at all comfortable with it.  I've been made to be responsible for both sides of a relationship in the past, and it NEVER ends well.  If both people aren't doing their part it will ultimately fall apart.

That brand of emotional laziness in relationships destroy everything in its wake, including trust, including love.

Nearly every moment I'm striving to return balance into my world.  This is too much work for one person.  I can't, again, carry the entire weight of a relationship, especially when it's do damn destructive.

Is indifference, emotional laziness, chronic disrespect a form of abuse?  With the exception of chronic disrespect, no.  But what I do know is it's destructive to the person who is buried beneath it.

So how am I handling the indifference towards being in the hospital for a risky procedure?  Not very well.  I will be there alone, as he will be at work during the procedure and after in recovery.  On one hand it hurts my feelings on a human level.  And on the other hand I also see it as a blessing in disguise.  I will find a way to rationalize my way through this... but it takes a minute.  It really does.

Another hole in the head.

I need another blog like I need....  yeah, you know the drill.  But I suppose the realization of late is that I'm still struggling with old patterns, though the fabric of them may be different.  While I recognize 'overt' abuse, even overt emotional abuse, distinguishing between what constitutes abuse or not can sometimes be a challenge for me.  My ultimate goal is to finish what I started roughly 2.5 years ago...when I realized the absolutely horrific predicament I found myself in.  How did it happen again?  I'm tired of asking myself that question, and equally tired of HAVING to.  Such is the struggle to understand the very thing that has repeatedly tried to destroy everything I am.

Abuse, in any of its forms, has components that are insidious, stealthy, and the destruction they cause is far-reaching.

Working my way through the experiences is a goal, and one I've not yet reached.  The absence of closure, for one, and vacillating between understanding and utter bewilderment (even now) holds me tight in a never-ending loop of esteem-crushing confusion.  I'll be damned if I'm going to allow that to happen---hence, this blog.

I have a tough time keeping up with everything as it is, but after realizing I have a long way to go with this particular subject.. I realized it would good for me to have a place to express it all.  And maybe, just maybe.. I can help someone else in the process.

Here is the beginning of the middle.

I have to start somewhere.