Out of My Hands.

This isn't the first time someone has sought to control me.  One big difference with the previous experience with a control freak is that, this time, it's not as much abusive as damaging in more insidious ways.  While I strive for better health, reaching for remission of this AIH, striving to lift myself above the miserable effects of illness and its treatments, I find this mountain I have to climb isn't of my own making, and I wonder often... how the hell did I get here?

Point blank--when someone is dealing with health issues that REQUIRE certain dietary changes you just don't go against better judgment, advice, and information.  With everything I'm dealing with, with my BP skyrocketing into stage 4 hypertension (brought about by Prednisone, I'm told), you don't hand that person a bag of salty chips and walk away.  This is basically what T is doing.

How do you "Forget" something so important?  The deep-seated indifference has become a danger to my health now, and given that I can't even so much as walk across a parking lot, much less through a grocery store, I'm completely at T's mercy here.  I can't walk, stand, or do anything without excruciating pain in my back---something they've not gotten to the bottom of.  All we know so far, due to an MRI, is that it's NOT spina-related.  AI or what, then?  Doesn't matter at this point.  What matters is that I do the things I'm supposed to do to get myself well, healed, and healthy again.  And the one person who has most of the control has chosen to disregard even the doctor's advice.  WTH??

Bringing home everything I'm not supposed to eat.  Salt, sugar, junk, processed foods, and deciding that a piece of meat for dinner is somehow healthy... I simply don't understand.  I have to eat more vegetables and fruit, yet I can't stand at a counter long enough to make salad.  Ugh.  It's exhausting even talking about it at this point because I'm weak and having trouble thinking.  Where is this going to leave me in the end?  Destroying my health one meal at a time is what's happening now, and I have no idea what to do about it.

I've been here before, though it was much much worse.  Getting 'sick,' even with the cold or flu, wasn't allowed.  And if I DID get sick, or if something was making me less-than healthy or energetic, I was treated like garbage and made to feel horrible for 'daring' to get sick to begin with.  Back then, just a few short years ago, I had no idea I was dealing with THREE heart arrhythmias AND an autoimmune disease that was trying to destroy my liver.  I didn't have health insurance, and the clinic I went to wasn't aggressive with testing for most things.  All I knew is that I didn't feel well or was very sick and tired and hurting a lot of the time, something that my ex wasn't on board with.

You find out quickly who cares for you when you become sick.  Trust me on this.

This time around I'm with someone who emphatically claims to love me, care for me, and tells me I'm the most important person in his life.  He volunteers this information---I don't ask for it.  My last relationship taught me to not trust people, anyone in fact.  Maybe one day I'll get past that.  Maybe not.  I have no idea.  So when T tells me he loves me then sets out to undermine my attempts at healing and obtaining better health... it makes me not trust him, or his motives.  Echoes of the recent past have come back to haunt me, laying waste to so much I've strived to overcome.

I guess I have to accept the fact that in many regards this whole thing is out of my hands.  As long as I'm too sick, too weak, and too painful (lower back) to fend for myself 100%... I'm vulnerable and at the mercy of another.  And for the second time in my life the people who I'm at the mercy of don't really have my best interests at heart.  Well, T does... but fails to remember what's needed and necessary for me to recover.  I really don't know how to take that.

I'm heading to the other room here in a few minutes, my retreat, my decompression chamber.  The day is somewhat overcast, which will make rest and relaxation a bit easier.  There's something soothing in cloudy days.  While I need and want and love those sunny days, the clouds are still welcomed from time to time.

Another Day of Repetition.

I can't begin to tell you how frustrating it is to have to repeat everything I say, all day, every day.  If the room is dead-silent, if I'm a few inches away from T... I still have to repeat everything I say.  It's gotten to the point where I refuse to repeat anything and choose to let the chips fall where they may, the consequences of not listening/tuning out what he needed to hear.  It's a lot like talking to a child, and I'm experiencing an emotional and physical exhaustion that defies description.  My health isn' the only thing taking me out at the knees these days.

Respect is an everyday issue for me--getting respect that is.  I find it difficult to have a conversation with someone who is off in another world and on another planet entirely.  These days, I rarely bother to begin a conversation because of the hassle that's all but guaranteed.  I'm not trying to be mean or insensitive when I do this, and my goal is to reduce the stress and anxiety involved with having to repeat my words over and over again, no matter what the situation or how important the message.

Don't think for a minute that I don't understand that there are times when 'not hearing' someone is justifiable.  I've been there myself and know what it's like to have someone withdraw or become ugly in response.  I understand human nature enough to know that shit happens and we're not always on the ball as we would like to be.  Given that, a distracted person isn't always someone who's tuned-out.

Tuning someone out comes from a place inside that has reduced the importance of the person speaking.  I've had it done to me, and I've no intention to do that to anyone who's tuning me out (including T).  I do expect some effort, though, and after 2 years of this behavior it's time to admit there's a problem.  Accepting responsibility for that problem is also an issue for T, which means this tuning-out habit is getting worse and worse, and it's now to the point of intolerable.

Keeping things to myself; while not always easy, it is necessary.  However, it is getting easier and easier to just not speak to him about anything at all.  My recent past has taught me much, and most of what I learned while in the throes of disrespect, chaos, and out-right bullying and emotion abuse, etc. is that I don't HAVE to lower my standards when it comes to how people treat me.  "I" get to choose who I keep in my life, and it's up to me to stand up for myself when I'm not being treated with respect.  Action on my part is warranted, and I recognize my roll in how people treat me.  I've grown stronger in this respect; stronger, but not perfect.  I'm getting there, though.

We'll see how this day progresses...

We'll see.

Because I Can!

It's inevitable, isn't it?  Social networking is like trying to have a picnic beneath a buzzing hornets nest.  We know the situation is precarious, especially when so many have now succumbed to chronic butt-hurt, and yet we persevere, post to our little heart's content, and laugh at the wrath some things inspire from unstable people.  We try to understand, and some will try to edit what they post in order to 'keep down the drama.'  Thing is, the drama is on their side, not ours.  I mean, getting bent out of shape over what someone posts is a lot like being offended by the furniture in your neighbor's house... and saying so.  It's rude, and it's inappropriate.

So why do people do it if it's just going to stir up trouble?  Well, the answer to the question is in the question itself.  Some people are addicted to drama, and you can spot them readily because they'll be the ones complaining constantly, and in their passive/aggressive manner, about everyone else's "drama."  I know you guys have seen this.

I'm always a little amazed, watching them melt-down, lose control, judge others for speaking their minds, all the while trying desperately trying to blur the line between 'victim' and 'bully.'  Know the type I'm talking about?  These are the people who will call you an idiot while claiming they're above such behavior.

It's perplexing.

Here's the thing: Social networking doesn't come with a carte blanche card to attack other people's views, etc.  You have a choice to keep going if you see a post you don't like, and most stable, intelligent people will do just that.  And yes, there are exceptions, such as someone outright attacking, bullying, posting personal or sensitive information about you, etc.  I mean, by all means.. call them out on it if they do that, and be sure to block their sorry asses when you're done.  Nobody likes a bully.

Now, you also have to practice what you preach.  I choose not to comment if I don't like something, and I refrain when possible the urge to behave in passive/aggressive ways.

I personally don't believe we should censor our speech just to make other people more comfortable.  DO know that I'm NOT including bullying in this, because that will NEVER be okay.  Not ever.  But outside of bullying, we can say what we want, given it's within keeping with said SN TOS.

My personal experience in this current political climate has been that the chronically butt-hurt come out in force when I post something that isn't in keeping with their own views.  One person in particular has taken to some very nasty commenting on posts he doesn't agree with, and often it's simply posts in support of who my chosen presidential candidate is.  Now why would anyone have to vomit nastiness on a positive post?  Who knows?  Who cares?  My posts on my page aren't open to bullying and nastiness.  I will either delete your posts or block you.  Enough is enough.  For the record, I've not yet blocked this other person, but that could change quickly after today's nastiness.

When has free speech turned into 'free to bully'?  I don't have the answer to this question either, but maybe it's more a rhetorical reference than anything else.  Either way, some people really don't understand how stubborn I can be when it comes to another trying to control what I do, how I think, how I feel, and so on.  Yeah, I can assure you.. you really don't want to poke the bear like that.

Bullying doesn't work on me, and you'll find quite the opposite response than what you hope for.  But then, I think these types of drama queens actually WANT the drama, which is why they spend SO much time tossing insults.  Why else would they do it if that's the only payoff?

So today this person went on a rant, tossing in character assassination remarks and such, and quite a few at that.  But the main complaint is that he didn't want to see political posts and actually stated that if you're posting more than 2-3 per day that your friends are "Fucking sick of you."  Well, what he thinks was a clever cut down and shaming tactic I see only as a challenge, and one I accepted right off.  Today is going to be a day when the political posts will continue.. all.. day.. long.

I don't give in to bullies, who are really just cowards anyway.  My page, my posts, and anyone who doesn't like it can click the 'unfollow' or 'unfriend' button!  You can't bully me.  You can't censor me.  And you can't control me.

Challenge me, and you may be surprised at my response.  And remember, you can't un-ring that bell.

I also practice what I preach: if I see a post I don't like... I move on.  Having the restraint to NOT react is empowering, because when you do as that other person did today you show weakness, an inability to control your own emotions and behavior.  Why would anyone willingly do that?  There are venues outside of social media to air your grievances if needed.  Hell, I have blogs where I can speak my mind and get things off my chest WITHOUT drawing attention to the person I may be talking about.  Having been at the receiving end of abuse and character assassination I choose to refrain from going down that road if possible.  But I assure you, I'm NOT afraid to stand up for myself; that's a completely different thing altogether anyway.

As they say... haters gonna hate. ;p

It Was Real the Entire Time, and You Didn't Believe Me

This is basically a PART II to the previous entry, just in case you're confused as to where I'm going with this.  This week, particularly today, damage from my past has surfaced, and partly due to seeing my life in a different way post-diagnosis (Autoimmune Hepatitis).  My recent diagnosis isn't the only reason, but it's a huge part of it for sure.  You see, in my last relationship I wasn't believed when I said I was sick, that I was SO tired, that my whole body hurt, that I really just didn't feel good at all.  I wasn't believed, and I was scoffed at, mocked, and ridiculed for having the audacity to talk about my failing health, even blamed for it happening.

It began with a few issues with my heart, some of it I'd been dealing with my entire life.  Mitral Valve Prolaps, for example, and progressed to a degree that I now have moderate-severe regurgitation that has to be monitored now every 6 months with cardiac echo, and it was confirmed that the regurgitation has worsened even from a year ago via cardiac catheterization, where it was then still at the moderate level.  Now they monitor for any changes that may indicate I will need a new valve.  I was also diagnosed with Diastolic Dysfunction, Grade II.  Even my Hepatologist said, "You realize that's a form of heart failure, right?"  I nodded my head and acknowledged that, yes, I did know.

In 2013, in January I was hospitalized with chest pain, where they discovered that I had mild pulmonary hypertension and that the regurgitation had progressed to the moderate stage.

In 2013, in March I had a TIA (Transient Ischemic Attack, aka Mini Stroke), and then they had no clue it was due to one or all three of the heart arrhythmias I had, something that wouldn't be found until January 2013 after I'd gotten insurance.  I knew of one heart rhythm disorder, but I didn't know what it was called.  I'd had it since I was a kid, though.  It's called SVT or Supraventricular Tachycardia.  They also found Atrial Fibrillation (AFib), which they say caused my TIA, and Atrial Flutter, which also could've played a role in the TIA.  All of them could play a role, so I was told.

In July 2014 I had Cardiac Catheter Ablation for the arrhythmias and have remained mostly arrhythmia free, with the exception of a few Atrial Runs and PACs.

My symptoms over the last few years were often debilitating, with terrible pain in muscles, joints, chest, issuing and worsening weakness in body, and the feeling of just being 'sick' all of the time.  On occasion, and for a short time I would come out of that and feel nearly normal.  Then out of the blue it would hit again and take me out at the knees.  I didn't have health insurance so didn't run to the doctor for anything unless I was forced.  I had no idea at the time what was happening...

I knew something was very wrong, knew that the way I felt wasn't normal at all and more like what maybe a 90 yr old would feel like if they were in bad health.  No, seriously.  Not kidding about that.  But while I was in that other relationship I wasn't believed, was scoffed at for having the gall to mention how bad I felt, etc.  I was under enormous stress from that situation, which made things far worse than they really needed to be.

And yes, I was told it was in my head, 'psychosomatic' even, as if anyone in that situation had any degree to make a diagnosis.  My symptoms were waved away, dismissed, and ignored.  I was ridiculed and made to feel unwanted because I was 'sick' a lot of the time, and yet I wasn't allowed to take the time I needed to take care of myself, to sleep, to eat without anxiety or guilt, to just relax into my life the way others are able.

On that side of the fence in that relationship I was enduring a lot of criticism, and I'm sitting here today wondering how people, anyone, especially someone who claimed to love me.. could do that, to not be one of my advocates, a person who lifts me rather than tears me down.

The finding of AIH recently has opened old wounds, and I'm angry that I was treated like shit because I felt bad so much of the time, told that I wasn't any fun, couldn't keep up, wasn't worthy of his time, attention or love, not even worthy of respect because... I was harshing his mellow, so to speak.  How dare I be sick when it wasn't any fun for him?  Yeah, it was actually like that.

I'm sad too, though.  I'm sad because then I believed the lies, the confessions of love that wavered and didn't really ring true now that I look back.  I was left to feel inferior, like a burden because I couldn't put a name to what was wrong with me.  To tell you the truth, even had I known it wouldn't have mattered to him at all.  He couldn't be with someone who was sick, even if it were temporary.  Okay, so I really dodged a bullet on that one, I agree completely.  But did it HAVE to be so bad?  WHO treats someone like that anyway?  Rhetorical question, of course.

The wounds have reopened.  I'm sure it's for a reason, because even now I can view this from another perspective.  But it's stirring the gears of that damaging machine again, this I can tell you.  And I'm pissed off, I am, but I can view that as a positive in that here I am making my way through the stages of grief again, and maybe that this time I'll be mad enough to get right through to the end and stay in the mode of... acceptance.

But I have to tell you what it's like to have this knowledge of my health now while looking back in the recent past at the few who decided that I was either lying, or that it was all in my head.  I'm disgusted as I think about that.  I'm not impressed with the lack of empathy, how the few decided they were to put on their little doctor hats and play hospital with MY health.

Gas lighting, the dangerous way...

It has occurred to me, even after much discussion about gas lighting, that it was actually being used on me with regards to my own health, my body, and in ways that was absolutely NOT in my best interest.  Well, gaslighting is never in anyone's best interest but for the narcissist who uses that tactic, which most of them do.

I was ridiculed and scolded repeatedly, made to doubt, to feel shame about my talking about just how bad I was feeling, physically.  I was told and told it was in my head, that it was 'psychosomatic,' that a 'psychic' was consulted who said the same thing, that it was all psychosomatic and in my head.  I was told that and told that, and those burnt offerings were tossed upon me at every turn.  The result was intense stress and anxiety, self doubt turning to self-hate as I began to believe what I was told.

It was all wrong.  He was wrong.  Time and time again he was wrong, and those involved in the situation, in MY private life were just wrong.  And even now it makes me angry, though I wasn't angry at the time.  In fact, I couldn't even feel anger and hadn't for some time; another issue my therapist was trying to help me with.

They were all so very wrong.

Today as I feel the AIH symptoms ebbing, as I feel the side effects of the serious medications to suppress my immune system come on board, as I go for weekly blood draws to assess what the medications are doing to my body, as I look at the future and tell myself this is going to totally stop my liver from developing cirrhosis, as I look at how my life is radically different, how my future is uncertain, and look back at how bad I was made to feel over things I couldn't control... I'm both angry and sad.  And the little voice in my head just says.. It was real.  It IS real.

I wonder how differently things would have been for me had I not had the additional stress, anxiety, and resulting depression?  How different would things be right now with my health had I not been put under SO MUCH unnecessary scrutiny, judgement, and ridicule.  Would the AIH have been in remission and stayed?  Would it have come back as badly as it had?  Would I have had that TIA in less than a week after the big fight with my ex?

Being treated better wouldn't have cured the AIH, and it may have just prolonged the flare that would eventually have brought about a diagnosis.  But stress and anxiety DOES make AI disease flare, so it's best to be avoided when possible.  It would've been nice to have had that person on my side, to have been comforting rather than hateful, rather than judging me for being sick in the first place, maybe to have had compassion, enough that inspired concern rather than ire.  Maybe the extraordinary stress from the fight in April wouldn't have happened had there not been this need in him to hurt me repeatedly... I don't know.

What I do know is that I look back and feel disgust for a few people who decided that they knew my body, my health better than I did.

I'll get over the anger I feel right now, the disappointment, the confusion that seeps in through the cracks despite my best effort...

Today is just not that day, I guess.

Comparisons Only Do Harm

Don't compare yourself to others.  No matter how hard it is to refrain from that, most of us do that very thing and wonder later why we feel so damn bad.  We're all unique, lovable, deserving of respect, beautiful.  Now, even I don't believe this most of the time, but it doesn't mean I don't remind myself of this when I start to feel 'less-than.'  And if you've emerged from a past stricken and scarred by a someone who took great joy in comparing you to others, then you have a little more work ahead of you.

Finding out I have an autoimmune disease, in this case one that wants very much to destroy my liver (Autoimmune Hepatitis), has changed everything for me.  How I live, what I do, who I'm around, where I go, all of those everyday things people take for granted has to be approached with a great deal of thought and discretion now.  My life is different, but it's still MY life, which means I get to choose how to live it from one moment to the next.

My past contains enough sharp edges that, more often than not, continue to cut.  Not having dealt with to completion the necessary steps to find my way out of that past darkness does have its drawbacks, so all I can do is navigate as best I can in hopes the wounds won't be reopened, or even that new ones won't be created.  We can't run from our past, and I can't think of a single reason anyone would want to.  As bad as it may be, we still need to remember, always remember what we went through so we can recognize the danger signs and steer clear of repeating the same mistakes over and over again.  For me, I have made the mistakes repeatedly, but only because I didn't get the proper help to recognize WHY it was happening, and to also recognize any current situation that is dangerous to me, my spirit, my peace of mind, my life in general.

A more recent past experience still wreaks havoc on who and what I am, and it sometimes, oftentimes, defies all inner reason and threatens to steal away my joy whenever it comes.  I'm not in full control over this yet, though I'm trying very much to get a handle on things.  Working towards healing is like that, you know.  It doesn't happen overnight or in a few minutes, and anyone telling you that's the way healing works.. is lying.

The echoes of the past still whisper to me if I'm not very careful to replace that voice with another.  Someone I dearly loved and trusted betrayed my trust in more ways than I can tell you.  The comparisons alone were damaging all by themselves, and to this very day I hear those words again and again, because while I was with that person I heard those very words... again and again.  It's going to take a minute to heal from that.

"It's not mean if it's true!"  If I had a dollar for every time I heard this.

Even IF something is true it can still be mean to say it, comment on it, or judge whatever it is.  And you also have to know if it's actually TRUE or not, have the ability to recognize the difference between your OPINION and actual fact.  Case in point, telling someone they're stupid, a moron, etc., making fun of them either for their age, weight, height, choice of clothing, and so on... is mean.  Is is less mean to tell an elderly person they're "old" or "wrinkled" or even "incontinent" okay?  Is it nice to say it though it may be true?  Is it 'nice' to tell a mentally retarded person that they're mentally retarded?  Is it okay to tell someone who has a physical disability that impairs their ability to walk like everyone else.. that they walk funny?  No.  NONE of that is okay.  Nor is it okay to make judgments of that person when you're really speaking just opinion.  Keep it to yourself, because IT IS MEAN.

Enter the comparisons...

This tactic of a narcissist, btw, is a common one.  When you don't meet their overblown and unreasonable criteria you're completely fair game for un-called for scrutiny, criticism, judgment, and character assassination.  At first it's subtle, insidious in nature.  Later, as the narcissist becomes comfortable and feels you're hooked in, the once-veiled comparisons bundled with insults become bolder, louder, and more extreme.  Eventually, the comparisons will be point-blank as the narcissist gets more comfortable with the idea that he is somehow right.

You'll be compared to their ex's, family members, friends, or people they want you to know is interested in them.  This is across the board, btw.

I could go into great bloody detail with this, but not today.  I spent the better part of a couple of years trying NOT to be me at the insistence of that person, the one who criticized, ridiculed, then resorted to blatant attacks on who and what I am as a person.  It was a long, drawn-out event that had me scrambling to be, in effect, someone else entirely.  And the result?... disastrous.  Absolutely disastrous.  In time I barely recognized the woman in the mirror, and as time passed and the onslaught continued... I began to miss the person I was, because she remained beneath the surface, suffocating, crying out for help with no one to hear.

I'm still saving that part of me, still trying to heal the wounds.  And I still remember the length I allowed myself to go to in order to please that other, otherwise, un-pleasable person.  I allowed him to talk me into dissolving all I was.  BIG BIG mistake.

The physical effects began to happen immediately.  I no longer looked like the happy person I was prior to that relationship (for lack of a better word).  I could see in the mirror, and in photos, how much sadness there was in my eyes after about six months or so, but I didn't put it together until much, much later.  By the time I was shown what it was I was dealing with, so much of me was broken, shattered, and confused.  To this day I still seek to repair the damage, and I struggle with it every day, day in and day out.  And I still wonder why the hell it happened to me.

I have to talk about this.  It's the only way to deal with it.  In my everyday life I don't talk to anyone about this now.  In fact, I don't talk about it with anyone anymore, which is one reason it pours on the pages across my blogs, some days more than others.

Where do I find healing?  I know it's not in the form of denial.  I know it's not in the form of sugar-coating the experience.  I know it's not like I can wish it away like it never happened.  It DID happen, and it actually continues to happen still, because the way it happened, the damage it did, and the way it ended was insidious for the most part and cruel as hell.

Letting go:

What nice words, huh?  "Letting go" sounds like something easy, a walk in the park, a piece of cake, something anyone can do.  Right?  Wrong!  Actually letting go takes closure, time, patience, and a complete understanding of what happened and my role in the situation and in the healing itself.

Where it all falls apart for me is the mirror.  When I look I see that other me, the sad one, the bewildered one, the one who was taught to NOT TRUST her own instincts, her own vital truth.  That's what I see.  I don't know at the moment how to change this, and the damaging effects are still continuing.  I know I'm going to have to return to therapy, and I'm not apologizing for that, nor am I going to feel bad or 'less than' for that.  The situation wrecked me, and I'm at least smart enough, strong enough to admit that I need help dealing with the damage I incurred.

Many days I have nothing to say on this matter, and some days it's a flood of thought, emotion, and so on.  Like today.  I know what's triggering this, and I'm just going to roll with it for now.  In ways I'm still hurt that so much was ignored and missed and scoffed at, so much that's come to light over the past couple of years.

That's another topic for another entry...  Yeah, I'm definitely on a roll today... purging the demons.

Redirect

I need a complete and total redirect in my life, and I'm the only one who can effectively do this.  Yet, I wake up each day wondering exactly how to make it happen.  Today is yet another one of those days.

There are times when the wounds of my past don't haunt me.  I think that's fairly normal across the board, that there will be good days and bad days and days when you're strong or weak or unsure.  On the days when things are good I don't think much beyond what I really need to do in the present, getting well, learning more about what I'm dealing with so I'm prepared and know what to do and how to proceed with my life.

Today isn't a good day, starting from the moment I woke up...

T isn't the easiest person to live with.  He creates these situations that promote stress and drama and it's completely and totally unnecessary.  In the age of technology we have options for communication, and those options provide secondary options as to how we deal with people at any given moment.  When someone calls and you can't talk--let it go to VM and read it at your convenience.  If It's an emergency, that person will most likely follow it with a text or another PC.  If you get a text and it doesn't require an immediate response, or even if it does, and you CAN'T respond--simply don't.  Read it later, read it then, reply later.. those are options the receiver has.  Isn't that an easy concept?  I mean, I certainly think so.

For the better part of a couple of years now I have told T this: "If I text you with information you don't have to text back or call me right away.  Sending you information doesn't mean an immediate response is necessary.  Read it, don't read it, deal with it when you can."  I think that's a pretty clear indication that I don't require a response.  I've also told him if it's an URGENT situation I will call, and if it's an EMERGENCY I will call 911 (if it's me), or I will keep calling so he gets the sense of urgency.  Again, I think that's pretty clear, right?

So this morning I realized I'd forgotten to remind T about a couple of REALLY IMPORTANT matters, and I chose to send him a text message, rather than an email.  And what does he do?... call me immediately and begin whining about my texting him.  Well, alrighty then, Ace... you're officially on your own now, and if you mess up and forget to cross that T and dot that I then it will be solely on you, as well as the COST.  Don't blame me.

Why do people do this anyway?  Why not just do what most of us do and ignore a text when we can't deal with it right then?---responding to the urgent ones are a different story, of course.  Still, is that drama necessary?  No, I don't think so.

But now the peace and serenity I strive for each day, beginning with the start of my day, is shattered.  Not only am I stressed out now but feeling the physical effects of that stress, something that isn't at all comfortable when your body doesn't have enough cortisol (Prednisone suppresses that HUGELY) to handle that stress.  I just don't understand why people do this.

My goal is to regain my health and my strength and stamina, my vitality.  I understand that achieving that goal is a process, a mindset, and a choice.  I've chosen to take care of myself, but I break that promise every day.  Anyone who knows what it's like to let yourself down knows how far that can set one back.  But I forgive myself for falling short and move ahead as best I can.

A stronger me, a healthier me could handle these things much better.  I've spoken to T at length about AIH, the heart issues, etc... and explained to him what I'm dealing with, what the medical facts are, what I can do and not do and what I need from him.  Those conversations, btw, are completely ONE-SIDED.  I talk, he sits there, and he doesn't provide input, doesn't ask questions, doesn't give feedback, doesn't have a single thing to say.  Well then, okay.  At least he was warned.

You see, T gushes about how he 'does care,' how he's 'plugged in,' how he 'hears' me, and so on.  But he really doesn't, and he really isn't, and it's a choice.  He hasn't taken 10 minutes to read anything or learn anything about what I'm going through.  In other words, he's oblivious, and it's by choice.  He puts absolutely no effort into any of this.

....and it leaves me exhausted.

I've been down this road before, where someone proclaims loudly that they're plugged in and present,  that they care, that they love me, etc.  I sat mostly in silence during that situation, at least until the pressure, confusion, and the hurt tapped the pendulum and set it swinging back and forth between wanting to believe that but seeing the results match with the words.  That situation was also full of chronic projection on the part of the other person, accusing me of the very thing he was doing.  Here, with T at least, he isn't doing that.  He at least isn't projecting what he does, doesn't do, says or doesn't say onto me.  THAT is a major improvement from what I experienced in the past, but it's still not enough.

If all you have is refraining from hurting someone, if all you bring to the table is your body, if all you offer is criticism and complaints and character assassination, then you need to excuse yourself from the table and leave that person in PEACE.  T does try at times, I'll give him that, and he rarely criticizes me.  When T does become critical he realizes he's being an ass and eventually apologizes.

Here is my world, my life as it is right now.  Decay from the past stinking up the place, and an indifferent person who can't recognize how damaging and cold his indifference is.  HE is not a cold person, though.

Yes, I'm defending T.  He at least can see some things when I point them out.  Now whether he remembers the experience and learns from it, well, that's an entirely different matter altogether.

Today I need a redirect.  Today I need to find my direction once again.  Today will be one more day that I "manage to get through" because of sheer willpower.  It's all I have to work with, and it's a little shaky.  But I have to use something.  DO something.

I don't know why the past haunts me to this day, but I'm guessing it's because there was never any closure as the person I fell in love with never existed.  If you've read my other blogs along the way you would understand what I mean by this.  I fell in love with a man behind a mask, and when the mask slipped and revealed his true nature.. it was too late.  You can't say goodbye to someone that never existed.

Still dealing.  Still wounded.  Still lost and confused.  Still me in here somewhere.

....Somewhere.

Governing What I Allow in My Life

It's not a cliche.  When people say "It helps me to help others," they mean it.  Yet there is another side to that coin that few speak of, and that other side is the one that can set you back a good ways in recovering from your own experiences.  Yet, some of us do want to help very much, because we know all too well that we wish that someone would've been there to help us, thinking that if only I'd had the information THEN...

I know I've mentioned before that I stopped therapy shortly before I moved.  Being 3 hours away from my therapist meant, well, that commute just wouldn't have worked out for me.  She was great, and I appreciate all she did for me, but there were some issues with that therapist (not a psychologist btw) that eventually brought me to a place where I didn't trust her much anymore.  One example is that she told me that the heart arrhythmia I'd had my whole life, discovered as a child and getting MUCH worse as an adult.. simply was in my head.  As it turned out, as many of you who've been reading my blogs for a while, is that I had cardiac ablation for THREE arrythmias, all dangerous in that they can cause stroke and heart failure if left untreated.  I'd had a TIA (mini stroke) in 2013 (early) that should've been a red flag for the doctors, but not having health insurance meant I had few options available to me for proper diagnosis and treatment.  Still, the last few sessions I had with my therapist she'd mentioned that what I thought was my heart wasn't real.  Yet it was, and it was discovered when I finally got insurance and wore a heart event monitor.. where they detected SVT, AFib, and atrial flutter.

Moving on, I've not been back to a therapist since.  Not because Beverly didn't believe me when I talked to her about my health (because she ASKED), but because I just don't have the time or energy or stamina or strength to take on yet one more appointment.  Eventually I will pursue another therapist, because I've yet to find a convincing way to get myself past the damage done by an ex, a narcissist.

So be it.

At least once a week I search for new information.  Well, that's not entirely true.. and it's not really 'new' information as much as new articles, patient/victim accounts via article or video.  I'm looking and seeking as all others like me are for answers and explanations, or just a way to make sense of the senseless.  And when I talk about this topic, when I drudge up the memories, when I have to face it again... even if by my own choice... I'm still left with that unsettling feeling that I really need to understand, despite there really being no way to do so; this in and of itself is part of the damage.

And still I seek answers.  And still I talk.  And still I share.  And still I remember because forgetting isn't an option.

I am able to observe the pieces of the chaos and see the big picture.  Everything I went through had an absolute pattern, even if I didn't see it then.  It wasn't at all random, and it was very much the M.O. of a malignant narcissist.  Not having the knowledge at the time only made more of a mess in my head and in my life, which is usually the case when you've not been around someone like that before. Yet, I have been around someone like that before; my mom.  I won't go into that here, but I have spoken about it in the past.  At this time, however, it's rather outside the scope of what I'm addressing at the moment.

It's easy for a narcissist to make you feel unloved, unwanted, and ultimately discarded as worthless and of no use.  In fact, MY narcissist told me I had no use in his life.  What shocked me at the time was all the demands he made, the type of demands one asks only of their GF or wife.  I wasn't useful any longer because I'd stopped being his narcissistic supply, something I've talked a great deal about in my other blogs... because I'd not created this blog just yet.  Anyway, feeling unloved, unwanted, and unappreciated was the very foundation of my relationship with that person.  While pushed away, ignored, yelled at, yet charged with the task of holding the relationship together solely on my own, my spirit withered beneath the onslaught.  When you love someone you will do whatever it takes to make sure they're happy.  The difference between someone with a strong, health self-esteem and someone like me is that... I continued to do 'whatever' to my own detriment, whereas a stronger woman would have told that person to F off early on.

I didn't recognize what I was dealing with until it was too late.

For those who know, for those who've been where I've been, you know all too well how this thing plays out.  Bringing on the charm, saying and doing all the right things at first, looking all too good to be true, you fall, and you fall hard.  Not having the energy to rehash the details, I'll just say that people can only hold the false persona for only so long, and when the mask begins to slip... you're already in too deep to see what's behind it.

In my case I was completely and totally heads-over-heels in love.  I would've done anything for this person and ended up doing things I wouldn't' ordinarily do.  I'll leave it at that.  And it added to the damage in the long run.  Still, I didn't SEE.  Still, I remained blind as hell.  Maybe by choice, I'm thinking, because I didn't want THAT to be true.

As time passed and I was shown that I would always have to prove myself, prove my love for him, and then eventually prove that I was deserving of him, his love, his attention.  I was punished if I didn't do EXACTLY what he wanted, asked, or demanded.  I was punished for having my own mind and thoughts and wants and needs, dreams, passions.  I was punished by the withdrawal of love, affection, even sex.  Seriously.  No joke.  Stonewalling alternating with gaslighting began to wreck me from the inside out, and I was so oblivious to what was happening.  I knew it was SO very wrong what was happening, but I was told it was solely MY fault for SO long and so many times that I eventually began to believe it myself.  I was to blame.  For everything.

My character was questioned and criticized.  My body was criticized.  The way I dressed, the way I looked, how much I weighed, what I ate or didn't eat, how long it took me to get ready to go somewhere, how long it took me to put on makeup or do my hair or take a shower, if I needed to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night; there wasn't anything sacred and it wall fair game when it came to criticism.

This wore on me for a very long time, and as the years passed I no longer recognized who I was anymore.  Being told to change nearly EVERYTHING about me, then being told I'd changed completely and was as perfect a reason as anything to break up with me... split my spirit right down the middle.  I'd let this go on for far too long, and again.. because I didn't recognize what I was dealing with until it was too late.

Today I still deal with the damage.  Today I still look for ways to understand.  Today is a new day filled with beginnings that are often crushed by this undercurrent of doubt that I can't quite calm.  So I look, read, listen, watch, and I try to remind myself that it wasn't all for nothing, that I learned something very important along the way.  But nothing is really healed.  Not yet.  And this is why I talk about this on a regular basis, why I created a blog specifically for this purpose, this topic.  Because I'm not the only one dealing with this.

Sooner or later the scales will tip and my life will be back in balance.  It's difficult to obtain that balance when you still struggle with reminding yourself who and what you are, trying to split the lies from the truth, trying to put the pieces of your spirt back together again, and all the while trying to hush the echoes of hateful words that can't be unheard.

Living with a chronic illness doesn't help, but it does remind me how important getting your balance back is in the great scheme of things.  Healing the damage will bring ease to my spirit, comfort to my soul, and inner kindness back to the broken me once again.  It's okay to be broken, btw. Broken doesn't mean you deserve less love, less respect, or less opportunity to be who you are.

.... more to come....

Need to rest...

PART II: Never Mind. Seriously. Just Never Mind.

First let me say this: I'm not demonizing T.  I do love T.  But you have to understand that his behavior is destructive, not only to the relationship, but to me as well.  I've tried to help him understand what his behavior does, how it affects US, and how it affects me.  I haven't pointed out that it affects him as well, because stating the obvious is never going to get the point across.  He has to come to THAT conclusion himself, to figure out for himself how things affect him, etc.  I can't do that, nor can I speak for him or his feelings.  I've asked, and he's shared very little.  His choice entirely.

So at this point, as mentioned in previous entries in my blogs, I have to now focus on myself, my health, and getting strong and healthy again.  My life depends on it, and I'm not willing to give up quality of life in order to make room for T's ego.

How did I get here, and does it make ME self-centered to make myself the center of my own world right now?

Giving so much that you lose yourself is unhealthy, and it WILL empty you at some point where you have nothing left to sustain yourself.  I've given, given, given, accepted, self-blamed, and a plethora of other unhappy endeavors, thoughts and considerations until I really was left feeling completely empty and unhappy.  My attempts to fulfill T's needs without replenishing myself was the worst possible thing I could have done.  But I chose to do it to make him happy.  Over the past couple of years this went on--my giving, giving in, ignoring my own needs and desires, putting all I am to the side in order to make sure HIS world was right.  Now I'm left of what's left of the person I used to be, and trust me when I say I've been here before... it's unhealthy and destructive.

The dialogue began to change when my health began to decline.  Over the course of many doctor visits, tests of every kind, a few diagnosis and procedures... I realized that the person who was sometimes next to me was not only clueless at what was happening to me or how I felt about it all, but it was a CHOICE he made each and every day.  He would spend so much free time on FaceBook, picking away at his phone and reposting memes and articles and so forth that didn't enrich his life, OR our life together.  I observed this over the past two years and wondered, at first, why he didn't spend that much time learning about what I was going through, the sometimes dangerous and necessary procedures I was having, WHY I was having them, and what it meant.  Eventually, I asked him why.  He really didn't have an answer, and to this day still doesn't have an answer.

I had an idea that I would be going through these life events WITH him.  I believed that maybe he possessed even the smallest curiosity about anything I've been and am going through.  I was wrong.  So wrong.

What was the turning point?  When did I recognize the indifference full-force?  That one's easy.  The day I had the fine needle aspirate for a large thyroid nodule found during an ultrasound of my carotid arteries.  When I was told I needed a biopsy I didn't know that I would be going to that appointment alone.  This wouldn't be the first time he did this...

Transjugular liver biopsy was the reality check: Liver biopsies are extremely risky, and doctors have to seriously weigh the benefits against the risk before deciding on this measure.  In my case, not only was a liver biopsy ordered, but I had to have it done via catheter via the jugular vein in my neck so they could assess portal pressures.  Even the radiologist sat down and explained how "Tricky and complicated" this procedure is, then asked me if I had anyone there with me, or if I wanted to call someone to come to the hospital to be there... and that he would wait for them if so.  That's how risky this procedure is.  Where was T?  He dropped me off at the hospital for the procedure and went to work.

He dropped me off for the procedure and went to work.

As I sat in the critical care area waiting for the radiologist to return I looked around at the other patients there, some of which were waiting for their procedures to be done, or was in recovery mode. ALL of them had family and/or friends with them.  I was the only one there by myself.  Even the nurses kept asking me if I had someone there with me.

When the radiologist returned I told him no one would be there and to just go ahead.  He asked me if I had someone to take me home afterwards, and I told him yes.  One word.  Just 'yes.'  It's all I could say.

I was a little sad as I was taken into the surgical suite where they would do the ultrasound-guided procedure.  It was a painful process because I can't take morphine (allergy).  I felt it all and was awake.  Groggy, but awake.  When it was over they took me to recovery.  I called T and told him I was in recovery, and he said to call him when they released me and to meet me where he would be picking me up.  An aide took me downstairs to wait when the time came.  T didn't even bother coming up to walk with me.

This is the part when things begin to shift, when you see that person for the first time, when you look at them and barely recognize who you're looking at.  You wonder who they are and why you're there with them.  That's what I went through.  I wondered who this guy was who was, for the most part, behaving as if he were just some neighbor or something who gave me a ride that day because I had no other way to get to/from the hospital.  Who the hell IS this person? ... that's what I still ask on nearly an every day basis now.

My life became about me when I realized 'me' is all I had.  AIH, the lung issues (COPD), the worsening heart valve problem, the struggle with pain and other unpleasantness that refuses to resolve and stay resolved, all of it is MY struggle.  My struggle to get well; my struggle to cope, find answers, find strength, to continue to make choices based on what's right for my health and life.  In this I discovered that I couldn't continue to put his needs, wants, demands, etc. ahead of my health any longer.  I did that once before in my life and paid dearly with my health.  I'm not willing to do it again because, this time, the stakes are much higher.

I reserve the right to protect my life now.  T made choices as I gave him everything, as I put my own health second, my happiness last, placed my entire well-being on hold.  He made choices that benefitted him and hurt me in the process.  And he continues to do so.  Yes, I've told him.  No, he's not really responded with anything other than to feel sorry for himself.  He refuses to take a step back and LOOK at what he's done, what he's not done, and how it's changed the way I see him, and how I see US.

Been here, done that before.  I know how this works, and I know how guys like him think.  The more he pities himself, the more he refuses to acknowledge what's happened, the further back progress is pushed.  Now there's no progress.  Things aren't better.  And, frankly, I'm just too damn sick to fix it all myself.  It's been tossed in my lap, this stuff, and I'm not up to carrying the load anymore.

So every time I speak and he says "What?"... every time I repeat myself, only to have him retain very little of what I say, each time I'm sitting right next to him and talk.. and he says "What?" or pretends he heard me but didn't... I distance myself from him even more.  It's about protecting myself now, protecting my health, my life.

I absolutely refuse to allow another guy to suck the life right out of me.

Now when he says 'What?' I have only one reply:  "Never mind.  Seriously.  Just never mind."  T's response?... nothing.

So be it.

You have about 2 seconds before you get throat-punched

Just kidding.  But really, today is "Not mess with me" day, just in case anyone needs to know.  Prednisone irritability in full-swing, and honestly... the indifference and selfishness is grating on my nerves like metal nails clawing down a chalkboard.  OMG, someone kill me now!

On any other given day, under normal circumstances, I may be able to grit my teeth and work up some tolerance for the indifference and selfishness.  Oh, but not today.  And I'm freaking stuck here in the middle of it ALL... DAMN... DAY... LONG.  God, really, how am I going to handle this entire day without completely losing it?

I miss home.  I miss Mobile, AL.  I miss my life.  I miss ME.  I miss freedom, peace, tranquility, and the ability to breathe in my own surroundings.  O. M. G. but I would give my left leg for that life again... free from disrespect, indifference, and a general foundation of being treated like the maid every single given moment.

I'm on edge today.  Can you tell?

All I want is to breathe easy--figuratively speaking.  I can't relax.  Has anyone ever noticed just how much anxiety comes with being around someone all of the time who is completely unplugged, out of it, really rather... not there?  *sigh*

Please, God.  Give me my life back.  Give me my health back soon so I can get the hell out of here once and for all.  I'm not going to make it in this environment without spending the remainder of my life sick, anxious, depressed, and longing for a REAL life, a full life.

I suppose this is the first time I've vented to this extent.  I don't care at the moment.  ALL the filters have slipped out of place and the raw feelings are flooding through, unencumbered.  Maybe it will help.  Hope so.  REALLY hope so.

*sigh*

Dammit.

Coffee & Contemplation

Okay, okay.. so maybe there's a breakfast burrito involved...

I need my time to myself this morning.  T has a short day today, and while I love the guy... he's not the easiest person to be around, as you guys already know if you've read my other posts.  That being said, I'm attempting to get myself in the right frame of mind for what I know is to come over the next few days.  I'm happy that he gets these paid 4 day holiday weekends--he deserves it.  But when he's home it creates a lot of work, tension, anxiety in me because of his lack of drive, ambition, dedication... to getting ANYTHING done at home.  There's just so much to be done, and none of it's getting done unless I do it.  And let's face it, these days.. I can't do all that much. When I DO... I OVERDO, and it sets me back for days on end when I have to pick up the slack.

I need time to heal.  I've asked for time to heal.  Not that I'm sitting on my ass, mind you, because all I do is unpack, organize, arrange, put away, clean up, shuffle stuff about, deal with deliveries, moving boxes, and then stressing over the bigger jobs that are beyond me right now.  Things like a very large yard that needs serious attention, hiring someone to move the mountain of boxes from moving and deliveries (we're in a location where the city doesn't do this).  I feel right now as if the walls are closing in...

I need the walls to open up, which is why we moved here.  The view is spectacular, the neighborhood private and quiet.  And yet... inside this house there is anxiety.  For me anyway.  T could really care less about anything but his work.  All of his attention and diligence is put forth at work (desk job, btw, as he's a senior programmer and quality control expert), so when he gets home... bam!  That inner switch of his goes straight to auto-pilot.

If I were healthy and energetic I would simply assume the role of 'everything' here at home.  But I honestly don't know how long I could keep that up and be happy with my life.  I want a partner in life, not someone who uses me as a maid, mom, and general 'handy man' type girl.  I can't do it.  It's not me.  We're not in a Leave it to Beaver episode, and I won't assume the role of June Cleaver, who.. by the way was respected and treated well by her husband.  Given that, I am left to make the decision to develop my own life fully and totally outside of this relationship until it becomes more like an actual relationship and one based on trust and respect.

Bottom line here is that I don't trust anyone who doesn't treat me with respect.

In the meantime I keep on keepin' on and will continue to do so until I feel it's taking more of me and my life, happiness, and sanity.  Then, and only then will I make the final decision to cut myself free, to spend my wings, to gain my dignity and wings back again.

Praise Me

It's the sustenance of all narcissists, and without it they will ruin your world.

Giving praise to my narcissist was easy in the beginning because I saw this funny, handsome, romantic guy who said and did all the right things.  I mean, this is how we end up falling in love, isn't it?  We see their personality traits and love what we see and hear, and over time it endears them to us.  I mean, how can it not?  And I'm not talking about what that person says about who WE are, but rather those things that show us who THEY ARE.  HUGE difference.

Anyone who's been with a narcissist knows that they project this image to the outside world, and to US at first, as exceedingly charming, funny, lovely people!  We discover later on, when forced to learn about narcissists, that this is absolutely necessary for their survival, that they NEED that supply of praise and adulation, even worship.  But we also know that when the mask begins to slip we get glimpse of the other thing lurking beneath, the very thing that will end up devouring our lives, our spirits, our health and vitality, our sense of self-worth.

I still have some fond thoughts about my ex, but in keeping them within proper perspective I know those fond feelings are misplaced, misguided, that they're feelings for an IDEAL.  In many ways this discovery left me to withholding real praise for the person I'm with.  I have to actively participate in my own inner-functions, that is to say I have to be extremely mindful that I'm not purposely holding back for fear of things turning out the same as they did with my narcissist.

Oh, I do know better.  But my current relationship isn't without it's issues, some of them serious.  Be that as it may, I'm in perpetual self-preservation mode.  Not surprising what I've gone through.

My finally speaking openly about my experience with a narcissist has helped me tremendously in more ways than I thought possible.  But I've a very long way to go, and I'm not sure I'm willing to let go of those protective inner resources I've obtained along the way.  I'm sure I still need to talk to a therapist to finish dealing with the experience, and in time I will.

You see, in all honesty, I know I won't ever be the same person again.  Not exactly.  I can repair what's broken, but I can't replace what's gone.  And who knows, maybe what I 'think' is 'gone' is actually just tucked away in a safe place inside, waiting for healing.  I can certainly be on board with such a possibility, because it's far better than having to mourn something totally lost.

Praise.  It's not something I received much of in my life, especially growing up, but it was also something I never really needed.  For me, praise wasn't what I needed, but APPROVAL.  I'm completely aware of this, and I'm somewhat okay with that.  And I'm comfortable with GIVING praise to others.  It actually comes easily for me.  But what of the 'demanded praise' required by a narcissist?

Narcissistic Supply; what an absolutely ugly term to use on oneself.  Yet, I had to.  HAVE to.  If I'm not completely honest with myself about this, I'm lost.  So here I am, realizing that for the person I fell head over heals in love with... I was nothing more than that supply to feed his ego, his bottomless need.

When the emotional abuse became too much, praise for him became exceedingly difficult, then eventually... impossible; We all have our breaking points.  When my usefulness had run out, he began to demand praise--to be right, the authority on all I was and should be, or could never be, the walking encyclopedia of absolutely everything, the expert on my life.  Anything other than acceptance and agreement of all his criticisms of me was met with hatefulness, withdrawal of love, stonewalling, more criticism, usually ending in gas lighting to throw me off balance.  This cycle was never-ending after a time, and it hollowed out the vibrant parts of me with all its energy-sapping and relentless battering.

"You're right" had eventually revealed itself as the bitter lie it was.
"You're amazing" became a weapon he ultimately used against me.
"I love you" became yet another weapon to use against me, and he did it often.
"I miss you" was met with an ugly retort that somehow missing him meant I was "Selfish."
"You're so smart" became one of his favorite reasons to belittle me, with constant 'reminders' of how he was so much smarter.

He required praise, but it was usually tucked away in his arsenal to be used against me whenever the mood struck him---and it often did in just about every situation.

I didn't have to defend myself; but I didn't know this then.  And when I discovered my error in having defended myself for too many years to this person, it was almost too late.  So much damage done.  So damn much damage done.

I guess today is just a day when I'm finding I need to deal with this a bit more, to purge, to get it off my chest.

Now, some of you have asked WHO it is I'm talking about, which of my ex's... well, I'm not saying.  It's not about pointing fingers, but about sharing what I've gone and am going through as a result in hopes it helps someone else.

Now, on to eat some lunch....

PART 2: Your Value as a Human Being Defined by a Narcissist

In the last entry I gave a pretty long account of how I came to bringing narcissists into my life.  While long, I think it was important to define where I'm coming from in a meaningful way.  Hopefully I did just that.  Now it's time to explain how I allowed narcissists to define who I am and, which resulted in allowing them to define my actual value as a person.  Do realize that ALL narcissists do this, so if you're dealing with one you'll most likely see yourself in what I'm about to say; unless you're in the early stages where you're being put on a pedestal.

I've previously discussed "Narcissistic Supply" and what it means, but in short I will simply say it's basically a narcissist using another human being in order to feel superior, better-than.  That's WAY oversimplifying, but you probably get the point if you're actually WITH a narcissist.

NOTE:  You'll ONLY be valued by a narcissist when you're fulfilling the narcissistic need (aka, when you're actually and literally 'narcissistic supply').  The devaluation period begins when you're no longer that supply and the narcissist is bored and actively looking for his next supply.  This more times than not happens WHILE you're still with them, because they have to secure their next supply before getting rid of the old supply that is no longer giving them what they need.  They can't really be left without a supply of any kind so often, though not always, end up finding someone new (a replacement) while still in the relationship with you.  This is VERY common, by the way.

Clues you're being replaced as a narcissist's supply:

The signs are not unlike any other 'normal' situation where someone becomes bored in the relationship, cheats on you, etc.  But there are critical differences between a normal 'cheating' or 'falling out of love with' situation and that of where a narcissist is seeking a new supply.

All the usual fare applies here, with some uniquely different additions and twists:

1.  Calling and texting less/communication sees difficult or impossible, which is ultimately blamed on you.

2.  Picking fights, usually on a daily basis, often resulting in his/her not speaking to you for days (stonewalling), which is ultimately blamed on you.

3.  Constant criticism, which is ultimately blamed on you.

4.  Constant comparing and contrasting you to ex's or others the narcissist is interested in, which is ultimately blamed on you.

5.  Sex becomes something that feels 'unnatural' to you.  Now this is a tough one, because narcissists rarely ever have "normal" sex.  In fact, during sex they are usually disconnected and unable to perform unless stimulated in another way outside of the sex itself.  And outside of sheer 'performance' a narcissist cannot "make love."

But when your narcissist is looking for another source of supply the sex becomes such that it often leaves the 'supply' turned off, repelled, and bewildered.  This is a dangerous stage, because the resulting psychological and emotional damage can be long-lasting.  And like everything else bad that happens with your narcissist.. this is ultimately blamed on you.

6.  Demands become either more in number, and/or stranger in nature.  Usually this falls under the heading of all things sexual, but it requires a separate notation here because of its complexity in where it actually separates itself from actual 'sex.'  Let's suffice it to say that the demands for things such as sexually explicit photos, videos, performances, and information increase in number.  You find yourself barely able to find the time to do the things in your life that need doing, to take any time at all for yourself, to do anything for yourself, including relaxing... because the narcissist is, at this point, attempting to extract a supply that you can no longer provide.  Either your emotional state has deteriorated (depression, anxiety) to a point where you simply cannot be the plaything any longer, or if your self-esteem is intact enough... you simply WILL NOT be that supply any longer.  In both cases you probably have no idea what you're dealing with or how to define it.  And again, you will ultimately be blamed for the narcissist's behavior and increase in his/her 'needs.'

7.  Your time is no longer respected.  This is one of the hardest traits you'll have to deal with when it comes to being with a narcissist.  As YOU are devalued, so is everything in your life.  Your own needs will be offered up to you as 'selfish,' no matter if it's eating, sleeping, working, hobbies, leisure activities, your faith (church, etc.), and even your pets and family.  At this point your narcissist no longer really sees you as a human being deserving of respect, care, compassion or love.

Your inability to supply the narcissist's ever-increasing demands/needs renders you irrelevant.  THIS is absolutely CRITICAL for you to recognize, because if you don't recognize and deal with this (by LEAVING) it can destroy your physical and emotional wellbeing.  When things have reached this level of deterioration it is NECESSARY for you to get out!  You are going to be discarded eventually, so it makes no sense to stay.  Thing is, you'll probably not recognize what's happening unless you're made aware---which is what I'm doing now.  You will ultimately be blamed for all of this.

8.  Constant reminders that you can be replaced.  This is often said with a dark tone of warning, but it also can be presented in a flippant manner, both meant to hurt and worry you, to make you question your role and responsibility in the situation.  In a NORMAL and HEALTHY relationship the person who is unhappy, falling out of love, etc. will usually just break up with you and leave the situation, and they often will leave in a way that is as least damaging to you.  Healthy breakups between emotionally healthy people aren't HAPPY affairs, but a certain amount of respect is normally sought in the situation.  When a narcissist wants to leave, however, he/she does it in such a way as to leave you as hurt and broken as possible.  You will ultimately be blamed for this.

9.  You find yourself increasingly responsible for the relationship and shown how inept you are at the job.  This is really a killer of self-esteem and self-worth for those dealing with a narcissist.  Because narcissists aren't really people pleasers, they often seek out those who are.  They don't really feel compassion or actual love, so they seek those who DO feel those things, and strongly.  They also seek out those damaged just enough to be malleable.  With this combination, when the narcissist begins to look for a replacement for you (looking for a new supply), the devaluation period becomes fraught with many, many demands, often ones that are nearly impossible to meet.  And.. the relationship APPEARS to deteriorate before your eyes.  But it's an illusion.

The relationship, like the narcissist, was always based on what you 'thought' was real but was merely a facade.  Once the facade begins to crack and crumble away, once the narcissist's mask begins to slip and ultimately drop... the truth of the situation reveals itself.  Sadly, you'll begin to frantically try to patch the cracks and decay, to help the narcissist replace the mask you fell in love with.  This can never be done, though, and as the relationship becomes depressing, disconnected, chaotic, not only will the narcissist blame you for this, you will end up blaming yourself.  He/she has groomed you from the beginning for this very moment.

Over time your self-esteem was whittled away at, and at some point hacked away recklessly and with wanton abandon by the same person who once made you feel like you mattered.  This is the worst part of the devaluation period, a time in which you will ultimately be blamed for the hurt and damaged inflicted upon you by the narcissist.

10.  You will notice more frequently that the narcissist is accusing YOU of exactly what he/she is doing, often at the time you're being accused.  THIS is one of the most tell-tale signs you're dealing with a narcissist, btw---projection.  It happens early on as well, but you're in the throes of falling in love and being mostly gushed mover, pampered perhaps, and made to 'feel loved.'  Here is when, in a perfect world, we would recognize that we are falling in love with an IDEAL and make haste of getting far far away.

.................................

I've chosen not to list everything, because the list really is quite long.  All of these warning signs overlap because they're all connected, and they also share one key component: blame.  You will be ultimately blamed for every mistake, every problem, every single thing that goes wrong in the relationship.  And all the 'right' things, the seemingly 'good' things, well, those will be the things your narcissist will take credit for.  Don't fall for it.

Here's the part where I talk to you frankly, as a person with experience:

Look, I'm no expert, and I've no degree in psychology.  I can't analyze anyone, but what I can do is analyze their BEHAVIOR.  As human beings without degrees in psychology that's all we can do, it's what we MUST do; that, and practice the skill of discernment.

We cannot be blamed for what was done to us by a narcissist.  Their malignant self-love leaves no room for them to feel compassion, so they inflict pain, and they hurt us emotionally, sometimes physically, and they have no true self-restraint.  There is NOTHING at all that we can do to make it stop, to change them.  They are what they are, and in the RARE event they recognize they have a problem they can seek and obtain help, even change and become a better, kinder, more compassionate person.  But WE cannot change them, ever.  And we MUST NOT EVER blame ourselves for what they are.

My college honors psych classes didn't prepare me for dealing with this personally, but seeing a therapist DID give me a tremendous amount of insight, and it helped me understand what part of me made me vulnerable to these personality types.  It can help you too.  Why suffer when you don't have to?

Am I healed?  No.  Not completely.  I would benefit from finding another therapist.  I'm in a new city and just haven't searched for a therapist to replace the last.  But again, I also have been telling myself that I understand now and am okay.

But I'm not okay.

You see, breaking up with a narcissist is ugly business.  Not because you've broken up, but because you've broken up with an IDEAL.  How the hell do you say goodbye to an IDEAL?  You can't.  And because of this you never really get to say goodbye, to obtain that much-needed closure!

You can't say goodbye to someone who never existed to begin with.

Please understand that I'm not devaluing that person as a human being or saying that they as a person didn't exist, wasn't or isn't deserving of love, respect, etc.  They absolutely did and DO!  But the "Someone" I'm referring to DIDN'T exist, and that was the person who wore the mask, built the facade, then tore it all down because I never mattered as a person.  Do you understand?  It's not easy to describe something so utterly complicated.

I have to accept every day that I was just narcissistic supply to someone I loved deeply, fully, and unconditionally.

Your Value as a Human Being Defined by a Narcissist

In some ways I've avoided thinking about this, knowing if I go there I'll be reminded of how blindsided I was by my narcissist's intentions.  His intentions weren't evident to me because I was so completely thrown off-guard by the hot/cold performances that occurred on a daily basis, and in those times when I did actually have a few minutes to myself to breathe and think...I didn't allow myself to think about anything but the weight that was lifted off of me during the times of his angry absences.

This is the maze of confusion a narcissist creates to keep you off-balance, because if you ever gained your footing... you'd run like hell.

I'd spent the majority of my life re-inventing myself after events that pretty much left my life utterly changed for good.  Back then, while still damaged from the events of my childhood, and still WITHIN my childhood, that constant shifting of who I knew I was and who I was allowed to be didn't change who I was inside.  As my instincts as a child, my inclinations to gravitate towards those things I was meant to embrace, were thwarted by an indifferent and emotionally-absent mother.  Most other parents would recognize how significant my passions were.  But not my mother.  There was a perpetual "No" associated with almost everything I reached for.  I knew what I was, who I was meant to be, and it was a vibrant, bright and burning flame that remained within me for many years.  But it did die out eventually in my early teens, thanks to a mother who made the decision long ago that her needs were more important than her child's.

I was the last of six and born very late--an "accident" as she liked to call me.  I laughed until adulthood about being referred to as an 'accident,' like she fell, hit her head and ended up pregnant, something unintentional that would morph into a walking regret later on.  Still, not quite understanding what that word meant in terms of me, I continued to reach for the stars and fill my small, unassuming life with those things that would lift me, despite the doors she continuously closed without hesitation or thought.

She was my first and most influential exposure to narcissism.

I knew I was a dancer as early as age 4.  I gravitated towards dance, ballet at the time, and music like the proverbial moth to a flame.  I hadn't even started kindergarten and I'd built a fairly large collection of classical music albums of which I played daily.  I danced daily, despite the lack of any classical training, and I begged my mother for lessons...every....single....year until I reached junior high school, when I knew I was long-past the window of realizing my dream.  The days of dancing in the alleyway outside of the ballet studio next to my house were over, as was the begging and pleading and dreaming of such.  My dreams didn't die, but they did shift.

She couldn't say no to dance lessons in school.  And yes, back then schools still did teach the arts.  In 5th grade I was able to take music classes, recorder.. because it was the cheapest route.  The music teacher encouraged me to take up another instrument---clarinet.  My mother actually did, to my surprise, buy me a used clarinet at a local pawn shop, and I eagerly went about learning.  Within about 3 months I was asked to join the school district's 'honor band,' which was for those gifted or accelerating behind the average.  My mom was glad for me, but she remained pretty unimpressed and never came to any of the recitals.

As time went on and I couldn't afford to take my clarinet to get the required 'maintenance'... it finally broke, and my mom simply didn't pursue doing anything about it.  I'd gone through so many changes with music that my mom was oblivious to, even though it happened right before her eyes.  She never noticed when I'd bring home an oboe, a flute, a piccolo... she didn't notice that I could actually PLAY them.  I could play just about any wind instrument put in my hands.

My music teacher, recognizing what was happening with me offered to take me to a symphony.  It was the only one I would ever attend.. at least so far.  I was awed, amazed, and NEEDED to be there, to be a PART of it all.  But it wasn't meant to be anything more than one more door that would slam shut forever.

We moved to Colorado right before I was to begin high school, my clarinet was sold, and my dreams were forgotten and never spoken about again by her.  However, at the age of 14 something else came across my path that would stick with me until adulthood---bellydance.  This was another door my mother closed with a resounding "No," and I wasn't to revisit this particular dream until adulthood, when living on the Mississippi gulf coast I made my first trip to New Orleans where I entered a shop called "Kruz: From Morocco to India."  I was drawn to the little shop on the corner by the music pouring out of its doors, and I walked out changed that day.. forever.

This time was different, and I had no one but myself to close the door, and what I chose to do was run straight through it to the other side.  Within 2 years I was told by many that I danced as if I'd done it my entire life, and people began asking me to teach them.  I taught, and I performed, and my life FINALLY felt exactly right.

After a few years, however, I began to feel progressively weak, tired, and unable to even continue going to the gym.. something I'd done since age 20.  While I'd found ways to work out and exercise prior to that age, the gym experience didn't happen until 20.

My last day of dance practice, when I knew it was over for me happened while living in Jacksonville, FL.  My once 3 hour long and effortless dance practices dwindled to about 20 minutes, and I collapsed on the floor in tears knowing that it would be my last.  I felt it with all I was and saw the signs of it coming for about a year.

My gym membership was canceled, as the strong, vibrant body I once possessed was failing me.  Over a couple of weeks I could lift less and less until I couldn't lift at all.  The easy 30 minutes on the Stairmaster halted altogether.  I hired a personal trainer who, after a few weeks, said I really needed to see a doctor.  Without health insurance, that really wasn't possible.

My trips to the gym ended with me leaving exhausted, pale, and with dark circles under my eyes.  I would get home and sleep for 3 hours straight without waking.  Recovery from exercise became impossible.

We moved again, and I began to not recognize myself anymore, moving for the person I was with at the time, as his job required traveling.  I lived my life through his while trying to find my way.  At this point I returned to writing, something I'd done since early childhood and also was very good at.  I created a couple of web sites, discovered graphic art, web design, and created spaces on the web where my artistic needs could at least somewhat be met.

I won't go into the writing at this point, because this entry has already begun looking like War and Peace.  But it was something I'd always HAD to do, be it poetry or short stories, then later.. beginning novels.  This was somewhat taken away from me when my handwritten manuscripts (I didn't have a computer at first) were 'sold off' by a storage facility where our belongings were stored.  The guy I was with at the time failed to make the payments and didn't tell me.  Years of writing, and SO much more, were bought by strangers.  All my writing was gone along with years of memories in photos, art my kids made for me as they were growing up, and... my life changed yet again.

The chronic fatigue I'd found myself in had begun taking the creative edge off my writing, and about 7 years ago I'd written the last sentence in an uncompleted book.  I've yet to get my muse to return.

The artist within refused to give up and rediscovered something I'd reached for in high school---photography.  I was able to take a class, but my mother said "No" to buying me a used camera and, instead, left me to use the disposable ones.  While my classmates shared information about their impressive 35mm cameras, I simply hung back and clung to the camera whose only capability was left in the parameters set by the manufacturer.  But I kept trying, always finding things to shoot.  Getting close to my subject was impossible, and I had no control over settings.  Frustrated, I did not take another semester.

Fast-forward to now:

A few years ago I finally obtained a REAL camera.  I don't think I ever left the house without it, and I found myself loving the shoots I did at the local cemeteries.  Getting film developed was costly at the rate I was shooting, so I ended up with a used digital camera that eventually gave out as well.  That camera finally gave out and I obtained a cheap digital from Best Buy.  It lasted a couple of years.  I then bought a decent digital from eBay and... well, ended up having to sell that to my BF at the time so I could pay my rent.  Oh trust me, I've left off major life events in this story.  But in the end I was left without a camera.

I'd also discovered OOAK doll repainting, of which I had to give up when moving to Montgomery due to the health issues.  But I have all my supplies, and a brand new camera waiting for me to recover from whatever has been kicking my backside.

So much information, isn't it?  I know.  It is.  And what has all this to do with having your value determined by a narcissist?  That one is actually easy to explain.  You see, when the patterns begin in childhood, when your determination is strong in the beginning and hammered away with over time your sense of self, that balance in your life changes significantly, and many times, though not always, people end up gravitating to those who are most like that which defined us from very early on.  In other words, we gravitate towards those we're most used to.  It's our comfort zone, though it's never actually comfortable.

Over and over again in my life I ended up with people who would ultimately treat me the way my mother did.  Sounds a bit cliche, doesn't it?  Well, maybe it is in some ways, but I think that's mostly due to how many people actually end up in this situation.

PART 2 will address where this ties into narcissists and their need to define your value as a human being.