Autumn, Fall, Gilded in Warm Memories.

My favorite time of year is here, and I've taken the first steps to re-vamping my sites so I can have them live again.  A story, a memory, and a future-book, "Autumn Whispers to Me" will be live soon.  Until then, there are the audio blogs...

Screams behind the silence.

Be proper.  Be respectful.  Don't say anything.  Allow it to hurt.  Walk away.  Seek solace within.  Shut out the world.  Be careful.  Bury it deep within.  Try and forget.  Sedation in sleep.  Don't talk.  Don't FEEL anything and it won't hurt.

No matter what I tell myself the truth behind the feelings won't give me respite.  I've refused to allow myself the freedom of addressing what "I" need in the past and felt the sting of days and weeks and years lost, years where I was put on pause and left to wither inside.  Right now I can't say I'm doing well in that department again.  This time... I feel myself, who I am, once again collapsing beneath it all.

I try to remain as silent as possible, as still as I can bring myself to be.  That silence, though no one understands, is louder than anything they could actually handle.

WTF kind of life is this anyway?  None.  None at all.

---O---M---G---!

My goal was to try and feel better today, to recover or otherwise heal the invisible sucking black hole that seeps every ounce of energy I have.  My goal was very simple, and in most cases easily obtained by not having stress, by not having anxiety, and by not having to deal with begging or pleading my case to get help with something important.

The 'something' at this point isn't even relevant, because T is a repeat offender when it comes to the pushback, etc. that comes with trying to keep up with my health.  I've no one else in which to ask for help.  No one at all.  I'm exhausted, spent, and hollow inside.  Vibrance exited my life, not with illness, but with the lack of a support network.  Not a soul in my life in which to have a heartfelt discussion about any of this.

An hour into writing this T decided to pick a fight with me.  I'm not in a place to fight, argue, and have no desire to continue to do so.  At the moment, in this half-alive and spent existence, all I want right now is to have peace, tranquility, happiness, joy, and the kind of hope that brings possibility into being.

At the moment.... where I was once just irritated, I'm just empty.  Where in all of this is any sign of life?  I literally feel like a ghost walking the earth.

Where are all the gentlemen in the world, the full-formed males as it were?  Where is the guy that can look at a situation and see something in need of repair, correction, instead of just seeing something to complain about?  It took me at least a year to realize how much was going to be left up to me to carry this relationship.  I'm just not up to it, whether anyone likes it or not.  It's a no-can-do for me.  Plug-in or get out.

I did know a couple of guys who fit the description of "Gentleman" here in my time here on planet earth.  One of them I knew I couldn't be in a relationship with because I didn't feel anything 'romantic' for him.  I saw him as a dear friend, but that's about it.  The other is another story, but one meant for another time, another post.  But the art of being a gentleman is surely all but dead.  Few men respect women these days.

I believe taking a couple of years to tell someone that X, Y, and Z are harmful to me, pointing out behaviors that could be EASILY changed, most often without much effort, that could take a tremendous amount of stress off me and improve both our lives.  Not even things terribly complex, but things nonetheless that are so numerous as to when they occur to be a major problem.

It's time to crawl in bed, cover up, put the headphones on and listen to music---my most favorite escape these days.  I have no other coping mechanism and can handle only so much for so long.  It's hollowed me out completely.

I don't trust T anymore.  It's not about cheating, because he's not that type.  But it is about his constantly, and on a daily basis, habit of breaking his word, then trying to twist things back around on me when he fails to keep his word.  I'm not going to bear his cross as I have my own to carry.

It's been a shitty day for sure.  It's time I make today disappear into music and dreams.  Tomorrow means I will be alone, and that my friends... is a good thing.  In the meantime I will try and find another reason for getting out of bed.

Where have all the gentleman gone?...

The Art of Half-Assing Life.

I'm here.  I thought I would have to lay down and shut down for a while like I did yesterday (boy, was that something).  It's funny how anxiety can over-stimulate and shut one down in a brief time, and at this time I'm waiting for the shut-down part.  Honestly, I was gearing up for just a minor reboot, something I can achieve at times with just laying down and listening to some music for a bit.  However, that was quickly kicked to the curb by finding yet something else T had 'half-assed.'  Trust me, if he were a superhero like Spiderman, 'Half-assing' would definitely be his Spidey Power.

My mom, like most parents I believe, taught me "Anything worth doing is worth doing right."  Even as a child this made sense to me, so I usually went an extra step or two in doing most everything.  So how is it that someone my age, who claims his parents taught him manners etc, makes half-assing (among other things) something to strive for?  I just don't get it.

I find myself each day dotting the 'i's and crossing the 't's, things T leaves for me like I'm his mother.  And the worst of the half-assing is when it comes to a blatant lack of appreciation for something he paid money for.  Never mind, for the moment, the truly important things in life he half-asses.  Let's just stick to the material goods that somehow doesn't seem to be important enough to take care of.  And yes, this is VERY much important.

The sunroom here at this new house is really quite lovely, and through the coldest months and days (which aren't over yet) the boxes containing the large, round ottoman, the plastic bags that contained the cushion covers, and the boxes that contained the cushions sat outside and awaiting assembly.  I can certainly understand maybe not wanting to put everything together while it's freezing outside, especially when there's no promise of milder days in which to enjoy sitting outside.  But now that we've had a string of days in the high 60's and even mid 70's I didn't really see any reason to not assemble the patio furniture and make us of the sunroom.  We moved in while it was cold (November), and now it's time to get things put together.

Over the past couple of weeks I've asked T to put the patio furniture together--something that is REALLY easy since there's no real 'assembly' involved except for attaching the  legs to the base of the big ottoman.  The chairs don' t need assembly, and all of the 'work' involved is putting the cushion covers on the cushions; a relatively easy job for anyone who isn't sick.

I didn't get a chance to see what he'd done until a short while ago, and wow... it really looks like a 10yr old put the cushion covers on.  I mean, wow.  To be truthful, it looks awful, right there on the verge of embarrassing.  It's a mess.  When he came into the kitchen to get something to drink I brought it up to him (he's working from home today), and the only thing he said was... "It was kind of hard to...." I guess I'll have to have him bring the cushions indoors so I can fix them myself.  Won't be easy with all the weakness in my arms, etc., but... I'm willing to try so the foam cushions aren't ruined by being bent and twisted inside the covers.

Honestly, I've known very few men in my life that will spend money on something and not care whether it's going to be ruined or not.  In fact, with it comes to patio furniture, outdoor grills, and yard work... most men I've known in my life care enough to take a great deal and take pride in taking care of and maintain those things.  Why does T half-ass everything, including the yard work?  Well, I honestly couldn't tell you.  It's really a huge mystery to me.  I have to light MULTIPLE fires under his ass to get anything done.  I just---don't---get it.

I've begged T to hire someone to do the yard work, even had to beg him to hire a 'handyman' that can help me with some other things around here.  Why?  Because he won't do it himself without WEEKS of prodding (no exaggeration), and that's IF he does it at all.  He won't even finish the yard work when he does do anything out there, which I also don't understand.  It's not a small yard (the back is relatively small), but it's not a giant yard either.  I'm lucky to get him to mow the front yard, much less take care of shrubs, rake leaves, etc.  I just don't know what to do, short of calling around and hiring somebody myself.

This is really, really stressful.  Among all the other things I have to contend with, this is just so so so draining.  I don't trust him, because he lies to me, outright and by omission, and fails miserably to follow-through with whatever task he begins.  Oh, how I wish I wear at least as healthy as I was about 3-4 years ago so I could just do it myself.  I could get it done.  But I can't.  I just can't.

Men constantly complain about women "nagging" them.  Well, in MY situation, it's either nag (in this case BEG) for things to be done OR hire someone else to do it, someone who will not only get the job done but do it right! 

I hate to say it, but I'm poised at this point to take it upon myself to hire someone who can come here and do a few odd jobs, someone else to take care of the lawn that's been ignored.  T has made it clear he's incapable, and I just don't have the strength to keep begging and begging.  Shrubs that were supposed to be trimmed in the back yard in December or January are still untrimmed.

I'm the type of person to get things done that need done.  Everything from making my bed every day to sweeping and vacuuming on a daily basis (I have a Basset Hound who sheds), and making sure to dust (I have a bad dust allergy), make sure dishes are washed or in the dishwasher, cleaning the bathrooms on a weekly basis, etc... those things I've always made sure were done.  I don't like living in a nasty home and it becomes a TERRIBLE stressed to face a dirty house, sneezing and running nose with sinus headaches due to too much dust... oh boy, I can't even begin to express how it just wreaks havoc on my peace of mind.

I don't fault anyone for being a messy housekeeper.  It's not my place to tell anyone or judge.  But when it comes to MY personal living space, my home, and my health... I do draw the line.

For the past couple of weeks or so my eyes have been SEVERELY swollen with black circles, very dark black circles under my eyes, and crippling headaches due to allergy flair-ups that OTC Claritin has yet to even touch.  My eyes are red, itchy and sore, and I haven't had a decent night's sleep due to the congestion.  T offered to sweep and vacuum---which takes approximately 7-10 minutes, literally only 7-10 minutes, but he conveniently 'forgets.'  He forgets even when I've gone through a fortune in tissues due to constantly blowing my nose.  I try to sweep what I can, but it's getting where I can't do it anymore... and I need someone's help.  T promises to help, then he breaks his promise.. then wonders why I don't trust him anymore.

I totally understand oversight.  I totally get being too tired, etc.  But what I have issues with is that he promises to do these things then 'conveniently' forgets...for days and days and weeks.

He doesn't understand at all when I tell him I'm not sure how long I can stay here, with him, in this life.  He behaves desperately when I am blunt and tell him that I'm getting sicker here and need to be around people who care about me, people who can help me now and then with things I honestly can't do myself right now.  He says he can do it, that he cares, that he loves me, etc.  And yet I continue to get sicker with problems that can easily be avoided altogether by taking 7-10 minutes out of his day to help.  If he can't or doesn't WANT to help, then he should say so and allow me to get someone who can.  And yes, I've discussed this with him and used those exact words.

I've told T he doesn't HAVE to help me, that he doesn't HAVE to do anything at all.  No one can make him do anything he doesn't want to do, including me, and I have no desire to force him to do anything.  But it doesn't change the fact that I can't breathe, I can't sleep, that my eyes are horribly swollen and painful and somewhat due to my allergies.

Ever seen anyone in the throes of allergies without the benefit of medication?  Yeah, it's a pretty miserable sight.  And what it FEELS like is much worse than what it looks like.  I'm miserable with prednisone and prednisone-withdrawal symptoms, which include swelling in the face and eyes and many other lovely symptoms, so I do NOT need to add allergy symptoms on top of it all.  Prednisone helps inflammation, even that due to allergies.  During withdrawal from Prednisone allergy symptoms can be FAR WORSE than ever before, and that's what's happening now.  I can't let the dust etc. build up throughout the house because it's making things 1,000 times worse.

Yes, I'm upset.  I feel horrible, and much of what's making me feel horrible can be avoided.  Oh well. I guess I just ask too much, huh?

Time to ask around and search for someone who can help around here with household jobs and yard work.  I'm done waiting.... just done.

Dear God, please make me well so I can be strong enough to take my life back... even if it means leaving here....

Why Am I Here Again?

T

he question hangs in the air.  On a daily basis I ask myself why I'm 'here,' meaning in this life, in this city, in this place.  WHY am I STILL here.. is the real question.  Oh, I know how I got here; that's not the problem.  And in many ways I know why I'm still here, too.  I mean, I'm not well at all.  Not at all.  And it's not like I have a mom or sister, etc. that I can go move in with.  My siblings are just people I share DNA with.  I have nowhere to go, or I would absolutely go.

In no way do I take pleasure in stating the cold, hard facts about T, and there's nothing enjoyable about living with someone who is SO blatantly disconnected and indifferent, so completely tuned out.  So much disrespect, yes.  But I think, more than anything, that his diminishing what I'm going through is the absolute worst.  I distance myself because that's the only way I can regain my balance and have any peace.  I will continue to distance myself to protect my health.  It's the right thing for me to do.

I'm too weak to go into details right now.  Soon, though... I hope....

Life... or Whatever.

NOTE: This particular entry has sat in my drafts for a few days, a couple of days.  There are times when I have to ask myself.. "Do I really want to share this?"and the reason is that wanting to and NEEDING to are two entirely different things.  I have to decide.  I have to know why I'm sharing.  I know it sounds silly to some, but my choice in the matter is for a very good reason.  And today I'm taking the FIDIAW (Fk it, do it anyway) stance.  Why not?

Let's get on with it then, shall we?

There comes a time when you have to make a choice between your health and happiness, and the PROMISE of health and happiness.  Knowing what the difference is between those two things is critical for emotional, and many times physical, survival.  No one, and I mean NO ONE is worth allowing your health to be torn down, your emotional health beaten and battered.  I've been here before, and I recognize what it is, and I'm not going to lay down and let myself be trampled underfoot.

Overt bullying is easy to spot.  Narcissistic behavior, once you know what it is, can be easy to spot.  But there are other delivery methods of delivery when it comes to destructive behavior, so you have to be very careful not to fall prey to the guilting that precedes that behavior.  Those many-times subtle clues can save you a world of stress, anxiety, and damage; heed them, or pay the consequences.

Past experiences with a narcissist has taught me much; not just about what to look for in terms of what's good or bad for me, but also in my own reactions to the information.  I don't always practice what I preach, because I am human and still not healed from the past experiences, but I'm at least aware of the decisions I make and what they can and will most likely do to my ultimate survival.  Being aware is a good thing.

There is nothing worse than being at the mercy of another:

After my last couple of relationships, one that lasted the better part of 11 years, I learned to despise having to depend on a single soul for anything.  And by 'depend' I mean for anything, be it emotional support, love, companionship, or even financial help if the proverbial shit hits the fan.  Many people have loving family, friends, and/or a significant other who is there for them through thick and thin, and in those kinds of relationships all parties on all sides do what they do out of love and compassion, not expecting anything in return for whatever help and/or support they provide.  Bonds like that are truly a blessing, but a blessing I know nothing of myself but for my sons.  Thing is about having kids, even grown kids with kids of their own, is that you do everything in your power to keep them OUTSIDE of the problems and worry.  My sons would worry horribly if they only knew what goes on in my life, and what I've gone through in the past.  They know very little, and that's because I love them and know they would worry themselves sick and make decisions at their own peril just to help me.  No.. I'm not about to do that.

Being at someone's mercy when your chronically sick is worse than any other kind of dependancy.  You find out quickly who gives a shit and who doesn't, and it will usually bring out the very worst in people.  I'm finding this to be the case across the board and have plenty of history as proof.  Not being comfortable to talk to anyone about anything, holding back the truth about how bad I feel, what's really bothering me, that I need someone to talk to, someone to just listen without judgment, just to be gentle at times, kind... is really a hell on earth, I have to admit.  But then, this isn't a new experience for me.

As my health declines, as my energy wanes, as I'm completely anchored to this house by symptoms of both AI disease and the treatments, as I watch life rush past me while I'm unable to participate, as asking for any help requires begging, reminding, and the 'guilt' that's pushed at me for having asked, I long SO VERY MUCH for the freedom of being single, living alone, and answering to NO ONE at all.  You're probably wondering how I could live alone and not ask for help if I'm having to ask for help NOW.. right?  Well, therein is the problem I have, and one that is so much worse than the illness I'm dealing with.

AI disease is forever, but relationships don't have to be:

Wow, yeah.. I actually just said that.  I suppose I've been able to recognize that I SUCK at choosing which men I become involved with.  So it only makes sense that I stop choosing at all.  Oddly, this is the decision I made after my last relationship.  I didn't need or want another relationship because I'd had just about enough of all it entails and found the price (paying with my self-esteem etc) was just too high.  So if there is anything I can actually STOP that's doing me harm, why shouldn't I?  After giving my all in this situation and the last, and still struggling just to maintain, I have to wonder at the insanity of that choice.  Right?  It just doesn't make sense to stay in a situation that is ultimately going to destroy you in the end.

I have absolutely nothing left inside---again.  How did I get here... again?

Well, foregoing the fact that the above is a rhetorical question, let me just say that I don't recognize anything good or uplifting in staying here.  I've developed an unwillingness to sacrifice myself again, and maybe because there's still a tiny part of me that clings to hope about some kind of future.  Whatever it is, it's a loud and urgent voice warning me to beware of who I give my power to.

I feel the need to distance myself.

This is also something quite familiar, a reaction I recognize as an act of necessary self-preservation.  My need to retreat, the need to just sink into some safe place where I can heal, be at peace, and turn my thoughts and energy to the possibility of having a much better life, a healthier life, by finding my way out.  This could just be wishful thinking, too...

What Will it Take?

The daily battle of ripping myself out of the 'homesick' feelings is exhausting.  It's not like every waking minute is filled with dreams of how life was a couple of years ago when I lived in Mobile, when it was just myself and my pets.  And don't for a minute think that was a lonely life.  I mean, sure, it was a little lonely at times, but it was peaceful having only myself to contend with and not another soul to judge, make me feel bad, make me question myself, and the only sources of stress and anxiety were actual NORMAL stressors that most people have to deal with.  Life--was just simpler then.

I don't for a minute regret this life I'm in now.  Well, maybe I have a couple of times.  But I know that there are good things that came from my choices to be with T, to live HERE instead of where I really consider 'home' (Mobile, AL).  I get where I was and where I am and how I got here.  I feel the appreciation for the things that make life better.  I also understand what it is about this life that really isn't at all good for me.  In fact, I'm extremely clear on what's not working for me here.

My hands are tied at the moment by Autoimmune disease(s) and the effects of the medications that are necessary for remission.  There's a reason I'm here, right now, exactly where I am and under what circumstances.  Though I don't pretend to understand it all, I know that whatever my purpose is here is somehow necessary.  It's the only thing I can say on that matter.  In the great scheme of things, as the situation is what it is, a very cautious part of me is watching how much stress my body and spirit can handle and looking for signs that things need to change, and change immediately.  No reason to be blind, because it could cost me everything.  And I mean everything.

When I look at my surroundings now I'm not sure how I feel.  I like the house, the location, and the view is spectacular.  But the biggest influence in my surroundings is T, and he's chronically unplugged, indifferent, and rarely can see, hear, interact or connect with anything outside of his own skin.  That's a big problem for me.  I'm down to disconnecting entirely so I have the freedom to take care of myself above and beyond him.  He's healthy and grown and fully capable of taking care of himself.  He's off in his own world most of the time anyway.

I'm going to have to call it quits here for now.  My body is urging me to step away from the computer,  that it's past time to stop and rest.  Oh, but I've learned the hard way that ignoring those signals is a VERY bad idea.

Finding Me

I'm not lost.  I'm not invisible, though I FEEL that way most of the time.  I know who I am, for the most part.  I can look at my life objectively and see where I've gone terribly wrong.  I have a sense now of protecting my health, my sanity, my life, and I won't allow anyone to derail that.  I've come a very, very long way.

I have a purpose just like any other, and a couple of relationship experiences has taught me that I can't lose sight of the fact that I don't need anyone else telling me I'm worthwhile.  Selfish people will spend a LOT of time telling you you're not worthwhile, not worth their time, effort, love.  And why do we allow this?  The answer to that is different for every person, but the one thing that we all have in common is the TYPE person we chose to bring into our lives.

I'm right here, right now, alive and feeling; I've always been here.  Though a couple of people I had in my life tried frantically to diminish who and what I am, and they nearly succeeded, they FAILED.  I know this because I was able to finally walk away from the situation and felt that terrible, heavy weight lift as I did so.  Even in the absence of real closure I know I saved myself by steering clear.

This situation I'm in now with my health is a big uncertainty in my life and I have to accept that.  I have no idea, going forward, what to expect and have to take things one day at a time, literally.  What little energy I have can't be spent on yet another person who doesn't have my best interests at heart or in mind.  Now, on the surface that may sound selfish, but since my health and life are at stake.. I can't leave anything to chance, nor can I just pour my life and future into someone else the way I had in the past.  There's nothing selfish about taking care of myself, and it's taken me a couple of years to actually believe this.

I don't care if anyone thinks I'm selfish right now.  I do all I can for others as much as my energy and health will allow.  The people who love me understand.  And the people, past and present, who don't love me don't understand at all and stand in judgment.  Thankfully, the numbers in that particular group are ridiculously small.

This is not the time for me to turn my focus away from the very real AI disease(s) I'm dealing with.  Both the one confirmed and the one yet-to-be-confirmed are very serious and require life-long treatment.  No one has given me a prognosis, because there's really no way to at this point.  No one can guarantee me anything, and what they're left with is telling me the possibilities as far as what my life expectancy is WITH and WITHOUT treatment.  I've started treatment, as you guys know.  I've begun that journey, but it's going a lot slower than anticipated.  Still, my odds with treatment are far better than without.  Even knowing THAT I'm given NO guarantees of what will be a year from now, 5 years from now, or even next month.

All I can do is take very good care of myself and avoid stress and anxiety.  And herein lies the biggest problem--my life with T, my past that haunts me... all bring stress and anxiety in like a flood.  Not 24/7.. but enough to make each day just one more opportunity to work my way past that.

Finding myself sounds so damn cliche, and so much so that I cringe just thinking those words.  But it's something I can't ignore.  I'm here, but I don't recognize the person in the mirror, the sick person with the dark circles under the eyes, etc.  It's okay, though.  I know and understand the drill.  That sick person in the mirror needs TLC, patience, understanding, and love.  I'm really pretty much the only one that can provide that.  It's still me in there, looking back...


It's still me in there looking back....

Irrelevance

Choosing what's important from day to day can be a problem for me.  I mean, when situations reveal themselves I then have the opportunity to choose where within the timeline of importance it needs to be... for me anyway.  Why, then, is it that so much ends up being tossed into the box of irrelevance?  Does the hierarchy of meaningful events and such mean anything at all anymore?  Or is it that this lowered quality of life dictates what importance is placed on any given thing on any given day?  Could it be that I've really lost that much control already?

Sitting at my computer is hardly being productive.  Being this sick all of the time makes it impossible to be productive.  And the waning importance of BEING productive tells me that the changes I'm enduring in my life cannot be ignored.  And yet here I am weighing the benefits to risk ratio against a timeline I can't even see anymore.

You have about 2 seconds before you get throat-punched

Just kidding.  But really, today is "Not mess with me" day, just in case anyone needs to know.  Prednisone irritability in full-swing, and honestly... the indifference and selfishness is grating on my nerves like metal nails clawing down a chalkboard.  OMG, someone kill me now!

On any other given day, under normal circumstances, I may be able to grit my teeth and work up some tolerance for the indifference and selfishness.  Oh, but not today.  And I'm freaking stuck here in the middle of it ALL... DAMN... DAY... LONG.  God, really, how am I going to handle this entire day without completely losing it?

I miss home.  I miss Mobile, AL.  I miss my life.  I miss ME.  I miss freedom, peace, tranquility, and the ability to breathe in my own surroundings.  O. M. G. but I would give my left leg for that life again... free from disrespect, indifference, and a general foundation of being treated like the maid every single given moment.

I'm on edge today.  Can you tell?

All I want is to breathe easy--figuratively speaking.  I can't relax.  Has anyone ever noticed just how much anxiety comes with being around someone all of the time who is completely unplugged, out of it, really rather... not there?  *sigh*

Please, God.  Give me my life back.  Give me my health back soon so I can get the hell out of here once and for all.  I'm not going to make it in this environment without spending the remainder of my life sick, anxious, depressed, and longing for a REAL life, a full life.

I suppose this is the first time I've vented to this extent.  I don't care at the moment.  ALL the filters have slipped out of place and the raw feelings are flooding through, unencumbered.  Maybe it will help.  Hope so.  REALLY hope so.

*sigh*

Dammit.