Autumn, Fall, Gilded in Warm Memories.

My favorite time of year is here, and I've taken the first steps to re-vamping my sites so I can have them live again.  A story, a memory, and a future-book, "Autumn Whispers to Me" will be live soon.  Until then, there are the audio blogs...

A Few Precious Minutes to Myself

People sometimes want what they don't have, covet what they will never have, and forget to appreciate the important things they're almost guaranteed.  Why does this happen?  I can't speak for everyone and won't try to, but I do know ALL of us fall prey to this.  And if you're one of the few who think you don't.. I would suggest taking a few steps back and looking good and long at your life, because you may just be missing out in ways you never even realized.

We get too close to see the big picture.

It's not like I can't admit to over-scrutinizing my life and everything in it.  It's where I am at the moment, always in that mode of trying to figure things out and understand.  The whole understanding this is part of who I am, and yes... I can over-think things because of this.  It's okay, though, because eventually I discard the deadwood information I glean from digging in too deep.  It's a bit like cleaning house.  Seriously, if you look too closely for dust.. you're going to find it.  Yeah, you know what I mean.

I spend my insomniac nights over-thinking in order to try and solve problems.  It doesn't work.  I know it doesn't work.  But I do it anyway.  And I shouldn't, really, because it just makes me freaking tired.  Okay, so where am I going with this?....

Alone time.  Me time.  Just time to myself to sort through the muddle that's my life right now has become as important as sleep, as breathing.. because I'm finding that in that space, while I can actually take a breath and breathe, think, and allow the quiet outside to seep in a bit, I feel better.  No really, I just feel better in that state.  Maybe it's the whole needing to hang on to my independence thing, not sure.  But it doesn't matter the why as much as it matters what good it does to my soul, my spirit, my being..to simply have the time to take to regroup and heal inside and out.  It's hard to explain that last part, so I'm not going to try.  Many of you may already understand what I mean.

This morning, on a Saturday, I'm able to take time to just drink coffee, read a bit online, listen to the absolute quiet.  I hear the heater running, a ticking clock in the breakfast nook, the wind when it rushes through the big trees outside.  I hear all of this and know it's all about 'the still.'

I'm appreciative for these rare and precious moments when I have less pain, when the depression isn't taking hold, when I can sit and drink coffee and just... be... me.  Life will return shortly, and everything will change.  I'm hoping that this weekend will be peaceful and not filled with my chasing life while it dashes and darts away just out of reach.

In the meantime, as I sit here in the quiet, my past history visits.  This time, however, I'm not shaken by any of it and can simply look at what was and see it as.. 'what was.'

I'm not controlled by anyone anymore, and that gives me peace.

I don't have to use every single ounce of my energy trying to please another person, and that gives me peace.

I don't have to meet anyone's demands, and that gives me peace.

I can say "NO" to that which harms me, including people, and that gives me peace.

I don't need anyone to tell me I'm okay, or loved, or liked, etc, and that gives me peace.

I can take care of myself without guilt, and that gives me peace.

I don't have to ask permission for anything, and that gives me peace.

I can listen to my instincts and follow them, and that gives me peace.

My know my choices are mine, and that gives me peace.

I have found my voice, and that gives me peace.

I can speak my mind, my truth, out loud, and that gives me peace.

I don't have to explain myself unless I choose to, and that gives me peace.

I don't have to cater to another, and that gives me peace.

I choose to not be bullied, and that gives me peace.

I can stand up for myself without guilt, and that gives me peace.

I don't have to listen, take, or act on advice I know isn't good for me, and that gives me peace.

There is a long list of things that give me peace, and while my life isn't perfect (and NO ONE'S ever will be, including mine) it's still MY LIFE.  MY life.  So in this imperfection of life I know things won't always be rainbows and sunshine and butterflies (well, maybe butterflies).  I accept the reality of reality and can choose to live accordingly.  I can make these choices because I broke free from a relationship that sought to destroy all I am.  While I didn't come out of the station unscathed, I walked away with enough of myself to know I'm healing JUST by making that exit.  I walked right out of the dark and into life.

In the still I can sometimes see better, think more clearly, and take an inventory of what should be kept and what should be discarded or changed.  This isn't a bad thing, btw.  I realize what I need to work on.  I'm aware of those things that I need to change.

I'm not going to be anything but myself.  Gone are the days when I try to reinvent myself for another person.  And trust me, the whole 'reinventing' oneself thing isn't a bad thing as along as we remember to still be ourselves while making those changes.  Trying to be anything or anyone else is a total recipe for disaster.  I tried it to suit another and am still paying the price for that huge mistake.

Don't ever let anyone tell you to change who you are.  Take it from me, someone who's tried that, it will only wreck you.  The only thing you really need to remember when someone is trying to change you, insisting you change, is how that demand makes you FEEL.  If it feels wrong, it is.  Self-doubt isn't good either, and anyone who instills doubt within you by their words, their actions, their demands are simply trying to make THEIR life better while destroying yours.  Appreciate the person you are.

Appreciate the person you are.  This means, appreciate everything about you, the good, the bad, the kooky, whatever it is that's inherently you, appreciate it all.  Change those things that YOU see needs changing.  Listen to input from those who actually love you and hold your best interests in mind when they speak.

One more cup of coffee...

Labs Post-Prednisone & Azathioprine

So looks like another medication is being added to the list--Lasix, a water pill.  This is needed to reduce the amount of EXCESSIVE water retention caused by the Prednisone.  I'm really glad to know about this addition, though it's going to be rough heading to the bathroom constantly.  Oh... but I'm SO very glad to do so!  You've NO idea.  But there is other news as well...

Liver enzymes: At the start my liver enzymes (which is NOT a liver function test) were elevated some 7-8 times that of normal, depending on which end of normal you do the math from.  Considered by the doctors I saw these were considered "significantly elevated."  Some people have way more elevation than that, but apparently research says that the actual numbers don't always indicate prognosis or how significant the disease is at the time of diagnosis.  But today, thankfully, I'm told that the one enzyme that is still elevated is only elevated by a little now and "Much better than where it was before." YAY!!  That's good news!

While I have to wait to get the labs actually in my hand to SEE them, I was also told that some tests came back showing mild muscle inflammation.  Not sure which test that was, but it doesn't really surprise me.  I have labs rechecked next Monday also in order to make sure the Azathioprine is helping, and not hurting things.

Good news, right!? :D  And hey, as long as those numbers go down and into the normal range, I can deal with some side effects from Azathioprine.  I mean, as we go along this journey the prednisone will be tapered... and THAT is DEFINITELY a good thing!  Not treating AIH means possible progression to cirrhosis.  Only thing statistics say about this that I don't like much is that 80% of people who go OFF medication to control AIH have a flare up within 1-2 years, and it often comes with the nasty addition of fibrosis or cirrhosis.  Yeah, I'm okay with medication inconveniences over death, thank you. ;)

So what's the deal with muscle inflammation?  I've no idea.  Guess that may be addressed next... we'll see.

How's that for some good news? :D

For those who've left comments here... THANK YOU!

So it seems comment notifications haven't been working in a VERY long time, so if you've left comments and I didn't reply please know it's because I didn't realize anyone had left any.  Blogger seems to have fixed this.. for now.

I appreciate everyone's feedback, more than I can find words to describe really.  I guess, with the exception of those I know 'in person,' or those who contact me via social networking or email, etc., I often wonder if I'm just shouting or whispering into the wind here.

It was my hope that sharing my own experiences would help others, or make people laugh, or think... well, then it's all well worth it, especially with regards to "This Free Spirit," which was created to help work my way to a healing place post-abuse and hoping to help others along the way know they're not alone.

So again, if you've left comments on any of the entries on any of the blogs and I haven't respond.. I will.  And hopefully Blogger's notification system re comments will continue to work!

Blessings and thanks to all of you...