Coffee & Contemplation

Okay, okay.. so maybe there's a breakfast burrito involved...

I need my time to myself this morning.  T has a short day today, and while I love the guy... he's not the easiest person to be around, as you guys already know if you've read my other posts.  That being said, I'm attempting to get myself in the right frame of mind for what I know is to come over the next few days.  I'm happy that he gets these paid 4 day holiday weekends--he deserves it.  But when he's home it creates a lot of work, tension, anxiety in me because of his lack of drive, ambition, dedication... to getting ANYTHING done at home.  There's just so much to be done, and none of it's getting done unless I do it.  And let's face it, these days.. I can't do all that much. When I DO... I OVERDO, and it sets me back for days on end when I have to pick up the slack.

I need time to heal.  I've asked for time to heal.  Not that I'm sitting on my ass, mind you, because all I do is unpack, organize, arrange, put away, clean up, shuffle stuff about, deal with deliveries, moving boxes, and then stressing over the bigger jobs that are beyond me right now.  Things like a very large yard that needs serious attention, hiring someone to move the mountain of boxes from moving and deliveries (we're in a location where the city doesn't do this).  I feel right now as if the walls are closing in...

I need the walls to open up, which is why we moved here.  The view is spectacular, the neighborhood private and quiet.  And yet... inside this house there is anxiety.  For me anyway.  T could really care less about anything but his work.  All of his attention and diligence is put forth at work (desk job, btw, as he's a senior programmer and quality control expert), so when he gets home... bam!  That inner switch of his goes straight to auto-pilot.

If I were healthy and energetic I would simply assume the role of 'everything' here at home.  But I honestly don't know how long I could keep that up and be happy with my life.  I want a partner in life, not someone who uses me as a maid, mom, and general 'handy man' type girl.  I can't do it.  It's not me.  We're not in a Leave it to Beaver episode, and I won't assume the role of June Cleaver, who.. by the way was respected and treated well by her husband.  Given that, I am left to make the decision to develop my own life fully and totally outside of this relationship until it becomes more like an actual relationship and one based on trust and respect.

Bottom line here is that I don't trust anyone who doesn't treat me with respect.

In the meantime I keep on keepin' on and will continue to do so until I feel it's taking more of me and my life, happiness, and sanity.  Then, and only then will I make the final decision to cut myself free, to spend my wings, to gain my dignity and wings back again.

Fun Stuff and the Continued Muddle of Health

So, on a high note today.. I got an Apple Watch.  Pretty cool little gadget, and I really needed a watch.  Made perfect sense.  Came in a HUGE box, so (like my iPhone 6 Plus) I've dubbed it my "WatchASaurus."  Opted for the rose metal sport watch with the gray band and really like it.  Chose the larger face to make things easier to work with.  I'm happy with my choice, even if I did get startled terribly when it finished syncing and vibrated on my wrist. lol  Small price to pay, right?

I guess the next step is to make sure I have the Apple Watch app on my iPhone... apparently that's needed.  So that's the good stuff so far today.

The rest of my day--pretty mundane, and I believe it's due to the drop in prednisone.  See, I told you this stuff shouldn't be used for just any ole inflammation problem.  The sides (side effects) are terrible, but if it gets the job done then so be it.  Todays lovely side-effect addition: Depression.  Seriously.  WTF...

It basically just comes down to dancing with the devil and hoping you don't trip.  Prednisone and Eliquis (blood thinner) is a bad combo, but one that can't be avoided.  It's just all part of the package, and I have to learn to be watchful and careful while on Pred.

Strictly speaking, I know some of what I'm up against.  What I dislike at the moment is dealing with it alone, because I'm seriously confused and remaining a bit in denial in some ways.  Without anyone to really talk to about it, I'm just floundering about trying to find my way.

Really wish T would just step out of the way, because he isn't going to get his shit together anytime soon, or at all.  I've gotten mostly past the point of caring, though.  If I'm on my own, he's on his own as well.  He doesn't LIKE that idea, but it's true nonetheless.  It's time, still time, absolutely time for me to take care of myself, put myself first.. for the very first time in my life.

This little chick cracks me up. LOVE her attitude.

The Last Of The Mohicans by Alexandro Querevalú

Changing the Dialogue to "Yes, it's okay to take care of ME."

Crossing over entries for the sake of catching everyone up at once.  When I've finally caught up to speed with what's happening in my life right now, the entries should return to focus-specific talk... Thanks for bearing with me, you guys.

I don't feel like writing another entry.  My body hurts, and putting AIH into remission is going to be a bitch.  But I have to allow myself that time, you know, to heal, to mend, to just be okay about how this needs to evolve.  It isn't comfortable saying I'm going to take care of myself.  I've spent my life as a mom, so caretaker is really the only title I ever knew.  As a child, my emotionally absent mom who preferred psychological torture and punishment, made it so even then I knew deep down that all I had was me.  Somehow, I made it.  Somehow that child survived.  And somehow.. I will continue to do so.

I'm fighting like hell not to lay down, to give in to the discomfort and pain, fatigue and sluggishness that began returning with the first taper-down of prednisone.  I'm fighting that, because if I don't... it will win.  And I can't have that.  So what I'm doing now is continuing to reassess where I am and planning a strategy that I know will help me.  Some of this I can do on my own, and some of this I will need help to keep that forward momentum.  T would be instrumental in that IF he were plugged in, here in the present, and not mired in doing the bare minimum required in life overall just to get by.  How can someone that unmotivated be so successful financially?  Don't know.  What I do know is that I'm mostly on my own, and that means all focus for healing must be spent aimed in the right direction.

Remission is the goal.  Feeling GOOD, even GREAT is the goal.  Being happy, healthy, inspired and excited about my life... THAT is a goal.  MY goals.  No matter if I have the actual stamina at the moment to make it all happen at once, but I can't give up.  What energy I have will now be directed solely at taking care of me.  I have to.  My survival depends on it.

I know what I need.  I've always known what I need.  There have been a couple of people in my life who decided THEY were experts on what I need.  And they were and ARE completely WRONG.  I knew this then, and I know this now.  My approach now is to listen to myself, because no one is an expert on me.. except me.

T has no idea what I need.  He's not horrible, mean, nor hateful (well, except on a couple of occasions when he chose to be an asshole and regretted it).  He is, in some ways, worse than 'mean.'  To me, indifference towards another person, not SEEING them, HEARING them, and unplugging because you're lazy is far worse in many ways.  But I'm not going to focus overly on that, because my point here is that he is of no help.  I have ME.

I've had to say it out loud, my truth.  I've had to say the words that make it real so I can take every measure to improve my chances and LIVE.

I have an autoimmune disease.  The one I have attacks my liver, specifically, but wreaks havoc throughout my entire body, leaving much damage in its wake.  I have Autoimmune Hepatitis, and I will have this disease for the rest of my life.  I don't have all  of the answers.  I don't know my specific odds just yet.  It's too soon with treatment for me to know anything but what I feel and experience daily as I strive for remission.

How long will remission last? Unknown.

The odds are great that most with AIH will relapse within 12-24 months, and with a second (or multiple) relapses prognosis becomes more grim.  I know with a second relapse I will be placed on an immunosuppressant, and most likely for life.

The drug that helps me hurts me.  But it's a necessary evil, because the alternative is early mortality if this isn't treated quickly and appropriately.  This is an aggressive disease that requires aggressive treatment in most cases.

There is a chance, a good chance, that I will never ever feel 100% like myself again.  There will be good days and bad days, and I won't be able to predict which days will be which.

This disease can and often does cause secondary problems, such as pulmonary.  I have to accept the fact that this has already occurred.

I have portal hypertension, and though it's mild at this time, it points to the presence of liver damage. I will believe, until told otherwise, that this damage is mild.

I wasn't told I have fibrosis or cirrhosis.  I will accept that as confirmation that I don't have those problems.  Yes, I know that this 'don't ask' policy I've taken on is a little silly.  But I'm sure my doctor would've told me it were the case if I had either.

This inner dialogue is what I live with now.  My constant mantra as I taper down the prednisone has returned to: "I can do this!  I can do this!" as I go about my usual daily routines and chores.  I talk myself through everything.

I miss that first week on Prednisone, when I felt the pain subside, my energy return, and my thinking clear.  I don't know if that feeling of returning good health is something that will return.  I don't know much of anything at the moment.

I understand that what little information that is out there for this disease simply isn't enough to help me understand what's happening to me.  I'm confused and need answers.  But there simply isn't enough out there for me to glean any real understanding of this situation that has radically changed my life.

I'm told I have the "Type 2" variety, that mostly effects young women... but can happen to older women too.  Type 1 is rare enough, but Type 2 is even more rare, and often with a poorer prognosis as those patients, patients like me, often don't respond well to treatment protocols, have partial success, or quick and multiple relapses causing further liver damage.

I know diet doesn't help, it doesn't heal, it has no effect except in the case of salt intake and cirrhosis. I don't have cirrhosis, so I'm not sure how much salt will effect me if at all.  I can't turn to diet to fix this.  Nothing will fix this.  Treatment is management of the disease, as there is no cure.

I understand that NOT treating this disease brings early mortality, so I'm planning on sticking with the protocol, even if it does bring on board unpleasant side effects.  Weight gain, etc with Pred is a given.  Been there, done that, and one struggles terribly after coming off to take this corticosteroid weight gain off.  But.. I suppose choosing life and some weight gain at first is better than death.

So be it.

The dialogue in my life has changed.  My inner dialogue has changed with the circumstances, and I have to learn how to deal with T's insensitivity where I'm concerned.

...which is another entry for another time.

That Love/Hate Relationship with Prednisone

Look, without a sense of humor, a life-long/chronic illness can steal your joy. ;)

Christmas is done, and the move into the new house is 99.99% complete.  Just a few items remaining at the old house at the moment, mostly due to the need to make room here so one doesn't feel hemmed-in.  While the move itself wasn't 'that' bad, it became a little easier when I began the first week of Prednisone--a drug I'd had to use in the past for something else and learned to both loathe and love equally.  This particular drug honestly needs to be held in reserve for the most extreme of circumstances.  The side effects of using and withdrawal are usually brutal.

How quickly those first couple of days became something to remember-but in a very good way.  My energy changed within 2 days, and nearly all of my symptoms ceased.  But the timing of this drug is tricky as one begins on high doses, then tapering to lower until remission (in my case) is obtained and held.  For the record, remission can take from 12 months to 2 years, depending on many factors.

So there I was in absolute heaven, though not feeling 100% it was SO drastically different (how I felt) that it instilled such hope and anticipation as to how much better I just knew I'd feel by the time this month of high-to-low dosing would take me.  Well, things changed quickly just a few days ago as I tapered down that first 10mg.  Dammit.

40 to 30, 30 to 20, 20-10, then 5mg for another month before the follow-up appointment.  That is, until within about 2 days of that 10mg taper I can crashing down HARD.  Phone call to the doctor and he moved my followup appointment from March 28th to January 25th, and he said to go back up to 35mg/day for a couple of days then to the 30mg.  So far, it's not taken much of the edge off the symptoms.  Ugh.

Sitting, standing, laying down, you name it... all very difficult yesterday and today.  And I've had some things to deal with on the computer most of the day so have been sitting upright for a few hours at a time.  And BOY does my upper right abdomen hurt.. all the way through to the back.  I'm really hating this at the moment.

That's where things are basically.  Wish I had more energy and stamina, was in less pain... so I could talk about all the other stuff.  But I have to listen to my body and go with what I know.  It's rather time to chill for a bit, regardless.

More to come...

More to catch up on...

Damn, crazy life...

Autoimmune Hepatitis

It's been a BUSY week.  Finally moved into the new house, and still struggling to get everything in its place, organized, etc.  I'm worn to the bone, I have to admit.  Well, maybe a few miles past that, I believe.  Yeah, there's a reason for that.

So the liver biopsy results came back and I had to have a follow up to discuss them.  I already knew there were elevated portal pressures, but that's about it.  As it turns out, I have Autoimmune Hepatitis, a very rare AI disease.  It's a life-long disease, but it can be managed in most people.

First on board is the high doses of Prednisone (not one of my favorite drugs, I assure you), but it seems to be changing things quite a bit.  I'm NOWHERE near anything remotely NORMAL, but I can certainly tell the difference already.  I went from barely able to stand long enough to make something FAST to eat... to WAY overdoing things here at the house.  What's the comparison? We're talking a few minutes PRE-Pred to 8-9 hours POST-Pred!  Trust me, this is HUGE!

Symptoms: Dear God there are so many:

Crushing fatigue
Right upper-quadrant pain
Fluid in abdomen
Weakness
Insomnia
Appetite loss
Weight--up and down, but mostly up
Joint pain--SEVERE
Arthritic-like pain, swelling, and inflammation--SEVERE at times
Muscle pain--SEVERE at times
Back pain--SEVERE most of the time
GI upset--Don't even get me started on that one
Peripheral Neuropathy
Itchy skin
Can't think clearly
...and more.

What causes it?  They're not entirely sure, just like most AI diseases.  Nothing I could have done in my life would have prevented this.

Risks:

Development of fibrosis, cirrhosis, and liver failure requiring transplant.  IF managed properly, progression to those unhappy outcomes can be slowed.  Other risks can be anything from Osteoporosis to inability to clot blood properly, leading to possible internal bleeding.

This particular disease can cause issues with the lungs as well, which MAY explain the unexplainable damage to my lungs.  Maybe it will be connected and not some other insidious thing I have to deal with as well.

The above isn't all the risks, but it's the most common.

Treatment:

First line of treatment is Prednisone, with or without the addition of an immunosuppressant.  In my case, my hepatologist has decided to begin with Pred.  If this course of treatment brings it into remission, then maybe the second drug won't have to be added.  However, if the disease flares again, that's when the immunosuppressants are added.

Prognosis:

This question isn't as easy to answer, because everyone is different and far too many variables go into assessing prognosis.  Some factors involved include abstaining from drinking, or not drinking more than the maximum the Hepatologist says is allowed, not taking OTC or Rx pain medications that can stress the liver: Acetaminophen and NSAIDS are the main two to avoid.  Having a healthy diet (which is often tailored to the situation, so I've *read*).  You basically need to take good care of yourself and avoid anything that can stress or harm the liver.

Life expectancy depends on the above, and a small dose of luck.  Some people can keep their AIH in remission for quite some time, others may be resistant to the medications they take to control and/or bring the disease into remission.

Remission:

Remission is the goal, as there is no cure at this time.  I'm not sure why I stand at this point because I've only just learned I have this and already have elevated portal pressures, aka Portal Hypertension.

So, here I am, still trying to wrap my mind around the idea that I have this.

The journey begins.

Because the Discussion Changes

It's not in one place.  If you're new here, this is what you need to know about my blogs.  The problem with putting all thoughts into one place is that looking for relevant information becomes a treasure hunt of sorts where you only find the dragon in the end, rather than the gold. Okay, so I'm not saying what I have to say from one day or one moment to the next is 'gold,' but my sense of humor is working overtime today... just bear with me on that, okay? ;)

This Free Spirit is one such place, the newest in the corridors here.  It's kind of my safe place, in a way, though visiting the ghosts of the past is often the case.  "Abuse Bonds Broken" is, for me, a way to help myself, and to help others, who've dealt with malignant narcissists.  It's really not always about the worst of the situation, nor is it always just about purging the demons.  My goal there is to help, but to also bring healing for myself in the process.  And process, I do.. more times than not, this is exactly what I'm doing there.

The stories and such aren't often pretty.  But life with a narcissist and emotional abuser rarely is, right?  In essence--you're not going to find unicorns there.

Where Fireflies Dream is a place where the sun is SUPPOSED to shine a little brighter, where life is a little lighter, fuller....  But let's face it; as life smacks me up-side the head on occasion, the lines between the great and not-so-great begin to blur.  In essence--you won't often find unicorns here either.  But I'm trying...

All Things Ephemeral .... because the discussion changes.  This was the original blog, the one where most of the laughter, contemplation, silliness, passion, and tears were cast upon the pages.  It was overwhelming at first, really, because there were NO lines drawn between anything; it began as a place to purge anything and everything.  This also used to result in many posts being deleted.  Yes, I still do that on occasion, delete posts, but very rarely now.

Boo's Juicy Bits  Well, now THIS one has gone absolutely rogue, I have to admit.  It began when I started juicing, then evolved as I embarked on a healthier diet, then went completely rogue because of the health issues that have come on board.  This blog... let's just say ANYTHING could end up here.

Why?  Because the discussion changes!  And because we live in a world that has become increasingly indifferent, where people can't 'concern' themselves with the emotions, experiences, etc. of another human being.  This is not accusatory, by the way.  It's simply a sad fact.

While not everyone is safely wading in that comfortable pool of ones own life, some are simply unable to step out... be vulnerable.  No matter.  These blogs... are just me stepping out of that comfortable place.

"Because sorry's below you..."

A Comfortable Position

Realistic; it's the new optimistic.  I can't change the facts, but I can change what I accept, what I don't accept, and how I deal with said facts...

Now, we've all heard the phrase.. "I can't change anyone else, but I CAN change ME."  And yes, that's true. But what this phrase doesn't address is how OTHERS can also change us!  In fact, it's the words and behaviors of others that do the most damage, or the most good, and it's often done with little effort on your part as a 'receiver' because while you may be ignoring, making excuses for, or actively doing whatever it takes to protect yourself... those words and behaviors touch your subconscious.  And this often happens in the most insidious of ways.  If you're dealing with someone who is NOT concerned about your best interest, OR you're dealing with a narcissist, then you're going to be in BIG trouble, my friend.  VERY big trouble.

Will I ever really heal?

I can't give an exact timeline, if there actually IS one, but I can keep moving can't I?  Can't I just keep moving like what's wounded is more like a muscle than my entire soul?  Won't this make it better in time, all this moving, shifting, changing?  While I can't answer the questions myself, the fact that I'm asking them means I'm still heading towards healing.  At least that's the way "I" see it.

Does this moving involve pushing down what I know is damage done, or does it mean I simply find a way to navigate around it through the course of my everyday life?  Now this is something I may or may not be able to figure out over time, but my thinking at the moment is that, at least for now, moving definitely means navigating around the damage I know is there, what is hurting.  All this shifting about to find a comfortable 'position' within myself only works for a short time, not much unlike when you've been sitting too long.  It does help for a little while.

Why not sugar-coat what is, put on the rose-colored glasses, numb the pain, the truth... just numb it all?  Because that's just one more tiresome temporary solution.  What I need is a final, definitive cure to the deep wounds within.  Isn't that what anyone wants when they come out of a dark situation?  Of course.  Why not?  We can long for, desire, and obtain (eventually) that which we deserve---freedom from pain and a gain of our self, whole, and undamaged as possible.

The side effects of being with a narcissist are far-reaching, undeniable, and long lasting.  Even out of the relationship they plague everything, poison the good, and pinch the wounds that refuse to heal.  They linger in the very air we breathe at times, even when we're not aware of it.  At least that's how it is with me.  Then suddenly they come crashing through again, ultimately pushing me back to square one for a time.  It's always there.  We don't forget.  "I" don't forget.  I can't forget.  The scars are a part of me now.

I still deal with it because I have to.  Or rather... I don't really DEAL with those side effects; it's more like I ENDURE them.  I mean, isn't that what most of us do until we, well, don't?

Lexy Panterra representing... yeah, white girls CAN twerk! ;p

Taking a break from the usual here... Let's talk about something fun!

So, I get SOOOO many videos posted by friends on FB, and there's a few comments now and then about white girls not being able to twerk.  So what I've been doing lately is replying to those posts with this... Sorry, but no one can do it like Lexy Panterra! Impressive!  (yeah, you guys are going to like this).

How To Destroy Angels - A Drowning (with lyrics) [HD 1080p]

Ever-Wondering Why I Bother to Give a Damn

It was a long holiday weekend filled with packing, moving a few loads over to the new house, and lots of anxiety having to be around T for that long.  I'm not being mean here, I assure you, but the magnitude in which he's "just not there" is ever more apparent when we're around each other too much.  And honestly, it drags me down and wears me out beyond words.  Not sure how I can handle this much longer.

I try very hard to be patient and understanding, but it's nearly impossible to feel those things when the other person is simply not trying at all.  I'm a ghost in my own household (notice I didn't say "home"), and the weight of being absolutely trapped is taking a tremendous toll on me both physically and emotionally.  Life isn't supposed to be this hard.

He's supposed to go visit his family in Florida next month, and no.. I'm not going.  By choice.  I'm simply not up to that long drive right now, and honestly... I really need the time alone; maybe I'll be able to breathe for once.  I'm a little scared I'll like being by myself much more than I realize.  Though it really wouldn't surprise me...as I crave space, peace, breathing room, a place to stretch these broken wings and try and remember what it feels like to fly.

...It was another weekend with my pointing out all the ways he tries to control me, how he treats me like a child, how he doesn't respect me... and as always it falls on deaf ears.  Oh, he vehemently INSISTS that he understands what I'm trying to say to him, that he gets it, that he will try harder, and so on..and on..and on..and on.  His words mean very little to me anymore, and his WORD... means even less.

I can't rely on him following through.

Honestly, I could understand his not being able to follow through on some things if there were a REASON.  But there's not.  He simply just... doesn't.  And it's very telling.

In the meantime I try desperately to hold on, to remember who I am, to remember my dreams, wishes, hopes, goals, and to remind myself that my needs matter too.  I also have to work on not being completely rolled over by him when he does this; and I have to say it's nearly impossible.  I mean, let's face it---I'm not the toughest person, and I'm sensitive to both people and environment.  And my environment right now is NOT conducive to happiness, joy, OR healing; three things of which I need desperately in my life.

How the hell did I get here?  Rhetorical question, really.  What I should be asking myself is 'How did I get here AGAIN?!'

Okay, so truth be told I'd have to say I HAVE asked myself that question and know how I got here again.  I'm not in the awful places that I've been in the past with relationships, but this one isn't healthy for me at all.  So what do I do so that I can thrive, live, and be able to breathe in my own space?

That's the million dollar question, isn't it?

And I'm working on that...

I am.  I have to.

HAVE to.

Results but no answers

First off, I hope everyone had a wonderful and blessed Thanksgiving!!!  No matter what's going on in our lives and the world we still can find much to be thankful for.  :)

Okay, so the CT w/contrast results came back and, well, it shows a few unsettling details.  Not entirely frightening or anything, but a little unexpected and confusing.  Naturally, I have to wait for my follow-up in January to get answers regarding the findings on the pulmonary function test, and as well as the new CT findings...

So, I get my copy of the CT w/contrast results and am encouraged at first by the word "stable" with regards to an enlarged lymph node... 1.7cm x 1.1cm at this time... but then I realized that the word you really WANT to see in lymph node findings is "reactive."  Basically reactive means due to an inflammatory or infection situation.  Ok.  The radiologist's report said to watch and follow up with other investigations.  I'm honestly, to tell you the truth, not all that concerned with this particular finding.

Still showing mild, scattered scarring, but below are a few new findings...

"There is a small amount of new and some slightly larger left pleural nodularity at the same level posteriorly and medially and also anteriorly..."  Will say more about this in a moment...

"There are a few areas of left pleural focal thickening that are new in areas and slightly larger in other areas, including at the level of the above-mentioned LLL nodule.  These can be reassessed on a short-term follow-up CT to see if they persist."

Mostly I'm not happy about the pleural nodules, nor about the pleural thickening.  So, I guess the saga continues as to what is what and what is to be done, if anything.

Results... but no answers.  *shrugs*  I'm not going to focus on this.  Being aware is the most important thing.  And as a matter of importance.. environment, both physical and mental/emotional is key to getting healthy.

Guess that's all I have to say at the moment---packing and moving things to the new house.

For now... just breathe... :)

Holidays and the Non-Gift Giver.

Sounds so cliche, doesn't it?  In a time where 'black friday' means people literally trampling each other, sometimes to death (yes, this has happened) to get to the 'best deal,' I can only shake my head and wonder what things have come to, why people are focusing SO heavily on 'stuff.'  I have no problem with the whole 'Christmas package,' meaning the tree, the trimming, the gift giving, the music, and all the little traditions most of us remember from childhood.  I LOVE this stuff.  And for the record, this isn't a religious discussion (I'm Catholic), so I won't be touching on THAT aspect of the season.  Just so you know.

Gifts.  Depending on the person gifts can hold different meanings, different associations, and have very different affects.  Some people are very hard to please and require expensive gifts, while others are quite content with small items with big meaning.  I fall into the latter category.  To me, a well-thought-out gift is worth more than all the jewelry, diamonds, or money in the world.  If someone where to give me a crazy, unique, or spooky stuffed toy... then they've given me gold.  I'm not that hard to please.  Having said that, what about those who live with someone who isn't a gift-giver?  How does that work?  Well, that depends too....

Know who you're with.  Sounds easy, doesn't it?  Well first off let me say that for the sake of this conversation we're going to talk about men--men who aren't gift-givers and what it means.  DO know that I fully understand and am aware that there are women like this out there, but the majority tend to be men.  Women are rather hard-wired for being people-pleasers.

Know who you're with.  You can't really choose a meaningful gift if you don't know who it is you're buying for.  Well, you can sometimes come close by focusing on trends for particular age groups and gender.  But that's outside of the scope of this conversation.  If you know who you're with, then choosing (or making!) a meaningful gift is a no-brainer.  All it requires, really, is for you to actually give a crap.  Blunt?  Yes.  And there's no reason not to be blunt.

Respect who you're with.  THIS is the key, folks.  THIS is what makes or breaks relationships.  It's more than an ideal, it's a necessity.  If you don't respect WHO you're with, you're doomed, dude.  Plain and simple.  Might as well give up right now, because that relationship isn't going to last.   And if it does, it will be one miserable time for all.

Respect is the foundation for every single relationship in your life.  It doesn't matter if it's home, work, family, friends, or enemies.  If you have genuine respect for someone you're going to be pretty damn close to being on-target with just about every situation with them.  I promise.  The only time respect on YOUR part won't work.. is if that person doesn't respect YOU.  But that's another talk show.

Respecting someone for WHO they are, and this is very important, means you KNOW who they are and ACCEPT them for who they are.  If you don't get this, you're screwed.  But getting back to the point--when it comes to gift-giving it's not about YOU, the giver, it's about THEM, the receiver.  A gift isn't something you do for yourself, but something you do for another.  And it's utterly shocking how many people don't really get this.  Now, is there something in it for you, the giver?  Of course! And that, my friend, is a very personal thing, so I'm not going to go into that here.  But giving a gift is NOT about you. Know this first and foremost.

It's okay to make a mistake.  For lack of a better word, I'm using "Mistake" for clarity and understanding.  Even if you know someone well, you can choose the wrong gift in some people's eyes.  Get that?  In SOME people's eyes.  I'm also not talking about people who don't APPRECIATE a gift, so let's not focus on that, because it too is another talk show.

You get the wrong size, wrong color, a music cd of a band you think she liked.. only to find out.. she hates them.  It CAN and DOES happen!  But the difference is.. how many times does it happen?  A couple?  And is it really an honest mistake on your part--because she's going to know.

If it's an honest mistake, a good woman is going to know.  If it's carelessness, she's going to know.  If you put NO thought into it (here's where knowing and respecting that person comes in), she's definitely going to know.

But if it's truly an honest mistake... it's okay.  Either she'll be sentimental and suck it up and keep the gift, or she will exchange it.  So.. how you react to those things are up to you.  Just know that it's REALLY not a big deal.

I can't say I see any gift as a mistake.  Well, if you buy me men's cologne.. then yeah, that's a huge mistake. lol  But for the most part, the effort speaks for itself.

The guys who aren't gift-givers.  Now this is a big one.  And a complex issue.  So I'm going to attempt to not make even more so.  Some guys aren't big gift-givers, but they show love in meaningful ways.  I mean, how can you fault that?  You can't.  Tenderness, care, compassion, friendship, being a good listener, being a strong support system for whatever is needed, and being her biggest cheerleader.  Oh yeah, those things... are worth more than gold.  And if you have that, CHERISH it with all you have!

The flip-side to this whole gift-giving thing is what's often lost on some guys.  YOU may not be into it, but if SHE is, then why not participate in something that brings her joy?  I can't speak for the situations where 'she' wants excessively expensive things, but I can say that for women like me, who are happy with the little things, it really wouldn't take much effort to make Christmas 'super cool.'

I'm with someone who isn't a gift-giver, and there are other issues that overshadow that.  BUT, it would take very little to make Christmas an absolutely lovely affair.  But T doesn't really feel ANYTHING about the holidays, outside of a religious nature that is, and so I'm left to putting up a tree and decorating by myself.  This wouldn't be such a big deal if T appreciated any of it.  Last year the tree was decorated, as well as a couple of rooms, and he walked through the door and noticed not a single bit of it.  It was a surreal and strange experience, and one I'm not willing to go through again.  So this year, I'm decorating for ME.  What this means is I'm decorating the tree and house the way I want to.  Well, given my health isn't kicking me in the ass too much to actually decorate.  Just know this, guys, when things get to this point, when she's creating all the experiences and memories by herself... she's literally living 'by herself' in your presence.

When she's creating all the experiences and memories by herself... she's literally living 'by herself' in your presence.

I'll let that sink in a moment...

There are men out there that literally have no appreciation of the gifts given to them, the time, effort, money, etc. put into choosing just the right thing.  Seriously, guys. even if it's inexpensive, it should still be meaningful and memorable by you.  Some guys show their utter lack of appreciation for gifts given to them by actually FORGETTING WHO GAVE THEM THE GIFT!  And oh yes, this happens.  In my own experience... I gave a gift to my ex, a bear, and he GAVE IT BACK to me a year later.. as a gift!  He 'thought' he'd bought it.  But I actually had/have photos of when I chose it, purchased it, and took it home.  I hand-delivered this gift to him, and he didn't even remember who gave it to him to begin with.  And to make matters worse is---his 'shopping' in the stuff he had around the house to find me a Valentine's Day gift.  Wow.  A hand-written love letter would have blown me away, and it would've cost nothing but a few minutes of his time.  *sigh*  Guys... don't do this to your wife or GF.

If you're a guy who isn't a gift-giver, consider trying to do that for her.  Maybe it doesn't come natural to do that, but it can become a sweet habit if you simply... practice.  Don't have the money to buy her a bouquet of flowers... buy ONE!  Buy a rosebush and plant it for her (the gift that keeps on giving).  Whatever it is you do, put thought into your choice, make it say "I know you," "I see who you are and I love that about you."

Thoughtful gift givers put actual thought into the process, don't overly focus on cost (staying within budget, though) but on choosing something that fits that person, watch for clues as to what might be the perfect gift for that person, plans ahead--doesn't rush out at the last second and choose whatever's easiest, and makes their choice from the heart.

Not a gift-giver and unwilling to try?  If you simply can't be a gift-giver, then at least get out of the way and let her buy her own gifts.

It's really simple when you think about it.

I can't believe I did this

Okay, so.. there was this 'ad' on FB about something called "My Social Book."  Curious, I checked into it and discovered that it's actually a company who makes a hard copy of your FB experience! lol Well, at first I thought.. naaaaaaaah.  But then I read some comments others made about it and thought I'd give it a look.  Glad I did, actually.

One can spend a tremendous amount of money getting this book made, depending on how far back you want to go.  The limit is about 500 pages, which can cost a bit over $100.00..  however, you can get the smallest version for roughly $20 + tax. And that's exactly what I did.

I opted for the soft-cover version to save money, but it's actually pretty nice.  You get to choose your 'cover' and pic you want on the front, and you have some control over what's printed, and YOU choose the time frame if you're doing more than one year.

It was kind of funny, parts of it, and other parts are sweet....

Overall, I'm glad I did this. :)

I mean, how can you go wrong remembering all the stupid, hilarious memes you posted, right? hahaha  But seriously, there's more 'substance' there than what shows on this particular page.. which I chose because I found the contents hilarious.

Either way, I would actually recommend people doing this if there's anything you want to place in a keepsake.  I'm really digging mine and am considering getting one from 2013, and maybe one from my old profile from back in 2010, 2011... just not sure yet.

Oh, and your stickers and emojis also show up on these pages.  I mean, pretty much everything when it comes right down to it.

Again... very glad I did this.

No regrets.  :D

Praise Me

It's the sustenance of all narcissists, and without it they will ruin your world.

Giving praise to my narcissist was easy in the beginning because I saw this funny, handsome, romantic guy who said and did all the right things.  I mean, this is how we end up falling in love, isn't it?  We see their personality traits and love what we see and hear, and over time it endears them to us.  I mean, how can it not?  And I'm not talking about what that person says about who WE are, but rather those things that show us who THEY ARE.  HUGE difference.

Anyone who's been with a narcissist knows that they project this image to the outside world, and to US at first, as exceedingly charming, funny, lovely people!  We discover later on, when forced to learn about narcissists, that this is absolutely necessary for their survival, that they NEED that supply of praise and adulation, even worship.  But we also know that when the mask begins to slip we get glimpse of the other thing lurking beneath, the very thing that will end up devouring our lives, our spirits, our health and vitality, our sense of self-worth.

I still have some fond thoughts about my ex, but in keeping them within proper perspective I know those fond feelings are misplaced, misguided, that they're feelings for an IDEAL.  In many ways this discovery left me to withholding real praise for the person I'm with.  I have to actively participate in my own inner-functions, that is to say I have to be extremely mindful that I'm not purposely holding back for fear of things turning out the same as they did with my narcissist.

Oh, I do know better.  But my current relationship isn't without it's issues, some of them serious.  Be that as it may, I'm in perpetual self-preservation mode.  Not surprising what I've gone through.

My finally speaking openly about my experience with a narcissist has helped me tremendously in more ways than I thought possible.  But I've a very long way to go, and I'm not sure I'm willing to let go of those protective inner resources I've obtained along the way.  I'm sure I still need to talk to a therapist to finish dealing with the experience, and in time I will.

You see, in all honesty, I know I won't ever be the same person again.  Not exactly.  I can repair what's broken, but I can't replace what's gone.  And who knows, maybe what I 'think' is 'gone' is actually just tucked away in a safe place inside, waiting for healing.  I can certainly be on board with such a possibility, because it's far better than having to mourn something totally lost.

Praise.  It's not something I received much of in my life, especially growing up, but it was also something I never really needed.  For me, praise wasn't what I needed, but APPROVAL.  I'm completely aware of this, and I'm somewhat okay with that.  And I'm comfortable with GIVING praise to others.  It actually comes easily for me.  But what of the 'demanded praise' required by a narcissist?

Narcissistic Supply; what an absolutely ugly term to use on oneself.  Yet, I had to.  HAVE to.  If I'm not completely honest with myself about this, I'm lost.  So here I am, realizing that for the person I fell head over heals in love with... I was nothing more than that supply to feed his ego, his bottomless need.

When the emotional abuse became too much, praise for him became exceedingly difficult, then eventually... impossible; We all have our breaking points.  When my usefulness had run out, he began to demand praise--to be right, the authority on all I was and should be, or could never be, the walking encyclopedia of absolutely everything, the expert on my life.  Anything other than acceptance and agreement of all his criticisms of me was met with hatefulness, withdrawal of love, stonewalling, more criticism, usually ending in gas lighting to throw me off balance.  This cycle was never-ending after a time, and it hollowed out the vibrant parts of me with all its energy-sapping and relentless battering.

"You're right" had eventually revealed itself as the bitter lie it was.
"You're amazing" became a weapon he ultimately used against me.
"I love you" became yet another weapon to use against me, and he did it often.
"I miss you" was met with an ugly retort that somehow missing him meant I was "Selfish."
"You're so smart" became one of his favorite reasons to belittle me, with constant 'reminders' of how he was so much smarter.

He required praise, but it was usually tucked away in his arsenal to be used against me whenever the mood struck him---and it often did in just about every situation.

I didn't have to defend myself; but I didn't know this then.  And when I discovered my error in having defended myself for too many years to this person, it was almost too late.  So much damage done.  So damn much damage done.

I guess today is just a day when I'm finding I need to deal with this a bit more, to purge, to get it off my chest.

Now, some of you have asked WHO it is I'm talking about, which of my ex's... well, I'm not saying.  It's not about pointing fingers, but about sharing what I've gone and am going through as a result in hopes it helps someone else.

Now, on to eat some lunch....

PART 2: Your Value as a Human Being Defined by a Narcissist

In the last entry I gave a pretty long account of how I came to bringing narcissists into my life.  While long, I think it was important to define where I'm coming from in a meaningful way.  Hopefully I did just that.  Now it's time to explain how I allowed narcissists to define who I am and, which resulted in allowing them to define my actual value as a person.  Do realize that ALL narcissists do this, so if you're dealing with one you'll most likely see yourself in what I'm about to say; unless you're in the early stages where you're being put on a pedestal.

I've previously discussed "Narcissistic Supply" and what it means, but in short I will simply say it's basically a narcissist using another human being in order to feel superior, better-than.  That's WAY oversimplifying, but you probably get the point if you're actually WITH a narcissist.

NOTE:  You'll ONLY be valued by a narcissist when you're fulfilling the narcissistic need (aka, when you're actually and literally 'narcissistic supply').  The devaluation period begins when you're no longer that supply and the narcissist is bored and actively looking for his next supply.  This more times than not happens WHILE you're still with them, because they have to secure their next supply before getting rid of the old supply that is no longer giving them what they need.  They can't really be left without a supply of any kind so often, though not always, end up finding someone new (a replacement) while still in the relationship with you.  This is VERY common, by the way.

Clues you're being replaced as a narcissist's supply:

The signs are not unlike any other 'normal' situation where someone becomes bored in the relationship, cheats on you, etc.  But there are critical differences between a normal 'cheating' or 'falling out of love with' situation and that of where a narcissist is seeking a new supply.

All the usual fare applies here, with some uniquely different additions and twists:

1.  Calling and texting less/communication sees difficult or impossible, which is ultimately blamed on you.

2.  Picking fights, usually on a daily basis, often resulting in his/her not speaking to you for days (stonewalling), which is ultimately blamed on you.

3.  Constant criticism, which is ultimately blamed on you.

4.  Constant comparing and contrasting you to ex's or others the narcissist is interested in, which is ultimately blamed on you.

5.  Sex becomes something that feels 'unnatural' to you.  Now this is a tough one, because narcissists rarely ever have "normal" sex.  In fact, during sex they are usually disconnected and unable to perform unless stimulated in another way outside of the sex itself.  And outside of sheer 'performance' a narcissist cannot "make love."

But when your narcissist is looking for another source of supply the sex becomes such that it often leaves the 'supply' turned off, repelled, and bewildered.  This is a dangerous stage, because the resulting psychological and emotional damage can be long-lasting.  And like everything else bad that happens with your narcissist.. this is ultimately blamed on you.

6.  Demands become either more in number, and/or stranger in nature.  Usually this falls under the heading of all things sexual, but it requires a separate notation here because of its complexity in where it actually separates itself from actual 'sex.'  Let's suffice it to say that the demands for things such as sexually explicit photos, videos, performances, and information increase in number.  You find yourself barely able to find the time to do the things in your life that need doing, to take any time at all for yourself, to do anything for yourself, including relaxing... because the narcissist is, at this point, attempting to extract a supply that you can no longer provide.  Either your emotional state has deteriorated (depression, anxiety) to a point where you simply cannot be the plaything any longer, or if your self-esteem is intact enough... you simply WILL NOT be that supply any longer.  In both cases you probably have no idea what you're dealing with or how to define it.  And again, you will ultimately be blamed for the narcissist's behavior and increase in his/her 'needs.'

7.  Your time is no longer respected.  This is one of the hardest traits you'll have to deal with when it comes to being with a narcissist.  As YOU are devalued, so is everything in your life.  Your own needs will be offered up to you as 'selfish,' no matter if it's eating, sleeping, working, hobbies, leisure activities, your faith (church, etc.), and even your pets and family.  At this point your narcissist no longer really sees you as a human being deserving of respect, care, compassion or love.

Your inability to supply the narcissist's ever-increasing demands/needs renders you irrelevant.  THIS is absolutely CRITICAL for you to recognize, because if you don't recognize and deal with this (by LEAVING) it can destroy your physical and emotional wellbeing.  When things have reached this level of deterioration it is NECESSARY for you to get out!  You are going to be discarded eventually, so it makes no sense to stay.  Thing is, you'll probably not recognize what's happening unless you're made aware---which is what I'm doing now.  You will ultimately be blamed for all of this.

8.  Constant reminders that you can be replaced.  This is often said with a dark tone of warning, but it also can be presented in a flippant manner, both meant to hurt and worry you, to make you question your role and responsibility in the situation.  In a NORMAL and HEALTHY relationship the person who is unhappy, falling out of love, etc. will usually just break up with you and leave the situation, and they often will leave in a way that is as least damaging to you.  Healthy breakups between emotionally healthy people aren't HAPPY affairs, but a certain amount of respect is normally sought in the situation.  When a narcissist wants to leave, however, he/she does it in such a way as to leave you as hurt and broken as possible.  You will ultimately be blamed for this.

9.  You find yourself increasingly responsible for the relationship and shown how inept you are at the job.  This is really a killer of self-esteem and self-worth for those dealing with a narcissist.  Because narcissists aren't really people pleasers, they often seek out those who are.  They don't really feel compassion or actual love, so they seek those who DO feel those things, and strongly.  They also seek out those damaged just enough to be malleable.  With this combination, when the narcissist begins to look for a replacement for you (looking for a new supply), the devaluation period becomes fraught with many, many demands, often ones that are nearly impossible to meet.  And.. the relationship APPEARS to deteriorate before your eyes.  But it's an illusion.

The relationship, like the narcissist, was always based on what you 'thought' was real but was merely a facade.  Once the facade begins to crack and crumble away, once the narcissist's mask begins to slip and ultimately drop... the truth of the situation reveals itself.  Sadly, you'll begin to frantically try to patch the cracks and decay, to help the narcissist replace the mask you fell in love with.  This can never be done, though, and as the relationship becomes depressing, disconnected, chaotic, not only will the narcissist blame you for this, you will end up blaming yourself.  He/she has groomed you from the beginning for this very moment.

Over time your self-esteem was whittled away at, and at some point hacked away recklessly and with wanton abandon by the same person who once made you feel like you mattered.  This is the worst part of the devaluation period, a time in which you will ultimately be blamed for the hurt and damaged inflicted upon you by the narcissist.

10.  You will notice more frequently that the narcissist is accusing YOU of exactly what he/she is doing, often at the time you're being accused.  THIS is one of the most tell-tale signs you're dealing with a narcissist, btw---projection.  It happens early on as well, but you're in the throes of falling in love and being mostly gushed mover, pampered perhaps, and made to 'feel loved.'  Here is when, in a perfect world, we would recognize that we are falling in love with an IDEAL and make haste of getting far far away.

.................................

I've chosen not to list everything, because the list really is quite long.  All of these warning signs overlap because they're all connected, and they also share one key component: blame.  You will be ultimately blamed for every mistake, every problem, every single thing that goes wrong in the relationship.  And all the 'right' things, the seemingly 'good' things, well, those will be the things your narcissist will take credit for.  Don't fall for it.

Here's the part where I talk to you frankly, as a person with experience:

Look, I'm no expert, and I've no degree in psychology.  I can't analyze anyone, but what I can do is analyze their BEHAVIOR.  As human beings without degrees in psychology that's all we can do, it's what we MUST do; that, and practice the skill of discernment.

We cannot be blamed for what was done to us by a narcissist.  Their malignant self-love leaves no room for them to feel compassion, so they inflict pain, and they hurt us emotionally, sometimes physically, and they have no true self-restraint.  There is NOTHING at all that we can do to make it stop, to change them.  They are what they are, and in the RARE event they recognize they have a problem they can seek and obtain help, even change and become a better, kinder, more compassionate person.  But WE cannot change them, ever.  And we MUST NOT EVER blame ourselves for what they are.

My college honors psych classes didn't prepare me for dealing with this personally, but seeing a therapist DID give me a tremendous amount of insight, and it helped me understand what part of me made me vulnerable to these personality types.  It can help you too.  Why suffer when you don't have to?

Am I healed?  No.  Not completely.  I would benefit from finding another therapist.  I'm in a new city and just haven't searched for a therapist to replace the last.  But again, I also have been telling myself that I understand now and am okay.

But I'm not okay.

You see, breaking up with a narcissist is ugly business.  Not because you've broken up, but because you've broken up with an IDEAL.  How the hell do you say goodbye to an IDEAL?  You can't.  And because of this you never really get to say goodbye, to obtain that much-needed closure!

You can't say goodbye to someone who never existed to begin with.

Please understand that I'm not devaluing that person as a human being or saying that they as a person didn't exist, wasn't or isn't deserving of love, respect, etc.  They absolutely did and DO!  But the "Someone" I'm referring to DIDN'T exist, and that was the person who wore the mask, built the facade, then tore it all down because I never mattered as a person.  Do you understand?  It's not easy to describe something so utterly complicated.

I have to accept every day that I was just narcissistic supply to someone I loved deeply, fully, and unconditionally.

Your Value as a Human Being Defined by a Narcissist

In some ways I've avoided thinking about this, knowing if I go there I'll be reminded of how blindsided I was by my narcissist's intentions.  His intentions weren't evident to me because I was so completely thrown off-guard by the hot/cold performances that occurred on a daily basis, and in those times when I did actually have a few minutes to myself to breathe and think...I didn't allow myself to think about anything but the weight that was lifted off of me during the times of his angry absences.

This is the maze of confusion a narcissist creates to keep you off-balance, because if you ever gained your footing... you'd run like hell.

I'd spent the majority of my life re-inventing myself after events that pretty much left my life utterly changed for good.  Back then, while still damaged from the events of my childhood, and still WITHIN my childhood, that constant shifting of who I knew I was and who I was allowed to be didn't change who I was inside.  As my instincts as a child, my inclinations to gravitate towards those things I was meant to embrace, were thwarted by an indifferent and emotionally-absent mother.  Most other parents would recognize how significant my passions were.  But not my mother.  There was a perpetual "No" associated with almost everything I reached for.  I knew what I was, who I was meant to be, and it was a vibrant, bright and burning flame that remained within me for many years.  But it did die out eventually in my early teens, thanks to a mother who made the decision long ago that her needs were more important than her child's.

I was the last of six and born very late--an "accident" as she liked to call me.  I laughed until adulthood about being referred to as an 'accident,' like she fell, hit her head and ended up pregnant, something unintentional that would morph into a walking regret later on.  Still, not quite understanding what that word meant in terms of me, I continued to reach for the stars and fill my small, unassuming life with those things that would lift me, despite the doors she continuously closed without hesitation or thought.

She was my first and most influential exposure to narcissism.

I knew I was a dancer as early as age 4.  I gravitated towards dance, ballet at the time, and music like the proverbial moth to a flame.  I hadn't even started kindergarten and I'd built a fairly large collection of classical music albums of which I played daily.  I danced daily, despite the lack of any classical training, and I begged my mother for lessons...every....single....year until I reached junior high school, when I knew I was long-past the window of realizing my dream.  The days of dancing in the alleyway outside of the ballet studio next to my house were over, as was the begging and pleading and dreaming of such.  My dreams didn't die, but they did shift.

She couldn't say no to dance lessons in school.  And yes, back then schools still did teach the arts.  In 5th grade I was able to take music classes, recorder.. because it was the cheapest route.  The music teacher encouraged me to take up another instrument---clarinet.  My mother actually did, to my surprise, buy me a used clarinet at a local pawn shop, and I eagerly went about learning.  Within about 3 months I was asked to join the school district's 'honor band,' which was for those gifted or accelerating behind the average.  My mom was glad for me, but she remained pretty unimpressed and never came to any of the recitals.

As time went on and I couldn't afford to take my clarinet to get the required 'maintenance'... it finally broke, and my mom simply didn't pursue doing anything about it.  I'd gone through so many changes with music that my mom was oblivious to, even though it happened right before her eyes.  She never noticed when I'd bring home an oboe, a flute, a piccolo... she didn't notice that I could actually PLAY them.  I could play just about any wind instrument put in my hands.

My music teacher, recognizing what was happening with me offered to take me to a symphony.  It was the only one I would ever attend.. at least so far.  I was awed, amazed, and NEEDED to be there, to be a PART of it all.  But it wasn't meant to be anything more than one more door that would slam shut forever.

We moved to Colorado right before I was to begin high school, my clarinet was sold, and my dreams were forgotten and never spoken about again by her.  However, at the age of 14 something else came across my path that would stick with me until adulthood---bellydance.  This was another door my mother closed with a resounding "No," and I wasn't to revisit this particular dream until adulthood, when living on the Mississippi gulf coast I made my first trip to New Orleans where I entered a shop called "Kruz: From Morocco to India."  I was drawn to the little shop on the corner by the music pouring out of its doors, and I walked out changed that day.. forever.

This time was different, and I had no one but myself to close the door, and what I chose to do was run straight through it to the other side.  Within 2 years I was told by many that I danced as if I'd done it my entire life, and people began asking me to teach them.  I taught, and I performed, and my life FINALLY felt exactly right.

After a few years, however, I began to feel progressively weak, tired, and unable to even continue going to the gym.. something I'd done since age 20.  While I'd found ways to work out and exercise prior to that age, the gym experience didn't happen until 20.

My last day of dance practice, when I knew it was over for me happened while living in Jacksonville, FL.  My once 3 hour long and effortless dance practices dwindled to about 20 minutes, and I collapsed on the floor in tears knowing that it would be my last.  I felt it with all I was and saw the signs of it coming for about a year.

My gym membership was canceled, as the strong, vibrant body I once possessed was failing me.  Over a couple of weeks I could lift less and less until I couldn't lift at all.  The easy 30 minutes on the Stairmaster halted altogether.  I hired a personal trainer who, after a few weeks, said I really needed to see a doctor.  Without health insurance, that really wasn't possible.

My trips to the gym ended with me leaving exhausted, pale, and with dark circles under my eyes.  I would get home and sleep for 3 hours straight without waking.  Recovery from exercise became impossible.

We moved again, and I began to not recognize myself anymore, moving for the person I was with at the time, as his job required traveling.  I lived my life through his while trying to find my way.  At this point I returned to writing, something I'd done since early childhood and also was very good at.  I created a couple of web sites, discovered graphic art, web design, and created spaces on the web where my artistic needs could at least somewhat be met.

I won't go into the writing at this point, because this entry has already begun looking like War and Peace.  But it was something I'd always HAD to do, be it poetry or short stories, then later.. beginning novels.  This was somewhat taken away from me when my handwritten manuscripts (I didn't have a computer at first) were 'sold off' by a storage facility where our belongings were stored.  The guy I was with at the time failed to make the payments and didn't tell me.  Years of writing, and SO much more, were bought by strangers.  All my writing was gone along with years of memories in photos, art my kids made for me as they were growing up, and... my life changed yet again.

The chronic fatigue I'd found myself in had begun taking the creative edge off my writing, and about 7 years ago I'd written the last sentence in an uncompleted book.  I've yet to get my muse to return.

The artist within refused to give up and rediscovered something I'd reached for in high school---photography.  I was able to take a class, but my mother said "No" to buying me a used camera and, instead, left me to use the disposable ones.  While my classmates shared information about their impressive 35mm cameras, I simply hung back and clung to the camera whose only capability was left in the parameters set by the manufacturer.  But I kept trying, always finding things to shoot.  Getting close to my subject was impossible, and I had no control over settings.  Frustrated, I did not take another semester.

Fast-forward to now:

A few years ago I finally obtained a REAL camera.  I don't think I ever left the house without it, and I found myself loving the shoots I did at the local cemeteries.  Getting film developed was costly at the rate I was shooting, so I ended up with a used digital camera that eventually gave out as well.  That camera finally gave out and I obtained a cheap digital from Best Buy.  It lasted a couple of years.  I then bought a decent digital from eBay and... well, ended up having to sell that to my BF at the time so I could pay my rent.  Oh trust me, I've left off major life events in this story.  But in the end I was left without a camera.

I'd also discovered OOAK doll repainting, of which I had to give up when moving to Montgomery due to the health issues.  But I have all my supplies, and a brand new camera waiting for me to recover from whatever has been kicking my backside.

So much information, isn't it?  I know.  It is.  And what has all this to do with having your value determined by a narcissist?  That one is actually easy to explain.  You see, when the patterns begin in childhood, when your determination is strong in the beginning and hammered away with over time your sense of self, that balance in your life changes significantly, and many times, though not always, people end up gravitating to those who are most like that which defined us from very early on.  In other words, we gravitate towards those we're most used to.  It's our comfort zone, though it's never actually comfortable.

Over and over again in my life I ended up with people who would ultimately treat me the way my mother did.  Sounds a bit cliche, doesn't it?  Well, maybe it is in some ways, but I think that's mostly due to how many people actually end up in this situation.

PART 2 will address where this ties into narcissists and their need to define your value as a human being.

You're killing everything I feel about you...

Weekends are the worst.  It's when T is home and there's no escape from the relentless indifference, complaining, and overt half-assing anything done.  I suppose it's just easier to talk myself into believing all the excuses I make for him, rather than face the facts head-on and acknowledge what I know with all that I am.  This is one of the greatest discomforts I know in terms of relationships; having to accept when you're holding the entire weight of the relationship on your shoulders.

Fuck that.

I've spent my entire life making excuses for the way some have treated me, and now is no exception.  Haven't I learned enough to know better by now?  Perhaps.  But putting what you know into action isn't always possible when you're in an impossible situation.  My goal of getting my health back is absolutely critical in changing my life, my world, and moving forward out of this absolutely 'stuck' situation I'm in.

I'm grateful for what I have.  I'm grateful I have a place to live.  I'm grateful God has made it so my life isn't a complete train wreck.  As I sit here in the wake of yet another blatant display of compassionless rhetoric from T... I know that things, for me, could be 100% better.  It's getting there that's going to take the most work.

So what's happened?  Well, my son hurt his back and has gone to the ER twice in the past two weeks.  He's been told he'll need surgery, but his insurance won't kick in until January.  He's still able to work, but when the pain is out of control, when it's difficult for him to walk... he misses work.  His boss is great, loves him and the work he does when there.  He's actually a shining star in that respect and has been since day 1 on the job.  But in the meantime, while his wife attends college full-time, while the two kids' needs for school, etc. must be met, paying the cell phone bill plummets to the bottom of the list titled "necessities."  Even I get this.  Still, T has to bitch and complain, while my son and his wife stress.  My son was diagnosed with a bleeding ulcer and high BP almost a year ago, and stress, anxiety is NOT his friend.  To say the least.

We put them on our family plan, because the cost isn't really all that different from when they had their crappy phones on that crappy network they used to have.  But you know what?  Shit happens.  And family is supposed to help family.  My son was there for me SO many times, and now.. it's time for me to be there for him.  He asks for nothing.  He's humble about the situation he's in, and from time to time he's expressed how ashamed he is that things have gotten this way.  I assure him that 'shit happens' and that helping is what family does.  It's always been this way.  He still feels awful, but honestly.. he shouldn't.

When T whines and complains about having to cover their part of the cell phone bill.. it changes how I feel about him.  T's greatest love in his life is money.  It's true.  And while it's all well and good to be practical and do all the right things, financially, it's more important to do the right things by family.  This isn't a long-term situation, so listening to him whine and complain literally kills what I feel for him.  What's left, that is.  Nice job, T.

Have I told him this?  Yes.  Point-blank, up-front, no political correctness, no sugar-coating anything. I'm not cruel or mean about it, but I make absolutely certain that I get my point across.

I've tried to show him how his actions and words, or lack thereof, hurts others.  I've shown him understanding (at first), patience (at first), and have done everything I could to help... always with love and kindness.  I'm now at a place where I no longer am willing to do the work for him.  He's a grown man and has to make up his own mind who and what he wants to be; an asshole, or a good man.  The first takes no effort, while the second takes absolute effort; being attentive to others while also being aware of one's words, deeds, and even motives.

It really all boils down to ONE major thing:  Love is a verb.

So here I sit in the garden of decay, loving T much less each time he chooses indifference, lack of compassion or understanding, every single time he chooses bitching over an act of love.

I'm quickly edging towards feeling absolutely nothing for T.  He knows.  He complains about that, too.  But he refuses to look at himself, what he does and doesn't do, and makes NO effort to be that better person.

I'm so damn tired of this, and I am left completely unimpressed.

I'm turned on by gentlemen, and gentlemanly behaviors.  Leaving one's morality, decency, and humanity completely unchecked is a MASSIVE turnoff for me, no matter WHO you are.

My prayers are with France...

You know, I've been warned NOT to post here about controversial topics, and for the most part it makes sense, really.  Because my blogs aren't about politics or policy.  But I'm pretty damn pissed off at the moment... at our lazy, incompetent president.  He's a piece of shit, and we all know it.  But what really angers me is that he would immediately display the rainbow colors on the white house to honor gays... and as the entire world lights buildings with the blue, white and red colors of France... the white house remains.... indifferent.  What the hell, Obama????  WTF is wrong with you???!!!????

Thankfully, many buildings have been lit with the blue, white and red, and even here in Montgomery I've noticed flags flying and half-staff.  There are even electronic billboards displaying the French flag with #PrayForFrance at the bottom.  So what gives, Obama??  I suppose you're as cold and indifferent as they come, as we've come to know you.

But we Americans ARE with France, and we're praying for you.  We stand by you!  Know this.  Even if the embarrassment we call 'President' is a POS.

God bless France!  God be with the world during these terrible times.

post-heart cath procedure, and the power of Xanax

All's well with the plumbing.  Electrical was address last year.  As far as other functionality, I still need to address the diastolic dysfunction, and of course... keep an eye on the MVP w/regurgitation, the valve issues, etc.  Just a watch and wait thing. :)

As an aside, I discovered something interesting yesterday that somewhat surprised me.  Xanax rocks.  rofl.  Never had the stuff before, but they give you one w/Benedryl as pre-meds prior to the cath procedure.  That didn't happen the first time I had a cath, so... I had no idea what the big deal was about people liking Xanax.  Basically, for anyone who doesn't know, it breaks your give-a-shitter.  lol ;p  Just useless information I find funny.  I'm actually quite glad they gave me that, because half of the meds they use for conscious sedation is morphine---which I'm allergic to.  And, just like the transjugular liver biopsy I had last week... I was awake!  Ugh.  And DAMN did that lidocaine hurt like a mofo when it was injected in the area surrounding my femoral artery!  GEEZ.  Not a fan of that, btw.

Just saying.

The one drawback, which didn't really surprise me, was T asking if he had to stay there (in the hospital) while I was having the procedure.  *sigh*  smh

Spilling Over

I guess I should remind some of you who may not know, that if something is bothering me particularly.. I will most likely post it in all of my blogs.  The spillover from one to the next is just something that's going to happen.  Most of the time I aim to separate what I'm talking about between each one so that the meaning isn't really lost in context.  Make sense?

My blogs overlap, though they're meant to be focused in one aspect of my life or another...

Boo's Juicy Bits:  The main aim here is health, diet, eating, all the things that support and give us a foundation for a good (or bad) life.  There's so much to this part of health, so there will be at times an overlap as to what's going on the pages.  If life is getting in the way, or helping me on my way, the details will most likely end up there as well.  And don't be surprised if you find sexually-focused chatter on there as well.   The information is all connected in one form or fashion anyway.

Where Fireflies Dream:  Created as a place for whimsical thought and ideas to play, an expression of who I am, how I dream, what I want, and the things that can or do hold me back from my greatest expression of self within my life as it is at any given point.  Again, be aware that at times topics of a sexual nature will most likely appear in posts.  Don't say I didn't warn you. ;)

This Free Spirit:  The newest blog and one I feel is necessary, even critical for me.  It's a place to talk about abuse.  Been there, done that, and still haven't gotten 100% past the damage, to say the least.  My goal with this is sharing in hopes it will help others, but also to have a place to talk/deal with the lasting effects of my experiences.  This one will often have chatter of a sexual nature as well.

All Things Ephemeral:  Originally, this one was created to let it all hang out, a no holds barred kind of place to talk about EVERYTHING in great, bloody detail.  The nature of doing this means that, in the past, I would often delete posts after a day or two, a week, a month, whatever... because it was a bit much to leave just sitting there for the whole world to see.  However, this is changing.

I will be taking that no holds barred approach with posting there soon, as it's one of the greatest barriers I need to cross in order to heal.  Like Pavlov's Dogs I learned through experience that expressing myself openly meant I would pay a price, a high one at that.  But since this is no longer the case I plan on resuming, for personal growth and healing, my once bold approach to using this blog exactly as I intended---a place for me to be free to express myself in any way I see fit!

Onward...!

Still fighting to find my bearings in it all

Something isn't right.  "Something" hasn't felt right for a few years now, maybe since about 2012, maybe 2011.  When things break, the pieces often remain, cutting their way through the soft fabric of life.  I guess I'm realizing I was more malleable than first thought, and the strong, restraining hands of  someone I loved reshaped parts of me that I actually liked.  Not to say I'm not still in here--because I absolutely am.  Such is the part of me that fights like hell to keep me safe, protected from all the hurtful, jagged edges of what's left.  Because.. the parts of me that didn't mold to the whims and needs and demands of that person...shattered.  Where am I?

The barriers I've built around me have protected me in some ways, and they've also crushed me in others; Vulnerability is no longer something I give into.  Instead, I strive to be the strongest I've ever been, though it's not a comfortable posture for me.  So what of the discomfort, then?  It is what it is and it will remain because of my will.  It is MY will that allows or disallows what happens to me as a person, a woman, a friend, a lover, a mom... every facet that makes me who I am is ultimately at the mercy of MY will and no other but God's.  His will is ultimate, but my will is His gift to me.  And no, I'm not going off on a religious tangent.  I'm simply taking responsibility for the damage I allowed others to do to me, and also for my inability to completely regain control of the clanging thought-machine inside me that clatters on and on.

It's just one of those days sitting in the midst of one of those weeks in what I now call one of those lives...

I'm dealing with illness because of the unrest and DIS-ease I've felt for so long, with the majority of it beginning when I blindly walked into a situation I didn't want to recognize for what it actually was.  I fell headlong right into the abyss and hit bottom.  Dammit, but I should have had my own back.  I have a good understanding of this NOW and am being diligent, watchful.  And yet, contemplating what my life is now in the wake of the experiences isn't exactly pretty.  Not at all.

Nothing is improving.  My health continues to worsen, and all the tests I've gone through over the past few weeks, all of the tests I'm going through THIS week will tell me where I am in all of this.  While it may not be the best course of action on my part I will wait for the doctors to render their final diagnosis and allow them to push me in the direction I need to go.  I'm so bogged down in near-defeat that I can't seem to propel myself in the right direction.

I will let the current take me.