No relationship is perfect. No one single person is perfect. Both statements are true, and both are also somewhat redundant. I believe most are intelligent enough to understand the 'given' in this. Still, I wanted to make it perfectly clear that I'm not one of those individuals who looks for or even strives for perfection as I truly believe that endeavor never ends well for anyone. Having said that, I do believe that anyone, everyone, can try to be the best they can be. Honestly, I think we'd have a much better world if people just decided to do and be their best.
In an even imperfect world our only saving grace in most situations, especially the difficult ones, is having our priorities straight. This doesn't mean my priorities will be exactly like yours, and they may actually be quite different. And it's not to say if our priorities differ that one of us is right, and the other is wrong. So what does it mean when someone says "Get your priorities straight"? Well, for starters, you have to know where your priorities are before you can ever think of making any necessary changes or shifts.
My current relationship is a competition of priorities. I've been here before in the not-so-distant past, and I recognize what it is I'm dealing with. I also know all to well that I can't force anyone to change their own priorities. Even so, there are consequences, both good and bad and on both sides of the situation (relationship) to that hierarchy of priorities. For example, if you put your love of playing video games above your significant other you'll find, and usually quite quickly, that it has an impact on that other person, and by default.. on you.
There are two outcomes in the above situation. Firstly, if your significant other has YOU as a priority, there'll be conflict. While you make your case for your 'game time,' the other person will make their case for 'couple time.' The other scenario isn't so pleasant, and in that other scenario your significant other may just find enough time on there hands, feeling less important than your game playing.... and open themselves to the availability of someone else. This, unfortunately, isn't often something they actively do but is more a natural reaction to the situation. There's just not enough time to explain the psychology in this.
Let's bring this to a more personal place.
I'm one for putting important things first. Kind of a no-brainer, right? Well, again, depending on where the person is with their priorities.. what one might see as important may be something they're totally indifferent to. THIS is where the magic, or the nightmare begins.
My environment is extremely important to me. My current heath problems mean I'm house-bound most of the time, and this means my immediate surroundings have basically become my entire world. Here is where my peace, my serenity, my joy, happiness, and motivation is born, and where they also die. And right now my environment is working against my health, both emotional and physical.
I don't care if it's a girl thing or just an 'Ella' thing, but it really doesn't matter what label it falls under, because this is part of who I am. Beauty in my world is necessary. I like a clean house, one that smells good and is comfortable. Mess, chaos, clutter, and filthy surroundings do NOT sit well with me at all and isn't conducive to comfort or peace. Under normal circumstances I would be happily cleaning house and making my 'world' a happy and peaceful place.. at least in that sense. But it's a battle these days as I live with someone who could care less about any of that. And worse, he's a master of procrastination.
I don't procrastinate and prefer to get things done in a timely manner. I don't let things go until they're out of control or till the situation deteriorates so badly that I have to pay someone to take care of it for me. Prevention is still cheaper than a cure. It's cheaper to mow the lawn and take care of plants and landscaping on a regular basis then it is to allow things to become so out of control you have to hire a landscaper. It takes a LOT less time to clean a bathroom once a week then it is to let it go for weeks on end... and have to spend a couple of hours trying to scrub away what would've been easily removed weeks before. It's more cost effective to get a professional roofer to fix a leak right away then it is put it off till it becomes more than a roof repair.
Procrastination is the antithesis of "responsible behavior."
When men are more like boys than men they will let even important things go for weeks, or months, or even years. For someone like me, this is a nightmare of epic proportion. I'm not comfortable in filth, clutter, or chaos and decay. I appreciate the things I have and take care of them. To be in the same household with someone who's priorities places importance on things that take away from the important things... is literally a nightmare.
This competition of priorities is creating chaos at every turn, except for T... who is all about procrastination and haphazardly barreling through life without any direction or goal in mind. When human beings in your life are at the bottom of the totem pole beneath meaningless and often mindless activities or inactivity, there's something very very wrong.
Priorities should mean doing the right thing first, whatever that is. The right thing; what does that even mean? I guess that's also a subjective choice. But subjective or not, a human being should always be at the top of the priority list, be it the health, happiness, comfort and well-being of that individual, or their stated or obvious needs. At what point do you wake up and realize that maybe, the thing you push down to the bottom the list is negatively impacting the other person in your life?
And you can't just tell that person to "Let it go." When it's a priority, even a necessity, you don't just tell that person to let it go, to 'deal with it,' or go on a rant about why that person should change to meet your needs. I'm sorry, but not in any universe will that ever work.
Now let's bring this local....
If your staring at a television is more important than helping me get something done that NEEDS doing around the house, your priorities are screwed up. If my having ONE useful arm at the moment means I can't do x, y, or z... and you choose watching tv or playing on Facebook over helping with those things... you're extremely screwed up and your priorities stink, plain and simple.
I can't help where my health is right now. I can't change the fact that I have an extremely painful shoulder/arm due to a torn rotator cuff that needs surgery to repair. I can't help it that I need T's help, nor can I help that it's like pulling teeth to get that help. All the pleading and begging and explaining in the world doesn't right what's wrong with his priorities. He's the ultimate "Can't" man, and can't won't get things done.
Now, I do know the difference between literally being unable to do something and choosing to say you 'can't' as a way to get out of doing that something. If you literally can't, you can't. I can't buy a yacht, but that doesn't mean I'm making excuses not to. I can't fish on my front lawn, either. I also can't be 20 years old again. So I know the HUGE difference between 'can't' as a fact, and 'can't' as an excuse. And T... uses 'can't' as an excuse.
Procrastination on this level isn't sexy or attractive. My knowing and seeing all too well how far down on the priority list I am does absolutely nothing to endear him to me. Love isn't something you say but something you DO. Saying it IS very important, but what you do is more important. And if that person demands the unreasonable from you to 'prove' love, then that person's behavior/deeds aren't fueled by love but by selfishness. What I'm asking of T isn't unreasonable and is what most people do without being prodded anyway.
Clean up after yourself. Don't neglect the yard, the house, those things that men normally take care of because it's... the right thing to do! Gee, where've we heard that before? You take care of your house because it's the right thing to do. It's an investment, so why on earth would you not take care of your investment?
And yet, I'm expected to not ever bring those things up, those things that seriously need attention. Honestly, I don't ask for ANYTHING other than to do the right thing. Bring on board some compassion to make the job easier. But don't procrastinate until things fall apart then complain about the aftermath. Be a self-starter. Be pro-active. What's wrong with that?
There's just too much to put into one blog entry. The competition of priorities is out of hand, out of control, and T's ridiculous and self-serving stubbornness is destroying peace, tranquility, happiness, or any hope for the future. And worse, it's destroying my motivation to get well. I'll explain that at another time, as well as CONTINUOUSLY breaking one's word and it's impact on those on the receiving end.
For now.... I simply keep hanging on, hoping to survive this nightmare.
