That's REALLY not helpful.

Depression.  Again.  Yay.  NOT.  Looks like I'm stuck with this crap for now.  All the trying and thinking and meditating and wanting and blah blah blah isn't helping.  Nor is T's continued indifference helping.  Look, life here doesn't have to be a battleground, but as long as there is someone in my life hell-bent on trying to control me, even passive-aggressively, there will never be peace.  Period.

I have to be me.  Every nuance, good or bad, I have to be able to BE that in every way possible in every aspect of my life as possible.  And now and then, for a few brief seconds, a flash of what could be fills me... then leaves.  I almost can remember how it feels to be happy.  It's elusive, that feeling.

How much distraction will it take for my mind and spirit to let go of the reality I'm stuck in so I can focus on the reality I want to LIVE in?  And it does take distraction, mostly from the reality HERE.  T could change this dramatically, but he's not plugged in enough to care or be motivated to hear me when I tell him this has to happen.  C'est la vie.

Enough of the bullshit already.

I need sleep, peace, happiness, to be unshackled, free to be me and to live MY life.  This is SUCH an easy concept that far too many people make difficult.  WHY do they do that?  It's a control thing.  We all know it is.  When someone is telling you who and what to be, how to feel, how to think, what to want, like, need, etc... there is a very very big problem and one that will not be fixed easily or without great effort.

My spirit is tired.  I've spent the better part of the last 6 years of my life trying to be both sides of a relationship, meaning doing my part while picking up the slack from the other side.  It's just too much for one person.  I'm sick of it.

Good grief.